"Humans make nutritious treats for the Megafelis!"

~ Cthulhu on Humans

“Quite unpleasant fellows if I do say so myself.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Humans

" Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. They're a plague."

~ Agent Smith on Humans

" A mistake, humans were. The worst invention ever, humans were."

~ Yoda on Humans
Mine's bigger.^

Millions of years ago, long before our arrival on this fair planet from some dim galactic pus-pocket, a primitive group of clever barbarians, the humans, inhabited this world.


Humans (pronounced as HEW-mins), also known as meatcicles, are a race of subterrainean animals which thrive off of the nuclear radiation produced by the Backward Girls. They thought that they were the third most intelligent species on the planet, after Mice and Dolphins but were actually some of the most stupid species in the galaxy.

At first, humans were thought to be merely the servants of a far furrier, more intelligent species, the felines. Some have, in recent time, suggested that this was not the case.

Master Humanologist Phonne Loob has been quoted as saying, "To assume humans to be slaves to so intelligent an entity as the pre-historic feline would be to doubt the inherent sense of equality and infinite wisdom characterised by its species. The feline would not allow itself to have slaves. Felines were probably more like gods to humans."

Archaeological evidence suggests these creatures possessed at least three arms apiece and walked around with nothing but woven animal and plant fibres to protect them from the 4 Billion Year Blizzard of Poisonous Scorpions. It has also recently come to light that these humans met their demise in one of four possible ways, known, collectively, as the Theories of Human Demise.

Contents

Speculation

The big G-man, in his bearded wisdom, created the humans from a cardboard box, a rubber band, a remote control, a nuclear bomb, and magic. Then, just for kicks, he Grinchishly snuck into every science classroom in the Blue States Whoville and replaced the class cross with a bunch of textbooks about evolution. Christians began hating Liberals for being sacreligious, Liberals began hating Conservatives for being too Christian, Christians began hating Conservatives for being too war-hungry, Conservatives and Liberals teamed up to hate Christians for being too old-fashioned, Conservatives and Christians teamed up to hate Liberals for being too new-fashioned, Liberals and Christians teamed up to hate Conservatives for being too old-fashioned...again, all three teamed up to hate everyone else for daring to be different, all four groups shot every other group they hated, and every human on Earth ended up dying. Oh, wait, that doesn't happen till next week...I shouldn't have said that...uh, forget all that.

History of Humans

It all began when the first two humans, Adam and Steve, sprung forth in the virgin emptiness.

After this amazing feat of creation magic the Jews were formed. The Jews began out of the deep sea with two of every animal and a babbling tower.

Soon after the babbling tower fell the English got angry at the French and the Pope was created to keep peace with the two opposing forces. This made the Hamburger Raspberry Entree (HRE) angry and they assassinated the pope and took over France, effecting in the Mad Cow Disease.

Meanwhile the Jews flew to America and created a grand Nation of Mutated sentences called Capitalists.

These Capitalists decided that even though the French were stuck up holes in the wall they would overthrow the HRE's power and call it Germany. Germans of course like this and soon elected a new leader when the bubble popped in 1929.

Hitler, an art flunky, immediately accepted this role of world dominatrix and began to party all over the Polish. Once again the Capitalists intervened and began the cold war after the over throw of Hitler in the winter of 1946. As a side note, the cold war was named for the temperature of Ben Affleck's feet prior to his wedding with Matt Damon, which was a contemporaneous event.

Soon summer came and it was no longer cold but became hot so every one went to the beach and fought over the perfect spot. This fight became the Gulf War, which now has been re-termed the Bush war because of newly discovered oil bearing bushes on A Rock.


Major Problem

Humans have, or had, or might be having (depends on where in time you are when reading), a major problem. Most of them are unhappy for pretty much most of the time.

Many solutions have been suggest for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.

And so the problem has remains- lots of people are mean, and most are miserable.

And then one Thursday, nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, a girl sitting in a small cafe in a Rickmansworth suddenly realized what had been going wrong the whole time and realized how everyone could be happy, but before she could make it to the phone, the world blew up.

It is believed, however, that the way to make everyone happy had something to do with shamelessly plagiarizing a certain popular author. There is unfortunately very little evidence to support this.

Diet

Chiefly grains, insects, Flesh Eating Bovines and small rodents. Humans are lazy and usually don't make attempts on large predators, but they can and sometimes do, with lethal efficiency.

