“Children are highly illogical!”
~ Spock on Child Psychology
“I was born with a silver foot in my mouth.”
~ George W. Bush on Child Psychology
“Child Psychology worked for me, the rest of you are just batshit insane!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Child Psychology
Contents |
History
Many adults cannot stand children or figure out why they act the way they do. There is a special branch of Psychology that deals with children, called Child Psychology. It basically says that children are insane by adult standards and will annoy the hell out of you if you give them too much control.
The Stages of Child Development
Babies/Infancy/One Year Olds
Basically all they can do is cry, wet and soil their diapers, and hope that some responsible adult can take care of them. This is much like what senior citizens act like anyway. They need help getting food and drink, and cannot walk on their own. Selfish, narcissistic, needy, and Batshit Insane, they annoy you until you actually do something for them. This is called manipulation. It is very simple, they cry, you figure out what is wrong, and then you do things for them. Some say the child will grow out of this, but in truth it happens in later phases as well of child development.
Terrible Twos/Threes
This phase is more popular in culture. Often adults assume that children will grow out of this phase. Do not be fooled, they do not grow out of this phase but instead get smarter and learn more manipulation skills. They learn how to hold their breath, fall to the floor and throw a temper tantrum, throw things, hit other children, refuse to eat food, etc. All so that you can give into them, and they get the toy, food, drink, etc they wanted in the first place.
Four to Eleven
The growth stage. They learn more manipulation skills here, like yelling, talking back at you, writing on walls with magic markers, flushing toys down the toilet, using swear words they learned from you, etc. Some play video games or learn how to use the Internet so beware. All of this to annoy you so you will give into their demands.
Twelve and Teenage years
They are quickly trying to become an adult here. They learn even more manipulation skills, like locking themselves into their room, getting a tattoo, getting a piercing, not following your religion anymore, staying out late with friends, having sex with members of the opposite sex, having sex with members of the same sex, getting drunk, doing illicit drugs, vandalizing wiki sites like Uncyclopedia with vanity pages, not doing homework, dropping out of school, playing music you don't like really loud, etc. All so that they can get what they want. All they have to do is annoy you. When, when, did you lose control of them? The answer is simple, when they were a baby and you first started to give into their manipulation skills and gave them what they wanted.
Early Adulthood age 18-39
Now not only do they have better manipulation skills, but now they are an adult like you. They mooch off of you and live in your basement, and don't have a job of their own. Yet they post on Livejournal, and have Myspace web pages and use your computer, electricity, food, drink, car, etc for free. Most become liberals, but few grow up a bit and become conservatives like Michael J. Fox. Now all of a sudden they need money for college. Yippie, you think, I'll be rid of the child for four years. Wrong! They will still visit when they need more money, or need to do laundry, or get into trouble. Ok, now they graduated, we'll surely be rid of the child now. Wrong again! He/She is not even looking for a job, and is still mooching off of you. You can try nagging, but you might as well be trying to talk to a brick wall. Your only hope is to hook them up with someone and hope they get married and run off and live somewhere else, like far far away. Wrong! Not only do they get married, but now the spouse lives with you as well. You will notice that not only do they think they know everything now, but they also think that they are invincible, and anyone who disagrees with them is an idiot. Most likely they are agnostic or atheist, with a left-wing bias, and often write in Wiki sites their opinions, disguising them as facts, and calling anyone who disagrees with them as an idiot. This is really how Wikipedia came about, and explains why most Wikipedia administrators are in this age-range. It also explains the many of those sorts of articles on Uncyclopedia that try to be funny in an agnostic or atheistic left-wing bias sort of humor. This clearly shows that all religions will be mocked and attacked, and very negative humor will be written about neocons and conservatives, and any article written to mock or attack left-wingers and liberals will be blanked and vandalized or put up for a Vote For Deletion.
If your child has reached this phase, there is no hope. You've totally lost control of them, and they will continue to make bad decisions for the rest of their lives. They will not take responsibility for their own actions and behaviors, and will blame everything on religion, or right-wingers for almost the rest of their lives. Until they are too old, like 65 or older, because at that age nobody cares about anything anymore except retiring and living off of social programs from the government. They will; however, try to avoid nursing homes and might be telling those young kids to stay off their dammed lawns!
The Parenting Methods
The Maddox Method
Maddox came up with a solution to problems with children. We call this the . Very simply put, when your child is whining or crying or annoying you in some way, you beat the shit out of them. The Dread Pirate Maddox suggests the Dragon Kick and other techniques. After all, Your Mom beat the shit out of you and look what a Saint you turned into. Oh no? She didn't? You are not a saint? Well see what happens when you spare the rod and spoil the child?
The Ferber Method
This one is the easiest method. You basically ignore the child crying and whining, and force them to take care of themselves. It teaches them independence, and yes even babies can learn how to change their own diapers if you ignore them long enough. If they ask for food and drink, simply tell them to get it themselves, that you are not their personal maid or butler. If they ask to borrow money, tell them that you know they have no intention of paying it back, and what do you look like, a bank or something? If you ignore them long enough, hopefully they move out of your house and start their own life as a circus freak, a liberal politician, or some other profession that nobody cares about.
The Helicopter Method
Like an Helicopter, you hover over the child with this method and make decisions for them. Obviously they aren't an adult, and thus are not capable of making their own decisions. You attend school with them and do all of their school and home work, you follow them on dates, you watch them use the Internet, and all the while you tell them what decisions to make. You don't let them have any friends that are a bad influence on them, and personally screen their phone calls and emails.
The Drill Sargent Method
This method is used mostly by military parents and fascists. You wake them up at 5am every day and force them to do chores around the house (KP Duty). When they act up give them more chores and even push ups (Drop and gimme 100 push ups maggot!) and don't forget to yell at them and tell them how worthless they are. Remember you are breaking them down and causing them to be reborn as a responsible adult so they can live on their own and send you back money as they work and you retire. You basically want to be like who played Gny. Sgt. Hartman in so rent a copy and get some ideas from that movie.