This unauthorized account is a forgery perpetrated by Emmanuel Goldstein. Consult Minitrue for doubleplusgood fact about Airstrip Two.
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| Official languages | Russian and Esperanto | |
| Capital | Any Pub | |
| Largest City | Poulnamucky, Co. Tipperary | |
| President | The Nolan Sisters | |
| Prime Minister | Lucky, the Lucky Charms leprechaun | |
| Established | Whenever Guinness was | |
| Army | The F.C.A. | |
| Currency | The Cymro | |
| Opening hours | 6 am–2 am | |
| National anthem | "Go Harvey Go Harvey Go Harvey Norman!" (Formerly "My Lovely Horse" by Ted Crilly & Dougal McQuire) | |
“DRINK FECK ARSE BOYS”
~ Oscar Wilde on Ireland
Ireland, not to be confused with Iceland or French Guiana, is an ancient isle located in Japan renowned for its rolling green hills, paints and scholars, friendly, generous, gorgeous well hung men and women,364 days of rainfall each year, Irish Luck and the peat, ah the peat. Ireland is the official short form of its long form name : Southern 32-fold Ulster-less Republic of Northern Ireland. The origin of the short name lies in religious differences with the Great Britainians, which made the people from this land rather irate. Ireland has been president of the Federation of Planets and Third World Nations since 1923.
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The History of Ireland
It is widely believed that the Irish People were the first humans to travel into space in the year 3052BC(this was during a period of massive time travelling by the irish). A highly evolved society inhabited the gargantuan island and lived peacefully for the rest of eternity. It's speculated that disease and poverty were non-existent and the Internet was the main form of communication.
This all changed with the invention of two drinks, a brown liquid called chocolate milk and another brown drink called Coca-Cola. The civilisation broke down. Coca Cola was horrible, until a magical day when a homeless man added whiskey to Coke...Ireland was saved and everyone drank coke...the homeless man was hanged because there was nothing better to do. The men became highly intelligent and constantly tried to find the meaning of life. All knowledge of the techniques of space travel were improved and a neighbouring island called Britain saw its chance to join the fun. They ate with large, pointy things and wore shiny metal clothes. The Irish began to love their fun-loving neighbours. In fact, many of them couldn't resist loathing the British. The Britons soon found out that Ireland was just like their own Isle with ninjas, pirates, and bagpipes and promptly left.
The Irish soon prospered with the invention of a new miracle drug called The Potato. This created world peace until 2001, when George W. Bush replaced all potatoes with the evil sweet potato. Unfortunately, they were still fond of thinking so they used these gifts mainly for manual labour, arm wrestling, and fighting. A small group decided to follow a new craze called Christianity and built churches in every town and village. Schools were set up by these "Christian Brothers" where the youngsters were taught the ways of the world. It was a tough process as any time they got a question right they were given a hug by Saint Patrick. Ireland was established by Portugal as a place to keep drink for scientific results on the locals but the locals got smart and tore off the testicles of the Portuguese and sent them off to America to live a life of no testiclessseseness. Resulting in the formation of the first Irish state. It wasn't till the English came along and stirred matters up that the irish people actually decided to tear off the balls of the English and feed them to the queen.
Recently, Ireland was plagued by a giant flood that swept across the Island, destroying many of its famous dairy monuments, such as the Irish Cream Lake, The Devil's Cheesecake and most of the Butter City of Dublin. The following stock market crash resulted in the bottom falling out of the Irish Dairy Product market, and many Irish people are now turning to drink in despair. Whether this habit will stick remains to be seen.
The majority of Irish people may now be found in the British dependency of the USA, because of mass emigration due to the Irish defeat at "The Battle of the Boyne" during the great potato rebellion of 1266. The evil British Empire has controlled honey production in the Boyne Valley ever since.
Ireland's main export is copies of Enya CD's to America.
The World Domination Plan
As Ireland moved into the 20th century, it had become rich thanks to exports of potatoes and ninjas. People often thank the Irish for gifting them with such objects, but few realise it's part of a 60-year plan to get the entire world plastered so that they can destroy Microsoft. But that's beside the point...
