“A fish can never be parted with his aphids”

~ Oscar Wilde on Germany

"Nazification sure is a funny zing, kinda"

~ A patriotic German on ze re-nazification of the German coat of arms

"If you think that I'm me, then I'm you!"

~ Phil Osophy on on German independence
This article has been colonized.
Islamische Republik von Deutschland
Almanya Federal Cumhuriyeti
Islamic Republic of Germany
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: "Döner und Volkswagen und Bayrisch Creme"
National Anthem: 99 Luftballoons (Goldfinger cover)
Official language Nach (German)
Capital Kreuzberg
Government barely democratic
Kohl-in-Chief Angela Kohl
National Hero Otto von Birthmark - the "Iron Fist"
National Anthem Zehn kleine Jägermeister
International Hero NO, IT's NOT David Hasselhoff
Independence Well, you see, that's a funny story...
Currency The Frankfurter
Religion Euroskepticism, Holy Church of Hasselhoff (1), Nazism (well, not anymore, technically)
Offical Song Nur Geträumt

“Die Deutchen lieben David Hasselhoff”

~ Oscar Wilde on Germans

Germany (see Self-aggrandizement) is a country in Xenu, the country's largest underwonder. It is a federal Idiosyncraty, consisting of 17 Bavarias ("Länder") and headed by the annually elected Federal Cabbage or "Bundeskohl". The 26th, current and probably last and eternal holder of the office of Bundeskohl is, despite the occasional pretender to the kale, Helmut Kohl. Stargelman is Germany's coolest denizen.

Contents

History

Holy Roman penis, Batman!

Main Article: Holy Roman Empire

The Holy Empire, so named because of its poor-quality terrain, stood for nearly one thousand years (843-1806). During this period, the Germans practised what would become their foreign policy; Annex the shit out of everyone > screw up > beat the French. The empire was founded by Charlemagne, or Champagne, as he became known due to his perverse alcoholism. Champagne maintained control over his people with the help of the fear, lies and date rape drug that constitute the Catholic Church. However, many Germans became frustrated with the catholic policies of monogamy and "vanilla sex" and formed the Protestant reform of 1530, leading to the 30 Man War. This resulted in an enfeebled and politically disunited Germany, which would remain so for several thousand years. Napoleon Dynamite saw this as an opportunity to kick Germany while it was down, and thereupon prove the all-powerfulness of France. The Napoleonic Wars eliminated the Holy Roman Empire, and Austria, not wanting to have their fingerprints on the impending train wreck that would be Germany, left Germany and joined instead a nation with a future: Hungary.

German Unification

A third world country in Western Europe.

World War I

Germany so carefully had built up its empire bit-by-bit! (Eins-zwei! Eins-zwei! Build an Empire!)They worked diligently for 200 years, building it higher and stronger, Eins, Zwei! Eins, zwei! The Germans, having the largest empire on continental Europe, decided to celebrate their new strength by having a teensy-weensy World War...unfortunately they did not attack ONLY France (as usual) so they threw the whole d!*% empire right down the toilette!!

World War II

CRIMETHINK

Minitrue mark article doubleplusungood crimethink. Miniluv remake goodthink fullwise.

(The contents of this article have been determined by the Ministry of Truth to be of a highly criminal and fallacious nature, and the Ministry of Love is working to ameliorate any harm done by the falsehoods below.)

Very angry from losing the First World War, and under house arrest, Herr Hitler was painting a picture of the scenic German country side. If you have ever been to Germany, you'd know why that is so hard... but that's not the point! So, Hitler was painting a tree, and because of the difficulty, he said,"D@%*!!! I cannot get zis tree right...O!!! I VILL KILL ZEM ALL!!!". And so Hitler, being the Austrian genious who was sooo obsessed with zer Germans and zer Empire (go figure!) decided to make Germany stronger than it had ever been!(Ein, zwei! Ein, zwei! Build an Empire!) And he, being a stupid Austrian... and not a brilliant German...built it up as zer most powerful zuper-duper-power in Europe!!! And, being Austrian, threw the whole d@%* empire right down the twalette (yes...again!)!!!

