This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it probably didn't happen.
Represented here are the time periods from 1977AD to 1999AD.
- This is an article pertaining to time, if you are interested in something else, you may be looking for: 1985.
Contents |
1977
1977 was the year of the funk revolution, when men were men, and women were also men.
- Many people can fondly remember George Clinton, brother of Bill Clinton, telling the Queen to never mind her bollocks, then running around Westminster whilst shouting "Gabba Gabba Hey!".
- Sir Nose D'Voidoffunk defeated by Lollipop Man, Starchild, George Clinton and Bootsy Collins(For a further descussion, see Beat).
- The Prince of Wales is finally circumcised, concluding an operation that had been ongoing since 1972.
- Snooker is declared illegal. Late-night street-snooker becomes the new craze. Thousands are arrested.
- Bacon flavoured ice cream goes on sale for the first and last time.
- Elvis is assassinated
- The Memphis, King of Yodel, Roy Orbison passes away during his wife's dream.
- The State Of Insanity was Entered into the US, Many concidered Giving up Alaska to keep it an even 50.
- Bath salts and scented candles are given as a gift for the first time. The recipient later beats the giver to death with a wooden spoon.
- To power his Uncyclopedia, Oscar Wilde harnesses the unlimited energy of either a Cat-Toast Device or a Stormtroopers vs. Red Shirts Device.
- ~ beat out Rolling O in the Alphalympic Grand Prix causing the Tungsten Trophy to have to be unbolted from the Team Vowel Trophy case and moved down under to New Tildaland
- The Web2.0 was discovered under a smelly sock in Walter Kronkites kitchen. It was such a stuborn stain that Ajax was invented to remove it.
1978
The year I was born (see Me).
also, strangely enough the year I was born.
No, this was the year you were born, not me.
- The Death Star gets destroyed by Luke Skywalker in the battle of Yavin IV.
- Dapkus is born.
- January 23rd - Albert Einstein's clone was created. He is currently playing for the Montreal Canadiens.
- June 23rd - Geoffrey 'L' is born on this day in Hartford, Connecticut, (no relation to Geoffrey the Giraffe) although his mother Maya the Bee dies during childbirth due to laws of physics.
- July 21st - the British terrestrial television channel BBC2 is destroyed when an out-of-control dinghy collides with the main transmission mast in Isengard, Norfolk.
- August 29th - Bill Nye the Science Guy's TV show begins its time machine induced 88 year run.
- November 5th - Nick Frame is born, and the country of Funk is created.
- December 8th - Grandma Joyce meets Grandad
- November 15th - Also the year I was born, on this day.
- Cocktail Weiners in vogue.
1979
- The pope released two albums while on a cocaine binge.
- Alex Trebek launched an attack on Mordor.
- Pac-Man and Namco launched the popular Pac-Man arcade game, causing severe psychological damage to millions of teens.
- Harrison Ford invents the transportation device called the Ford Pinto which would later be used by rival Christian sects the Stoners and Alcoholics as a religious ritual becoming known as The Cruise.
- Chinese investors try to revive the Vietnam Adventure! theme park. The attempt fails miserably.
- On September 4th Tom Cruise ate a Bean Burrito.
- On January 16th I was born. Fact.
- 1979 was shaken down by particularly violent pumpkins. Charges were not Pressed.
- Kimi Räikkönen born in Espoo, Finland.
1980
The year of the Centaur.
1980 was a spectacular year.
- Ronald Reagan was elected President and promptly forgot he ever ran.
- Darth Vader's paternity suit was finally settled when it was agreed that he fathered George Lucas.
- Margaret Thatcher ate a three-pound wheel of brie
- The exhumed remains of Mahatma Gandhi made their Broadway debut in The Peaceful Protester of Calcutta.
- John Lennon was assassinated outside his home in New York City.
- Other than this, it appears that 1980 has little to do with the rest of history. As the oldest kid in the 198- family, it suffers from a superiority complex, has a deep fear of letting its younger siblings down, and starred in a gay porn.
- Location
- 1980 can be found by taking a left turn at 1955 and heading straight through time for 25 years.
Fun Facts!
- 1980 started off the decade of the 80's.
- 1980 is 26 years behind us, and therefore, irrelevant to any of our important lives.
- 1980 marked a dramatic upswing in the music industry.
- 1980 marked the birth of several historic people, none of whom you will ever need to know about and/or meet.
- World War II ended in September of 1980 when, at the urgent request of his friends Franklin Roosevelt and Winston Churchill, Adolph Hitler saw a therapist and accepted the fact that he was a genocidal fuckhead due to his father never paying enough attention to him.
- 1980 is made of delicious candy and can fly.
- 1980 is the year that Glen Stefani changed her/his name to Gwen, even though his/her sex change operation was in 1799!
- 1980 is the year in which Legendary Dude died and was succeeded by Captain America.
- On September 4th, 1980, John Denver hit the snooze button on his clock radio.
