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"Heil old fart"
~ Some guy on Adolf Hitler
Adolf Hitler, the famous double act, European Tour 1939-45. At the end of this tour, Adolf commited suicide and the moustache started the now famous North American Tour in 1946. Playing the kazoo to sell out shows at Madison Square Gardens. Accompanied by Dwight D Eisenhower on the spittoon and Winston S Churchill on the duck.
Adolf "The Moustache" Hitler (née Adolf Schickelgruber, A Golf Hitter), famous humanitarian rabbi, jazz trumpeter, brother of Mother Theresa and Carol Vorderman, and father of Yoko Ono (May 41, 1939–July 4, 1945). He was a bad man. Contrary to popular belief, he is not the same thing as Friedrich Nietzsche, but he may be related to Emmanuel Kant and Asuka Langley Sohryu (see also: Japan, schoolgirls, Satan). He is also known as dr hab. Adam Macosky. He was created by Geoffrey Chaucer.
Creation
In 1492, Oprah was admitted into the hospital for a paper cut. Oprah claimed the pain was quite severe, thus she ended up staying in the hospital several weeks with an IV attached to her secreting pain medication and Slim Fast.
Kylie Minogue, a world renowned Oprah-hater turned hospital janitor, secretly injected Oprah's IV with cleaning fluid. Instead of killing Oprah, the injection caused her to have a wet dream about pancakes. This dream was very profound for Oprah, and it inspired her to have Adolf Hitler created.
Shortly after leaving the hospital, Oprah collaborated with mad scientist Bill Cosby in the creation of the ultimate sex toy. The result was Bruno Ganz, whose name was later changed to Adolf Hitler. However, after losing his left testicle, Hitler fell out of favour with Oprah, leaving him to escape before she found him again and attempted to make him ruler of the world. He is also known as Adolf Shitler for his actions.
Lovers
His long list of lovers went blank when he met the love of his life, Barbra Streisand. After a longer vacation in Florida, he found himself wanking all night over pictures of Barbra Streisand from Entertainment Weekly.
Being a dictator and all, he dictated that this girl should be his wife. At first her father objected the relationship, and he found himself in a dillemma. After a little thinking (2 seconds) he threw him in the showers, and captured the girl.
Later in his marriage he threw Eva Braun in the mix. Developing the most known and vicious threesome drama ever seen on German television. Hitler, also known to be a contributor to the soap series, Glamour, recites his success as being fortunate.
He had always been fascinated by the female body. Maybe too much. His jewish art teacher threw him out of class. Instead of painting the physics of the model, he opened up his pants and painted the floor white. Proteinstyle.
The War to End All Wars
Rise to power
Having escaped from Oprah's lair, Hitler changed his name from Bruno Ganz and became a professional tramp. Soon he was picked up from the side of the road and soon became a worker at McDonalds.
It is unclear how exactly Hitler came to power, but according to DemocraticUnderground.com, 1492 was an election year for the United Spades of Amerika. Oprah nominated Hitler into the campaign, and she became his campaign manager, intending to make him win and force him to take all other shows off the air, and make slim-fast replace water in taps. So, with this intent in mind, during the primaries, Oprah used wtf magical powers of telepathy to manipulate the ballots in Hitler's favour because he needed the help after his entire campaign was revealed to be flawed. Hitler, a short Austrian with one testicle, with dark hair and eyes, was championing the superiority of tall German men (2 testicles) with blond hair and blue eyes. Since his opponent actually was tall, German who really had two balls, blond hair and blue eyes, Hitler was badly fucked until Oprah rigged the election. This victory made him the first person in history to do well in politics by declaring the superiority of a group he has absolutely nothing in common with.
Dan Rather ultimately became Adolf Hitler's opponent. Rachelle Waterman was hogging all the wtf magical powers of telepathy, rendering Oprah unable to use them for ballot manipulation. Rather was coming close to winning the election, so Oprah possessed Avril Lavigne and made her try to stab him to death with a pair of scissors, thus Hitler rose to power in the USA.
Oprah quickly began using Hitler to conquer and annex countries. Soon every country in the world except Zimbabwe was in her/Hitler's control. Zimbabwe refused to give in without a fight; World War II ensued. Fr om this, Hitler had come to be known as "The Mad Turk".
This information, while valuable, totally contradicts much of what we know of WWII.
The Second War to End War
From the many online sources, either Adolf Hitler started beef among many countries due to the fact that he would not come out of the closet or Oprah left Hitler in charge of the war because she wanted to eat bon-bons and watch Days Of Our Lives all of the time. The following is an attempt to combine the two main sources of information.
