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A picture of a Classical Woman (for some unclear reason acronimized to WC and not CW )

"If you can't join them, beat them."

~ Plato on Women

"Like all bad things in my life, it started with the death of a woman. Got any Tylenol's?"

~ Max Payne on Women

Contents

General Information

Did you know...
that the origin of the name woman comes from "wo", latin for "sex slave of", and "man", latin for "man"

"I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

~ Mr. Garrison on on women

"How the hell did you get out of the Kitchen? and Who gave you shoes?"

~ Oscar Wilde on on Women

"We all know that no women anywhere wants to have sex with anyone and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is just bogus."

~ Peter Griffin
Typical woman trying to deny the existence of her vagina

Women are one of many types of sex objects (including rubber vaginas and ass paddles) that men use to release their semen. Contrary to many ideologies, such as feminism, women are not equal to men nor are they considered a type of human being. They are mainly used to create babies and cook dinner, although many have degenerated to ceaseless nagging, complaining about everything, not shutting the hell up ever, and having wrong-headed views of the world.

Known for their highly developed mammary glands and ability to run males over with motor-vehicles and guilt-trips, it has been said that Women make up almost 15% of the world's population.(The hawter one). Women, depending on the geographic area in question, come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and colours (although a secret plan to exterminate the fat ones has recently been enacted.) The gender of women is usually female. Except when it's not, which it never is. According to George W. Bush, people that "practice their love" on women are called OBGYNs, although no one knows what the acronym stands for.

According to one man, woman's sole purpose is to wear her panties as tight as possible, because they are the life-support for the vagina. Sadly, many wear thongs, which can often cause the vagina to get too much air and dry up and/or turn into testicles (a risk many are willing to take.) Nonetheless, those who think that they can see through women are missing a lot, according to women only.

Relevant Quotes:

Biological definition

Some less accredited biologists define woman as the curiously vaguely human shaped fat-tissue surrounding the vagina.

The more accredited biologists tend to agree on the following: "women are hominid mammals lacking the Y-chromosome, which accounts for the following differences: they are more 'curvy' and 'mushy', and less phallic overall."

The most accredited biologists are actually all women (and they obviously got there with their natural talents, like sex ), and when solicited for a statement, we were, ironically, advised to "get a life."

All scientists agree that while parthenogenesis is popular amongs the lower phyla, it is, for all modern purposes, "no fun".

The natural habitat of the woman is known as the kitchen, although in captivity they have been known to take shelter in the garden, if the woman strays too far from the kitchen (unless its to get groceries) she will slowly develop a mind of her own and anger her natural predator, the man. The man will proceed to tell the woman to get back and make a sandwich, or he'll have to tell her twice- and sometimes even spank her if she tries to openly defy him.

Women around the world

United States of America

Women Love MONEY and love more simple gifts than diamond which will make her *do* * it*

In the states they have three sizes of women. The Standard which is 5'5", the Miniature size range is from 5' to 5'4", and the Toy which should be under 5'. You will find that the average size for the Standard is 60-68 inches but you will find specimens outside these ranges. These height requirements are all that separate each of the three woman varieties. The breed standard requires that they all look and act the same. Being Americans, the ass should measure the same across as the owner's height.

A typical woman driver. I don't think that's what her husband meant when he said car pool.


Women sometimes moonlight as part-time vigilantes, united in an effort to plot elaborate and sustained revenge on the rest of us for Not Knowing What We Did Wrong. One clear sign that you've been singled out as a target: part of your punishment is to Not Be Told What You Did Wrong. This may be, in part, attributable to the aforementioned woman's Father issues. (The United States Constitution was written to prevent leaders from turning into women; it however lacks a mechanism for liberating them from their wives.) An even earlier warning sign is that the woman will agree to something, such as a date. If this happens, run away as fast as you can.

Women are relatively easy to feed, they will eat most anything. However, most women must be watched carefully or else they will eat dangerously small amounts of food. Strangely enough, once a woman becomes a married woman, they are unable to stop eating.