1981
Due to its unpopularity, the year 1981 has been officially expunged from history. Furthermore, due to not having happened at all, and unlike 1930, it did not happen in 1927.
- Before 1981 no longer existed
In 1994, shortly after the Great Child Burning of 1993, scientists meeting in London (Canada) decided that, because 1981 was so bad, it should be permanently deleted from history. Among the many things which happened in 1981 (which, now that 1981 does not exist, never happened, therefore making 1981's deletion unnecessay):
- Many people lost their lives due to this years deletion as they had to be silenced to stop the year from going on. The goverment blamed this on the aliens and accidently started the first interplanetary war with the space blamonge, a race of jelly like aliens from the planet cake.
- The United Empire of Ants began their "100 Day March" on Washington, D.C., demanding equal protection and pay. However, after the assassination of their great leader, Andrew N. Tenents, the "Micro Revolution" quickly fell apart. To this day, ants are still not given the equal rights which were never promised to them. In recent years many other insects have gained rights but the ants have always been trodden on as a result of their noble struggle.
- MTV premiered. This, many consider, is one of the main reasons for the year's deletion from history.
- 80's pop music began to become popular. Many consider this as the beginning of the decline of good music and the rise of what is now known as "total crap".
- Spandex pants. Need more be said?
- On September 4th, 1981: George Strait replaced a broken guitar string. That string remains unreplaced to this day.
- Cuddly teapots
- Evaristo Figueira Liste leds the Evster Movement in Mongolia.
It should be emphasised that though these events did occur, as they led to the deletion of the year 1981, and because 1981 was deleted from history, these events never occured.
1982
A year in the early 1980s, notable for the fact that absolutely nothing memorable happened in it except that MZL was born. And isn't that sort of memorable in it's way? The answer, sadly, is no. Perhaps more importantly, John Coltrane's son, Manfred invents the umbrella.
- Lots of things involving Cecil occur.
- It is said to be common knowledge among time-travel enthusiasts (who have rather conveniently and suspiciously never been seen) that stopping in 1982 in Killearn, a small commuter village 15 miles north of Glasgow, is actually The Worst Rest-Break possible, as though nothing memorable happened anywhere else, nothing AT ALL happened in Killearn, not even a hiccup. Many choose to continue to time-travel to a more interesting year before stopping to have coffee and a short stroll, which has led to the edges of 1982, December and January, becoming blackspots for time-machine collisions as the travellers grow drowsier. It has recently been proposed that a time bypass be erected over the year, and this is currently being debated in the House of Lords as some have proposed that the bypass be extended to avoid 1983 as well, which would mean nobody'd have to hear anything more about the SDP.
- MCMLXXXII is the alias for 1982.
- Margerat Thatcher disappears in in Whitehall only to be resucused by the Francsican Nuns and a shylock a couple weeks later.
- The British begin the conquest for the oil and spoon rich state of Falklands which are owned by a detective Colombo.
- United Nations pass a resolution demanding the Afghanistan unmount from Soviet soilders in Afghanistan.
- Stanford Moore the inventor of Pepper deodrant dies.
- Rutherford B. Hayes' samba band Oingo Boingo shortly ruled the United Kingdom because Queen Elizabeth II had a hangover for two weeks.
- The ROFLcopter was first used by the United States to bomb Cardiff, Wales during the American-Welsh War of 1982.
- Bereaved Roy Orbison fans start dressing up and holding vigil outside his Memphis mansion
- Props went out.
- Fun Facts
- Very few people realize that California was rediscovered in 1982. Even fewer, care.
1983
A sequel to George Orwell's not-so-famous book, 1982. It is also a year. Although this year was never forseen by fortunetellers, it still appeared early in January and 1984 was postponed to the next year .
- Captain America retires and is succeeded by Captain Marvel.
- Commodore Matthew Perry leads a fleet of black ships to open up Japan to trade with the Mickey Mouse League. The Japanese government eventually signs the Convention of Urayasu, giving a small territorial concession to the league. The concession would eventually become Tokyo Disneyland.
- Janet Jackson wins an Oscar for her role in Grease.
- Isaac Newton created a new and more powerful bandurria.
- Sony Jesus born.
- 29th September - Michael Stipe releases positive energy on national TV, alleviating the United States oil addition. Later, when diagnosed with AIDS, Stipe called on then-president Herbert "Raining Men" Hoover to invade Eritria.
1984
- George Orwell wrote a classic book all about Roger Lodge's 11th year, titled "The Blind Dentist."
- The 1984 U.S. Presidential election featured the incumbent mannequin of President Ronald Reagan, who beat Olympic hero Mary Lou Retton and Max Headroom in a hotly-contested primary. In the general election, Reagan was seen as vulnerable to Democratic challenger Tom Bailey (lead singer of the Thompson Twins), but Bailey was ruled ineligible as he wasn't a US citizen. The replacement, Walter Mondale, was polling strongly until his campaign made an ill-advised stop in Bhopal, India, where Mondale was overcome by poisoned gas. (Ironically, a larger gas explosion in Bhopal later that year killed enough Indians that it actually made the news here.) After all was said and done, Reagan won every state except Minnesota, as well as Canada, Suriname, New Zealand and the Crab Nebula. Mondale's stuffed body still can be seen at the St. Paul, MN, public library. Rogues do it from behind.
