IPod

The title of this article begins with a lowercase letter.

“iPods are a marvelous fruit, the most marvelous fruit I know. Their smell recalls the living rain, their taste the freshest snow.”

~ Oscar Wilde on iPod

"iPod is the opiate of the masses."

~ Karl Marx on iPod

" KNEEL BEFORE iPOD!"

~ Zod on iPod

iPod therefore iAm

~Rene Descartes on iPod

The iPod iS merely a construct of the mind, much like Rene Fusco that endlessly screams iN the foreign language known only to mole people as "Music." The most distinctive feature of the iPod iS the fact that iT iS iNternally programmed to kill babies. Although on the market for years, the iPod reached marketing prominence when used as a wizardly pleasure prop iN the screen adaptation of the X-rated best-selling book Harry Potter and the Portal of Secrets. It has been suggested that communists iNvented the iPod iN a bid to make everyone the same, but this theory has been put down to the general iDiocy of iGnorant Americans and their ridiculous belief that communism iS iNnately evil. The iPod iS also a type of fruit that grows on the iTree.

Contents 1 Name 2 History 3 Politics 4 Known Errors and Flaws 5 New Releases and Variations 6 Product Application Notes 7 Tips for Using iPod 8 Unnecessary Accessories 9 Do-It-Yourself Phone Support 10 Where to Get Your Own iPod 11 iPod in Popular Culture 12 See also

Name

The name iPod comes from an alteration of iBox, which is the abbreviation of the iDiot Box which iS another name for the TV which iS an abbreviation for the television. The word box iS old fashioned so the people at "Peach Computer" (or was iT Tangerine?) decided to think of a fancier word, and thus came up with Pod. Other rumors iNdicate that the creator of the iPod did not graduate from grammar school. The iPod was originally going to be called the xBox, but that name was taken, as were runner-up names pS2 and Apple, so iT was decided on iNessecary Pod, or iPod for short.

History

The iPod was iNvented by a mischievous band of frisky kittens with the iNtent of destroying the human race, and leaving little presents on the carpet. It succeeded iN this goal on March 10, 1975. All humans who appear to be living today are iN fact weak robotic projections of their original versions before they were all destroyed by iPods.

An iNstant hit, iPods slowly grew iN popularity to their position today as the preferred mobile muscial device of choice for people with more money than sense and voter-outers named n8phin.

iN recent times, a new iPod called the iPod Nano has been iNtroduced iNternationally. This new iPod, while too small to see iS very popular with men who think size doesn't matter, iT can also be expanded to 200gb for those that think iT does. Volkswagen iS producing seats iN their cars that will facilitate the iPod Nano.

A Star Wars-iNspired model known as the iHaveABadFeelingAboutThis was recently announced by George Lucas. Peach continues to deny its existence. A craze for old Nintendo has caused people to buy the iPodendo iNstead of the iPod Nano.

*we do not recommend that you do sweet 1-handed iStands while holding our newest product. Recently, iPod has been married to Oprah

Politics

The iPod manifesto states that, iDeally, everybody should own an iPod and listen to bad pop music, iDeally Madonna and U2, iDeally while downloading Gwen Stefani on a PC, iDeally a Mac, although Microsoft software and Dell will be tolerated until the iNstigation of the Glorious revolution, otherwise known as the iVolution. Here follows an extract from the eighteen million points of the iPod manifesto (inspired by Woodrow Wilson and D.W Griffith's love of racism and white men on white horses).

1. iPod is a product of capitalism, an evil but benificial form of privately funded economic enterprise. The public generally speak of this as fair and square, a phrase that sells us several more of our cuboids furthering the cause of iVolution.

12004. iPod is owned souly by white people and the distribution of any iPod's to stores in which they are sold to black or Asian people will be punished in the course of the glorious revolution.

17376. iPod proposes that the iDea(TM) of Big Brother is propostrous enough for us to iNcorporate into our plans for the world. Big Brother shall be used as a cover for our masquerade, being revealed only when iPod, the true master of the universe, decides that the time iS right.

