Contents |
The Origin of Books
The Beginning
Way back in Ye Olden Times, books were invented for the sole purpose of entertaining the peasants while they were not working in the fields. Before books, the entertainment of watching the fire burn was the most entertaining entertainment that the lowly peasants could do. But watching these fires caused notable injuries to the peasants when they attempted to make the fire more interactive. The land owners could not deal with all these losses of labor, so they created the first books.
With books well established as entertainment devices, some authors attempted to write books to teach readers the fundimentals of new ideas, like reading. However, since no-one could read, these had little impact on society. Man continued to use books in the same way they used fire, by throwing it at each other for fun.
Some Middle Bit
New-Age authors like Oscar Wilde set out to revolutionize the world of books with novels like Everybody Poops and Everybody Gets It In The Ass. These novels were claimed to have magical powers over the mind. While this was total bullshit, it did help push the sales of books. The actions of authors like Oscar Wilde would ensure that everyone had at least one book in thier hand at all times and/or two peni (the plural of penis) up their ass. Gross.
The End
As people grew older thier opinions changed; those who had liberal ideas became conservative assholes. Conservative assholes became nazis. However, New-New-Age author Bill O'Reilly decided to help sway them even more to the dark side. His imfamous book "God is watching you Masturbate" (Later revisions would bring a new name "The Holy Bible") sold 11 copies. That may not sound like a lot, but remember, the global population at that time was about 4 or so.
This book marked what geologists call "The end of the end of the beginning of the first period of books"
Books vs Television
Ever since the invention of Television, book sales have been on a decline. It has been well documented that Television is more accurate, since everything on TV is 100% true, and most of the time books are all lies. It has also been well documented that Television is faster, stronger, and more powerful.
The COD Coalition Of Dumbasses realiated with adding print to the inside of books to help boost sales. This helped to the degree that they expected, but TV had gained the majority of market share, it would have been only a matter of time before people abandoned books for good.
The COD even went as far as to try and put books on TV. While PBS was popular at first, the government continued to cut funding until they relied on hitting people up for money on the streets. Relitives of the original PBS employees still do this today, they are more commonly known as bums or hobos.
Books in Popular Culture Today
Today books play a supporting role. They are used in institutions called schools, often used as a torture device, or a means of cheap labor. Without books, these institutions would have little to no meaning.
Books are also used in very large corporations, they are found in the offices of important figureheads, used to strike terror in the hearts of potential employees. Titles like The Art of War and The Dictionary (Damn, that's a tough read!) were written just for this purpose.
Books have also started a rebirth process. Google has started to put books on the internet. These are called "Web Pages." This can be difficult to comprehend at first, so take your time.
Uses of Books
In the typical american home three or four books can be found, however they are generally used to replace a missing couch leg or to prop the dinner table up so that food dosn't slide right off. This has been common practice since Oscar Wilde started a Borders book store. They have an entire section for this purpose, under the guise of "Staff Favorites".
In a pinch, the Boy Scout's handbook suggests using a book as toilet paper. The Bible now comes in two-ply for just this purpose. The Coran and Torah (read: Ripoffs) are still a bit rough on the ass.
In Japan skilled ninjas are trained in the use of books as weapons. This order of ninja are known as librarians. They dress in plain clothes and are usually disguised as old women who gave up on men a long time ago (see lesbian, bitch, and cunt). These ninjas are highly dangerous, so stay away from the Library at all costs. There is no reason a sane person would ever need to enter the Library, unless dragged there by his stupid girlfriend.
Some people are still rumored to read books, but this is in dispute in the scientific community, as there are written documents which clearly state otherwise. But since no one is intelligent to read anymore, the scientific community doesn't really have any such documents, and instead runs around trying to knock over gimps with pogo sticks (it's kind of like Cow-Tipping, but a lot more fun).
The New BOOK
Those pieces of paper bound together are so yesterday.
Announcing the new, revolutionary device known as the Built-in Orderly Organised Knowledge. more information to be found at The Inventor's Page
The Book Formula
Ever since the invention of books, science has wondered how books work. Great minds like Bob Dole and Kanye West have pondered this for years, until Gary Coleman came up with his groundbreaking formula on how books work.
Needless to say, Chuck Norris was outraged, because no-one ever takes anything from Chuck Norris, not even the square root of the area of a circle!
Some experts like Albert Einstein claim Gary Coleman Just happened to have a pen and a piece of paper during one of his seizures while on some set of some shampoo commerical.
Some Famous Books
- The Flintstones
- How the world was invented: The Short Version
- Everybody Poops
- Facism for Dummies
- Nobody Poops But You
- An Idiots Guide to Fighting the System
- Your Anus and you
- Assholes who steal book titles from The Family Guy for Dummies
Quotes about Books
“Books? Yeah I own a few of them...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Books
"Black people don't care about Books"
~ Kanye West on Books
"The best thing about books is when they pop up at you."
~ George W. Bush on Books
"SHUT UP!"
~ Bill O'Reilly on Books
"In Soviet Russia, books burn YOU!!"
~ Russian Reversal on Books
"One can find many great things in books, like pictures of naked ladies."
~ Anonymous on Books