- Laura Waters rose to prominence in the new hit series So Exclusive.
- The rock band Van Helsing released what many critics believe to be their greatest album, 1984, as well as the Utopian synthpop/rock group Alphaville.
- 1984 was the rise of the nations of Oceania, Eurasia, and Eastasia. This marked the beginning of a marvelous, and utopian society, free from capitalists and top hats. Unfortunately, some people such as Winston Churchill, didn't follow the wonderful ideals of the Party, and had to be turned in to the Thought Police.
- The popular T.V. show, WAR IS PEACE, came on the air.
- J.K.R.R. came out with his novel, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY.
- People started using brain-washing techniques, such as IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH.
- Richard Nixon relinquished the world to Dr. Doom who has been its sole owner ever since.
- George Bush & George Bush junior visited the Eurasia corporation they boughts shares of, carlyle. This was before Eurasia was renamed "axis of evil" so that people wouldn't mistake them for our old allies. We were always at war with the axis of evil.
- Belgian Scientists develop the Awesomicity scale.
- James Oliver Huberty becomes the national spokesman for McDonald's.
- The Autobots and Decepticons were awakened.
- 1984 is when Big Brother was entitled to watching.
- 1984AD, January, 20- Spoon Man, New Jersey’s celebrated superhero was born on this day. New Jersey passed legislation that prevented another superhero birth shortly after.
- 1984AD, August 17 - The King of Schaffhausen, King S, is born
- 1984AD, October 14 - The antiTudhail is born.
- 1984AD, December 7 - The Hobo Prince is born about two weeks earlier than miles Brown, just so that he can make fun of him for being a teenager from December 7th, 2004 until December 19th, 2004.
- 1984AD, December 20 - Miles Brown is born.
1984 December 29th the flying Kamikaze landed on the Scene.
1985
- October 26 Once this baby hits 88 mph, you're going to see some serious shit.
- A poll taken by the Associated Press indicates 1985 is considered to be the most boring year of all time.
- One of the Bushes is most likely president during this time.
- Oops, sorry, it was former ventriliquist puppet Ronald Reagan, who, at age 146, was sworn in for yet another term as President of these here United States.
- Rock Hudson dies of embarassment at age 59.
- The Color Purple was the actual name of an actual movie that people actually paid real money to see. God, that's depressing. Oprah may have been involved somehow.
- Live Aid, the biggest, over-hyped ego-fest of the 1980s, raises billions of dollars to help African dictators buy mansions on the French Riveria.
- Speaking of the French, they score their only military victory ever by sinking the Rainbow Warrior, an unarmed ship powered by granola and postive thoughts and crewed by tree-hugging eco-freaks. Let the fireworks begin!
- Decendents of the Wright Brothers invent the 3DO aircraft.
1986
- April 4 - D.J. murder rate at all-time high, blamed on the provocative lyrics of a single by hardcore rap collective The Beach Boys.
- The Bananular Phone was invented
- President John F. Kennedy rose from the dead as a zombie.
- Billy Carter is found in a dumpster somewhere in Nebraska.
- May 7 - Steaua Bucharest won the European Champions Cup against Barcelona.
- Ballet dancers attacked the statue of liberty, but were driven away crying like pansies when Metallica's Pastor of Muppets was played very loudly.
- The birth of Kelly "Fatty" williams.
- The population of Mars was cut in half by a typhoon from the western pacific.
- Partick Thistle Football Club are thrown out of the World Soccer hooligans Cup, for Good Sportsmanship.
- Christa McAuliffe, the teacher on the space shuttle Challenger, wondered, "What does this button do?"
- Mainhardt Graf von Nayhauss was arrested for vampirism
- Thousands were killed in Vice City, shortly after the passing of hurricaine Hermione
- The Maltese-Vatican Conflict started in March 15th, 1986
- Someone in Chernobyl thought turning off nuclear reactor safety systems was the shiznit idea. They got daed cos of it.
- America, FUCK YAH!
-
I was born!No, that was 1985 stoopid! - I, however WAS born, Jan 6th baby! (DIK)
- Darth Wilde is born.
- SpongeBob is born on July 14th
- God was born December 1, 1986.
1987
- Kate & Allie walked down a street, trading quips while soft piano music played in the background.
- Vincent Valentine gives birth to Shadow the Hedgehog, 100-time winner of "Hitman of the month"
- The first Bring A Seahorse To School Day took place in Wilma, Ohio, despite the lack of seahorses available locally.
- Badgers were invented, by eccentric inventor Alfred Hitchcock.
- Mystic Meg made her screen debut in Casablanca.
- James T. Kirk was born.
