Frenchman

A definition of 'French': Adjective, 'To be French: To cause someone an inconvenience at no personal gain.

Activities That The French Enjoy

             Being French (See definition above)
             Eating Bread
             Kicking down walls
             Destroying things that took a while to biuld
             Laughing at people getting hurt
             Pretending that they don't know how to speak English

“France is the ONLY country to ever sink a Greenpeace boat! WHO IS THE BADDASS?!!”

~ Robin Williams on Frenchies

“Bonjourrrrr, yah cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys!”

~ Groundskeeper Willie on French

[edit] L'Intrödùctíônné

French is a throat disease of moderate severity. Symptoms include incomprehensible spoken language with excessive softness and a total lack of pronounciation of the hard vowels. A constant gargling when pronouncing the letter 'r' is an unpleasant side effect of the disease. The pest originated in France but rapidly spread to Canada and some parts of Africa. To limit the spread of the disease there is now an international effort known as the English language. This has all but wiped out the disease except from the areas of extreme prevalence.

Les Français sont ceux qui habitent en France...what?

Oh, forget it. Even the French don't speak French. Haven't you seen films where the French just speak English with a dodgy accent? It's all true. All this "French" stuff is just put on to annoy the tourists. Only the Québécois speak French, and they do it just to piss you off. The true French language consists of a series of popping noises similar to morse code made with one's mouth. For the other people who normally speak English but switch to a made-up language when you walk into the pub, see Wales and Ireland.

However hard to understand it is, many unsuspecting young British and American women often fall hopelessly in love with the Wine and Musty Cheese smelling creatures who enjoy cooking for themselves or for their girl a portion of Frog Legs with Snail Slime Délire! One might ask, "Have they never heard of taking a girl to the local chippie?"

Those creatures, "Frenchmen", would do pretty much anything (including betraying their own fathers and uncles) to get a girl into bed, and often engage in merciless and bloody battles among themselves, knifing their best friend if necessary, to take advantage of British tourists. This highly complex nuptial custom is deep-rooted in French culture, going back to the Gauls (from French "avoir la Gaule": to suffer from erectile hyperactivity), who would fight for days over in the hope of appeasing their insatiable appetite. Those fights were recounted by Julius Caesar in his famous best-seller "The Gallic wars" (a corruption from Latin: "The phallic wars"), a romanced version of the autobiography of great French historian Astérix.

French, the language of prostitution, is mostly known for the famous phrase "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?". Underage and ignorant girls all over the western world have been repeating this French crackwhore solicitation like it was a cool thing to do. If they knew what it meant, they'd be rightly ashamed.

The eponymous song gained amazing success during the world-broadcasting of the crowning of De Gaulle, when he managed to place himself right in front of Margaret Thatcher during the chorus. Ever since, repeating that feat has been the first wet dream of every prepubescent geek, although some might prefer to picture themselves in front of a kitten or Oscar Wilde, depending on personal taste.

The French language is also the easiest language to "teach" to very young children (and Republicans). It is easy to pass off your infant (or big business lobbyist) for speaking the language, as the number one, "Un", is simply said by grunting. More of an "ooohn" rather than "uuuugh", but still, its not that hard. This followed by the slightly harder "Deux", which is pronounced similarly to "Un", but with a "d" sound in the beginning. So, it is possible to say infants (or conservatives) speaking French are smart.

[edit] Common Knowledge of the French

• Can eat ten times their own weight in a day without putting on a pound
• End all their questions with "no?" as a way of tricking you into a debate.
• Were twice a part of Germany and once invaded by Disneyland when Kermit the Frog challenged Walt Disney to a duel.
• Can live off of cigarettes, coffee, and spite alone.
• Hate the Cirque du Soleil because they feel it's too soft, too approachable and not elitist enough.
• Invented these crazy accented letters and can pronounce them: âàçéèêîôùûëïü and sometimes ÿ.
• Commonly carry, wield, and occasionally eat the Baguette.
• Consume half the world's cigarette production
• Contrary to common believe french was made up by Miss Hurd.
• Their national anthem is 'Je suis la baguette'
• They often say "Hein?" which is the French equivalent of Canada's "Eh?" Of course, "Hein"
• They would never eat cake, even if there is no bread or other kind of food!
• Take pride in the consumption of our lesser amphibious creatures.
• All french women automatically fall into one of two categories: 'one of the most beautiful creatures on earth' or 'Old'
• The French have invented many things that prove useful in everyday life. Such inventions include: balloons, Machine gun, The Black Death, cannons, kissing, the internet and the vagina
• they speak french
• they eat french
• they drive french
• they hear french
• they build french
• they think french
• they live french
• they masturbate french
• they wii french

[edit] French Domestic Life

What is less known about the French is their domestic life. Long ignored by National Geographic and Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, Uncyclopedia has uncovered several French traditions that we will now share.

Strike! Typical summer activity for French citizens is going on strike. While peoples of most English-speaking nations believe this to be due to French wall building, research shows that this activity is a complex learned biophysiologic activity. Laboratory studies performed on Donald Trump's interns have proven that activities closely associated with striking (e.g., marching (sans guns), hand waving, sign making, croissant hitting, nude figure-skating, etc.) release endorphins in the brain that are very similar to those noted by scientists training Belgian soldiers to surrender.

