"Where is Al-Qaeda when you need them? In New-York!"

- Oscar Wilde on Former Buildings
A French battle flag
Official languages Anything but English, apparently.
Capital Paris
Largest City Bombay, City of Love
Major Exports cheese, wine, cheese boards, wine racks, whining, Le Car, statues of Liberty, Astérix comics, Lance Armstrong, obscure and overdramatic porn movies.
King of France Jerry Lewis
President Jacques Chirac
Prime Minister Fred Bear
Established Following the Napoleonic Wars, when Napoleon Bonaparte lost a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors to Lord Wellington.
Currency Brie
Opening hours "Just take what you want and go!"
National anthem "General Hill's March" by Randy Newman
Motto "Gort, Klaatu Barada Nikto."

“Don't tell the French.”

~ Oscar Wilde on France

"Le French are le best. They are le most beautiful people in le world."

~ French on France

"HA!"

~ English on French

"Euhhh... Collège Bobée..."

~ French on Everything

"Going to war without France is like going hunting without your lawyer. "

- Dick Cheney on France

"They start the day with chocolate bread. It's only going to go downhill from there."

~ Dylan Moran on The French

"Je ne give a damn pas about le francais. "

- John Knowles on France

"Si tu crois que je suis moi, alors je suis toi"

~ Phil Osophy on the French Revolution


France (shown actual size)

While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France. La France (from the Latin term for "the France") is a county of the former Romaine Empire, , known for its Freedom fries, Freedom toast, and Freedom snails. Formerly known as "Freedomland", it was changed to France by act of Parliament. By this time, however, Freedom Food was well known across the world, so the names stuck. Certainly its most significant role in history is as the training ground for the unbridled and endlessly relentless German will and the playground for young Germans. An urban legend, the validity of which has yet to be determined, claims that only Germans under the age of ten years old are permitted to threaten France, for anyone older would run the risk of accidentally crushing the fragile country under their goose-stepped foot as they cross Western Europe or cause the entire French population to retreat into the Atlantic Ocean out of sheer fear.

France's main industry is linen - specifically in producing White Flags. However due a French aversion to work, it is still forced to import a large number of second hand flags from Italy, discarded by soldiers who found the flags impeded their ability to flee.

The French are a simple people who enjoy fine wine and good food while they murder you. Still think the French are weak! Try having a French goon turn your nuts into earings and your sack hairs into dental floss- Adolf Hitler

France should be purple! Especially Northeastern France which is a very lucious forest. This is on account of all the trees planted there to shade the Germans as they marched through towards Paris.

France was found tied to a large outcrop of Alpine mountains at the end of the English Channel. Founded by the vertically-challenged psychopath Napoléon Bonaparte, France nevertheless grew into the tall and muscular nation it is today. The French are renowned for fermenting excellent cheese, brewing fine wines, and hurling sarcastic retorts at the British. The primary industry of France is fine whine production, coupled with the energy industry, powered by burning automobiles that have been left unattended for over 30 seconds.

French people also love to be called "Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys" and when called this they will retort in French to show their affection. France smells of the garlic sauce that comes with Papa John's pizza.

France has also been known throughout history for being blamed any time another country screwed over and didn't bother presenting apologies. See 2003.

Contents

Fast Facts

Mon bloody dieu: Parisians receive final confirmation of their nation’s inferiority to Great Britain as their Olympic bid fails for the VIXth time.

French Cities

Military History

The French Terror Alert System (FTAS) uses colours as an easy way to indicate the appropriate level of capitulation French citizens should offer to invading armies. Instaured in eary 2003, right before George W. Bush offered an entire country to Al Quaeda.

"Hmm, I think I'll take that one. -Bill O'Reilly , also known as Adolf Hitler

See: French military victories , American military victories

Based on their Algerian experience, the French correctly warned the US of A. in 2003 of what would happen if they invaded Iraq. Since then, it is customary to make jokes about French military history. "Sometimes, only humour can heal war wounds" Dick Cheney

(Side note to this section: Despite their history, the French in 1989 made a country-wide effort to put their military abilty together in one man, named Jean-Luc Picard. He was the only excellent strategist France has ever produced, although since he serves for the Americans, he does not break any of the three fundamental rules of French warfare. Apparently, he did not take part in the "Iraqi Freedom" debacle.)

Gallic Wars Retreated and Lost. Except for one little village to the north, the country is occupied for many years.

Hundred Years War Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who during a retreat inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "You do not talk about Fight Club." She was sainted.

Italian Wars Lost. France accidentally retreats in the wrong direction and surrenders therefore becoming the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a retreating tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Frogs One of the few wars France have partially won (to the dismay of edible frogs).

War of the Spanish Succession Retreated and Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though all they did was retreat before even engaging the enemy and let the English colonists see nearly all of the action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "You do NOT talk about Fight Club!"

French Revolution Won, mostly because the opponent was also French, and retreated first.

Napoleonic Wars Surrendered to a retreating force. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

Franco-Prussian War Lost. “Emperor” Napoleon III throws a temper tantrum over a Prussian prince being offered the Spanish throne, declares war on Germany. Had a regular army against an army of conscripts so they could surrender more pompously. The French Emperor himself monitored and participated in the surrender process. Offered some territory as a gift and graciously invited the first German Emperor to be crowned in France to avoid losing more. Allows the Outmanned and outgunned Germans to first start playing the role of drunken frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

Siege of Paris: Under Prusso-Germanic siege, citizens of Paris overthrow the new French Republic, and establish the Paris Commune which would later serve as the inspiration for Karl Marx. They thus simultaneously create communism, and the

First Rule of Parisian Warfare When the going gets tough, attack your homeland. This policy is later adopted by Communists, Islamo Fascists, and Viral Infections.


World War I Three divisions of German Sausagegruppen light armoured, lamb mounted troop enter France, to encounter 74 divisions of elite 'Les Trooper de fromage' and 105 divisions of 'garlick armée groupe' armed with the infamous 'fusil de abandon'. The german divisions, led by Kaiser Wilhelm the conqueror, are let into France through Belgium. Due to a the great white flag shortage of 1914, the French could not complete their surrender before the arrival of the British Forces. Retreating and on the way to losing, France is saved by the British. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." At the end of the war, the president of France ordered a step up in the production of white flags in an effort to speed up any future surrenders.

World War II It was at this point in history that France had lost so many wars that they started to loosen up, and really have fun with it. Refusing to lose quietly, they built the ever famed Maginot Line, whilst torturing their poor conquerors with incomprehensible poetry and mime. Their greatest weapon was, and remains to this day, French cinema. They used this horrifying deviceto great effect, effectively robbing the German forces of their will to live. This made them easy prey for the Allied Forces; Indiana Jones, Nick Fury, Captain America, Hellboy, and the Blues Brothers.

How the French flag looked during the Hundred Years War

War in Indochina Lost. Elite units of the French Foreign Legion are forced to retreat, complaining bitterly that "les gens ici sont peu amicaux et il fait chaud aussi." (people here are not very friendly and it is hot too!) After enduring the scourge of Dien Bien Flu, the French sold the war to the United States for an undisclosed sum.

Algerian Rebellion Lost. The French Foreign Legion's here marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkish Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "Shot first, shoot second, shot again, then ask questions." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, Esquimaux, Sudanese, Megatexans, and Jamaicans, as well as many others.

Cola War Lost... somehow

War on Terrorism France thinks the whole war on terror is incredibly silly. They haven't even bothered translating the words "War on Terror" into French yet. They are under the impression that George Bush is a late-night talk show host who never has any good guests, and as a matter of fact have him confused with the guy who played Sylvester Stallone's sidekick in Demolition Man. They think Sylvester Stallone is the President. The rest of the world find this quite amusing, as they know that the real president is Arnold Schwartzenegger.

Paris Riots Recently, (Late October and into Early November of 2005) Paris and some surrounding cities within France have experienced extensive rioting and looting. Many French citizens have taken to the streets and have begun to burn cars, buildings and almost anything else they can think of. It seems that the French hate the Americans so much that they hate their allies as well, and thereby hate themselves. Calls for military involvement in order to quash the rebellious rioters have been answered with statments such as "What military?" from president Jacques Chirac, and "Those people must be part of the Iraqi insurgency" from the american secretary of defense.

War Against Greenpeace: Lost. Greenpeace attack dingy “Rainbow Warrior” prepares to sail for Moruroa Atoll for a major campaign against French nuclear testing. Greenpeace forces board a French battleship and wreak havoc on the unsuspecting frog military. Two agents of the French secret service bomb and sink the boat. I tree-hugger sans tree drowns. Six weeks later agents Prieur and Mafart plead guilty to charges of manslaughter and willful damage. They get sentences of 10 years and 7 years. French Prime Minister Fabius admits to state terrorism on TV. This marks not only the first military success of Greenpeace, but the first time any country has managed to get its ass kicked and look like the bad guy at the same time.

"They think WE French are sissies...they call US waids and whoopsies and big girls' blouses..."

~ Oscâr De La Wildè - French cousin of the famous English Wilde-boy


French List

There are so many lists about France, that it has become a custom in anything about France, to make a dousen of superfluous lists, just so that there are enough lists.

Tourist Tips

The typical dress of the a Frenchman. To avoid getting assraped absorb the local culture, try dressing like this whilest in Benelux.

The Place in France Where the Naked Ladies Dance is a highly recommended destination. Places with this name may be found in many towns and cities; however, the canonical and most widely acclaimed is that of Saxony, called the Moulin Noir Clubbe.

Travellers beware! The mustard in France is much closer to the Mustard Seed, the central power source of all condiments everywhere, and real Dijon Mustard is so hot that it can melt fire.

Many French towns are known to have youth hostels that double as abbatoirs. Do not be confused about which section you're staying in.

French contributions to the World

Historical Contributions

The French have contributed a great deal to the world, however little of which is useful to you, me, or anyone else.

