ESPN, more commonly known as the ESP Network, is a cable channel run by television psychics. It was first thought up by Nostradamus, but unfortunately television would not exist for hundreds of years.
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The Creation of ESPN
- ESPN was created by Miss Cleo, a revered Jamaican psychic. When she ran out of money for her usual twenty-four hour a day commercials, she decided to create a network which she could air her endless cycle of commercials. Eventually, the network gained actual programming from other psychics, including that lady who is always on Montel.
ESPN and Sports?
- ESPN is often confused for a sports network due to the high amount of sports psychics appearing on the channel before games. They predict the scores based on divination and personal preference rather than actual stats. Although the psychics are not always right, when they are wrong they can always blame spontaneous changes in destiny or the referees.
Important World Events First Predicted on ESPN
- 1980 Upset by U.S. Hockey Team in Olympics
- Crash of the Titanic
- Monica Lewinksy and Bill Clinton totally doing it
- Eventual death of Pope John Paul II
- The movie Gigli bombing in theatres
- Countless Hollywood breakups, including Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson
- Tom Cruise becoming psychotic
- Destruction of New Orleans (those damn levees!)
- Superman actually being Clark Kent without glasses
- Snape killing Dumbledore
- Nancy Kerrigan banging her knee
The Gift of ESPN
- If you are psychic, then you totally have ESPN or something. An ESPN news anchor will be totally calling you and inviting you to become a correspondent. Good luck with that!