In fact, humans are vicious predators, and with the assistance of such devices as the "Sharps .45-70", have been able to kill even lions, tigers, Flesh Eating Bovines and bears from a distance of 500 yards--even though their impressively powerful bite would be quite enough. Most humans don't actually eat bears, but they pride themselves in being able to kill them and make fun of each other for attempting to do so with undersized weapons.

Cloning

By design, humans are born with a need to be able to, or at least say they've been able to, clone stuff. It could be anything, it doesn't matter. All humans are drawn towards this need, oddly enough, the smart ones even more so than the dumber ones. Cloning of humans has produced positive results over the past three years, so much that Chief Provost Niran Doyle promises a fresh, healthy human in every home by next August.

Humans evolved on planet Earth and their closest domestic relative is a virus. Their closest universal relative is The Roswell Grey.

By design, humans are born with a need to be able to, or at least say they've been able to, clone stuff. It could be anything, it doesn't matter. All humans are drawn towards this need, oddly enough, the smart ones even more so than the dumber ones. Cloning of humans has produced positive results over the past three years, so much that Chief Provost Niran Doyle promises a fresh, healthy human in every home by next August.

Humans evolved on planet Earth and their closest domestic relative is a virus. Their closest universal relative is The Roswell Grey.

By design, humans are born with a need to be able to, or at least say they've been able to, clone stuff. It could be anything, it doesn't matter. All humans are drawn towards this need, oddly enough, the smart ones even more so than the dumber ones. Cloning of humans has produced positive results over the past three years, so much that Chief Provost Niran Doyle promises a fresh, healthy human in every home by next August.

Humans evolved on planet Earth and their closest domestic relative is a virus. Their closest universal relative is The Roswell Grey.

By design, humans are born with a need to be able to, or at least say they've been able to, clone stuff. It could be anything, it doesn't matter. All humans are drawn towards this need, oddly enough, the smart ones even more so than the dumber ones. Cloning of humans has produced positive results over the past three years, so much that Chief Provost Niran Doyle promises a fresh, healthy human in every home by next August.

Humans evolved on planet Earth and their closest domestic relative is a virus. Their closest universal relative is The Roswell Grey.

Predators

There is only one natural predator of the human that is still in existence today: the Flesh Eating Bovine (this includes flesh eating bacteria, a subspecies of the Flesh Eating Bovine). Humans are often preyed upon by these creatures, and are their natural enemy. However, this is not a typical predator-prey relationship, where one species predominantly feeds upon the other. A more appropriate description of this relationship would be predator-predator, in which there are two different species of predators that feed upon each other. Humans are the only natural predator of Flesh Eating Bovines. This results in a somewhat unique struggle for power, with Humans and Flesh Eating Bovines vying to enslave and devour the flesh of each other.

Large Things built by Humans

Some of the largest things humans have built include:

Human Race

The Human Race is held every other Saturday in Paris, France. It is an international competition for mammals (including ninjas), which set up their humans and ride them around a 2 km track. One, who crosses the finish line first after 30 laps, is the winner.

Famous human racers include Jeb the Horse, Guinea Pig and Mandingo.

Legality

Humans are a controlled substance, and Human Trafficking is a serious crime. In recent years, a number of human rights advocates have sought to legalize humans for medicinal purposes, but this is widely considered to be a bad idea. Humans are highly addictive, toxic, and extremely dangerous. If you see one, report it to the authorities immedeately.

Mega Recipe: Young Male Child

Feeds: 1 family of cannibals

1)You'll need to buy some good meat from the butchers. I prefer a puppy labrador's tail, as they smell the nicest, but any will do. Then you need to find some great snails. The best come imported from France, but you can find some big juicy ones all over the street outside after a big rainstorm. Then for the slugs. It is a firm popular belief that the mollusk-type slugs work best, but I stand by using M1A1D Abrams Main Battle Tank Slugs, as they have a nicer colour.

2)After you have got your meat, you'll need to pour it into a giant test-tube. Then, use your home DNA extracting kit to takeout the Deoxribonucleaic Acid from your hair. Afterwards, put the DNA into the test-tube and let the whole thing simmer under a bunsen-burner on a luminous flame.

3)When you come back, you should have a fully-working young male human, but it is best to flavour with soy sauce

4)Enjoy!


Subspecies

Some types of humans include: