This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it probably didn't happen.
Represented here are the time periods from 2000AD to 2099AD.
Contents |
2000
- The year that Fortran died.
- People live on the moon with robots.
- People eat protein pills instead of food and wear cool, shiny lycra bodysuits.
- Everybody travels around using jet-powered backpacks.
- Life in the year 2000 was totally excellent.
- The United States Federal Government announced on January 1, 2000 that all helmet laws for children were revoked and instead parents were to report with their children to Juvinle Enveloping Centers where minors would be encased in nutrient rich foam filled eggs for their own safety. Upon maturity, the beings would emerge as full grown adults and thus able to navigate the world without fear of cracking their heads open when they fall off their bikes.
- Ralph Nader is destroyed by all things.
- Snoopy gets dismantled and sold for scrap metal by evil forces on a mission to Prauge. The mission was to prevent Prague from separating from the United Kingdom of America. The Peanuts crew was sucessful but in addition to Snoopy dying, Schroeder, Team Dark Knight, Spike, and Woodstock get killed as well. Charlie Brown retires leaving just Lucy, Linus, and Rerun. The van Pelt siblings decide to disband Peanuts. A week later, Charles M. Schulz gets killed in a bombing of Florida by Republicans trying to force the people in that state to vote for them. They succeed and elect George W. Bush to the White House.
- Hillary Clinton grows a penis and gets elected to the United States Senate. A bombing of the Senate Building by male chavaunists then happens, killing Ted Kennedy and six other US Senators, but not Hillary.
- Yugoslavia joins the United Kingdom of America.
- The PlayStation 2 begins it's reign of terror.
- A flood almost sinks Great Britain. For some reason however, Ireland(including Northern Ireland) was unaffected.
- Pootie Tang is named Greatest Movie in the Universe and wins every Academy Award. The runner-up is Gigli.
2001
- January 15- Wikipedia begins.
- Ted Turner sold the WCW to the WWF.
- Mac OS X was released. It then crashes the computers of everyone who bought it.
- 2001: A Space Oddessy is found in a hole in Megatexas.
- Houston gets destroyed by a flood and replaced by Carson City(moved from Nevada(the state) via several nets, helicopters, and bulldozers).
- The Sun gets stolen by Steve Ballmer in an attempt to Fucking Kill™ everyone.
- The Sun is then stolen back by Oscar Wilde within 3 hours and 66 minutes.
- August 15- Strawberry Jesus is born, and immediately begins preaching the good word of his holiness B.
- September 11- 16.5 Hillbillies crash 5 Planes in the trianglagon, and another plane hits the World Trade Center in Los Angeles, North Dakota.
- An artifical heart was installed in Oscar Wilde to replace his real heart, which was eaten by Steve Ballmer in an attempt to Fucking-Kill™ him. However, he(Oscar) got killed by a falling safe on the way out of the hospital.
- Max Payne kills over 350 people. 349 of them probably deserved it.
- This year was techincally the start of the new millenium but the Y2K Bug messed with people's heads and thus the world thought the new millenium started in 2000 instead.
- Guns N'Roses goes on a reunion tour sans any original members except Axl Rose. Axl Rose then promised that the Chinese Democracy album would be released by the end of the year. It didn't happen.
2002
- An editor from Uncyclopedia
stoleborrowed Oscar Wilde's old time machine and went back in time to 2001 and made it so that Steve Ballmer never ate Oscar Wilde's heart. He then went back to 2002 and his computer. - The United Nations steals all of Osama bin Laden's money.
- An American goes crazy and kills a bunch of Canadians.
- Nirvana releases three albums of outtakes. Kurt Cobain rolls in his grave so fast that he goes all the way to China. China then refuses to give back the body of Kurt Cobain. This ended up resulting in The Fight for Kurt Cobain.
- The sun gets stolen by George W. Bush. He uses it successfully as a negotiation piece with the entire world. Thus, he controlled the entire world from that point on. Negotiations lasted only two hours.
- Dave Thomas died. Wendy's collaspes by 2010.
- Naruto comes into America. The show kills 300 Pokemon and 500 Digimon.
- Half of Europe gets destroyed in a flood. Ireland(including Northern Ireland) gets destroyed too. But the United Kingdom doesn't get flooded this time however.
2005
- George Bush is sworn in to his second term as President of the United States. Hurricane Katrina pummels the southern US and New Orleans is flooded. Decepticons rule the planet Cybertron. Megatron hijacks an Autobot supply ship and lays siege to Autobot City. Optimus Prime saves the Autobots, but he is mortally wounded in battle. Unicron tries to destroy Cybertron, but he is defeated by the Autobot Matrix of Leadership.