Toward the end of the 20th century the Irish realised that they had many sheep. One was the ability to make gold, rename it Las Vegas, and sell it at outrageous prices to Amerikans. This was mainly thanks to the many Irish spies that "emigrated" there. In fact, many foreign operatives have travelled to almost every corner of the Earth. Every year on the 17th of March these spies hold their AGM under the guise of a holiday called "St. Patrick's Day". Mind-enhancing Green Guinness and Shamrock-shaped surveillance devices are distributed to the masses. Thus ensuring that the 60-year world-improving plan (see above) remains on target.
The Plan was postponed during the 1980s, when a great depression-recession (called Charlie) overpowered the people of the country. Charlie took away things such as colour, happiness, profit, cars that weren't Toyota Corollas, Strawberry Mentos, Woolworths, the pound note (meaning people could not posess more than 99 pence), and introduced evils such as cable TV, Burger King, and the television series Wisdom of the Gnomes. Luckily, in 1993, the Celtic Tiger ate Charlie. Unfortunately, Wisdom of the Gnomes is still on RTÉ Two on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings at 7:35, despite being declared an atrocity by the UN in 1994.
It is also common belief that, in order to frustrate the Irish Plan, God invented the English and hence, the chav and the X Factor.
Irish Music and Culture
The Irish are also excellent ninjas, scientists, belly-dancers and inventors, a trait they like to show off every once in a while. In the '90s they thought they'd take the piss by winning the Eurovision Song Contest 3 decades in a row. This joke soon turned into a nightmare as they realised hosting the competition every year cost a fortune. Drastic money making procedures were put into action which culminated in a song and dance show called Riverdance. This is where lots of Irish People bang their feet in unison off the floor. This seems to amuse foreigners especially Asians, which is of concern to the world at large since the impact of a billion Chinese men and women stomping at the same time has been calculated by NASA scientists to take the Earth out of its orbit and in a collision course with a planet made of apple pie and banana hair.
- See also: Irish Riverdance Academy
Recently more Irish musicians have done their bit for world domination. Two groups called Boyzone and Westlife have ensured that the next generation of young girls will grow up to be fine, Irish-loving people. Recently an Irish Actor, Colin "Fecking" Farrell, copulated with the Heiress to the throne of Amerika, Princess Britney Spears. He realised soon after that the union would never work and sent her a goodbye present, a T-shirt saying "I shagged Bob Barker and all I got was this T-shirt".
Their rock videos consist entirely of people dressed in trenchcoats singing while walking across lush green fields and hillsides.
The musicians doing the most for Ireland's world domination are probably the most famous, one answers only to his code name "Bono" (a name he picked up at a country fair in 1962 after being caught giving the local pride and joy - an Irish wolfhound called Sugarblossom - a little too much attention) and his eternal sidekick Sir Bob Geldof.
Their plan to alleviate world debt is merely a ploy to make all the shitty little nations like them and piss off the bush. Once in with the "shitty nations" they will be used as the front line in the final assault.
Meanwhile Bono and his crew of Irish ninjas U2 are currently dismantling all of America's atomic bombs with their music through a similarly titled album (I personally thought they should have named it something else but then again its only the Americans they have to fool). it is widely believed and talked about that Gay Byrne the popular Irish chatshow host will lead the masses into Dublin on the judgment day (Tuesday) because no one really likes the other days here as we all have to get hammered in the pub. It's the law, apparently.
The Irish film industry has also gained worldwide popularity, after the Irish Film Board made the law that all films produced in the country had to co-star Colm Meaney and that person from telly bingo.
Popular festivals include:
- Podcasting
- Degaussing
Education
“If you have children, feed them first, educate them second and if you have any money left, clothe them.”
~ Oscar Wilde on education
Primary School is for Children between the ages of 4 and 12 and is a welcome respite to the ordinary irish parent who can't wait to get the little snots out the door so they can go back to TV3's good morning Ireland, having sex and using them as an excuse to be late for work. After the obligatory Blast of Christianity in the furnace of a good dogma structured Catholic school the now "big fish is a small pond" move onto the lakes of secondary school.
