“Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Captain Archer led an elite group of scientists into the desert to develop a top secret project, known as QUANTUM LEAP.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Captain Archer

Captain Archer, nicknamed The McDonalds Arch, was the man who designed the McDonalds Arch. Many know him to be the man who developed the McDonalds Arch, but he likes to consider himself the creator of the McDonalds Arch.

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Birth

Archer, then named Sperm Clone Project 69-Beta, was to be a clone of Captain Janeway. A mishap in taking genetic samples of Captain Kirk and Captain Janeway formed Captain Archer. Kirk had the following to say:

My genetic sample mixed with Janeway's? I have definitely gone where no man has gone before.

Janeway, under the advisement of a drunk Tuvok, named Project 69-Beta - Captain Archer. Tuvok was eating an Arch Deluxe from MacDonalds at the time of birth, playing catch with a tomato piece as Archer was being born. Picking up the piece after birth, Tuvok discovered a new food item. (See: Vaginal Tomato Sandwich)

Childhood

Archer had a very commanding attitude, especially in his childhood:

What the hell man?! Give me your lunch money! - Captain Archer in kindergarden to his teacher.
You call this a grilled cheese sandwich?! I should grill your face, I'm sure it would look better than it does now! - Captain Archer in grade 3 to the student cafeteria server.
A minus?! A minus?! I constructed a real working trans-dimensional high-powered nuclear generator for nothing?! I'm selling this to MGM! - Captain Archer during a science fair in Grade 8 on his so-called 'Naquadah Generator'.
I did it! - Captain Archer on successfully using a toilet in grade 10.
I did it, and I feel good! - Captain Archer after spending half an hour in his bathroom 2 weeks later.
I did it, and I feel even better! - Captain Archer after spending time in his bathroom reading a Playboy.
Hey girls, check out this tricked-out ride! - Captain Archer on spending $100,000 on a Ferrari in grade 11.
I need another extension on my mortgage. - Captain Archer 1 month later

Adulthood

Archer was 22 years-old with a Ferrari, living in his parent's basement with an addiction on licking stamps. He needed money, fast.

Going downtown in his hometown, he went to the local Pimp college. For 3 months, he walked the streets as a Pimp, earning enough money to pay off his Ferrari and paying back his stamp debts. He even had enough money to start eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

He was eventually caught by police and brought in. The charge: pimping without a certified license. He was found guilty and placed in jail for 10 days.

During his time in the slammer, he was eventually granted the use of a television, in which he saw a commercial for MacDonalds. He then thought of an idea, that would eventually become his running motto:

Why use two arches when you can have one?!

When he was released, he submitted the idea to MacDonalds. The secretary kicked him out as she was too busy with a phone sex chat to worry about an arch. Archer, mad, threw a rock at the CEO's window and threw a model of his arch in. Looking at the damage, the CEO looked at the glass shards. They spelt out: 'McDonalds' with the arch beside it. Hence forth, MacDonalds changed to McDonalds and the McDonalds Arch became the signature trademark of the company. However, Archer got no support, so he sued. McDonalds, at the time, was going through 47 trials at the time and wanted to get the case over with the fastest. Archer lost $500,000, his Ferrari and could've even afford to live in his parent's basement.

The Enterprise Incident

Out on the street, Archer passed by his local Kentucky Fried Chicken to dig the garbage for some old or used food. Beside the bin was a man sitting at a cardboard box with an old clipboard. The man's name: Brannon Braga.

Braga offered Archer the following: A TV series where he would be the Captain. Archer gave his name, in which Braga laughed, but gave him the job anyways. They shared a fresh bucket of refried chicken and went to Paramount studios to start production.

What the Deuce?

Captain Archer's name had been switched to Scott Bakula who in which played the character of Captain Archer. Despite the confusion, Archer/Bakula/Archer went on to continue his work as a new actor. Filming the first episode of Enterprise, Broken Car, Part 1, Archer/Bakula/Archer earned $1.56 Canadian and blew it on a $1 lottery ticket.

1 liberty bell, 2 liberty bells.....aww....I mean, WAHOO! I WIN!

Archer/Bakula/Archer cheated 7-11 out of $50 million US and left his acting job, baught back a new Ferrari, and baught a new house. (Archer/Bakula/Archer was replaced with The Real Captain Archer on Enterprise.)

Pimpin' round the world

Currently, Archer has returned his name to Captain Archer, only eats Kentucky Fried Chicken, got a valid Pimp license and earns $1,000,000 a year.

Also, McDonalds has finally recognized him for his efforts. They gave him a complementary ham and $10.

See Also