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"I get more chicks than Chuck Norris."

~ Steve Buscemi on Chuck Norris

"In Soviet Russia, Norris Chucks you!"

~ Russian Reversal on Chuck Norris

"Wait... who the hell ish Chuch Norrish?"

~ Sean Connery on Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris demonstrating his deadly roundhouse kick technique on a "typical" wiki administrator.


Contents

Nun Bunting

After being beamed down by Scotty Pippin, Chuck proceeded to travel the world, impregnating every nun he encountered on the way to Sainthood, a notorious ghetto in Iowa. He has been seen giving advice to Jesus, Alex Trebek, Steven Hawking and Darth Wing Duck, among others. He often spent his time shampooing his beard with lava, and practicing his roundhouse kicks on mountains, which either instanly became perpetual motion machines, or fake spoons. Fact: it was Chuck who gave the world a particularly nonviolent roundhouse kick and kept it ridin' spinnaz when it nearly stopped in 1983. He does not interact with normal humans much, since most of the time he ends up donkey punching them into oblivion. Hardcore oblivion!

In 1972, Chuck began his short Accountants Gone WILD acting career, always playing himself. He starred in the reality television show Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, in which he played every single Ranger, and which is coincidentally Oscar Wilde's favorite TV show. In the epic miniseries Walker: Total Lord of the Rings, he had to take elephant tranquilizers to prevent him from accidentally wiping his co-stars out of Exiztenz. During this period, he wrote his autobiographically biography, which went on to greatly influence other books, films, characters (fictional and non-fictional), etc., such as Dragonball Z, the Half-Life game series (based off of his time as a "black private Dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks" in Vietnam), the Green Lantern, Street Fighter, Ahnuld Shvahrtzenaygger, and the space-time continuum. His mother also smells like a sweaty muskrat on a hot Summer day.

Master of the Universe (and Kanada)

Chuck Norris has greatly influenced politics and international military extramarital affairs. East Korea and Canadia experimented on samples of Chuck Norris' sperm, taken by swabs from Heidi Klum and Hugh Downs, which also revealed that each of his spermatozoa have tiny black belts in every one of the martial arts, resulting in the creation of constructs known as the Jolly Green Giant Luchadores. Four new periodic elements, byproducts from Chuck's personal man-eating bowflex, contaminated the water of West Korea, endowing subsequent generations with the ability to single-handedly defend Earth from The Invasion of the Banus Scratchers.

It is rumored that when he returns, the Apocalypse will indeed come, with the universe being reborn following a space-time tablecloth-wide battle pitting Norris against his arch-nemesis, eco-terrorist Nuck Chorris, in a no-holds-barred, Saturday fight-night fever, raging abomination in the cage, kid tested, mother approved, gi-mongous, gory, heart-warming, ultra-battle to the blessed bloody death. It is believed that Chaos theory, Apocalypse: The Acclaimed Motion Picture, and other end-of-Microshaft supremacy films, stories, etc., are actually toned-down versions based on what our puny minds try to comprehend will unhappen.

Second Coming

Fans are now waiting for Chuck Norris to return and star in what they believe will be a hit reality show called "Chuck Norris Defeats The Flying Spaghetti Monster's Enemies and eats an Eskimo". In the show, Chuck Norris would defeat one special person's enemies with roundhouse kicks and beard-related moves to the face before huffing hobbit feet just for the hell of it. Whoa.

It is rumored that Chuck Norris vanished a long time ago after defeating a Maxipad during Vietnam Bloodbath XXVI. Officially reported as MIA, he has since become the suspected Unknown Soldier, with his grave being guarded 24/7 by other commandos, including Charles Bronson and the famously decorated aircraft carrier William "The Fridge" Perry. Of course, we all know this to be pure myth, and for this reason, Norris has outlawed pure myth.

Venting his Spleen

Chuck Norris demonstrating his deadly "chin-scratchies" kick technique on a friend's beard. At the time the picture was taken, his own beard was commiting ninja genocide elsewhere.

In Southeast-Northwestern Chorea, which is coincidentaly in the future, Norris became a valuable ally to the aliens of Xenu in the War of Tomorrow Never Dies. He was a trainer to all alien infantry and kung-fu wall-walkers of the 22th Century. After the advancements of the typewriter, Chuck moonwalked onto the Southwest-Northeastern Ckorean soil, and aliens dropped huge air bombs, which are also known as Huggies diapers in the local dialect, and they wiped out many ugly, stupid cities, like Delaware. Before returning to his own time, he roundhouse kicked them onto the other side of the planet, and brought about the existence of s0vi3t Amerhyyka. But because it's in the past of the future, we don't know if we can't believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris is known to have only one living equal: Anti-Norris, or Nuck Chorris. He often spars in space with Superman and Mr. T.

Despite his recent surge of internet popularity, Chuck Norris remains a modest man, and the only luxury he takes is that every year on his birthday, which could be any day, any time, anywhere, he grants one child the privilege of being roundhouse-kicked into the Sun. Rumor has it that this year, he will roundhouse-kick Brian Park of Fort Lee, NJ, to a fiery demise.

Economy of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is known to have a wide and pahwafool economy. The chief export is death, followed closely by pain and fear. The primary imports include women, alcohol, and souls, in that order. The primary hub of economic activity in the Chuck Norris economy are his two legs, "Law" and "Order." These facilitate trade between Chuck Norris and others via roundhouse kicks. Some economists have been quoted as criticizing this system as an inefficient means of delivering pain to demanding consumers. These people were quickly reminded of a few facts pertaining to Chuck Norris: the economy of Chuck Norris is a free-market system where consumers demand Chuck not roundhouse-kick them, and Chuck supplies the hurt. (The economy of Chuck Norris is currently experiencing a tradegasm.)

Loin Prowess

Throughout his life, Chuck Norris has fathered many children, all of which are sons, due to all of his chromosomes being YY. Many have become famous in their own right and include Paul Bunyan, the entire 1972 Miami Dolphins football team, Thor, Andre the Giant, Eric Bloodaxe and Ulric Bloody Manpon, Mohammad Ali and his sweet 'fro, Ares and Mars, Uwe Bole (whom Chuck has apologized for), the entire Spartan Army, Achilles, Hercules and Heracles, Leroy Jenkins, Stuporman, Zeus and Po' Joe, Paracelsus, T-1000, Warchief Thrall, MC Chris, Optimus Prime, and Ron Jeremy.

Although it is not widely known, Chuck Norris actually created a series of kickass TV programs, which Chanel #4 now own the rights to, occasionally airing them as "rockumentaries." Even less widely known is that Chuck Norris created a line of robots under the name RudBot Universal Development Industries. The only known "RudBot" still in existence is called RUDI (also short for RudBot Universal Development Industries). You can find out more about this rare specimen at Rudbot. Marcus Pringle, leader of Geek News Monthly, is a noob and is totally going to be pwnt by Chuck for implying that Chuck created that turd-stain abomination "RUDI".

Chuck Norris and Piracy

In the 0.089th Century AD, Spanglish explorer Diego Cortezkov ran into a "bearded ravenous beast 'pon the seas." Several of his tightass ships with spinnaz and chrome mysteriously disappeared in a storm of seawater that was described as "rushing 'pon us with the sound of a thousand roundhouse kyckes to the fayce." Though historians once pinned this bearded menace as none other than the infamous Cap'n Morgana, we now know, thanks to guessing, that Chuck Norris himself was responsible for the viscous attacks on Americanski explorinators. During his brief stint on the high seas, he attacked and ravished the irresistable Christopher Columbo's expedition to India, roundhouse-kicking the explorer himself all the way to Americastan, which he named after the sound of Norris' foot beating children after one too many. After forcing Darth Jodie Foster and Helen Hunt of Troy to walk the planck, Chuck fell about to a "drinkin' goode tyme" as described by Oscar Wilde, who was none other than Norris' first mate. The rum orgy lasted until Chuck's hard, purple, amazing, throbbing, expanding, stick-straight, amazing, thumb regained circulation after being caught in the cookie jar, which was well over a century. By that time, Norris was so completely imbibed that he remained in a permanent state of denial, and immediately had a Gary Coleman epiphany given to him by Paul Muad'Dib, who instructed him to invent the style of Drunken Bikini Waxing, which he taught to valiant Scotsman Jackie McChan, after the former lost a bet to him over the size of Margaret Thatcher's nipples (the famous Hardy-Weinberg-Norris-Chan Nipple Postulate, created at MIT in 1922).

After warping to Antarctica, Norris roundhoused the continent. Shockwaves from this incident still cause icebergs to fly and hit ships such as the HMS Leonardo Awesome DiCapritation. Norris then flew, using his beardcape, to the nuclear wasteland of Nega-Texas and formed a survival epic there known as Walker, Texas Ranger Massacre. Loose Constructionists and Zulus view this series as a brilliant sequel to the Power Rangers show. One day in 1962 while filming the show, Norris "accidentally" had green paint spilled all over him, which prompted him into a rage of roundhouse kicks to everything nearby. Curiously, Stan Lee and Jack Kirby were present on that day and managed to survive. Norris was also still a pirate. He ended every show by roundhousing a villain to the face, and slashing an ugly woman with his hook-hand. Later in life, he was an early boss character in the ball-smashing hit videogame Mortal Wombat, but was subsequently pulled when beta testers were never able to defeat him and his only two moves, a roundhouse kick and a beard rub, both of which immediatly resulted in a fatal overdose of OMG!!1!one!!

Mathematical proof of how bad Chuck Norris is

First, we can conclude that a man is just a man, Man = Man (except when he's Chuck Norris, but we'll get to that.) Next, we can conclude, by insertion, that adding Chuck Norris to any equation just makes it too wild for any proof: . Therefore, math cannot include all of Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris can include all math.

Also, . Speaking of infinity and math, Chuck Norris can divide by zero, and he has counted to infinity--twice!

