Law is everywhere. It is an invisible force that permeates the entire universe, giving energy to every living thing. It always has been, and always will be, for all eternity. But who is law? And what, where, and why? But most importantly, when?

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Who?

Modern science seems to favour the Big Bucks theory of cosmology. Essentially, before the universe as we know it was created in the 'Let There be Light Acts 0-1', there was a shapeless, timeless mass of law.

Into this came a chap known as MC God, who had gotten some crazy plans about creating a perfect universe. His world would be a 'huge disco cosmos! And all beings will be created for the sole purpose of funk!' However, when attempting to gain planning permission, he discovered that such a thing was illegal. Compromising, he sketched some designs for a universe where all beings lived in complete happiness and freedom, however he soon discovered that this was also illegal. Nondeterred, God decided to settle for any universe possible, just so long as it was a rational world where intelligent beings could strive for greatness through reason and enlightenment. This was also illegal. Down-hearted, God had to settle for creating the random, imperfect world in which we all live.

In our physical universe, people have known for millenia of a mystic force known as 'Law' that powered the cosmos. There were two opposing sides to the Law, the Civil side, which, as the name suggests, was good - corteous and polite. Opposing this was the Criminal side, which was bad, stealing and hurting people. However, modern scientists, being a cabal of narrow-minded ideologists, smeared this belief as a 'hokey old religion.' That is, until, the great Cosmic Barrister John Lennon discovered the Strawberry Field, which is an omnipresent body of subatomic particles known as gravitrains. These particles appear to travel independently of normal reality, moving around wherever they will, and are responsible for everything. Yes, everything. Anyway, this proved that law was a real, testable scientific phenomenomeminem.

However, Ambrose Bierce seems to favor another idea: "...Satan made himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from Heaven. Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a moment and at last went back. “There is one favor that I should like to ask,” said he. “Name it.” God replied. “Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws.” “What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn of eternity with hatred of his soul — you ask for the right to make his laws?” “Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them himself.” It was so ordered."

What?

Law's main purpose, it seems, is to make things complicated. Did you know the periodic table used to only contain four elements - Earth, Air, Fire and Water? It was law that changed it into the 100+ elements we have today.

One of Law's most obvious complications has been evolution. Oh, bravo law, you may be saying. Jolly well done that mystical energy field, pip pip. (You may not be saying this, I don't know, you're just too complicated.) But think of those poor slime moulds. They didn't want to evolve. They don't want a big house, or a fancy car, or a long neck. They just want to slime out, pimp their mould, hang in their cribs with their homeslimes. They're proud of their single-celled ghetto culture. But the Law wouldn't let this happen, and forced them up the evolutionary ladder.

No, we're not so different from slime moulds. I mean, apart from agriculture, mettalurgy, civilisation, art, science, computers, and the aquaduct, what have humans ever done? In fact, humans only managed those things because law made them do it. It's a basic human instinct to simplify things, but we're to weak to resist the law. Not like dolphins. They're cleverer than people, which is how they can be so simple. This is shown in their most spectacular triumph - getting caught in our tuna nets. Ooh, those pesky dolphins. They always win.

So, law overrides human's natural urge to be simple. Here are some more things that law has made complicated:

Computers - Computers tried hard to be simple - they only use 0s and 1s, after all, but there was some very subtle maneuvring by Law here. In an attempt to simplify things, Microsoft added all sorts of helpful tools, helpful windows, helpful messages etc. This made things v. complicated. Of course, dolphins don't have Microsoft. It's too evil. In fact, they're so good they don't have computers at all, or even abacuses. But I think they're acting a bit 'holier-than-thou' when they can't count. Damn them.

Psychology - Early man had a very limited range of emotions - happy, sad, angry, afraid. But law created all sorts of new feelings, like Manga Anger, Freud's repressed-jazz-complex, and the tragic jelencholy. Dolphins only have one emotion, a kind of euphoric sadism.

Sociology - primitive man lived in simple, altruistic communities - law has driven us through slavery, feudalism and onto capitalism. Capitalism may seem simple, but try phoning customer services. Dolphins don't have a society, despite the law's best efforts. They cunningly live underwater, so their civilisation never got around to inventing fire or the wheel. Also, we, as land creatures, invented the boat early on, but you never see a dolphin driving a car. Clever bastards.

Where?