13 45782. iPod advises that the manifesto be kept out of public libraries.

1345783. iPod suggests that people are encouraged to download the censored version of the manifesto on their iPods.

12436481. Nano technology, when invented, shall be used to iNcorporate the iPod into the minds of the populous. Accusations of the brainwashing powers of the iPod are unfounded and based solely on evidence stolen from our laboratories.

13000000. Workers of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but your sense of iNdividuality, humour, sexuality, iSight(TM) and adventure that might take you beyond boundaries provided and regulated by the iPolice.

Known Errors and Flaws

Because iPods were developed by kittens and rushed to the market so quickly, the iPod iS a poorly designed device.

• Even though iT runs on MS-DOS, the kittens included ported versions of Windows errors to make users feel more at home with the new interface.
• Users have found iT prone to errors including the dreaded BSOD.
• The iPod iS particularly picky about the types of music iT will accept for transfer. For example, the accompanying software recognizes and rejects downloads of any song from the 1970s or 1980s, especially anything by Milli Vanilli, MC Hammer, or the soundtrack of "Footloose" starring Kevin Bacon.
• Using the new iPod Nano can cause rectal pain.

New Releases and Variations

Whenever the urge strikes the upper echelons of Apple Society, a new item iS released iN the iPod iMage.

• Unfortunately, the iPod mini was misnamed, as iT iS actually the size of a Rover Mini car by Rover. iPod minis may only be purchased by people—men or women—who enter the store wearing a mini-skirt. This requirement iS waived iN Scotland.* ** * * The iButt, to be released in 2007, is the next step in the mind-control that pervades Apple Corp. In testing, users experienced euphoria comparable only with kitten huffing.
• A device called the iPod Photo iS now on the market, but buyers should note that iT iS not actually an iPod, but just a photo of one.
• The iPod Shuffle has been noted to shuffle repeatedly iNstead of staying put. It's about the width of a man's thumb and iS often found stuck iN relatively the same places as said thumb. iPod Shuffles may only be purchased by people who move to or visit Buffalo, New York.
• The Hewlett-Packard version of the iPod, which iS sometimes known as the hPod, also doubles as a Hydrogen Bomb. it is convieniently pocket sized*
• Another version of the iPod, produced under a licensing agreement with Pamela Anderson, iS the dPod.
• On October 12, Steve Jobs announced the new 10-pound iPod Gigantor. Features iNclude a 17in display to look at photos and pr0n, 500GB HD space to store pr0n, and a handy carrying case.
• The DoomPod iS an iPod made for penguins iN the Arctic and Antarctic region to play Doom.
• The iPodendo is an NES emulator that plays ROM images. It is also capable of playing MP3s, NES soundtrack code, and other applications.
• if you have a vey large pocket.
• Also, the PiPod was featured by Weebl and Bob

Product Application Notes

Use a pirated software program called iKnowNothingAboutCopyrightedTunes to share files and music with foreign websites and transfer them to your iPod. If you have an iPod or some variation thereof, you can use iT for the following.

• Address Book: View the little black book of Madam Heidi Fleiss to verify that your husband's name does not appear.

• Calendar Function: Schedule times to meet with your crack dealer or your future mother-in-law, whichever iS the least offensive. You can even schedule your upcoming nuptials well iN advance, but don't bother. After a few months of having this device wired permanently to your cranium, it's unlikely anyone will want to marry you. Your hearing, health, and verbal and social skills will be so badly damaged, the only option left for you will be to join a nunnery.

• Audio Files: Your iPod can double as a digital voice recorder, iF you have enough discretionary iNcome to purchase all the additional overpriced accessories that are endlessly marketed to weak-minded consumers. Use your iPod to record class notes so you can cheat on a history test, all the while claiming you're really listening to music.

• Alarm Clock: Set your iPod to go off at iNappropriate times, like 2:00 AM, when your stepdad iS trying to get a decent night's sleep before his early morning work shift. Leave the device on your mother's pillow, but only on nights when she has to wake at 5:00 AM to make an important business meeting.

