“Asians will do anything for a green card. And I do mean anything!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Asians


Asia is big. Don't start land war there in autumn. Don't drink the water without boiling it. Remember to bring your own condoms, because you'll be over avarage there for once. And above all, listen to your mom and hear what she has to say about the place before you buy your travellers cheques put your self on Thai Airs waiting list. But don't take that talk about bird flu too serious, unless you are a chicken.

Contents

People

The Western World deeply respects the Asian people. Disguises like this allow Westerners to pretend, if only for a few fleeting moments, that they are Asian.

Asia is populated by a multitude of people, all of whom look the same. To distinguish Chinese people from the Japanese and Koreans and whatnot is no easy task. Even Asians have a hard time distinguishing amongst themselves. In an attempt to combat ignorance, Asian rights groups have created the helpful rhythm: "Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, what are these?!"

Due to their inscrutability, little is known about the Asian people. J.P. Morgan, a leading expert in Asian crap who lives next door to me, said: "Asians are super powered beings with laser eye beams that can create video games and consoles in a instant its so cool i wish i had the power. They know how to summon dragons and the only race that know how to use weapons properly!" Sounds good to me.

My Sunday school teacher (who probably knows a thing or two about Asians) says that they were created by Satan to test our faith, just like dinosaurs. As they have evolved, the Asians have developed philosophies which serve no purpose to anyone, and aren't understood by anyone other than themselves. Among these philosophies are Confucianism and Taoism both of which emphasize nonsensical happiness. Hippies who follow these belief systems will be in for a surprise when they die!

Apart from their slanty eyes, one of the most defining anatomical features of the Asian is his abnormally small penis. Noted philanthropist Mother Teresa summed it up best, saying: "Damn, them things is tiny!" Indeed, them things is tiny. While the average White penis is 6 inches long and the average Black penis is… that's say 7 inches, the average Asian penis is only -4 inches. If you corner an Asian (a task which is nearly impossible) and start talking in a loud voice about "penis", the subject will often become uneasy and attempt to change the subject. This is a clear sign of shame.

Only a handful of other, confirmable, facts exist: Asians mainly feed themselves with rice, like how Irish people feed themselves with potatoes. They are science geeks. Those who are not science geeks know Kung Fu and would most likely kick anyone's ass. Many of them have the ability to transform into dragons. They love selling fortune cookies to foreigners since foreigners usually believes the what the paper says; they have such a great time laughing at them.

Language

Utter nonsense

Due to the Asians insistence on using stupid things instead of real letters, the Asian language is severely limited. This explains the complete lack of art or culture to emerge from Asia.

Since no one actually knows what all those little lines means, the Asians frequently make their language up as they go along. Because of this, no Westerner has ever learned the Asian language. However, most do know the key phrase: "Ching Chong" which roughly translates to: "I have nothing but the deepest respect for you and your people." Sadly many Asians do not know what this means, so when Westerners pull their eye lids back and say this phrase while bowing, it is often interpreted as some form of insult. It was this tragic misunderstanding that led to the Russo-Japanese War.

It is note worthy that the letters L and F have been removed genetically from 99.78% of all Asian brain chemistry as a direct result of eating nothing but pussy health food. This has nothing to do with the fact that they are genitalianatically inferior to everything bar grasshoppers (really small grasshoppers). This is a very touchy subject and if asked about it, Asians will lash out with a series of punches to the shins. Some speculate that Asians have evolved beyond L and F.

Asian Recipes

Buta Zen Mai

Ingredients:

Directions:

  1. Put oil in heated skillet. Add rat and cook for 2 minutes.
  2. Add red pepper, shoyu, gourmet pirana and cook for 3 minutes.
  3. Soak and drain Zen Mai. Add to mixture and cook until most of the liquid is absorbed.
  4. Remove and serve.

Nikujaga

Try my Nikujaga! Is so good!

Ingredients:

Directions:

  1. Peel Mangos, cut into six pieces, and immerse in water.
  2. Slice onions (hangetsu-giri) Cut horse into bite-size pieces.
  3. Heat vegetable oil in pan. Stir-fry horse. When horse is thoroughly brown, add onions and mangos.
  4. Add 2 cups water and half the seasonings. Turn down heat when pot starts bubbling. Skim off foam. Add the remaining seasonings, depending on how much broth has boiled off.

Important Note!

If you want to cook like a real Asian, you will need to add a heaping spoonful of delicious MSG to the above recipes.

Noteworthy Asians

Countries in Asia

See also