"I am Frodo of Borg. Your individuality will be assimilated in the fires of Mount Doom. You will be ringwraithed. Resistance is futile." - Elijah Wood
Björn Borg - the famous Swedish tennis player. He assimilated the Wimbledon cup many times.
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"Borg will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. We are Microsoft."

~ The Borg on Borg

"I bet they never tried to assimilate my round house kick to the face"

~ Chuck Norris on Borg

“We Invented the evil robot thing, and the Borg ripped us off dammit.”

— The Cybermen on The Borg

The Borg are a cybernetic race from the 24th Century and the only decent villains on "Star Trek: The Next Generation", since the Klingons turned into wusses and sided with the Federation.

Borg is also a name for abnormally successful tennis players.

Contents

Who are the Borg?

The Borg are a race of cyborgs who use incredibly advanced technology to "assimilate" others into their collective so as to make themselves more perfect. They move from planet to planet, incorporating the inhabitants and their technology into the Borg collective and stripping planets of all resources. Although repeated assertions have been made that they bear an uncanny resemblance to Microsoft, any such comparison is angrily rejected by the Borg. Incorporation into the Borg turns a person into a robotic being, a rigid, soulless automaton devoid of character, individuality, or emotion, rather like Keanu Reeves. Despite being so advanced, whenever the Borg walk they stagger around in a stiff and clumsy fashion, like Al Gore after six beers.


Borgification

The process of being assimilated is called Borgification. The Borg remove useless parts of the organic being(such as that little thingy that hangs down in the back of your throat) and the body is upgraded with the installation of cybernetic components, for instance, microchips, fiber optics, lithium power cells, lasers, lots and lots of wires and cables and hoses, inkjet printers, servo motors, and toasters. During the process the individual is forced to listen to that Celine Dion song from "Titanic" for three days straight to break down any remaining traces of soul or consciousness. The resulting Borgified human is a soulless drone without any individuality, a mere cog in a vast, unfeeling machine of destruction. On the plus side, you now have the ability to store up to 200 hours of music on your built-in 30 GB hard drive.

Species of The Collective

Mister Whiskers of Borg. Does the evil of the Borg know no bounds?

Thousands of species from millions of worlds contribute to the Borg collective, including humans, Romulans, Cardassians, Ferengi and Vulcans. However, not all Borg member species are humanoid. Among the non-humanoid Borg are the cute little kitten pictured here. Borg vessels may also include borgified pets such as goldfish, parrots and turtles, or livestock such as cows and llamas. After all, there's no particular reason the species you assimilate has to be intelligent if you're just going to subsume it into a hive-mind anyway. The lack of prehensile appendages can quickly be fixed by attaching a spare human arm or two. However, the problem with assimilating too many species without opposable thumbs is that unless you've got a lot of extra human appendages laying around, the collective quickly ends up short-handed.

Enemies of the Borg

Enemies of the Borg consist of pretty much anybody who isn't Borg. In no particular order:

Fighting the Borg

The Borg are virtually unstoppable killing machines. However, here are a few tips to help survive a Borg attack.


History

Borg started their career performing in low-class Sundsvall pubs in exchange for beer. Sideshow's real parents died in 1982 and for some reason bequeathed Sideshow with a music studio in nearby France. The band then decided on a name (Borg) and cut their first demo tape. The instruments were shoddily played, and the music was crap. Borg sent their demo tape to all the major, minor, and produced-out-of-basement labels.

Somehow, their demo tape landed in the hands of Kevin Smith, a visionary filmmaker whose first project was 1984's Footloose, an epic story of love and heartbreak in the Caribbean starring Ross Gellar. Kevin was intrigued by the raw, emotionless music and decided to include Borg on the movie's soundtrack. Following the release of Footloose, Borg skyrocketed to popularity and got their first top-40 hit with "I wanna be assimilated".

The following year, Borg produced their first album, the inimitable First Contact. The tone and style of their new album was much more mainstream and accessible. The album soon went triple diamond. Following the release of the album, in 1985, "Resistance is Futile (give me all your love)" hit #1 and stayed there for all 52 weeks. America, Europe, and the world was in love with Borg.

Unbeknownst to Borg, an alien of blood curdling terror was watching them from its imperial starcruiser of force. The alien chose to infest the minds of Borg and turn their bodies into evil, morphing, visceriods. The visceroids then mega-morphed into the current Borg with the help of John Kerry, the ent. The Borg is currently planting mind seeds into USA's high council. The Borg has been seen on vacation sailing its 38 ft schooner on lake michigan.

Borgisms

According to , a borgism is an ancient proverb that follows the format of "I am (celebrity) of Borg, you will be ________":

Not to be confused with a Morissetteism, which is a failed attempt at irony.

See Also

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