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Neither Uncyclopedia nor the original author of this article condone cruelty to animals.

Kermit, Ms. Piggy, and that Swedish Guy, however, are fair game.


Don't be fooled... they'll shred your face the first chance they get
Yeeeeeeeearrrrrrhhhhh!
Don't kill kittens..

The young of the cat (felixus pussieus [lit. happiest squatting]). Universally recognised as a small furry bundle of joy and the only animal capable of crapping more than its own bodyweight in a single shitting. A kitten may also be a code word for a niger, an inhabitant of Nigeria.

Contents

History and Classification of the Kitten

Masturbation War Raging

Finally categorised as parasites by the Germans in 1904, kittens have been seen exiting the vaginas of host cats whose innards they have outgrown. Rumour has it that if you approach a kitten without him or her noticing, and are able to catch it, they will kick the shit out of you. In 2004 the Human vs. Kitten War began with violent masturbation on either side.

Care and Grooming

Beware for when a kitten touches itself, you may be next!

The shelf life of a kitten varies from 3 to 20 years, depending on the alignment of the cosmos and how well you take care of it. For best results, store your kitten in a cool, dark place that is monster-free and make sure it gets plenty of vitamins and minerals (Valium is not usually recommended). You may also want to supply it with lemonade, as cats find this nutritrious. Because they are still growing, kittens require lots of food and water-based paint. It may take a while to find the right colour, but that's OK. If you mess up, you can just wash it off and try again. Most cat mechanics recommend feeding and painting your kitten. However, this usually offends them and leads to mutilation of your gonads.

Kittens usually grow to become lions or something bigger, occasionally badgers like the stay puff man (though this can be averted with additional doses of paint).

Gravy is produced within the kitten's 3rd bladder. With practice, kittens can be successfully milked, and the delicious contents put in jars and labelled, then sold at farmers markets for profit. Although a mistake many people make when first milking a kitten is to attempt to milk them by the nipples. While cats do secrete gravy from the nipples, it is a raw and unfiltered form of gravy which could be fatal when consumed. Always consult a well-experienced kitten farmer before milking a kitten.

See how evil kittens are...

A Note About Extinction

With the staggering problems caused by naughty bits, the kitten is slowly but surely facing elimination from the world. For this reason, we ask that you take steps to prevent Kitten Huffing and limit your consumption of the gourmet felines to special occasions. The threat of losing the kitten is a grave one. Do your part, don't let the Kitten become extinct.

Another reason the kitten is going extinct is because of excessive masturbation, littering, and artificial lighting. Every time you litter, masturbate, or turn on a light bulb, God kills a kitten. God usually executes kittens by giving them to newly minted angels to huff. Please think of the kittens: throw your trash in receptacle and cut out the jacking-off. If you can't stop, at least do it in the dark. Despite what you may think, that hot chick in the apartment across the street doesn't find it sexy to see you do the five-knuckle shuffle while watching Desperate Housewives and throwing your burger wrappers on the floor. The only reason she hasn't called the cops (or at least the blind store) to bust into your apartment is because she's making such a killing selling videos of you on jigglinjellyrolljohnsons.com. If you really want her digits, try being sensitive to her needs as a woman. Chicks dig that sort of thing, and she's probably really unfulfilled because men can't see past her good looks into who she really is. She might totally nail you- but probably not, since Uriel huffed her new kitten last night when you got freaky with Miss Michigan after seeing Vanna White flip letters on Wheel of Fortune. You sick, hairy-palmed, visually impaired pervert. And by the way, Robbie is awesome.

Revenge of Kittens

JFK's real assassin.


Remember Cats have 9 lives, and as kittens are young and they have sharp teeth, claws and ears, so you have to treat them gently or they will kill you, mercilessly. They have nine lives for a fundamental reason; the eventual overthrow of all world leaders. Kittens also are the single most powerful enemy of Diablo 2. They can destroy the world in less than 16 seconds with their heat laser ass beams. Bill Clinton once said "I love kittens. I love them so much." Why that is even relevant I don't know. Lalala. One such kitten Mittens has set up the Kitten Alliance a terrorist group dedicated to destroying all the kitten huffers

See the Kitten Wars site []

See Also

Don't forget to stop masturbating!


“I hope God feels remorse for all the kittens I've made him kill.”

~ Oscar Wilde on killing kittens

External links

Kittens are much more cleverer than they look, if there is more than one kitten in the household, they will certainly plot their escape when your back is turned. They will work together, so they can run out of the door, while you edge past them, and you have to chase them for hours on end. And the reason why you have to put them back in that room is because, any minute now, they'll need to do a crap. And otherwise it will be on your bedcovers.

Some believe that its not the act of masturbation that kills the kitten , but actually storking that little kittens ham untill he dies, ussually within 72 hours or the first hot yogurt delivery.