Most women are, despite later and more advanced models, backwards compatible with the prototype referred to as Males. A rare breed of women that aren't are called Lesbians. Their favorite food instead is Pie, Sushi, or Tacos. Research conducted in secret by frustrated recently-married men indicated that the most effective form of birth control for a woman is also a common food in rare packaging: Wedding Cake.

Note that, on the internet, the majority of persons claiming to be Women are not actually women and are, in fact, overweight forty-year-old men.

Netherlands

In the Netherlands, scientists and scholars have studied women very thoroughly and have declared women the most incomprehensible scientific subject ever, across all disciplines. Because of this, various faculties of universities are devoted to Women Studies. Oddly enough, almost all students who study Women Studies are women themselves, a fact that has not been explained yet by anyone. When asked why they study Women Studies, the women usually reply that they do not know. Why they do not know this themselves, remains a mystery. This mystery is called the Why do women study Women Studies Mystery, which is the central issue that is treated in the faculty of Women Studies. Apart from their incomprehensibility, many women in the Netherlands are beautiful. For the rest, they are quite normal. Some people in the Netherlands, attempting to study the Red Light district, took a wrong turn and wound up in Frankfurt instead. Nonetheless, they decided to produce a woman and get the heck outta there. The result was Anne Frank. She was attracted back to the Netherlands by bad stork jokes and boys named "Peter".

Australia

In Australia, women are usually known as Shazza, Kezza, Sheila, Charlene or Bitch. They are required to attend tanning salons before summer in order to look prettier and increase their risk of getting skin cancer. Hair bleaching is also encouraged. Women who use fake tan or who have white skin are ostracized from the kitchen at summer barbeques, where traditionally women make the salads and drink cask wine or iced chardonnay (pronounced "card-on-nay"), while the men are in the backyard drinking beer and cooking pieces of animal carcass on a grill until they turn to charcoal. The women are required to drench the charcoaled carcass in tomato sauce and "kiss the cook" in appreciation of a well-overcooked meal. They are also required to change their husband's beer while he's watching sport.

Norway

In Norway, women do not exist, as the local Viking population is hermaphroditic. The typical "female", once allowed to go on raids, will proceed to grow testicles and become male.

Italy

        Your father was a woman
             
         ~Pontius Pilate

In Italy, women have a very special status in society. This is because most Italians are very proud of their history, with their great Woman Empire and its capital Wome.

Germany

In Germany, women are being trained to work hard, have muscles, be self-secure and independent by men. But they train each other to be the exact opposite: being lazy and petite, they like to be paid for by men and sheltered by stronger persons, usually also men. German Women, however, offer a great entertainment, say as hunting object (I'm not speaking in pictures), or for being watched while doing something called "Shopping". They are easily annoyed, therefore are regularly being made fun of (by me at least), but some are masters of sarcasm (those usually appreciated by the more intelligent men) and will fight back. Others, on the other hand, will take sentences like "Did you intentionally ram me with that quintuplet-motherhood-enabled pelvis" as an offend.

Dutch students have occasionally trespassed on German soil. When that occurs, they produce the same odd (and independent) Dutch girls that they do back home, which leads to prostitutes having fun in Berlin and in other places. Of course, some of the resulting women wind up stuck in Germany against their will. Such was the case with Anne Frank, who came around when some Dutch students were playing with Play Doh in a synagogue trying to make a woman in the way God made a man. Having failed at this sport, they found the first worshipper they could find and proceeded to get drunk with her. Then they put the Play-Doh all over her bed, and they succeeded at producing a girl. The Play-Doh was made, of course, of Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice (including Oscar Wilde). 

  Warning: Spoiler
The following describes what German women can be used for.
Most virgin men feel that finding out what women are good for is a kind of life-sense.
As we are in a very geeky area here, I expect most readers to lose the sense of 
life when reading further.
I did warn you

Women in general are useful for:

