Friend

"Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."

~ Roscar Wilde fucker on Friend

The term "friend" refers to the subset of one's acquaintances to whom the friend criteria apply. Friend criteria vary from individual to individual and are by no means universal within a given demographic group. The consequences of membership of the friend set (also known as friendship bonuses) also vary. Below is a selection of friend criteria and friendship bonuses. Any given individual may use one or more of this list in selecting their friends and deeming what to do to them.

Friendship Criteria

Below are some rules which people may use to determine whether somebody they know is a "friend".

• Would I trust this person with money?
• Does this person class me as a "friend"?
• Has this person's behaviour indicated sincerity?
• Would I dive in front of a flying bullet for this person?
• If I was drowning, would this person attempt to save me?
• Is this person likely to lend me money?
• Does this person have an attractive spouse?
• Can this person play the drums?
• Did I sleep with this person last night?
• Were they any good?
• Does this person have a rich father?
• Is this person black or jewish?
• Did this person add my MSN?
• Does this person lie compulsively in a humourous manner?
• Does this person have a ready supply of weed?

Friendship Bonuses

Below are some of the things one can offer an individual as a result of their being deemed a "friend".

• Lending of money
• Access to the loins of an attractive spouse
• Cake
• Only being kicked in the face when one really deserves it
• "Mates' Rates" at place of work
• Sex (And if gay sex, keeping mouth shut is a major bonus)
• A painless death

See Also

• Your own friends

• Friend wuz here

• Please be my friend

• You wish