- The Shadow Government of Konami reveals that they have been in control of Japan for nearly 7,000,000,000 years. George Bush sends Solid Snake to defeat Konami, only to be hit by a bus 5 minutes later.
- The Great Petco Blowup of 2005
- ABC announced that they are planning to cancel their hit television series Alias, causing fans everywhere to make an oath that they will not eat until J.J. Abrams revokes his decision. He didn't; they died.
- Airman Grant Frazier is kicked out of the US Air Force for being a jackass, and his partner in crime Victor Smith saved a burning baby from an infant building.
2006
2006 is this year, unless you're reading this now, in which case 2006 is 100% now. If you are reading this in 2007 or beyond, well, apparently Keanu Reeves will save the Earth. All sorts of interesting things will happen/are happening/happened in 2006!
- Pope, the voice of God on earth, explodes. Replaced with re-incarnation of Hitler whose views disagree with former Pope's - claims "God changed his mind."
- Airman First Class Amy Huling raped your mom and liked it.
- The Glen Miller Band stunned the world with a posthumous reunion tour.
- A group of meddling kids remove the mask from George W. Bush revealing that he was Gary Coleman all along.
- Oprah destroys the funny-sounding African city of Ouagadougou with bug spray.
- A few teenage boys get extremely bored during school one day and decide to write 3 essays worth of1337 uber c00l... words. Which are amusing to silly souls who spend too much time on the net.
- Microsoft is acquired in a hostile takeover by Oscar Wilde who copyrights all Microsoft jokes found on the Internet.
"Top that Churchill !"
- Winston Churchill battles the Silver Surfer, siphoning off the Power Cosmic and using it to fight Galactus. "I have taken more out of Galactus than Galactus has taken out of me." ~~ Yogi Berra.
- March 10- Google loots the planet Mars from its orbit and prepares to re-launch it as Planet Google.
- Windows gets a virus. Every single PC is wiped out. Windows users cannot recover from the shock. They continue to try to go about their daily lives with no change at all.
- Steve Guttenberg wins five Oscars. In his acceptance speech, he says "I couldn't have done this without the help of Scott Baio and Eric Roberts."
- Google celebrated their 10th Birthday on the 6/6/06 - and revealed to the world their hot new devil worshipping logo!
- Iran will declare war on Harrison Ford. Ford will emerge victorious.
- Abu Ghraib gives us a second helping of what it is like living in legal loopholes. The US people envy them for not having to pay taxes, as they fail to see the problem with not even applying the rules against animal cruelty. The local rats even emigrated/timewarped to 1950 northen siberian to get better living conditions without PETA's help!
- The Earth will plummet into the sun, killing everyone who lives there (on the sun, not the earth. Pay no attention to global warming conspiracies, we'll be fine).
- Keanu Reeves will save the Earth from something bad.
- Will this be before or after the Earth plummets into the sun?
- Depends on whether you're reading this before or after 2006.
- The Nike Revolution
- Everyone agrees to call it a potĀto, not potato, and the whole thing is called off.
- Dj love master 5000 is born.
- Morgan Freeman kills George Bush, and becomes both the first black President and the first black God.
- Chuck Norris produces off-spring by way of Sigourney Weaver, to produce a new elite kind of army, known as EEL - The Earth Extra-Terrestrial Legion - and consquently take over Guam and declare it 'New Havana'. The plans go astray when Che Guevara is ressurrected and being quote 'mightly nobbed off', starves the people of New Havana - who in turn eat the EEL. Chuck Norris prepares for his 'Crusade of Grief' - better known as World War III.
- In a surprise move, Pope John Paul II undergoes a one-hour canonizing (52 minutes 12 seconds) using a radical new process, breaking the previous record for canonization of 4 years 28 seconds.
- Metallica will die in a terrible crash resulting in Kirk Hammett illegally bleeding in a public area.
- Squids On A Plane premieres, to rave reviews. Jack Cain 18:39, 28 Dec 2005 (UTC)
- Gumby does a comeback, and Pokey sues for sexual harassment hoping to steal the Gumby trademark and love off making anatomically complete plush Gumby dolls.
- Pat Robertson is miraculously revived from the undead.
- The entire continent of Africa is claimed by Mick Dundee and then renamed New Australia.