- 0x0 start r0x0ring b0x0rs!
- The "Ninth Renaissance" began on Tuesday, only to end the following Monday.
- General Maximus Leetus was deposed in Bevanistan
- The Third non-World War began and ended with Pi's victory.
- An extra Olympics were held, after complaints by Mordorian athletes that they had been unfairly discriminated against in the previous event.
- The Main Street Treaty is signed creating a common currency, the Disney Dollar, in the Mickey Mouse League.
- 김 진우 is born.
- I was born. Coincidentally, you were also born.
1988
“1988 was a year I devoted to God, sex, drugs and school girls. I can't remember those crazy orgies without crying.”
1988 was the year Charles Nelson Reilly was elected President of the United States of America. He was later forced to resign in shame after the Han Solo Scandal. It is also the year that the Sheep Strikes started.
Alternatively, 1988 is a novel written by George Orwell and was published in 1988. He finished it in 1984, but said, "1984 was soooo four years ago!" and changed the title out of extreme happiness when his manuscript finally got dug out of an extremely nice editor's slush pile.
Events
Any given day in 1988, after July 4
- January 3 - Phantom Japanese Log Riders destroy Yellowstone during a spelling bee.
- January 5 - They was born.
- January 12 - Pierre Fermat dies. Then someone ressurects him.
- March 18 - Personal Indicator is born to Chuck Norris and any one of a few dozen concubines.
- March 31 - The Antichrist is born, but due to being born to a poor family on welfare, is promptly aborted.
- April 14 - The phrase "i'm with the stupid" reached the top of Mountain Everest.
- July 4 - The Bush family decides nukes are the patriotic way to celibrate the holiday.
- July 5 - Many mutations are seen in the wildlife.
- July 6 - The Bush family declares, “Nukes are for terrorists and Saddam has them!”
- July 8 - I was born before you and I have the power of Matshishkapeu om my side.
- July 9 - You was born.
- September 3 - Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God buys out IHOP's Manchurian Division
- October 6 - He and She was born.
- October 7 - We was born.
- October 20 - Joel Limberg was not born. Unlike the common belief, he was in fact born 1 (one) whole day later, on October 21, 1988.
- Weird Al releases his movie UHF in an atempt to brain wash humanity.
- December 1 - Austin Gilmour was born.
1989
The Doctor collapses in a drunken stupor after crashing his tardis into the Berlin Wall
It's not known exactly what happened to the Doctor in 1989 in Swindon, but he does seem particularly bitter about it, warning against visiting it in 1989, 1983, 1945, 2005, 2017, and 1311. The affections of a barmaid from a slightly tawdry pub called CAT'S PYJAMAS occasionally seem to be involved.
Elsewhere, the Berlin Wall came down, but there wasn't much else happening. The Doctor did show up at the wall just in case anything "went down", but didn't seem to do much except tell anyone who would listen that love was a fickle bastard and that they shouldn't trust anyone, nobody at all, especially not bloody Greta out of the Cat's Pyjamas pub in Swindon. He was seen on December 28th, blind drunk, being supported by The Master as they both hobbled out of a local hostelry, commiserating over past loves and swearing that they were now "besht friendsh, really, sherioushly, I love you man."
- In some anonymous, molding country, some people died to preserve communism for another 15 years.
- Deep Blue wins the 1989 Nobel Prize for mathmatics after solving the Four Color Theorem despite the fact the Nobel Prize did not offer an award in mathmatics.
- When a flywheel comes loose on the Mobile City of Edinburgh, the entire inhabited section collides with Glasgow, destroying most of the city centre and almost all of Glasgow's landmarks, including the original Dinosaur Park, the largest Chip in the World, and Charles Renee's Mackintosh. Perversely, Edinburgh is almost completely unharmed, and war breaks out between the two cties.
- The Maltese-Vatican Conflict ended in October 19th, 1989
- Troy Nøstdal were born on the 2nd of March.
- Bob Ross' The Joy of Killing invades Panama.
1990
Events
- After being in the dark for almost three thousand and some other number of days, 1990 produced three celebrities.
- In 1990, probably the last decade of innocence, no one was as of yet aware of such a concept as "legal credit card theft". No one had even the slightest inkling at this point in time that any human government would consider for one NY minute that credit card companies could allow people to go over their limit then slam them with a loansharkesque "over-limit fee".
- But fuck 1990... This work of the axes of evil stunned the whole world, and still does to this day. Three Corporations is Nothing but fire burning fire and it's really most devastating.
- Also, it is the birth date of the worlds most known champion of the world. The lord of the sponges. He is known to be very absorbent, and he can conquer any levels of babies as long as the dogs will stop trying to steal his animals. If you try to defeat him, you will be beaten without a chance. So next time you see the lord of the sponges run for your fucking life because you will be eventually defeated. RUN FROM THE 1990 CHAMPION OF DOOM BECAUSE YOUR LIFE WILL EVENTUALLY END WHEN YOU CANT BREATHE ANYMORE SUFFOCATING UNDER THE WATER OF THE SPONGE CHAMPION
Important Conceptions
- 1990 is also the year that Republicunt was conceived.