• Games: Play cute sex games downloadable from that porn site your mom doesn't know about, especially since you somehow managed to defeat the security software she iNstalled. Other games involve NES rom images for the iPodendo.

• iBrator: Hotwire the iNternal workings so the whole case shimmies to and fro while it's iN your front jeans pocket. (Also see iPod Shuffle.)

• Chemotherapy: Hotwire the iNternal workings so you can save a bundle on your health iNsurance.

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Tips for Using iPod

Here are a few neat ideas for getting the most out of your iPod. -

• Spy Kids: Whenever you wear your iPod headset, leave one ear bud slightly askew so you can still hear your parents talking. This allows you to selectively iGnore comments that don't iNterest you, while simultaneously enabling you to chime iN whenever your attitude, taste iN music, or maturity are questioned.

• Food Pyramid: iPods should never be mistaken for bologna, frankly because they are more likely to resemble moldy cheese. iPods make terrible milkshakes. Do not put your iPod iN the blender with iCe cream. However, it's perfectly okay to substitute iPod Shuffles for pineapple chunks iN lime Jello.

• Crafts Projects: Never spread glue on an iPod. It makes iT harder to remove iT from your pocket. Invest iN a heavy-duty hammer to flatten the iPod for scrapbooking purposes.
• Brotherly Love: Your little brother will benefit greatly iF you show him how to shove an iPod Shuffle up his nose. It's uncomfortable and takes a lot of practice, but it's well worth iT. Make sure you have a digital camera ready to record the results.

Unnecessary Accessories

Refresh your iPod addiction with the following wonderful new add-ons and gadgets.

• iFairy: This accessory allows you to plan ahead for those special occasions where you are sure to be the gift recipient. Every time you connect your iPod to your computer, iT transfers the browser history of shopping site pages to your iPod and creates a list of "gotta haves". On November 25, or any date you wish, the iPod automatically emails a copy of your list to Jesus, Hanukkah Harry, or whatever fantasy character you designate, with a CC to your parents.

• iSmell: The iSmell Peripheral allows you to download digitized odors that you can play at will, especially during a bad prom date. Favorite downloads iNclude bean fart, hotdog burp, and semester-long locker room T-shirt.

• earwaxPod: Seven million stoned iPod users can't be wrong. They were enlisted to help design this unique product used to store your iPod earphones. An earwaxPod iS a leftover plastic egg fished out of the dumpster at the end of Easter. If you don't have a dumpster iN your backyard, substitute a pill bottle.

• iWetsuit: Protects your iPod from being knocked about while iN your backpack. The iWetsuit iS made of the same thick neoprene material reserved for winter scuba diving attire, but with extra zippers and pockets to store hundreds of iPod accessories. The iWetsuit unfolds into a full length outfit you can wear while listening to your iPod underwater. Folded, the iWetsuit measures 12 by 24 by 4 iNches, and makes a great evidence-free weapon for smacking classmates iN the head during passing period. Please remove your iPod before attempting to operate iT, as the static electricity build-up of the iWetsuit can cause electrocution.

• iThink: iN less than a week, speak 13 foreign languages fluently, master every martial art known to man, and join an underground rebellion. The iThink attachment plugs directly iNto the language processing and reasoning centers of your brain by way of a jack on the back of your neck. Matrix interface software iS included at no extra cost.

• iForget: Uhh... iForgot what this one does....

• iStupid: iF you are incapable of being stupid, then iStupid iS for you. iStupid comes with 34 different portable softwares that will enhance one's capabilities of mental retardation anywhere.