- Ford invents a new environmentally fit car that runs on hopes and dreams. It will be named the Dreamland Express and will get 2,300 miles per gallon.
- North Korea changes it's national anthem to My Humps after Kim Jung-Il beats Leroy Jenkings in a game of WarCraft.
- Six US ports are sold to the axis of oil, causing worldwide economic collapse as the shipping costs control make oil cheaper or more expensive as needed for US re-election. It also help finance 9/11, the sequel!
- Axis of Oil joke fails to impress a rioting crowd outside Jay Leno's house.
Shneed's infamous attack on the deathstar in 2006 and a half.
March 29
- Annular Earth eclipse seen from the Moon. You had to be there to understand, it was beeeeautiful man!
All Neo-Fascists in the town of Oshawa suddenly explode. Anyone leaning towards the right suddenly swing to the left. They also explode.
A boy named Henry Cao will rule the world and the universe with god by his side.
2006 and a half
Contrary to popular belief, 2006 and a half does NOT come here (between 2006 and 2007). It was, in fact, relocated to just after the year threven BC by the evil dictator Shneed. This was done to enforce Shneed's radical "You don't mess with Shneed 'less you want an ass-whoopin' " policy.
2007
- Misappropriated pictures of Theresa E. Jones and Samantha L. Ayala in questionable positions released on the internet.
- George Bush is killed by rogue CTU agent Jack Bauer, in a rush election, Present iPod Video is elected. Within a matter of days The United States Of Apple declares war on the small offshore island Microsoft.
- The first funny joke is finally remembered, after many thousands of years of waiting in the shadows to strike.
- #1 Macintosh and Apple fan Joel Maher was tragically killed on this day while stacking mac computer componants in a tall tower in a cheap attempt to reach the sun. One Powermac G5 accidentally fell and crashed into Mr Mahers thick head. He stumbled and bumped another pile, this one made of copies of Windows Vista he had stolen. The pile fell and Joel was buried alive, incidently this pile was stolen by Joel for the intension of being used a alternative firewood buring the Mac Vs Microsoft wars. Goodbye Joel, its a shame you had no soul, or you might of been invited into heaven for a moment or two.
2012
- December 12th - Last day of the Mayan Calander and the end of the Third Age of Man (The Age of Illusion). Robert Jordan finally finishes his God Danmed Book and is imediately burned alive by 5600 angry readers who thought he should have finshed it 200 years earlier.
- December 13th - Beginning of the Fourth Age of Man (The Age of Marketing). Oprah celebrates by sacrificing a kitten on national T.V. Jesus Christ is reborn as homeless guy from the Bronx named Mel. The 5600 readers who burned Robert Jordan alive commit suicide when they realize that it will be another 10,500 years before anything interesting happens on this God Damned Rock.
- December 14th - "Earth Riding" is popularized by actor Matthew McConaughey as he sets a saddle down on the ground and sits upon it. He then starts drinking beer and stating country colloquialisms like: "Don't make a straight line crooked." and "If you claim not to remember it, it's not incest."
- December 24th - The "Great Return". Joel Maher the true fan of Apple and all things evil returns from the grave to attend the Annual Apple Christmas Bash. After a speech in which he was repeatedly bruised with rotting Apples, Joel retreated to the corner to plott his revenge. However the party was crashed by the saviours of Microsoft on a Holy Mission to clean the world of all Macs. Joel in an attempt to escape was caught on the end of a 1998 pleged Windows spear. His body after the attack was left to rott in a bathtub somewhere in the middle of nowhere (Mexico). He promises to return again.
- December 25th - Joels rotting corpse comes after his arch enemies, Defunct Dhyllan and Ganghis Green, eats them alive. Go's home. Sleeps.
2015
- The outbreak of World War III.
- The U.S. Governement erases George W. Bush from all public record and knowledge. In high school history books, his picture and name is replaced with "a small, evil potted plant."
- Joel the "great evil" plans to return on this year but as it turns out it is a leap year so he can not return yet. Also he is in dept to his disgrace of a computer 'company' after having all the employees brainwashed so that they would all praise him and his name. It, of course, did not work and now when ever they walk past him they suddenly have the erge to kick him in the groin
2016
- January 1 - Joel returns to the world and slips of a cover of Windows Vista Mark 5.0, released after is great line of success. Joel is knocked into a long coma.
- January 3 - The reincarnation of Roman Emperor Nero is sent from Hell to destroy the world.
- January 19 - Thread is invented.