The Mortal Enemies of Chuck Norris

"It was a very painful discovery for me, as Chuck Norris kicked me in the groin and declared 'I am your mortal enemy!'"

~ Anonymous on Chuck Norris

Little is truly known about Chuck Norris before his fatefull nun bunting session. However, it has recently been hypothesynthesized that since Bruce Lee is the only man who tried to beat Chuck Norris, but failed, showing that Chuck Norris is in fact.... !!! No one knows what that means. Anyway, this -> XXX caused this -> ABCDOMFG. There was a falling out between the two men, and sadly the Flying Spaghetti Monster called our beloved Bruce Lee home before he could pick up the dry cleaning, which pissed Chuck the hell off. Having been imparted with this painful lesson from Chuck Norris, those who have been savaged by Chuck Norris seek to discover what sent Chuck Norris on his wayward path. It may simply be that the preceding sentence made no sense, but Chuck Norris is angry that as bad as he is, he will never be as bad of a bad-ass as Chunk.

"I think he hates me."

~ Anonymous on after being beat-down by Chuck Norris

It has been suggested that the victims of the rage of Chuck Norris may eventually lead to finding of The One, or the creation of the next Anti-Norris, not to be confused with the Nuck Chorris, which is considered by many to lead to a conflict which will be the causal spark of monkeys throwing radioactive feces, and the end of the Multiverse as we know it, which will then return to its prior condition of being a large wheel of cheese as illustrated by string theory. Chuck Norris, in his own way, is bringing people together by sending bears to attack Jay Leno in his helicopter.

"I'll rip his head off and shit down his... oh God!!!"

~ Duke Nukem on Chuck Norris

The only man to give Chuck a run for his money is Duke Nukem, noted poet, philosopher, ladies man, niceass, and stripper instructor. Duke has killed as many aliens as Chuck has ninjas and as many foot corns as Chuck has Uncyclopedia vandals. Which is a H-E-double-hockeystick-hell of a lot. They fought each other to a stand still on several dinner occasions. Unlike other foes, Duke's actual badassitation is enough to end this sentence. If they were ever to combine their powers, the universe would explode out of all the extra cream filling.

"Meow"

~ Kitten on Chuck Norris

It has recently been revealed that in an unknown future, there will be a cataclysmic battle between the evil Kitten of the world and the Chuck. It is believed that there will be 24 unique Kitten that will attempt to take Norris out. This is sometimes referred as the Ultimate Showdown.

Prophecies of Demise

Despite Chuck's Awesome-never-die-never-look-at-the-toilet-paper-after-he-wipes-his-ass attitude, and the whole not dying aspect that comes with it, prophecies foretell of a cataclysmic battle known only as the "Ultimate Showdown", in which Chuck Norris is to participate. In it, he will meet his demise by means of the "Ultimate Alliance Combo," a Wendy's meal that will soon lose popularity and will be total recalled.

The "Ultimate Alliance Combo" is also a group of heroes beleived to be submortal. Though each one of them is less immortal than Chuck individually, when combined, they are a nearly implausible force. The variant foretold to defeat Chuck consists of 24 unique, collect-em' all, superheroes, all suited to protect the others' "special" areas. All specifics of this combo are known only to scholars of the holy book of "Ultimate Destiny 4: The Journey to the Secret Panda Molesting Mountain." It is this unspeakable combination that may finally bring an end to the legend of the Golden Shower of Machu Pichu.

"Everything that has a beginning has an end. That's why I went back in time to impregnate my own mother. Worked, didn't it?"

~ George W Bush on incest

There is, however, another prophecy concerning his death, the prophecy of CityRail, but the conditions involved are far too unlikely to ever occur. Yes, by now, everyone has probably quit reading this half-assed article. Sweet, time to write about my true passion... Em- Headshot! Teamkill! 4 winner are j00!

Confrontations with Nathan Fillion

Nathan Fillion and Chuck Norris don't like each other very much. They fight every chance they get, which was like one time. However, God usually stops their battles before they end, for fear of boring the reader. Moving on.

On Finding Chuck Norris

Most would have to be suicidal or unwise to seek out Chuck Norris, in his many shapes and forms, but there are ways of finding the master of the Flying Guillotine, if one seeks him. There are many types of information, including the man's own website (including the world-renowed Christianology Section), the IMDB entry which hints not at the majesty of Sir Chuck, but most commonly, Chuck Norris can be found in internet chatrooms, web pages of joke collections, and most other sites like these which no one visits. In World of Warcraft, for example, The Barrens is always a place for a good round of Chuck Norris lore-swapping, if one can stomach the aggravating twittering of these morons. There are also people who post about Chuck Norris on /b/, although they are becoming fewer every day. Rumor has it that Chuck Norris hates /b/ and roundhouse-kicks everyone who dares to mention his name there. In 2011, Chuck Norris Revealed himself to the public, where he then attempted to saw off the legs of Crackerzilla. This ended in heated battle between Super Oprah and every punk ever manufactured. The outcome was lost in translation, since the event took place in Campeche Mexico.

See Also

External Links