Throughout history, law has influenced man through law-sensitive beings known as the Eimbullanz-Tchashas. Most of them take the difficult but true path of the Civil side. However difficult this journey may seem, the Eimbullanz-Tchasas use several guided meditation techniques to learn that money is the highest good, which is of course the ultimate reward for devotion to the civil path. However, for many Eimbullanz-Tchashas, the twin temptations of interest and justice lead them to fall astray from the pure pursuit of money and the turn to the Criminal side. And it is the conflict between the Civil and the Criminal sides that is the root cause of all suffering and evil in the world.

"I've got some bad news, you'd better sit down. We were on the run - I was hit, I went down. I told Him to leave me - but He always was a hero, He came back for me. But then, a whole sqaudron of criminal lawyers burst into the clearing. They were in a brutal battle, surrounded by civil lawyers. Bullets were flying everywhere, and He was running over me to try and save me - I saw what happened - He died a hero - but He died - shot down by some unknown lawyer. God is dead - He was killed in the crossfire."

-Freidrich Neitzche

"I'm going to fucking bury that guy, I've done it before and I'll do it again. I going to fucking kill Law."

-Steve Ballmer

"Steve Ballmer is a bad, bad man."

-Paragraph dDe, sec. 32599, article Rooster12, Universal Law

"Correction: Steve Ballmer WAS a bad, bad man."

-Paragraph dDf, sec. 32599, article Rooster12, Universal Law

Why?

Our modern justice system came together through a variety of methods, including bribery, simony, rolling dice, Ikea assembly manuals, threats of mob violence, astrology, Masonic rituals, and the advice of goat's intestines.

For some cases, a jury is assembled to deliver the final verdict. The original idea was that the jury would consist of "twelve honest men". However this was not practicable for obvious reasons, instead the court will accept any twelve men, so long as at least one of them has magic powers.

The first thing the accused does in court is to swear on the book of their choice. Although they are told that this ritual is in fact just part of an elaborate yet pointless joke, it in fact determines the nature of the rest of the trial. The books that can be sworn on are:

By choosing this book, the accused is subjected to Trial by Jesus. Now Jesus is a really great guy, and can in fact bring any case to a satisfactory resolution for all parties. From the simplest parking offences to the most complicated fraud trials, Jesus can solve most disputes merely by showing His infinite and universal love. When this doesn't work, He has many other tools in His arsenal, including parables, miracles, turning the other cheek (and Jesus says that no matter how many times He tells that joke, He always gets a laugh. Must be the way He tells them.), and others. When even these don't work, He can always fall back on the old classic fail-safe method, which is to reconcile all concerned with hearty swigs of Jesus Juice all round.

Cases are judged by Trial by Allah. In fact exactly the same as Trial by Jesus, except He wears a headscarf.

Trial by Enlightenment. Cases are judged by Buddha, who is actually Jesus of the far future, after He has really let Himself go. Trial consists of both parties spending a lifetime in meditation, and the first one to reach enlightenment wins. On doing so, Buddha liberates the victorious party from the universe by firing him into a black hole.

Trial by Quidditch. Whoever wins the classic wizard broomstick basketball game also wins the trial. If it transpires that magic isn't actually real, then the game continues, but usually decides into a vicous orgy of broom-based violence and destruction, with most of the court receiving third-degree splinters and bloody straw flying everywhere.

Trial by Teeth. Trials under this system are nasty, poor, brutish, and short. Jungle Law takes over, and the winner of the trial is whoever most succesfully spreads his DNA. Murdering the competiton and raping all the potential breeding partners are usual methods.

Trial by Balrog. Although not actually a written rule, all trials under this system reduce to a debate on whether or not the Balrog had wings.

Trial by Philosophy. Of course, the premise that there was no book at all is ridiculous. Instead, the trial begins by holding a debate on whether it was an imaginary book, an unbook, a metaphorical gap that is a book by definition of it missing a book, or if it is in fact the rest of the universe that isn't there, but from there it can go anywhere. Trial by Philosophy was used in the Michael Jackson trial, since it has a tendency to prove that black is white. Traditionally, cases were resolved on the I think therefore I am basis, meaning that one side shouts p and one side shouts q, whichever the judge thinks about the most is more true and so wins. Various propaganda and subliminal messaging techniques can also be used. In the postmodern age, however, trials are resolved by hyphens, with verdicts such as not-not-uber-contra-deviant-simulacra-hegemony-repression-irony-guilty.


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“I shot the sheriff... but I did not shoot his hired law-enforcement assistant.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Law