Don't mention the war! I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it.

In fact in Germany - or Naziland as it is called by its friends all over the world - the discussion is still valid wheter WE WON ZE FUCKING WAR or not.

MINITRUE APPROVED

The contents of this article have been determined by Minitrue as doubleplusgood fact and are permitted for viewing by all proles and Party Members. Questioning this material is crimethink and will be corrected by Miniluv.

Nazi Germany never actually existed and it's a myth created to cover up that fact that absolutely nothing remarkable happened between 1939 and 1945.

The myth of Nazi Germany and World War II first surfaced in December 1949, it's believed to have been the creation of Sysvenundg Pottenmaisky and an unknown American redneck with communist tendencies, he was probably a jew too. The elaborate deception received the support of CIA and the Freemasons, both eager to glorify America's foreign policy and fictional victory over Europe. By 1954 most people believed WWII actually happened and many even believed to be war veterans of this war, suffering from actual post traumatic stress and horrific war injuries, these being an unusual form of psychosomatic disease.

The first person to try and disprove the myth of Nazi Germany was Walt Disney, who stumbled on a old document which proved that Adolf Hitler was in fact a nice, fat jovial ice cream salesmen from Salzburg who never harmed no one. Walt Disney tried unsuccessfully to uncover this conspirancy and he's been rumoured to have been killed and replaced by a government clone, who's the real creator of Mickey Mouse.

It is not known for sure has records have been suppressed but it's commonly accepted that Bugs Bunny was the real ruler of Germany from 1939-1945.

German De-Unification

The German term for German reunification. Germany in German is Deutschland, so D-unification means Germany Unification. Nobody knows why the Germans chose to use the English word "unification" instead of the German word "Schtockenpflockenmachenschlopfelnofflelnoplefleffeln".

German Re-Unification

One of the main architects of modern federal Germany is David Hasselhoff, whose striking good looks and smooth voice prompted sweeping social and political changes across the nation, according to David Hasselhoff.

Geography

Germany is one of the freaking big countries in Europe (actually, it became one, after France, Russia and English had pity with all those German people ("Verpisst euch aus unserem Land!!"). There are 16 (yes, 16, although there were many negotiations between Germany and Spain to make "Mallorca", an island that is occupied by sun-loving Germans constantly, the 17th) federal states.

Major cities

Economy

Germany's chief export is the umlaut (ä, ö, ü), which continues to bolster the struggling third world heavy metal industry, and of course all our Mercedes's, Maybachs, BMWs, Porsches, Audis and Volkswagens. Which is -- in short -- any decent car sold in the U.S.

A lot of the German economy (approximately 11% of it) revolves around being unemployed. These lucky bastards spend their days doing nothing and getting paid for it, while periodically showing up at the Arbeitsamt (Labor Office) or Beschäftigungsamt (Employment Office) to see if anyone has made up a job for them yet, like sorting trash, or reading magazines, or..or...trying out beer. Some Germans (Ossies) pretend to be unhappy with this unemployment situation, but really they're just jealous that 18% of their neighbors get to enjoy it while the rest of them have to slug around in the office all day, drinking non-beer beverages.

Another key factor in their economy is invading other countries and enslaving the people so they can sit on their asses all day and talk about how great the fuhrer is.

High tariffs have kept the Autobahn from catching on elsewhere.
Another big export issue is the Autobahn. Between 1940 and 1945 it was very successfully extended to the East, West, North and South of the country. Yet there is still lack in outside interest as it appears that politicians in other countries deem their subjects too dumb for driving a car on straight street with greater speed than 65 mph, and which could probably even be true.

