“Scurvy”
~ Oscar Wilde on British
British \Bri"tish\, a. Variant of brutish.
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Diet
It is a well known fact that the British will eat anything which has been boiled. This includes sausages, sheep innards, crumpets (but only if they're in bulk), SPAM™, pudding, beer, fish, chips, and Puerto Ricans. The Queen will eat your brains (boiled of course) if you vandalize this again. The main source of dietry consumption though seems to be tea and scones(and crumpets).
Social Structure
The British have an elaborate social structure in which a number of all female 'workers' maintain their country under the rule of the Queen. The appearance of two sexes has been created for the purpose of entertaining each other and to maintain the fashion industry, and to draw attention away from their violent disposition.
Female workers are broken into three separate types; "workers", "care-takers", and "warriors" (see amazons). Though differing somewhat throughout the species, the hive structure remains relatively the same throughout the world.
Population Distribution
British no longer inhabit Britain, as they all emigrated to such cultural bastions as Los Angeles, Melbourne and Hell. These cities have vibrant British communities, each with their own "Londontown" district in which traditional cuisine is served, football hooliganism is practised, the weather is complained about and ale is quaffed. Britain was taken over in the 80s by a new people called chavs coming from a former colony, Manchestershire.
Mathematics
All forms of English measurement have no bearing on one another. One could specify a peck in a pint in a bushel on a cornhenbollocksshirewall yard. This elaborate system was largley used around the country to trick simpletons into paying too much for too little, at a time when most of the population was innumerate in the first place. The English system of measurement was given to the United States in hopes that it would defeat them by their own inability to count, but the Americans had since mastered the complexity and rules of English measurement, and use it to to this day. Though the British currently use the metric system, they often long for the units of measurement that were once passed on to other British colonies. Note that all but one of those colonies have failed miserably, Australia is still going strong to this day.
Language
The British language is spoken in Britain and British Columbia. It is written and spoken by taking the English language and putting back the 'u's and 'l's that the Americans took away all over the place. For example, "colour" translates into "color" and "travelled" translates as "traveled". British speakers also have a really cool accent, but they are known to beat Americans to death(or at least try to) for no good reason other than they keep being late to save their ass in wars. The British people are also widely known for brutally attacking Americans, spamming American websites on the American internet using American computers, and vandalizing web pages for reasons which couldn't possibly involve rampant jealousy.
Human-British Communication
You may have heard a Brit talking once or twice, and mistook it for a vulture with a lung impalement or a walrus during mating season. You may find yourself at a party when a Brit enters the room - someone naively asks 'who farted?' and you, embarrassingly, are the last to say 'not me'.
A European's presence can be detected within a quarter-mile radius, and things will only get worse if one attempts to communicate with you. When approached by a Brit, do not panic. Keep your distance. It will come dangerously close to you while squawking in its language, and 9 out of 10 people pass out at this point, causing more awkwardness and a possible international incident as Britain accuses you of warmongering. Bear in mind that these people come a far-away land where time stopped in the year 1700. Their language has only recently emerged from the Shakespearean era. Avoid contact and you may lower the risk of disaster.
If the oncoming Brit is female, you are in serious danger. Now you can panic. Take cover in the nearest store where she can't get near you and find a pair of ear-plugs, ear-muffs, and a nose-clip. Even this may not suffice as the sound of the female's voice can pierce 6 feet of solid lead. Despite these precautions, you may still hear it shouting "WHAh een tha BLAADY 'ELL yoo rannine fram?!" as she violently tries to penetrate the barrier around the store. Good luck and godspeed if you ever have the misfortune of an encounter with this species.