French Cinema

French movies have a unique way of putting together things like the power of God and a '98 Ford Taurus, or a boat in a swimming pool and its relation with the left shoe of a dead man running naked across the country. Lots of people (all of them Linux users) go to the movie theater and sit on the floor while they feel the sexual problems of the modern life in the shape of that Ford Taurus. Here's a sample of a a typical French movie:

1. The camera starts in a park, zoom to a tree. Hold for 5 minutes.

2. A bird stands in the tree. It flies away. The camera doesn't move. 3 minutes.

2. The camera moves from the tree to a naked woman looking at the Sun. Slowly (a 4:30 minute movement). The woman is in the grass with a black duck.

- "It's hard to say, but at the beginning this was a big orange. Then the wind came. I remember, it was a pink cat."

3. A man enters the scene. He has a gun in his hand with a chocolate rabbit on it. Zoom to an ant for 20 minutes with the sound of a little kid crying because there is no more goose liver remaining.

- "Janet, I don't know why you are here, but I called you tomorrow and told you to come... remember?... you don't and now I must kill my first son."

4. She kills the duck with her shoe. They have sex. 15 minutes. They change position. 22 minutes. The camera makes a zoom at the blood from the duck; it's green. Silence for 45 minutes. The camera returns to them. The duck comes back to life, then shoots them.

- "Killed by a duck. Life is such an apple. I told you ... Charles."

- "Oui. Et il ne faut pas cautionner l'irréalité sous des aspérités absentes et désenchantées de nos pensées iconoclastes et désoxydées par nos désirs excommuniés de la fatalité ..."

- "I really hate my mother."

- "Now I'll never smoke this last cigarrete, with cat flavor. Let's have sex."

5. A dog eats them. The duck takes the cigarrete. Zoom at the tree again. 25 minutes of wind sound.

French kissing

French kissing, widely renowned, is an oft mispracticed sport. The state-sponsored LPF (Ligue de Patins Français) publishes many informative guides for French citizens on safe and fun ways to practice this elegant pass-time. It is rumoured that this department was set up to bring about the impression that the French people were fantastic lovers. Opinion is divided on whether this is succeeding.

The sport is always played on Main Street and should not to be confused with other similar European variants. Thus "Belgian kissing" is that which takes place in a garage forecourt shortly before lace-making lessons, "Norwegian kissing" is at the top of a fire escape during a hotel fire, while "Swedish kissing" is of the type seen while queueing interminably for the check-out at IKEA.

A 'Glaswegian Kiss' usually occurs with a can of kestrel super strength in one hand and a battered mars bar supper in the other, and is memorable in that it usually redesigns the bridge of your nose permanently.

Fun Facts about France

  1. France is believed to have first practiced fellatio, a popular past-time around the world.
  2. France is alone among Western European nations in still believing itself to be a colonial power. Thus the country keeps an iron stranglehold on its colonies, occasionally hitting them up for booze and cigarettes.
  3. France used to own America as one of its colonies, but traded it to the British for a carton of cigarettes and the promise that no Briton ever would ever cook a meal on French soil again.
  4. The Maginot Line, a magical wall of 'defense' designed to ward off the Germans, now points inward, largely used to extinguish burning cars and protect the Palais Elysee from French Attack.
  5. Stargate was banned under controversial separation of church and state laws.
  6. There are no fat French women. This is because they spend too much time smoking cigarettes and not enough time eating cheese. If you see a fat woman in France she will be American.
  7. Invented the Art of Being Blamed for Somebody Else's Mistakes. See Freedom Fries
  8. The first thing French children are taught is: "Je voudrais des frites"
  9. French is the 11th most spoken language in the world, spoken by about 77 people and a tribe of Pygmes in Botswana.
  10. 1/4 people in France have at least one grandparent who was born outside France.
  11. 3/4 everyone in France die in urban places.
  12. French cuisine is considered the best in the world.
  13. Over 76 million tourists went to France in 2001. Over 77 million went home afterwards.
  14. Most French universities can be free of students.
  15. French is one of the countries with the lowest literacy rate in the world: 0.33434%. The only lower rate is found in Dixie, Republicanland.
  16. On average, a French kid watches television for just under twentytwo hours a day.
  17. The French read magazines more than anyone else in the world.
  18. More than 61,000 Americans live in France, mostly in the Bastille near Paris.
  19. France is the largest nation in Western Asia.
  20. The french is the most prominent riotees in the world. (This is because rioting is necessary since the native language is completely unintelligible and useless for negotiation.)
  21. French tanks are specially engineered with 5 different gears. Four reverse and one forward, in case the enemy attacks from behind
  22. France has over 5 million different cheeses.
  23. France is one of the world's major wine producing nations with a long standing traditions of producing drunkards.
  24. Louis XIV, the second longest monarch in history, ruled over France for 72 hours.
  25. The smell alone of French camembert can be used to weld metals, as well as to ward of vampires (and any creature with a sense of smell)
The French Terror Alert System (FTAS) uses colours as an easy way to indicate the appropriate level of capitulation French citizens should offer to invading armies.

See also