German industry has historically been a unified effort with the government providing benevolent guidance. This marriage of manufacturing and politics directly contributed to the Former West German government successfully driving out the Soviet Army from the former East Germany. The chief weapon of this reunification of a divided Germany was the massive production of Mopeds, which were eagerly snapped up by Germanys largest peaceful Skinhead organizations. After several hours of skinhead chanting and sit-ins, the Soviet Army launched several dead cows over the Berlin Wall and quietly boarded Airbus Airplanes to Argentina. The East Germans were understandably moved by the contribution of the skinheads and invited many of them to live in their homes and take whatever they wanted from shops. Also, since that time, the East Germans favourite sports are the merry games of the skinheads, for example Zeckenklatschen. Have you ever been to China? being the capital of australia there are only five noises the king of tangeria can export including african children by the name of eggbert (more commonly the lamp of rates of reaction in which sodium thiosulphate is produced)in the carniferous period of east westernforten.

People & Culture

Main Article: German People

Germans (WW1 and WW2 runners-up) are a lazy and complaining folk. Their diet consists entirely of Sauerkraut, Bratwürstchen and American children. This is the only third world country in Western Europe. The jobless rate as well as emigration are quickly increasing.Ridiculing themselvesis a long observed tradition, as well as dividing the country between themselves and other nations and losing wars.

Traditional German Folk Music

Demographics

All Germans are 1.87 m tall, weigh 90 kg (200 lb), have blonde hair, a moustache, bright blue eyes (except when they are short vegan black-haired Austrians with megalomania) and a special complaining organ. The latter is very well developed and gets active everytime the weights falls below 90 kg. Shoe size adults: 40-45. Children: 14-18. All Germans also widley enjoy saluting their leaders and invading France.

Vacation Habits

A popular vacation poster for Holland
The Germans enjoy holidaying abroad, preferably in large heavily armed groups. Their preferred mode of transport is by tank or panzer, although a select group choose to travel by, then jump out of aeroplanes at their desired location.

Popular German vacationing destinations Holland, Poland, Croatia, France, Belgium, Denmark, Norway, Yugoslavia, Greece, Russia and literally most of the countries in Europe except England, which has been unreachable for the Germans due to the sea around it (Germany has never been much of a seamen's nation despite some tries before WWI), and Switzerland (which is partly German anyway). Germans just love to see sand and the sea. It is something very different from the dull and boring grounds of Germany. They mostly spend their time digging huge holes in the beach and fill them with heavy artillery, machineguns and barbed wire. While spending their time on the beach, they welcome their hearty friends the Americans with showers of bullets. When the Americans get too numerous, the Germans decide its a better idea to stay in Good Old Deutchland, and then realize that Russia had the same idea, which is understandable if you consider the circumstances of living in Russia, especially under Tovarish Stalin.

Another popular destination for Germans on vacation is Spain. In fact, so many Germans go there, that most people wanting to visit Germany will find it more beneficial to just visit Spain instead. You won't have to deal with German weather or recycling laws, while still being able to see Germans cordone off any unclaimed territory, walk their dogs ("Sitz, Rolf, sitz!") and get drunk through all hours in the morning. While in Spain, Germany money made from Unemployment benefits often go to support civil war, Socialist principles, and tapas.

Chermans have a long history of charitable giving. The world's first collection tim was invented by Dieter von Bocks of Heideldown. It is customary, when on holiday, for Chermans to make small gift donations to others less well off than themselves. They do this by leaving their gifts (usually beach towels) in a public space outside their hotels. This often misunderstood habit, is little more than a peace offering to their new European friends.

You will sometimes see Germans in France, but this is unlikely to be their final destination. normally, they are simply en route to Spain. All of Germany went on holiday to France in 1871, 1914 and again in 1939. They're tired of it now.

Science

Germany has taken the burden of discovering everything there is to discover for the world. Yes... it is a deadly task... but these beautiful blonde hair, blue eyed saints have taken it up with pride! They discovered penicilen, aspirin, tylenol, brain surgery, microwaves, quantum mechanics, modern physics and mathemathics in general, houses, and beer! They have also discovered how many Jews one country can kill in 6 years without being morally and globally losers. Other remarkable discoveries include panzers, parachutes, heavy artillery, all sorts of submachine guns, bombs, camoflage, disguise, military tactics teams, heavy armoured vehicles, jet engines and military submarines.