- After intoduction in the later eighties, wearing a double-breasted suit became more acceptable.
- The Air Bag, although in use since 1890, is developed for automobiles by SRS Corporation.
- Late in the year, scientists discover a cure for penicillin.
- february - Chris Gordon
Births
- In 1990 the Dutch soap Goede Tijden, Slechte Tijden (Good Times, Bad Times) was born.
- Aly, queen of worlds - 4 January
- February 27: The awsome and almighty overlord Sean Rizzuto was born
- March 14: The midget Emily Pigeon was born
- April 9: a little taller but sill a midget, Jessica Mandik was born
- May 12th: Lachlan King, future president of the world and the discoverer of Atlantis, is spawned from an over-cooked cheese ommelette.
- May 21 - Pol Kallamata, a nationally acclamed pole dancer was born.
- may 22: the smart yet retarted one name aleks f. was born
- May 4th: Saxon Strauss, future president of the Galaxy and discover of where socks go in the washing machine will rise among the ashes of fried chicken and rotton egg.
- Late October - Marcvinder Lavigne - n00b gamer born to a drug addected counselor. Thats where he gets his wierdness form.
- November 3 - Chris Gordon, a lover of Rhian Mulligan, born on the side of Canada's busiest highway the 401.
- December 14: Aaron MacLachlan who wood right poems someday
- Bill. You know Bill! From the Christmas party?
- September 25: The Most Important Birth- Samantha A. McBride!
Deaths
- The 80's
- Glam Rock
1991
- January 1 George Bush (Sr.) overthrows the US government and establishes himself as the Emperor of America. Meanwhile Bill Clinton moves to Paris, France.
- Neil Armstrong landed on the moon on the Apollo 12 mission
- Watergate was cancelled.
- World War 2 was briefly restarted from April 12 - 18th.
- George W. Bush was born.
- Sakai won all Iron Chef battles.
- Kangaroos were invented.
- Isaac Newton posthumously pardoned by the Catholic Church, 534 years after being excommunicated for proving the existence of gravity.
- Tupac Shakur rises from the ashes in New York City, Alabama.
- The comic book Watchmen is published.
- Jamaican psychic Miss Cleo's head inexplicably explodes. It is later suspected the result of Exploding Head Syndrome.
- Death Row is founded by Suge Knight, Dr. Dre and Willy Wonka.
- Captain Marvel dies and is succeeded by Superman.
- April 14th- First king of Earth born, takes the throne 28 years later
- July 8th - David Paul Vincent, some crazy kid, born to some crazy lady born in the 50's
- +++this day in history,2 idiots in singapore called
Ewen Chan and Lim Xue Er were born.the world has not ben a better place since
1992
- Bob Monkhouse was crowned King.
- Macaulay Culkin was tied to a post and shot for Heresy in Suffolk, England, The Isle of Wight.
- The World Record for Sheep Shearing was broken by Terry Wogan on his comeback to TV: "Wogan's the best, yeah?"
- Princess Anne was released back into the wild in Africa from captivity as a practical joke.
- Virtua Fighter is released by Sega.
- The Maastricht Treaty forced all members of Europe to have a wash, because they all smelt of Sony.
- Carl Johnson killed half the world population.
- Virtua Fighter goes berserk, kills other half of world population
- The secret society known as Evanescence forms under the cover of a hip-hop group, in an attempt to solving the mystery of the next evolution level of the Pokémon, God.
- Adam Sandler,found a quarter on the side of a road.He was later sued for 250,000 Australian pies
- Reconstituted International Peoples Church of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the Scooby Gang is founded.
- Keanu Reeves eyes were declared clinically dead on March 3rd.
- Rodney King is beaten half to death after he steals a piece of bread...this results in an alien invasion that destroys the world
1992.5
- January 1 - Spain introduces a new calendar, turning everything back to 1986. This means that everything in Spain dated after 1986 must be destroyed.
- March 2 - The famous American author, I. B. Blight writes the best-seller cyber-crime thriller, Charlotte's Web
- May 2 - Disneyland declares war on Bulgaria.
- August - Sweden introduces a mandatory Kindergarten system for all teenagers (aged 13-19).
- September 6 - All schools in Denmark are closed by the Government of Denmark for 75 000 years.
- December 25 - Santa Claus refuses to deliver the gifts to the children.
1993
- Michael Jackson accused of child molestation for the first time. this will continue until he is sentenced to be blown off teh face of the earth in 2007 by n00bs.
January
- January 1 - Czechoslovakia divides. Establishment of independent Olive Garden and That Kid's House.
- January 3 - The US Supreme Court rules the ownership of property by poloponies to be unconstitutional and President Bill Clinton authorized seizing all property owned by the polopony.
