“Man, I like, totally have this cousin, with like, seriously, TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS. Just drive me downtown, and it's yours man! I just need a little taste...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Cocaine

“Good cocaine is rarely pure, and never cheap.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Cocaine
The Robin Williams Travel Accessory Pack, circa 1981

Contents

Origins

Cocaine (colloquially known as Pepsi) is a by-product of rye and was discovered by Saint Thomas Aquinas in 1255, purely by accident whilst he was urinating in a rye field in Parma. It was immediately exported all over the world and remains the biggest commodity of all rye harvesting countries. Rye can only be grown between August and September and must be harvested by lepers between 01:00 and 05:00 GMT on the last sunday of September, so on those months over seven tenths of the world's population are put to work without pay until the rye is delivered to the main processing plants in Washington D.C. in the United Spades of Amerika, Hull in England and the Labrador Peninsula in Canada where Eskimos still use the traditional method of "smashing", where the rye is literally smashed on the ice until the cocaine comes out.


Cocaine was successfully synthesized in 1941 by United States Army Air Corps officer John Belushi.


Crack--Cocaine was created from Cocaine by Ronald Reagan in order to disband the Black Panthers. "How we stop the black panthers? Ronald Reagan cooked up an answer." - Kanye West


Cocaine is primarily sold by young African Americans with one letter names, who often smoke marijuana blunts.

Uses

Although snorted by tragically unhip, clueless dorks all over the world, the main use of cocaine is in the manufacture of Teflon; Jaffa Cakes; powdered baby milk; most toothpastes, and has also used to animate most of the Presidents of the USA, except William Howard Taft (1909-13) who was Absolute powered.


The Panama Canal was build using cocaine powder, as cement powder was on backorder at the time.


Cocaine is generally enjoyed by children everywhere as a delicious breakfast food.


Many politicians are known to use the drug to help them create even more deranged public policy.

Journalists are also heavy users, both at work when trying to dream up an even bigger load of shit to publish in the morning edition, and at parties where the drug increases their confidence to the point where they're uninhibited about abusing people "face-to-face", as opposed to their usual cowardly behaviour of writing disparaging material from the comfort and distance of their newspaper's office.

Doctors and surgeons are also fond of the drug as it helps them stay awake and not die of boredom during 12-hour operations (see British Medical Review, Oct 1381).

Some children in inner-city schools are known to use the drug to numb their mouth before provoking classmates into a fight. In this way they feel no pain when they get their teeth smashed out, and thus make themselves look really hard.


Cocaine is a superb natural ability enhancer, with effects including:

Cocaine addiction

Where to Buy

Cocaine is usually bought in the middle of down town in its powder form. Lately there has been price war going on between the two major Coke cartels, Coke-Я-Us and E.B. Coke. This price war began when E.B. Coke started selling cocaine with the paraphenalia to use it. Coke-Я-Us immediately responded by cutting prices and popping caps, specifically in the clerks that are responsible for checking you out at E.B. Coke.

Users

Oscar Wilde's "Talk to the Hand, Ernest"

If you want a crack whore, you gotta freebase some more; cocaine.
If you want a small cock, or you've just lost some stock; cocaine.
You can buy, you can buy, you can buy; cocaine.
If you want to invest, you gotta start to ingest; cocaine.
When your day is done and your nose starts to run; cocaine.
You can buy, you can buy, you can buy; cocaine.
If your septum is gone and you wanna snort on; cocaine.
Don't forget this fact, you can't grow it back; cocaine.
You can buy, you can buy, you can buy; cocaine.
You can buy, you can buy, you can buy; cocaine."
~ Oscar Wilde, 'Talk to the Hand, Ernest'


(Note: the above song is not to the tune of That's Amore. Sorry, try again.)


See also


Mommy's Medicine Cabinet
Caffeine | Cocaine | Iron Penguin | Kittens | LSD | Orange sherbet | Prozac | Thalidomide | Valium | Viagra