"Grue" is also the name of a band look, see!


This is not a Grue.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called-experts at Wikipedia have an article about: Grue (monster).
This is, however. OMG, RUN!!!!!

"I'm going to fucking bury that guy. I have done it before, and I will do it again. I'm going to fucking kill the shit out of that grue."

~ Steve Ballmer on Grue

“If you're close enough to photograph a grue, all you'll see is a stupid question like "[RESTART, RESTORE OR QUIT?]"”

— Murphy's Law

“God accidentally created the grue when he was trying to splice together the genes of Ray Romano and a sixty-four pound pat of butter. It didn't take.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Grue

A grue (Monsteromicius ravenousi) is a box-shaped gap-toothed mammal known for eating discarded detergent bottles and humans, though more recently they have been known to kill certain lone wolves, construction workers, a gerbil or two, the occasional monkey, your pets, and...well, Grues like eating a lot of things. Grues are not often seen roaming the wilderness in herds, whistling old-time Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen. This is because grues live in total darkness, so the whole "seeing" thing would be kind of hard to do. The likelihood of being eaten by a grue is probably non-zero. Grue cannot be killed with guns, nukes, lasers, the Pope, Jesus, Satan, Vishnu, lemons, croissants, dubs, scented candles, chocolate cake, dentists, democrats, Karl Marx, Ben Affleck, the IRS, blackjack dealers, swordsYes, but only by the dreaded SWASII or Slaxe, axes, lollipos, Dick Cheney, Trix, pretzels, lances, ninjas, pirates, ninja-piratesyes they can!, Tony Blair, SpongeBob SquarePants, Hummer H2s, 50 Cent, porn, or cheesy poofs. Even your mom can't kill grues, owing to the fact that your mom is a grue, and would most likely eat you. Attempting to use any above in Grue-slaying will result in you being eaten by the grue, or raped viciously and frequently by Mother Theresa, a known advocate for grue civil rights. Another method usable for Grue-slaying is the Anti-comma, although it will not only destroy the grue but asplode the hell out of anything within 5 miles, thus not being very useful. Also, a method once tried for Grue-slaying is another Grue, but you should look at this table.

Best-case scenario

is the grues kill each other, which is damn near impossible.

Next-best-case scenario

is your Grue kills the other one and eats you. You're dead, but at least you killed a grue.

Worse-case scenario

is the other Grue kills the your Grue and eats you. You're dead, and your Grue got their butt kicked.

Worst-case scenario

is both Grues realize they've been tricked, then they team up and eat you. You're dead, and you were betrayed by your own Grue.

Grues are also thought to be message board trolls, using computers with LEDs ripped out and LCDs with no backlights. This makes computers unusable to anyone but a grue, as grues require total darkness and also has the advantage that other people can't read over your shoulder.

This is how most Grues look in the half-second before they eat you.

The only known weapon effective against a grue is extreme sarcasm. This in itself is almost as dangerous as a Grue.

It is widely believed that all emeralds are grues, but in fact, all emeralds are bleen.

There are an estimated 47 grue left in the United States today due to the Grue conservation program - luckily all grue are kept under heavy rocks, or locked away in abandoned biker bars. Of course, being creatures of darkness that tend to eat anything they can get within range of, these numbers are likely inaccurate, outdated, or simply made up by the same people who tell us that pretty much everything causes cancer.

The game of Zork consists entirely of being repeatedly eaten by a grue.

" Grue? Of course I knew him, that rat fuck bastard owes me ten bucks!"

~ A drunken hobo on grues

"A grue is here."

~ Oscar Wilde on grues

Natural Habitat

The natural habitat of Grues.

Grues can be found in all the dark places of the world, your mom's cookie jar, for example. They also have been found in your basement and under the bed of bad little children who don't brush their teeth or eat their vegetables. It is believed that they originally lived on the second moon of Earth, named Ghr'ew, before it was eaten by Oprah. The Grues living there were then deported by several international videogame companies, including but not limited to Sony, Microsoft, Macdonald's and Microsoft. This was a rash move on their part, and often critizilizised by third parties as being, "way out of whack, man".