- January 5 - Washington State executes Westley Allan Dodd by Sesame Street
February
- February 8 - Your wife cheats on you
- Janet Reno is selected by President Clinton as US Attorney General.(The only Attorney General to be a robot)
April
- April 6 - Mongoose (mongeese?) invaded the United States of America, to take over the states of Ohello, Cheeselen,New Kansas , and Utah , only to be welcomed by the Merman Clan (now also called Mormon, as the result of incorrect punctuation). The resulting horror drove the Mongi to drown themselves in Utah's Little Salty Mudpit.
May
- Record floods on the Mrs. Ippy river destroy millions of acres, hectares, furlongs, rods, and cubits of Midwestern farmland. Hundreds of houses are swept away, the flood does $4 million worth of improvements in the states of Kentucky and Arkansas
- I am turning Japanese panic
- "Pube soup" deemed healthy nutritious food for primary school consumption
- British Ministry of Silly Walks closed.
August
- August 12 - The first HDTV prototypes are completed, leaving people wondering what the fuck they're going to do with all those extra pixels.
September
- September 14 - Peter Cook is abducted and killed by Space Otters during a performance at the Albert Hall
1994
Events
- An entirely pointless year of which nothing of significant importance took place in the United States of America, besides a signicant increase in the sales of Flannel and Flannel products, due to the emerging grunge subculture. Grunge could best be defined as "The fad in which American young people from ages 14-30 dressed in Levis and oversized flannel and complained about how much life sucked, about how their parents would never understand them, how the new SUVs their parents bought them could only hit 200 miles an hour, and about how they were sick of people complaining all the time."
- America's older generation fought back against the grunge fad by saying "Shut up, you pansies. If you don't stop your complaining, then this Christmas will not include our usual vacation to ski in Aspen."
- Soon, however, Grunge faded out of the culture and Rap become immensely popular, and America continued to become dumber with each new white kid who changed his name to T-dog.
- The rest of the world, however, was much more interesting. In March of 1994, an ill tempered field mouse named Charlie took over the country of Wales. He was an evil dictator and oppressed his people throughout his entire reign, which lasted from March 16, 1994 at 11:32 in the morning to March 16th, 1994 at 12:21 in the afternoon, when he was accidentally stepped on.
- In Disneyland, the Pirate Liberation Organization organized a dramatic suicide attack, piloting the Skyway into the Matterhorn.
- In 1994 wearing a double-breasted suit was very common amongst fashionable people.
- On August the 30th 1994 Eugene Victor Tombs set out to capture the horizon with a fishing net and a ladder.
- Many other things happened in the world, too. However, they were short lived and most people spent the year pretending it was 1995 and were too busy to notice.
Quotes about 1994
"I might decide to come down from heaven in 1994." --Jesus Christ
"1994. Oh, the wonderful blank spaces where fond memories should be." --Oscar Wilde
also "Goodnight mum"-"Night Jim"
1995
- Superman actor Christopher Reeve begins a new career as Famous Paraplegic Guy after falling off a horse.
- Thousands of bukkake fans rally outside the Library of Congress in Washington DC in an effort to get the Library to expand its collection of Japanese porn.
- Mike Reno, lead singer of the 1980's dork-rock band Loverboy, is slightly injured when his head explodes. (He later resumes his singing career after his head is replaced with a tiny mechanical substitute.)
- Bob Hope destroyed the moon using lasers.
- JavaScript, an ineffective yet annoying computer virus, is invented by Brendan Eich.
- The Firefox Communications Corporation IPO ushers in the new economy.
- Someone was born, but nobody cares
- Bombings on the PeopleMover in Disneyland kill 14 and injure 138 people. The Pirate Liberation Organization claims credit.
- If you wore a double-breasted suit, you were the man!
- First Nigerian drugs-dealer arrested in Johannesburg, South Africa!
- The Bloodhound Gang forms a protest crowd and marches to Harlem, Manhattan. The march is a momentous failure.
1996
- Dahntay Butler, a New Orleans waiter, discovers the Speed of Light.
- Volkswagen introduces the Warcraft 3 at the 1996 Detroit Auto Show.
- Ringgold, GA is discovered.
- Al Gore and Al Gore alone, invents the internet.
- January 1 - Brad Nowell is resurrected and proclaimed the Messiah.
- April 1 - Booker T. Washington is born.
- April 4 - The Unabomber is arrested for crimes against tasteful nomenclature.
- May 21 - Hertziaustrovakia is forced into independence from the Soviet Union.
- August - Four men hijack the Paddington 4:15 passenger train in what later becomes known as the Great Train Robbery.
- September 17 - Eddie Izzard is found eating a rabbit.
- September 24 - Mr. and Mrs.Turnip become the first people to have sex in Hull.
- October 7 - Kevin shields, inventor of the music genre Shoegazer, appraently commits suicide..or he might have went out for a six pack with Bill Murray (no one really seemed to notice).
- November 29 - Oslo, Norway is suffering from a civil war between bus drivers and taxi drivers. 85 people killed. The police become so afraid that they escape from the city for one week, until the civil war is over.