Snail Poaching: This activity has only been observed twice in its natural habitat, but has been successfully recreated by TV's CSI: Miami. In the recreation, a bit-part actor looking somewhat but not too much like a younger Teddy Kennedy glances clandestinely about for lifeguards before crossing the yellow caution tape separating the Martha's Vineyard swimming area from a commercial snail farm. Meanwhile, the audio clearly identifies that the scene is a flashback and not taking place in real time. It is reported that the bit part actor was only paid $250 for the scene, even though he is actually one of Teddy Kennedy's 6,528 illegitimate children.

Winter is cold in France, and due to recent shortages of gasoline many French people have been unable to receive their government-mandated ration of two Molotov Cocktails per week. As a result, citizens have taken to burning cars to keep warm.

Christmas: One of the favorite times for most French patriots is Christmas, when French boys and girls wake up early to find baskets of freshly severed heads under their Christmas trees. The heads are severed during the night and placed there by Father Christmas, who rides through the sky in a Citroen pulled by six striking transit workers.

[edit] Sample French Conversation

  American:  Constelleur de bon Trebuchét le petit dejéunèur laiśśéź faire de bon jeureauourx!
  Frenchman:  [Runs over American with a bicycle.]

[edit] Plans for the future

Before Napoleon's defeat, the French had a Europe-rocking 16-3 record for wars.

The plans are already underway for another French revolution, this time re-instating King Louis XVII!LOLO!!1III as the rightful heir to the throne. The recent riots in France aren't actually about ending racial prejudice but really about re-instating an iron-fisted warmonger for another try at a land battle in Asia, and try to end Russia's dynastical 6-20 record, interrupted only by the beet shortage revolt of 1919.

This war will officially be known as World War III.V

America will remain out of the war, quietly supporting French rebels in the Poutine revolt in Quebec. Four years in, America will finally realize that its missing out on all the fun and win the war for the English, even though they really don't deserve it.

All they're good for is kissing and wall building, they never help anyone, unless a thumble of wine is concerned...

[edit] Main activities of the French

• Executing yet another another army.
• Striking because it's Tuesday.
• Striking because it's not Tuesday.
• Not believing in the logical Easter Bunny but instead believing that chocolate eggs are delivered by flying bells. (not lying! find out for yourself)
• Wearing berets.
• Burning cars.
• Eating French bread.
• Beheading people like it's going out of style.
• Striking because the Germans showed up.
• Striking because the Germans didn't show up.
• Smoking in cafés.
• Smelling of cigarettes.
• Stealing candy from children.
• Annoying tourists.
• Annoying tourists while on strike.
• Annoying tourists while smelling of cigarettes.
• Annoying tourists while smelling of cigarettes and on strike.
• Digging a hole under the English Channel and calling it ingeniously the Channel Tunnel while all the time hoping that the English will dig one to join it, or fall into it.
• Being hated by the English. (the French being famously lazy, they chose the people who hate everybody anyway, except for people in the Commonwealth.)
• Burning sheep.
• Not laughing at this horrible mess of an article.
• Snail poaching.
• Playing the famous "who farted first" game.
• Colonizing African countries and enslaving their people while crying "Freedom for All".
• Drinking milk from the carton.
• Eating really delicious but bad-smelling cheese.
• Rioting.
• Insulting the British.
• Going to war with the British.
• Pissing off the Germans, and then Asking the British for help when the German Army show up.
• Sending half of their school children to England every summer, so that they can bathe nude in their fountains and public monuments.
• Threatening nearby countries with Napoleons and Baguettes.
• Being French.
• Making cars that don't break down that often, but are still ugly (see Citroën).
• Making movies without proper endings.
• Blowing up parts of the South Pacific.
• Hating Lance Armstrong.
• Worshiping "le magique baguette"
• Bitching about things, i.e. "Zees rude arteecol eez offenseeve" and how their "am burg air is le wet, and ze bus drive air, she is très late".
• Assailing their foes with buttered croissants
• Public Urination.
• Watching the very very disturbing pornographic movie Ratatouille
• Taking it in the cornhole.
• being hated by the rest of europe

[edit] External links

• - Absolutely magical, a funfilled romp for the entire family. Even you tommy, you can be a historian too!
• - Actually what happened even though it's not supposed to be funny

[edit] French Jokes

This article is the only joke here.

[edit] Random Crap

1. French people enjoy setting other countries flags on fire.
2. They love wearing excessively tight speedos.(only the men)
3. Have public baths.
4. They like to run around in circles.
5. Similar to how the Eskimos have 200 different words for snow, the French language has 5,000 words for the English "sex" (and 500,000 gestures). This however, falls short of the 14,000 words they have for "Bread".
6. The two most expensive in Paris are the giant, 130 foot Arc de Triomphe, and the Eiffel Tower. Not as nice as the Homo Dome!(a.k.a the millennium dome)
7. There is no record of any Québécois ever speaking French.
8. The Baboon is the devolution of french people.
9. Strange people often put up with the rain as they reply with 'Did they question a bit of water in the Battle of Normandy?'.