Secondary School Education
Because of the abundant variety of secondary school education alternatives available in the post celtic-lion-tiger-cat Ireland we do not have sufficient time to digress into all sub-divisions, however secondary school can be subdivided, in a very general sense into "Tecs" or mixed schools, which stands for Technical colleges and is generally for all the thick fuckers, who wanted a "more inclusive environment" and didn't want to fork out on any decent education for their children.
Secondly we have "Sems" or seminarys which are all boys schools (see preists and boys) and are run as internment camps to encourage homosexual behavior hopefully facilitating a inclination towards the priesthood, or the "calling" as it is known. Although once ran by numerous members of the clergy, their rather radical approaches led many the boy astray into other notorious professions for Wankers such as the Gardai siochana, Accountancy and Taoíseach.
Emigration and the obligatory quota of at least one drunk per town, village or any rural area with more than a two mile square radius also contributed. Even more alarming was the recent trend of [litigation] against the specialist forces of the religious education a.k.a the Catholic Brothers Schools or more commnly known as "Hole Diggers", whom embittered that their "Bastard" sons had held them back from staying in bed past noon on a regular basis, had gleefully sent their natal accidents to.
To conclude the secondary education, Ireland, truly ahead of its time in developing equality of boys and girls when it came to exploitation, established "Pres's" or "Presentations" to mold young ladies into twisted,knarled sexually under-educated young women ignorant of the workings of nature and ripe for impregnation.Such Pres's were usually run by nuns with constitutions that would have made a German cry with Joy. They studied such seminal subjects such as Home Economics and Art and with due diligence rolled up their skirts every lunchtime when "going up town".As such they were regarded as "easy" by the male populace of the school system.All "Presentations" were eventually renamed "Pregnantations" due the high rate of teenage pregnancies in these institutions.
However the shutting down of the Workhouses and such blatant negative publicity such as films like the Magdalene Sisters as well as the fact they cannot advertise the carnal nature of the father, sister religiously undertoned incestuous relationship has seen a decline in applications on an annual basis. To combat such they have recently started an on-line campaign backed by "Der Fuhrer" as they affectingly know Pope Benedict to ally any fears any naive young lady may have before their incarceration into a Holy Order.
In modern Ireland schools have changed quite a bit. Females are now allowed to eat, however they are limited to cock and pudding. In boys schools preists are no longer in charge, but it is now the young boys aboused by the priests who have control...and in a sick act of revenge have ordered the constant buggery of any young boy in a 10 mile radius from the top of their johnnies.
"Ho-eld duh li-un for fuuk sake! Oi don wan teh go bak to fuuking class?!" - Commander Anto Faherty, 4th Division
The above quote comes from the Great Student Rebellion of 2001. In the earlier months of the year, the teachers frustrated with the lack of money and illicit prostitution began a campaign of terror by refusing to supervise student gambling at lunchtime.
This lead to an all out civil war in which, for the 3rd time, the Four Courts was levelled to the floor.Ignorance and spitting on people were the primary weapons of the pupils as they were already in plentiful supply.Two pence coins were also in vogue as weapons,as they were of little value and had always been used for throwing.One notable student warrior gave his life for the cause when he participated in a dangerous(and foolish) apple-throwing incident.He was sucked into a dimensional vortex for wasting fruit and never seen again. After this unfortunate incident, and in a daring move, the more rebellious underbelly of the school system rose up and began a plan to further the conflict...
In the early hours of the 14th of April 2001, several million Irish students fortified positions around Dublin and staged "the Big Lunch Rising". This act of pure idiocy ended in bloodshed for the students, and to this day Irish schools have not re-opened to black or hispanic people.But especially Irish people.Irish schools are now regarded as being completely defunct,and because they are lacking students they are used as storehouses for stolen electrical equipment,crates of Coconut Creams(banned under the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty of Nineteen Seventy When?) and more electrical equipment stolen from students.