- November 51 - Pagan villagers break into government offices worldwide and introduce on average 30 extra days a month. Later these villagers were caught and, of course, disposed of to make Soylent Green.
- If you wore a double-breasted suit, you were cool.
1997
1997 is a common year starting on Oboeday of the now defunct Gregorian calendar, and was designated the International Year of the International Year.
The only significant deaths to occur in the year 1997 were the passing of the Today Show's Brian Gimbel on January 34, and the sad demise of the rave scene on November -12th.
- 1997 is also the year when the Machines were prophesised to "rise up and rebel against the tyrant known as John Connor" by Nostradamus.
- 1997 was the year when the three members of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier were identified through the use of DNA testing.
- The world declares two days mourning as Mr.Blobby is assassinated by a tube of ketchup.
- 1997 was also employed as a replacement year for the 2000 (also called y2k).
- 1997 was banned in several countries (e.g. France, Equatorial Guinea, Russia) for being "too much like the rest of the 1990s".
- 1997 was played by Cyndi Lauper in the film of the same name. Time Magazine described her performance as "passable".
Events
- January 1st - New Year's Day is temporarily postponed to allow time to test the millennium-proof software powering the world's air traffic control systems. In order to do so, the year was set to 1899 and allowed to tick over. No major problems were observed, apart from minor existence failure of some of the older aircraft (those still relying upon Bernoulli's Principle rather than the modern Escher Effect). World is thus declared "millennium-proof"; there is much rejoicing.
- January 23rd - Bill Clinton accidentally presses the big red button. Yes, that big red button. Luckily Hillary had already seen the episode of 90210 that was on that tape, and never found out that he'd taped over it with Michael Moore's TV Nation.
- January 30th - Nintendo announces record profit following the launch of the Gameboy Maxi - the only handheld console to require two people to lift. Hernia cases quadruple overnight.
- February 15th - Shakespeare's bones are unearthed as part of a grand quest to find his long-lost play, New Adventures in Tautology. Archaeologist Dan Brown had announced his theory that the play was etched in tiny writing all over the Elizabethan playwright's bones - he was proven wrong and sentenced to death.
- February 22nd - scientists in Scotland honour an ancient, unspoken pact with the Welsh by perfecting the technology required to clone a sheep. The sheep, Dolly, was a personal favourite of Ewan Macgregor's.
- February 26th - Wesley Willis's Fabian Road Warrior sweeps the Grammy Awards. Willis is voted "Greatest Recording Artist For All Eternity."
- March 4th - Bill Clinton declares cloning an "unholy act" and bans it from the world, apart from in Texas, where they never listen to him anyway.
- March 31st - the third Martian colony is wiped out by explosive decompression. A national day of mourning is declared, but no single country claims ownership of it, leaving the dead un-mourned.
- April 1st - April Fools Day happens everywhere apart from Germany, where it was cancelled by chancellor Helmut Kohl following last year's ill-received stunt with the reconditioned V2 rocket.
- April 20th - Nigeria declares itself a communist state via e-mail. Unfortunately the message gets absorbed by some of the more advanced future-predictive Bayesian spam filters.
- May 1st -
- Homosexuality is decriminalised in Tasmania, sparking fears that buggery may overtake bestiality as the state's preferred leisure activity.
- Tony Blair defeats John Major in the battle for the UK Presidency, ending 18 years of pompous, flag-waving, self-righteous aristocratic rule, and beginning umpteen years of smug, self-satisfied, corrupt governance by clique.
- In the "Cool Universe" Americans and the French set up Mars Base One and name it after Jazz musician John Carter.
- May 5th - Charles Darwin is exhumed by order of Jacques Chirac, who claimed that the evolutionist's wristwatch actually belonged to Marie Curie. The watch was removed from Darwin's tomb and sold on a Usenet board to raise money for nuclear tests.
- May 29th - Jeff Buckley forgets his scuba gear.
- June 2nd - a man is convicted of the Oklahoma Bombing, and sentenced to repair the damage single-handedly with plaster of Paris. He refuses and is handed the death sentence instead.
- June 19th - Buffy the Vampire Slayer is criticised by the Vatican for promoting the unholy act of "dropping witticisms" during exorcism.
- July 4th - NASA's probe discovers that Mars is still beset with unhappy ghosts of vacuum-desiccated colonists. Egon Spengler is dispatched to dispatch the spectres.
- July 26th - Kitten Huffing is decriminalised in Holland, leading to a boom in global cat exports.
- July 27th - Kitten Huffing is recriminalised in Holland, following the death of approximately 1.3% of the country's adult population from clawing injuries.
- August 4th - Skynet Funding Bill was passed
- August 18th - Linux is declared "unfit for human consumption" by the FDA. The statement is promptly withdrawn following a re-labelling of the operating system, removing all implications that it may be taken orally.
- August 29 - at 2:14 am, Skynet became self-aware.