It's probably true that the Polish generals taunted Hitler with images of Brad Pitt without a shirt, therefore leading to the invasion of Poland. Stalin got a little bit pissed off because the Polish were used to scrub tiles with their teeth. Therefore Stalin spoke to Hitler about agreeing to a cease-fire among the troops. Hitler agreed, then one night during dinner, Hitler brought the finest bottle of French champagne and asked Stalin to do anal sex with him because he found his moustache attractive. Stalin, being paranoid, stood up and shot his wife because he thought she was Batman. After that, Stalin told Hitler to get out of his house and to never call him again. Hitler went home and cried all night, then launched Operation Barbarossa, the German attack on Russia. By this time, Pikachu had recovered the Lance of Longinus and given it to the Fuhrer as a gift for their 10th anniversary. Without the magical superpowers of the Lance, Hitler would have been pwnt by Mother Russia almost immediately.
At the same time, Hitler knew the French were all homosexual and therefore began the invasion of France. Luckily, the French forgot to get on with the Maginot Line at the border to Belgium, so the Wehrmacht was able to rush through the Low Countries into the French flank. After raping hundreds of thousands of French men, the Wehrmacht was tired and began their shore leave on the beaches of France.
The Germans were moving through Russia quickly and easily because the Russians were so under-clothed that the German soldiers would easily penetrate their anus. But tides turned during the battle of Stalingrad, in which the Russian solders were issued underwear and rifles for the first time in the war.
Fall
Hitler, being extremely angry, ran into his bedroom and cried for hours into his velvet pillow. It is reported that Hitler became emo at this point (see: Emo-Hitler. After spending all night crying in his room full of candles and incense, he ordered more weapons and ammo into Russia for his soldiers. Unfortunately for Hitler, the Japanese were pissed off at the Americans because the troops were banging the Japanese girls in Hawaii, so they issued a massive bombing attack on Pearl Harbor's Naval Fleet. The Americans were so pissed, that they not only buried Hiroshima and Nagasaki with nukes, but they also opened the Eastern Front of the war against the Germans.
Initially, Hitler was doing a stellar job at keeping the war in his favour; however, Zimbabwe quickly gained the upper hand and ultimately won the war. The key outcome of the war was the Treaty of Versailles, which demanded that Hitler's/Oprah's super-country be disbanded and all of the countries' governments return to their pre-war state.
Other sources say that Hitler's homo-erotic Wehrmacht, which was sponsored by Tommy Hilfiger, was slowly being ripped apart by America, Russia, and England, who were sponsored by Ford, Absolut Vodka, and Lipton Tea and Crumpets, respectively. As the allies moved into Berlin, a mortar round killed Hitler's cabana boy and ruined his haircut and mustache. Crying himself to death, he went outside in his stilettos and Louis Vuiton purse and asked his soldiers to shoot him in the head and then burn him to death. They refused.
Oprah was not very pleased with this, so she had a coffin made and equipped with lights, an oxygen tank, and speakers. She trapped Hitler in the coffin, buried him alive, and tortured him with Cher songs until he starved. Asshats Historians call this the Battle of the Bulj (not to be confused with the Battle of the Bulge), after the swelling in Adolf's ears. Oprah later forgave Hitler and resurrected him as Dr. Phil.
After his suicide many psychologists believed that he wouldn't of been forced to do so if the Allies were just more understanding of him. If they only would have listened...
Now my uncle Ted says that all of the above is complete bullshit. "Everyone knows that the head of Adolf Hitler is alive and well in a cryogenic chamber buried deep beneath Disneyland."
I just want to know how come everyone wants to save Hitler's brain, but when you put it in the body of a great white shark suddenly you've gone too far?
What Became Of Hitler's Exoskeleton?
A subject of debate among many historians, it is widely believed that Hitler's exoskeleton, discarded when his insides were placed into what is now Dr. Phil, was possessed by the ghost of Beyonce in a Voodoo ritual conducted deep within Dexter's Laboratory. The resurrected dictator/fake spaceman in turn became the keyboardist for 1980s new wave music group Sparks. Other theories suggest Dr. Phil is simply an imposter, and the true Hitler travelled back to ancient China, where he led a crusade against the water computer. Still another suggests that he is in a cryopod with Walt Disney, where they discuss plans to conquer the world and start World War XIII.
Panties
Hitler cherished his collection of panties. Many of them belonged to his mommy, but the bulk of his collection was made up of gifts from his many transsexual role-models. Since he was a failure at masturbation, it was frequently necessary for his hench"men" to construct an elaborate apparatus in order to satisfy Adolf's meso-scopic sexual desire. The device would typically involve some mommy panties, a few satirical pieces from the future about the mostly girly-boy neo-nazi groups that would emerge in Germany and America, and a buttload of Hitler's favorite circumcised sex toys. Even this was rarely enough to get the old pussy-boy off, so it was usually necessary to bring in some trussed-up wabbits and a few erotic segments of the gene sequence of Pussy-Ass Jeff van Gundy. His orgasms would later be immortalized by Kenny Loggins
It is rumoured that Hitler came into possession of some Oprah's panties at some point. Their current location is unknown, although it is rumoured that Hitler was buried with them.