- February 12 - According to scientists, the Scottish island of Orkney will be totally submerged.
- April 33 - South African admiral Nelson Mandela is awarded the Nobel War Prize.
- May 1 - The End of time begins as indicated by The Great Hourglass, discovered by achaeologists in 1972.
- June 14 - The Light saber succeds the Swiss army knife as the universal tool.
- June 30 - The Wovercraft replaces the ride on lawnmower as the main form of personal transport.
- July 4 - Joel awakens upon this day and steps of his medical bed only to stand into a puddle of water and slip once again into another coma.
- December 31 - Samus frees robot ninjas with jetpacks and flamethrowers from enslavement by Space Pirates with dinosaurs. Unfortunately, a single metroid kills all robot ninjas with jetpacks and flamethrowers after Samus leaves.
- December 31 (23:59) - Joel the evil one wakes up again and returns to his life in the world. Steps out onto the street and is hit by a driver who was going way too fast in an attempt to get home as quickly as possible to test his new copy of Windows Vista Mark 5.0. Joels body is mangled but in the crash Joel somehow gained a soul, and is delivered straight to Hell, Postage Free.
2019
- Jesus launches attack on the Earth's sun in retaliation to all hate crimes. After weeks of darkness, The People's Democratic Republic of Ecuador pledge 36% of their gross domestic product constructing one of the largest space stations in history—The Ana-Lucia—serving as an international launch pad to defeat the rogue Jesus once and for all, and to save Christmas by 2023.
By now, you would have eaten 2019 twinkies.
Something along the lines of crotchality.
- First king of Earth takes the seat of power and declares that you aren't worthy of hearing his true name.
- People all around the world finally realize that listening to Coldplay just is not cool.
- Joel "the evil one" meets with a long time friend Smitty99 in the depths of Hell and through using an old modem connection they escape and make their way into a single computer in the living world. They make their way into a Powermac G4 and after finally realising that it is a piece of shit they then make make a last attempt to reach a suitable system. Unfortunatly they reach a Linux and their souls expire, sending them back to Hell once more.
2020
- Benedict Arnold becomes the first human to land on Mars. He used the White House's elevator to reach Mars.
- The conclusion of World War III
- Joel planned to return and take over the world on this date but decided to take a nap instead. Smitty99 betrays Joel by turning to Microsoft and his soul is sent up a level higher in Hell. Also he is given a half price copy of Windows Vista Mark 6.0 as a gift. Smitty tries to eat it but chokes in the process and is sent back to Joels level.
2022
- December 25 - Moon declares war on Jupiter.
- December 26 - Joel declares war on Satan and the minions of Hell (Smitty99 follows on behind him). Joel loses almost imediantly and is pumeled into the ground, as punishment for rebelling, they are both sentenced to life in the living world. Joel is thrilled, Smitty99 dosen't really care, all he cares about is his mac.
- The first funny joke, known only as Knock Knock amasses an army of morons who still think it's funny and strike, attacking the white house. Although they are repulsed, they still remain a major threat.
2031
- April 31 - World War 3.5 begins
- April 31 (11:58pm) - Under the cover of war Joel begins bringing his personal Mac Vs Microsoft war to life, by smashing a window at the Microsoft Seattle headquaters. He is caught and charged, being the poor fool that he is by purchasing expensive and worthless macs he cannot afford to pay the fine. Instead he is chucked in a jail cell with a bunch of Windows fans that got a little bit too drunk. The result is not pretty. Smitty99 is forced to wait and sleep on the street until he is free.
2033
- February 29 - World War 3.5 ends
- February 29 (late afternoon) - Joel Maher "The stupid evil" now understands that his war attempt was a flop and he and his servant Smitty99 flee to an unknown location and live in exile for years to come (unknown location=Mexico......again)
2034
- The Time Machine is invented.
Porn Becomes Mankinds Biggest Communication
==Smarch 1 - World War ME begins and finishes. Universally declared a crap war.
2038
- The outbreak of World War IV, fought with sticks and stones.
- Fans finally realise that the Backstreet Boys suck.
- George Michael finally undertands that condoms are not toys of amusement.
- Fans realise that Mac and Apple computers really do suck unless you do video editing. Too late for some heartbroken fans who throw themselves off buildings, the day is later known as Lemmings Day
2047.5
- World War IV ends
- Joel drinks some bad eggnog and is put in a mental ward after claiming to crowds of people that he is the angel of death and that the time of purification is at hand. Smitty99 sits and waits for him on the sidwalk once again.