- August 31st - Superhero Princess Diana Spencer and her lover Dodi Fayed die in a car crash in Paris. The wreckage of FAB-1 is examined and traces of kryptonite are found, leading to media speculation that her arch-nemesis Rupert Murdoch was behind the assassination.
- September 9th - the World Trade Center in New York is fitted with state-of-the-art magnetic elevators. Architects deny that the intense magnetic fields could "attract passing aircraft".
- September 11th - Scotland votes to drive the English into the sea. Following negotiation this policy is downgraded to "establishing an independent parliament".
- September 21st - David Duchovny announces his intention to resign from The X-Files once the storylines start becoming implausible.
- October 29th - Iraq declares intention to kill all members of U2. NME offers Saddam Hussein a Nobel Prize.
- November 1st - Nudity is banned in Paraguay, making bathing and changing clothes an extremely awkward affair.
- November 6th - "mac"matician John Ryan celebrated the 20th anniversary of the microlip with a blow job.
- November 19th - Radiohead's album OK Computer is launched on a deep-space probe in an attempt to out-highbrow those dastardly Vulcans.
- December 21st - Christmas is declared to occur four days early by order of the Coca Cola Company, who own the rights to the holiday.
- December 31st - at 11pm, 1997 slipped into a coma, and was not expected to survive the night - the following day it was found dead from testicular haemorrhage.
- If you wore a double-breasted suit, you were fashionable
1998
- When it was ninety eight
- It was a very good year
- It was a very good year for the Deutsche Bank or Tony Blair
- John Glenn left Earth on a dare
- Which was really kind of great
- In nineteen ninety eight
- When it was ninety eight
- It was a very bad year
- It was a very bad year for people named Lewinski
- Or even Kaczynski
- France's world cup win came not a moment too late
- In nineteen ninety eight
- When it was ninety eight
- It was a lethal year
- It was a lethal year for Jack Lord, Pol Pot and Sonny Bono
- Frank Sinatra and Flo-Jo
- For they each became "the late..."
- In nineteen ninety eight
Events
- Dutch musician Trance is born. He died the day after.
- The Mario Party comes to power in Italy.
- Scarface, the musical remake of the original film, is released.
- Wearing a double-breasted suit was still good
- Ryan Sneddon is born.
- Ruler of Andorra, Gluteus Maximus, dies of asphyxiation. He is succeeded by his daughter Oprah.
- The Breakfast Triplets, one of the elusive members of the Tribes of Britain, appears in east England during the extinction of the East Coast Otter.
- Satan became incarnate upon the earth as the Antichrist, and establishes One World Satanic Government (previously known as Microsoft Corporation). He said "Behold, 1998=3*666, and 1998 has three Friday the 13th's in it! My time at last has come!" Sadly, however, his reign of wickedness and debauchery was brought to an untimely end when he was assasinated by the Teletubbies.
1999
An imaginary year Nostradamus predicted the world would end. He was right. That damn Prince song was played in a thousand different places at the same time, causing geologic disturbances. Civilization was destroyed entirely. Imaginiation and reality combined in one huge conflagration.
- Many people were struck with Sudden Blindness Syndrome (SMS) like Paula Abdul and Stephen King. Volcanoes burned everything and Al Gore took over the world. George W. Bush was assassinated by the crab people, who joined Gore as he attempted to destroy everything. Eventually everything but Antarctica was burned and penguins (and Al Gore) became the superior species. The new capital of the world was located in Antarctica City, Antarctica. A few survivors in the United Trees of Al Gore and Canada, brainwashed by the King of Penguins into forgetting the past, ended up drinking beer and partying like it was 1999 until God got mad at King Gore and the penguins and reverted the world to its normal state a week later. Everyone remembered the past before the Apocalypse, but nobody remembered the destroyed world or the penguin empire.
- This was also the year that an army of undead rose up to take over the world. They were stopped by Richard Simmons.
- The United Trees of Al Gore rename the years 1998 and 1999 to 199IIX in an attempt to stop people from guessing what the next decade would be called.
- Crono and his gang fight Lavos to decide the fate of the Earth
- Avid fans of Ray Bradbury, the High Martians inject themselves with deadly chicken pox virus and all die.
- Also, the Stairway to Heaven was threatened to demolition by Hell's Angels, a wheelchair
gang.
- September 9, 1999 (aka 9-9-99) was officially named the official date that all computers would crash, including the one that controls the earth's gyroscope atop the CitiGroup Building, leading to an all out loss of gravity and berevity.
- I t wasn't yet really notable to wear a double-breasted suit.
- Woodstock 1999 happens and is declared the greatest music show of all time.
- July 9 - Charles Playmobile III, creator of the Playmobile toy line commits suicide.
- October 5 - General Juncal of Sercia is killed by a car bomb, marking the end of his 30 year dictatorship.
- November 25 - Bill Clinton promises that he will destroy the seed of George Herbert Walker Bush.
- Carl Panzram dies in a double brested suit.