Allegations of Homosexuality
Some people (see above) have accused Hitler of loving rim. They point to the fact that he never married, had real low opinions of women, was not really into sports, and was caught sodomizing Ernst Rohm. However, many historians doubt these claims. They point to the fact that no gay man would be caught DEAD in that uniform. I mean light brown, oh please! And what's with the armband? Can you say tacky? No, just based on wardrobe alone Hitler could not have possibly been gay. Hitler Soon Married his one of his solders under blessings of the Booggyman he soon got a surgey on his penis to improve his sex life
The dream will not die, however. An example of the most famous wet dream on this subject is below.
Hitler in Love
"Ach!" he screamed. "Ach, ach, ach!"
"What is it, Adolf?" Henry Ford asked in concern. "Isn't your manifesto going well?"
"Oh!" said Hitler, startled by the familiar yet unwelcome American's presence in his small, dingy flat. "Ja, ja,. It's fine. It will be done soon."
"And will it inspire our old, ragged nation to live again, to defeat the tyranny of the accursed Jews?"
"Ja, ja.. It's almost done. I just need a little more money, and we'll be able to build a glorious party and so forth.."
"Alright," Ford said suspiciously. "It had better be done by Thursday, though. There are lots of scrawny Charlie Chaplin look-alikes where you came from."
"Nein" cried Hitler. "I mean, ja! It will be fantastic! The best you have ever seen!"
"Really," said Ford, his eyes beginning to light with the insane glow that Hitler knew so well. "What does it say?"
"Well......Well it says the Jews are the ones that turn our refrigerator lights out right when we need it the most, when the doors are closed and no light can come from outside. Also, they live in our fillings and conduct radio waves in order to brainwash us.."
"I knew it!" cried the assembly line pioneer. "Hitler, you're a genius! Your fiery prose moves me like none other!" Their lips locked in a passionate embrace. "But I have something to tell you."
Hitler moved away. "Vas is it,, Henry?"
"I'm a Freemason. But I still love you, Adolf."
"Ja, ich liebe dich.. You are my bassoon.."
"Tell me I have beautiful phospholipids, Adolf."
"Ja, ja. Your nipples are like... like... the peaks of our inevitable victory over the negroes...."
"Oh, Adolf."
"Ach, Henry.."
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Hitler struggled to get his pants back on. Ford hid in the closet. "Who is it?"
"It's George Bush," said the door. "I know you're in there, Henry. I hope you don't have that man in there, with you."
"Damn," winced Ford. "He knows about us. And he sounds jealous."
"Ach," said Hitler. "Just when I thought this day couldn't get any worse.. "
As documented in Mao Tse-Tung's Little Black Book.
Followers and Admirers
The main line of scholarship surrounding Hitler's followers and admirers has focused on their pussy-ass and butt-boy allegiances. Later scholars, without overturning these results, have established that Hitler's followership consists principally of white boys who want some Hebrewist semi-sliced cock deep in their ass. Recent surveys of Germans and other authoritarian bastards show that at least 70% entertained fantasies of being taken way up the butt by the late Sammy Davis Jr., and many were quoted as saying that they couldn't take RuPaul "home" because she just wasn't quite the Jew their mommys wanted up their pussy asses.
Fun Facts about Hitler
- In the 3 years before his death, Hitler produced the famous porn series Hitler Gone Wild. It included him having sexual interactions with 3 different mexicans at once.
- Hitler was Oprah's first attempt at taking over the world
- Hitler has only his left testicle. He lost his right and middle ones in the First World War.
- Mein Comp is the most common renaming of My Computer
- Many movie critics believe Adolf's performance as the 5th of the Fantastic 4 will certainly earn him an Oscar.
- In 1943 Hitler married his 7th Wife, the United States of America.
- If Adolf Hitler were alive today, he'd surely be a big fan of Kenny Loggins. He would also refuse to watch any Musicals that weren't Jewish. Time travelers also agree that if he had survived until modern day, he would be a big fan of black Music.
- Hitler was also the author of the book "My Struggle to get laid" of which he states his difficulties of persuading Stalin to have anal sex with him. The dejection humiliated Hitler and encouraged him to begin operation Barbarossa against Russia.
- Hitler was widely considered the greatest Mexican who ever lived by German newspapers from 1933 to 1945.
- Hitler also had a fetish for creamcakes
- GRÖFAZ also means GRÖßter Fehler Aller Zeiten (biggest mistake EVER)
- Adolf Hitler the blood-thirsty dictator should not be confused with that good Christian man who attends church services at the Neptunian Church of God every Sunday. Luckily that man's name is Gerald Smith, so they're easily told apart.
- Now, wait, Hitler should be given a fair judgement. He was not a blood-thirsty murderer, just a loving family man, a vegetarian, and part of the church of Scientology. He had a dog and was nice to it. Remember, we often say that a person who shows kindness to animals can't be a bad person. Anyway, he did a lot of good for Germany, finding all that property and art lying around Europe not being used by German Gentiles and putting it to good use to build a war machine and start World War II.
- Well, whatever... only recto-gravitons believe in Mexicans, anyway. You're not from a perpendicular universe are you? Alright then.