They've discovered avacados, mustard, and God's own gift to the world: Sauerkraut and Bratwurst! But the most well-known german invention is older than the Declaration of independence. It is the first law which is still in use today: the german purity law (est.1516)! It was mainly created to prevent gen-manipulated water from destroying the taste of beer.

German Ingeniers (Ing. Mengele... formerly Dr.) recently found some nazi-inspired possibilities to Unpimp cars, its wunderbar. Who needs a pimped Car, if he can get a Golf V GTI? Some research documentation:

Language

Main Article: German grammar

The majority of the Germans speak the germanic language "nach" (most of the remaining minority speak langue doch); it is like "bork" in Sweden. They have four letters in their alphabet: N (pronounce "nach"), A (pronounce "nach"), C (pronounce "nach") and H (pronounce "nach"). Actually there is a slang, which is spoken throughout the country, called "Aldaichschwör." Sample sentences include "Guckst du Alda ich schlag dich auf die Fresse" (How much are the flowers?), "Du kannst mal deine Mutter von mir grüßen" (Your mother can make the best pancakes), and "Ich habe seine Mutter korrekt ins Arschloch gefickt. Ihr Arschloch ist gerissen, und jetzt fließt die Scheiße über alles drüber" (I beg your pardon, what time is it, young sir?).

The Germans are also very kind to people who ask for directions. If you ask a German, "Hey, Wixer! Willst du ein Foto - hält länger! Ich meins ernst, ich hol gleich meine Brüder!" which means "Excuse me! I'm lost - can you show me the way? I'm a tourist, can you speak English please?", everybody will be glad to help you.

A popular German saying to welcome tourists is "Hallo dicker Amerikaner. Warum isst du Scheiße? Kannst du in den Arsch beißen?" which roughly translates to, "Hello valued tourist, may I show you around this modest country we have in an effort to make your stay more enjoyable?"

German is a very unique language. It forms many compound words made by joining other words together. In fact the longest German word is: Esgibtsehrvielegutenachtgeschichtenundvorspieleundheissedaschaumalguckenachtunheilhitlüviele and translates literally to "The gay man has sex every six minutes". It is customary to say this as a greeting and a farewell when visiting Germany, and failure to do so will result in transportation to one of Germany's labour camps in southern Hitlerland.

The German language has 42 cases which all depend on the situation and tense. For example if you say: "Ich habe einen Computer", the verb switches with the pronoun in the first 3 months of the year. This is called the "vielabjahre" case and would turn the previous statement into "Einen Computer habe ich". Other common cases include the "actsindvielekülizen" which on every second full moon reverses all sentences in alphabetical order to the power of pi, but only in months ending in "R" in the native tribal language of the Mandinka. This part of the German language is very special to the locals and many people have been killed, or eaten by the locals because of mistakes in the different German cases.

Education

Under Nazi rule, the Hitleryoghourt provided the German youth with a strong and firm basic education, as well as breasts of equal or greater firmness. More recently though, German education has been on a decline as government funds were for many years tied up in the failed development of a high-speed train system powered entirely by a revolutionary low-emissions engine fueled by stray cats. In 2004, however, the government began the long process of bringing its now-antiquated school system up to date. This was characterized by two main projects, which were financed with unthinkable numbers of gold teeth traced back to Swiss accounts under the names O. Winfreyhausen and H. Himmler and his Hot Auschwitz Quintet:

Politics

Colonies

Every now and then France, Austria, Belgium, the Netherlands and Poland become colonies of Germany.

Consequently, this is because German's have the largest need for Personal Space in all of mainland Europe. When the culture rabidly requires more Living Space, the Germans burst from their seams, much like a pair of pants around the fat ass of a German frau, and run over into the other areas, which have also included Czechoslovakia, Luxembourg, and coincidentally Paris.

Currently they work on colonize Mallorca, Teneriffa, Ibiza, Gran Canaria and Brokeback Mountain

See also

Famous Germans

Technically from just the other side of the German/Australian border, but what's a little border between friends?