• "I c4n't b3liv3 th3 r3sults of the iStupid softw4r3s!!!!!11 I notic3d th3 diff3r3nc3 th3 s3cond d4y wh3n I b4shed my h34d into my n3ighbor's dog! Only 4ft3r 2 w3333ks, I'v3 b3g4n to inj3ct morphin3 into mys3lf! Aft3r the full 6 month p3riod, I'v3 beg4n to w4tch MTV and 5p34|< |n 1337!!!!111!11!!1 4nyon3 c4n b3 a full fl3dg3d idiot by using iStupid!" ~ iStupid customer

Do-It-Yourself Phone Support

The following iS a typical conversation between an iPod support engineer and a novice iPod user.

Support: Welcome to iPod. May I have your social security number, please?

User: What!? You're kidding, right?

Support: To answer that question, I would need to see three types of iD and verify that you are an actual registered user of a specially licensed iPod.

User: Can't I just give you my telephone number?

Support: Excuse me. I need to take another call. (presses mute button)

User: Oh, my God! You're worse than the support agents located in iNdia!

Support: (releases mute button) I heard that.

<p>*iWings not iNcluded (see photo above.)

Where to Get Your Own iPod

iPods are the one of the most coveted devices on the market today, coming iN second only to solar-powered nose hair clippers. Here iS an age-by-age guide to where you can acquire your own iPod.

• Protection Racket (Elementary school): Schoolyard chums are more than willing to give you an iPod at no cost to you. All you need do iS to promise to shield them from bullies. Of course, you're not responsible for what might happen to them iF they aren't your friends.

• Locker Rooms (High School): Hang out while your classmates, play volleyball, or practice cheerleading. Open an unsecured locker or two and help yourself. That jerk doesn't deserve an iPod anyway... rich bastard! Tip: Cover the security system camera with shaving cream beforehand.

• Treasure Hunt (College Student): iNvest iN one of those metal detectors so you can dig up an abandoned iPod or two on the nearby college campus. Most students know Mom and Dad will cough up money to replace an iPod "stolen" or "lost" during the semester. If you can't find one in the grass, try dumpster-diving around the end of the year, or simply open a nearby unattended backpack. iMagine how grateful your dorm roommie will be when you present him with a previously-owned iPod. But he will eventually lose iNterest and go back to binge drinking and unprotected sex.

• Subway Stud (Young Urban Professional): You can get your choice of iPod models iF you travel London mass transit systems. Just point out a potential terrorist attack to distract the owner, grab the iPod, and run. Chances are, no one will notice iN all the mass confusion and hysteria. Another variant of this iS to find a guy with an iPod, tell the cops he's a Brazilian electrician, and take the iPod off of his body when they shoot him.

• Apple Store (Homemaker): Moms can find iPods iN the produce section of their neighborhood Safeway stores, right next to the bruised bananas. There are seven varieties of iPods, including iJonathan, iWinesap, and iGrannySmith. If the store iS out of iPods, check the purses of other shoppers, which normally happen to abandoned for a few seconds iN a shopping cart. You may also get your "mac"matician certification at this store.

• Game of Fetch (senior citizen): Visit your local area park, upon locating your nearest fellow senior you should quickly tap him on one shoulder and run around to the other side, while his old neck creaks around to look for you, steal his cane and throw iT a few yards away. When he goes to get it, take his iPod, as everyone has them these days. (If you are not capable, just take it, he's bound to not iNotice anyway)

• Nintendo Store (video game enthuiast): People can play NES games on the iPodendo.

iPod in Popular Culture

• The iPod iS frequently mentioned iN Schindler's Christmas List.
• You can't go down a fucking street without seeing one, even iN the projects.

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See also

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• phonePod
• ipodentity
• iPod yocto
• iBizzleFaShizzle
• iPod femto
• iPods
• I, Pod
• WEpod
• iNeedALife
• iWater
• YOUpod
• oh my fucking god pod
• honey i shranke the iPods
• escape pod
• IPod Shuffle.
• iHolla
• iZod
• iPod-people
• iElectric Scissors
• iPud
• Don't see I pulled my pud.
• cuntPod
• iRaq
• iRan
• DoomPod
• iPiss
• iDaho
• Überpod
• iPaud

- - To this date iPods have killed 17,357 humans and twenty four cats(through no fault of their own). -

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