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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called-experts at Wikipedia have an article about: Cthulhu.

""Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!""

~ Oscar Wilde on Cthulhu

"Woops, I accidentally grilled the Cthulhu in my B-B-Que party..."

~ Anonymous on Cthulhu
Cth before he left his human host and joined with hulhu the whale.

Cthulhu is the name of the new creature formed after the merging of a giant white whale and a large squid. Cth, demon squid of Ahman joined with Hulhu after his last human host died. The union has served both well, as Cth now has the warmth and fresh blood he desires, and Hulhu believes he is fashionable. (see: symbiotic relationship) Hulhu, who was hunted by Captain Ahab in Oscar Wilde's novel, 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea (while eating his favorite dish, Moby Dick), has renamed himself Cthulhu.

Cthulhu is now also known as 'Cuddly Wuddly Snuggly Poo', the level 7 Whale/20 Squid-Lich Sorcerer. (Hulhu/Cth) It splits its time between spreading love and sending fantastically good dreams, and drinking the blood of virgin lawyers. Now freed from the typecast of the romantic housewife-fiction genre, Cthulhu (née Hulhu) can spend its quiet time enjoying cartoons and playing World Of Warcraft.

Cthulhu can be reached within shouting distance of the Spouter Inn in New Bedford. It would appreciate if you brought along either two tons of herring or a virgin lawyer. If your name is Captain Ahman, don't bother bringing any fish.

Sadly, these days poor Cthulhu has fallen on hard times. He now makes his living appearing in various Anime series such as Digimon, Monty Pythons Flying Circus, and Call for Help.

Contents

Little Known Facts

Howdy, neighbor! How's your sanity?

During the heyday of hula hoop production, one start-up company based their entire advertising campaign on Cthulhu. Five months after the introduction of the product (Cthula Hoops), they were pulled from the shelves due to repeated complaints from parents about their children waking up with horrific nightmares. The company never recovered and folded shortly thereafter.

Keen eyed readers will have spotted Cthulhu in the first pilot show of the Muppets as the tentacled bass player. However, he was soon dropped after driving guests to acts of depravity and insanity. The guests that can still speak speak fondly of him, and even 15 years later Goldie Hawn returns daily to the same studio with new offerings of dead pets. He is believed to be dreaming though dead, and is available for work in R'lyeh and the Bay Areas.

Cthulhu birthed David Bowie.

Cthulhu was the 33rd president of Finland.

Cthulhu invented the toast as we know it.

Cthulhu attacked against admiral Nelson Mandela.

Some say that Cthulhu is just a gigantic halibut living in the halibut city of Atlantis. But this is preposterous. Everybody knows that he's living in Belgium.

It has also been mathematically proven that Cthulhu looks damned sexy in a tube top.

Cthulhu has the power to turn humans into toast, which he invented (toast. And maybe humans).

Cthulhu and HK-47 are best friends. And lovers. They had a child named Adam West.

The Albatross Alliance's main aim, other than destroying humanity, is to kill Cthulhu and eat it. That is a lot of squid there. Albatrosses like squid.

The Nation of Cthulhu

CIA map of Cthulhu (1996)

After the native frog-squid-sheep-people were colonized by the population of England's mental hospitals, Cthulhu was declared "annoying" and "gormless" by the U.N. Secretary-General. "Also cyclopean," the Secretary-General said after a bit. "And squamous." He also called it "reified," but at that point he was just squealing random words out of his clone-hole.

In any case, these utterances started a slap-fight that has seldom abated since. For centuries Cthulhu sweated under the heel of the often-molting Turk, which the struggling nation thought was fine if you were in to that sort of thing.

Additionally, Cthulhu once started a war with the neighboring island-nation of Cthulu over the proper spelling of "R'lyeh." As Secretary-General Nyarlathotep said after the incident, "There is no proper spelling! It's just a bunch of random letters pulled out of a hat!" The war ended in a stalemate, and since then, citizens of both countries have amused themselves by making up Cthulhu quotes.

The national anthem of Cthulhu is "Ia Shoggoth, Ia Shoggoth, O Cannonball Armchair, My Rocket of Love." This, as far as anyone can tell, is Japanese, and it was most stirringly performed at the 1987 Special Olympics by Japanese national pop band Pizzicato Five. Its national bird is the pseudonatural canary, which is exactly like a regular canary but with extra tentacles for realistic gripping action. Its national flag is a maple leaf with an eyeball in the center, strangling a baby.

Cth 'n' Ny: The TV Show

Despite excessive tension between other nations and Cthulhu, Cthulhu and Nyarlathotep both recently starred in the first and only season of Cth 'n' Ny, a TV show depicting the bumbling attempts of the comically-incompetent pair (played convincingly by Cth and Ny themselves) to enslave and exterminate the human race, with their overly complicated plans consistently thrown awry by amusing errors in communication caused by the virtually unpronouncable language used by the Great Old Ones.

The series almost didn't air at all, but at the last minute Fox picked it up to replace the cancellation of it's prime-time reality show, Who Wants To Film a Reality Show? (Apparently, no one did.) The show was regarded as horrendous, but, hey, what do you expect from Fox? The show was cancelled after just one episode, when all the people who viewed the premiere went insane and began shrieking wildly in incomprehensible, inhuman tongues, sacrificing small animals, and gnawing the flesh from their own hands.

Since the cancellation, Cthulhu has branched into other media. His new online news-service advice column already has 17,637 subscribers.

Cthulhu's Wager

This article was originally sporked from BJAODN.


Based on Pascal's Wager, Cthulhu's Wager measures the benefits/punishments of belief/non-belief in Cthulhu.

It follows logic thusly:

  1. Cthulhu, if he exists, exists somewhere inaccessible to human beings, so we cannot be certain of his existence or nonexistence.
  2. If Cthulhu exists, he will give a quick and less painful death to those who have worshipped him and expressed their belief through self-flagellation and ritual sacrifice.
  3. If Cthulhu exists, he will condemn those who have not worshipped him to eternal torture and unimaginable pain.

The following table shows the values assigned to each possible outcome:

Cthulhu exists Cthulhu does not exist
Worship of Cthulhu + ∞ (finite pain) 0
Non-Worship of Cthulhu − ∞ (infinite pain) 0


Now you must wager: do you choose to worship him or not?

So we can describe our calculus of pain, holding as the probability that Cthulhu exists, and that he does not exist.

If you worship him, we assign as the pain if he does exist, and as the pain if he does not exist. is less than because in both instances you go through the pain associated with worshipping Cthulhu, but in , you also get eaten, which is more painful.

If you worship him your expected pain is some finite constant:

For the case where you do not worship him, we assign as the pain if he does exist, and as the pain if he does not exist. will be zero or negative, because you actually get pleasure if you don't worship him and he does not exist.

If you do not worship him, your expected pain is:

However, Y1, the pain if he does exist and you don't worship him, is infinite. Therefore, expected pain is infinite if you do not worship him, no matter what the associated probability .

As infinite pain is always greater than any finite pain, is always greater than .

Therefore, in order to minimize your pain, the only rational thing for you to do is to pick , and worship Cthulhu through self-flagellation and ritual sacrifice.

Hobbies of Cthulhu

See Also