  1. Talking with about non-technical, non-scientific things. (biochemic aspects in the manufacturing of flavoured condoms, for example. Or inner structures of FPUs.)
  2. Making rather stupid compliments and getting even slightly more stupid compliments for "being sympathic" (Often reffered to as Flirt)
  3. Giving a drink (eg a bottle of beer) to hold while oneself needs one's both hands to light a cigar, burn some witches, beat up some grizzlies, or beat the woman in question
  4. As mentioned above, to annoy a little bit. And watch the reaction. Suffer the consequences.
  5. As decoration. (Most Women underestimate their decorative value. I, for instance, keep three conserved women as decoration)
  6. It is being told by the-ones-who-know-everything that in former times, men used to have relationships with women of different nature. Nowadays, thanks to homosexuality, the internet and the proliferation of machines that say "Keep away. Have serious headache" this is no longer necessary. However, some sexual practices (see Fetish) still require a woman (or several) or a female goat etc.
  7. Women are the most important part of modern economy. We don't know how, but they prove the thesis of "infinite economic needs".
  8. Women are often used as status symbol. (NOTE: Modern science is not quite sure whether men keep women as status symbols or vice versa.)
  9. Women carry the dress sense. They keep the textile industries afloat by having more than one set of underwear and forcing men to change their clothes on a monthly basis.
  10. Women are kept in industrial developed countries as food reserve for catastrophies, banquettes, barbeques, etc.
  11. Women tell men when to shut ones mouth if ones chin is hanging down, remind men of their social and sexual shortcomings, anatomical dysfunctions and all the other unpleasant things in life.
  12. Kicking people (particularly other women) in the crotch
  13. Making me a Sammich
  14. Butthole pleasures
  15. Making a very nice accesory for that brand new BMW or Porche, although if they are left with the vehicle too long they may be tempted to drive it which will cause a catastrophic insurance disaster. Many devices have been been made to stop this but they always seem to get out of them (Due to slim fingers and long nails wich enable the to carry out the smallest jobs barehanded) Without the use of a large tool.

Rest of the World

Women be normal here, instead of ------- great brazilian's women

A woman is seen here with blank stare inferring little to no appreciation for her enviroment and barely acknoledging that a photograph is being taken.

Womans and the Woman Empire

In 535 BCE, the Womans started invading many countries in the world, like Japan and Thailand. They built infrastructure, water dams, aqueducts, schools in the countries they occupied, introduced medicine, viniculture, barbie doll worship etc.

Contrary to the rest of the world, in Iceland the Womans were hailed as heroes, which is clear from the ancient Icelandic saying Romanos eunt domus, which has even become the name of the national anthem of Iceland.

The Woman Empire lasted for centuries.

“They have minds like Swiss cheese.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Women according to Basil Fawlty

Evilness

It has been mathematically derived that women are infact, evil.

The problem of inherent feminine evilness has been addressed since biblical times. For instance, the apostle Paul of Tarsus proposed that women can be saved through childbearing, while in the Gospel of Thomas, a woman can only be saved by becoming a man.

Women on the Internet

There are no women on the internet, except for those in .jpg form. Everything else that has been heard or spoken is an utter lie. Every person that claims to be a 19 year old woman on a chat room, is in fact an FBI agent or a 57 year old man. Yet, although women do not exist on the internet it is proven that all women carry cellphones with an internet connection and MSN accompanied by a shopping service on speed-dial, as well as Satan's home phone number.

Historical note: Because of women's superior multitasking skills, it was initially proposed to use them as web browsers.

Because You're worth it

All women have a highly developed sense of self worth and entitlement. The way they see it, they don't need to actually do anything: just having a uterus is enough.

Think for a moment: how would your life be different if sex brought with it the threat of nine months of pregnancy and then a lifelong commitment to a child, but if everyone, absolutely everone, wanted to root you?

World Domination

Founded the Woman Empire in 546 BC. Women are also the source of all power, because soldiers, firefighters, presidents and mimes come out of their vaginas. Birth Control is, by the female race, often referred to as World Control, or My eyes are up here, jerk. Not unfortunately for men, vaginogenesis is basically something that happens to them, rather than something they do. But by this, they also lay off the ability to hold any kind of true power, unless they become Soldiers, Firefighters or Mimes. So men tend to be pretty ineffectual, unless soldiers, firefighters, and mimes come out of their own vaginas some day.

Famous Women

“I once had sex with a woman, but the lack of a penis got in the way”

~ Oscar Wilde on sex with women

Health & Safety Advice

See also

External links

Women are really kind of beatches.