"I know YOU are trying to assasinate me."

~ Hugo Chavez on Vin Diesel

"It's that wart of his."

~ Oscar Wilde on Hugo Chavez

"Is it just me, or does Hugo Chavez look like that Chakotay guy on Star Trek: Voyage? I think that's why I like him. He's so sexy!"

~ Cindy Sheehan on Hugo Chavez

"Hugo Chavez is a huge chav."

~ Oscar Wilde on Hugo Chavez

Hugo Chávez (should be pronounced "HYUE-go sha-VEZ" to piss of Spanish speakers; IPA /'hjugo ʃa'vez/) is the head of the marketing department of Venezuela. An accomplished rap artist and former gay lover of Pat Robertson, Chavez holds several awards for excellence in rhetorical bitch-slapping, in the year of 1998, he was democratically elected to be president of Venezuela forever. God also gave him the mission to be the king of all the Andes territories but Uribeitor did not allow that because he had the support of the people from Colombia and Pat Robertson.

Chavez is also known as the reincarnation of Simon Bolivar, or Simon Bolivar V (El Quinto), His most important friends can be found in Fidel Castor, Mickey Mouse the Great dictator of Disneyland, Tux, Eee-rak and all over the deadly continent of Euthenasia. History is not clear as to whether Chavez was an important figure in the Five-Day War, by not selling oil to the Pirates of the Caribbean.

It has been the intention of the United States to assassinate Chavez since 1941. However, Chavez' wily tricks and councelship from his alto pana, the gangsta hiphopper K-stro, have always outsmarted George W. Bush and his line of always thinking-too-fast ancestors. In the past Chavez has narrowly avoided numerous falling pianos, anvils, boulders, as well as sticks of TNT and 19th century blunderbluss blasts.

Proper Handling of Hugo Chavez