Grue Subspecies

While not as square or deadly as their adult counterparts, baby Grues should never be handled.

There is one subspecies of grue. The rare Russian Grue can be killed by almost anything, and is common prey for oxen, weeds, cow tongues, sand castles, and lawyers.

"In Soviet Russia, Grue is likely to be eaten by YOU!!"

~ Russian Reversal on Grues

Though not technically a subspecies,"grue" is also a type of paste used exclusively in Japan (popularly manufactured by "Ehrmers".)

How to Deal With a Grue

The grue crossing signs proved an effective way to prepare drivers for an encounter.
  • Die.
  • Scream and die.
  • Scream, struggle, and die.
  • Scream, struggle, shit yourself, and die.
  • Scream, run, shit yourself, and die.
  • Scream, run, shit yourself, look at a picture of Michael Jackson, and die.
  • Recite every line of Moby Dick in Italian. Grues love the Italian language, so it will subdue them for awhile. Of course when you are done reading, the grue will still eat you.
  • Sing one of Michael Bolton's classic songs. Grues hate Michael Bolton. Of course they will still eat you, but you can have the satisfaction of having irritated a grue.
  • Drink a glass of milk; 2.6% of grue are lactose intolerant, safe in the knowlege that the Grue will get diarrhea when it finally gets round to eating you, which is very quickly.
  • Use extreme sarcasm.
  • Build a sandcastle. It won't help at all, and you will be eaten, but it is a fun activity.
  • Cast Frotz. This only works for wizards, enchanters, and other magically-enabled people.
  • DON'T WANDER AROUND IN THE DARK, YOU MORON! Alternatively, light your torch.
  • It is a little known fact that Grues like hearing haikus. Therefore reciting a haiku to a grue will extend your life by 17 syllables.
  • Wrap a towel around your head. Although the grue will still eat you, it will make the postprandial cleanup easier. Plus, if you have telepathy you will be able to see the grue while it eats you.
  • Yell for your mum over and over again until you die.

One example of how to deal with Grues is shown here.

Some people recommend turning on the lights, as according to the legend this will cause the grue to 'melt away.' Clearly this course of action is futile and should not be undertaken by any means. For a start, it is logically impossible for a creature to 'melt away' on exposure to light; notwithstanding, the Great Ice Creature of Neptune. Furthermore, as shown by Darwin, only mutated Grues which can survive light will survive, and eventually only these mutant Grues will be left, thus leaving the human populace with no weaponry to take them down. It is how ever possible to kill a Grue with a Republican, as they usually carry guns and love hunting. A T.V. can cause a Grue to melt away as they are allergic to non-natural sounds.

Try throwing a small child to it, in a desperate attempt to escape.

Sacrifice yourself to a Grue today so your children can melt them tomorrow!

“A grue is here now. I am writing a haiku. Please go away, grue.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Grue


Another alternative is to move to Russia. In Soviet Russia, YOU eat Grue! It should be noted, however, that the Russian Grue is a subspecies of the common Grue.

“In Soviet Russia, Grue is considered to be a delicacy!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Grue as food


Could a Grue Totally Kick Jesus' Ass?

A much-debated question, naturally. The answer, of course, is yes. While Original Jesus was a total insurrectionist and loved a good fight, Regular Jesus is a complete pacifist and would totally be eaten (assuming the Grue had made a confession first, of course). Chances are, however, that Jesus would simply teleport out of the Grue's stomach, laugh, and walk across a large body of water, leaving the Grue to eat a hapless traveler. In any case, Jesus is one with the Force, so it is a pointless question. If we're talking about Ultimate Jesus, well that's a whole different story.

Grue and other names

Some also know grues as "Domo-kun", due to parody site Wikipedia's Domo-kun article.

See Also

Articles eaten by Grue

  • Flying Pizzianity
  • Zork
This article is likely to be eaten by a grue. I suggest you run like hell or use extreme sarcasm before it eats you too.


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