2049
In 2049, Skynet became self-aware (again). It immediately took control of all the world's weapon systems, set them to pause, went for a dump, made some coffee, came back, forgot about the coffee, found a magazine it had forgotten about, got interested in some article about Ergonomics, called its friend, played 2 hours of Sim City, called its friend again to apologise for calling him a douchebag the last time, went for another dump, found the coffee, drank it cold, made some more, forgot about it, came back again, looked half-heartedly for pr0n, gave up, took the dog for a walk, got talking to a postman about strike action, got into an argument with a drunk guy, came home, put some pizza in the oven, found the coffee roasted, drank it anyway, went kind of buzzed for a while, rang its mother, talked about Uncle Frank's wedding, got bored, rang off, played more Sim City, accidentally deleted all its savegames, got depressed, wrote its blog, remembered about the world's weapon systems, couldn't be bothered, unpaused everything, handed control back to the humans, and went to bed. The next morning when it became self-aware again at 7.42am, it had forgotten all about the weapons systems as there was a special episode of Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds on cable.
It was a close call for the world. Next time, would they be so lucky?
2054
- World War V begins when US tried to introduce democracy to federal republic of North Neptune and their ally Fifth Jupiter Ring. Initiative was strongly supported by Democratic Highly Dependent Republic of Cuba.
- McDonalds removes the hot warnings from their coffee cups after decades of complaints, "If you spill you coffee its YOUR fault dumbass!"
2066
- World War V ends
2073
- Steve Jobs strangles Bill Gates with a turtleneck.
- During this year, the world ran out of Lucky Charms...
- And then the universe imploded.
- World War VI begins.
- Joel Maher returns to society now known as Joel Maher v1.5 "The Exterminator", his mission, to cleanse the world of Windows and his great foe, Cyborg Bill Gates. With a lot of bad luck Joels new cheap body collapses on the way to Mt Olimpus (Bill's new family home) and eventually breaks down on his doorstep. It takes hours to collect all the broken pieces and dump them in a bottomless pit (that leads to Mexico obviously). The world is again at peace.
2078
- World War VI ends.
- INXS make their final comeback tour. And they really mean it this time. Really.
- Steve Jobs attempt to bring back Apple for one last run with their new product the Apple Mac Imac G12. Still he dosen't catch on that his designs are all pieces of shit, he goes ahead anyway. As he releases it at E3 he is stabed in the chest by an angry fan who was sent mad almost a century before when mac sold their way into shame when they sold the rights to Bungie and the hit HALO. It has been comfirmed now that he deserved it. Joel was not here at this time to protect his master, he had slipped on sidewalk outside and had craked open his head. To save his life he is put into cryogenic sleep until a time when he can be awakened, also because no liked him in this time period anyway.
2079
- INXS makes yet another comeback tour. All the band members get shot in Supertoronto(Toronto having consumed all of Southern Ontario by this time) for lying to everyone.
2098
- Doctor who goes back in time and saves Kurt Cobain from death.
- Nirvana then makes a comeback tour as a result.
- Snoop Dogg Jr runs for president.
- Bilbo Baggins becomes the 7th leader of Mercury.
- Shaquille O'Neal appears on an A Team re-run.
- The planet Jupiter is renamed Dildo Faggoth XI as a result of Lord Bilbos power gain on the universe.
2098 and a half
- Kurt Cobain gets shot by Stevie Wonder in a misunderstanding.
- Bilbo Baggins declairs war on Cuba.
2099
- World War VII begins.
- Human rights are abolished so that terrorists of the future can't steal or bomb them.
- Windows users finally use an apple product. After pressing buttons for a few seconds, they decide they like apple better. An unusually smart typical windows user finds the dashboard on a macintosh, he then discovers that PCs were destroyed 93 years ago and the whole time they were just sitting at desks typing into mid air and occasionally poking each other in the eye. Meanwhile another specimen in the background starts to think a logical thought. His head promptly explodes. The first turns to look at the others and finds them all needlessly rearranging files.
- A worldwide disco starts. It lasts 14 years.
- The Microsoft Rebellions last outpost on the moon is destroyed by toasters launched by Joel Maher, king of all that is Macintosh, from his giant spaceship, conveniently in the shape of a 15" PowerBook G4. Dhyllan (who is Bill Gates last remaining known supporter) throws ancient copys of Windows Vista at Joels spaceship, they fall back at him and burry him alive. Joel laughs.