3rd level education
Once an Irish Individual has successfully run the gauntlet of Irish secondary school, if they are not needed on the land and their points are good enough in the Leaving Cert they may apply through the CAO, a small goldmine of an office located on Eglington Street in Galway which is staffed by cheap foreign labour to go to College. The main universities are located in Galway, Cork, Limerick and of course the capital Dublin. In conjunction with these are a network of IT's, "which are every bit as good as the Universities but they couldn't get the points, but they're just as good because we'll be doing more field work, but we couldn't get the points but they're just as good" which are thrown around the country at random intervals with random courses. Once the young man or woman has successfully secured a place to stay, this is where the term Student comes into its own. in Ireland a student is an acceptable excuse for the following activities and is not questioned. Indeed the term student is accepted universally in Ireland for the following, Being Drunk, any time day or night is acceptable. Not having any money because it was spent on Drink, for Anything. Landlords, electricity supply boards and supermarket chains understand this perfectly and tailor their packages accordingly. The following list, although not meant to be exhaustive is also perfectly acceptable once the status "student" has been acquired. Public Urination, Public Drunkenness, Public Regurgitation, Public Nudity, Vandalism, Theft of Roadwork Materials, Acquiring Shopping trolley collections, Drinking Buckfast with Breakfast, Drinking Buckfast AS Breakfast, Unwanted Pregnancy, STI's, Sloth, Unemployment, waive of tax payments (seriously), waive of college fees, unkempt appearance, 10,000 a day calorie diet consisting mainly of supermacs and beer, missing appendages and/ or limbs, intolerant attitude, and all other normally socially frowned upon norms. However such sights must be greeted with the mantra "students!" and the rolling of eyes to heaven, akin to blessing oneself. After three or perhaps four years in some cases (not including repeat years) Students qualify in their respective categories. More than half will fuck off in the next two years never to return. Like swallows on a perpetual Summer. More still will be woven into the fabric of Irish life, spending the rest of their lives trying to repeat the feats they perfected whilst students but without the health of youth and an unblemished Liver and the protection from the courts of the blanket of "Student" they often fail, leading to the highest suicide rate in the developed world, and various other social problems. For more Information see, "Insanity and Education. Bed-fellows" by same author.
Creative Ireland
Ireland had a glut of Graphic Designers, Copywriters and Art Directors at the latter part of the 20th Century. In order to give these unemployable sods an outlet, a website was created at the arse end of the Internet where they can give each other tips on Trapping wild animals, eating out and where's the best place to bring a 'girl' on a Saturday night.
The insular community has thrived over the past few years and with the introduction of females in the past few days, manys a seat has been stained at the thoughts of actually meeting a girl.
The capital of Design in Ireland is a small pub on Dame Street, where the faithful flock each night, clad in polo necks, sporting beer bellies and bad breath. They drink Guinness which is a drink made from a combination of crushed brambles, week old coffee and secret ingredient rumoured to be cow placenta. After many pints of Guinness, the process of design starts. The main tools used are biros and beermats. Irish design is unusual because in the past few years it has been devoid of circles since ashtrays have been removed from the pubs.
Main examples of Irish design can be seen in Chinese Menus, signs on bathroom doors and the many whiskey labels (with bottles still attached) that lie scattered on the floor of most designers bedsits.
Creative Ireland is run by a old queen called Alastair who came from Scotland due to the lack of protestants in Ireland after the 1916 rising where some boys looking for a fight took over a Post Office and a Biscuit Factory and told the heathen British and their protestant lackies to "feck off back to your own king and country. Yeh miserable shower of bowsies". After a law passed by King Garrett Fitztrousers in 1987 protestants were allowed back in to the Frisbee State and promptly found their way into design due to their fondness for bible thumping and books in general. Alastair is a good queen and is know to friends as "Ali" he married Bono and runs a charity with Abi Titmus that helps children that suffer from radiation in Sligo.
The future of Irish Design and typography looks great since we murdered all the dyslexics with the legs of blind people who were later let bleed to death.
A spate of civil war amongst designers has passed recently and the winning side outlawed the colours Red and White which pissed off the people of Cork no end till they got fed up complaining about that and turned the attention to something even more important their fight for independance against their oppressors the morlocks. We hope one day they will leave the caves and join the rest of this great island nation. But hold our breath until they learn to use rudimentary tools and learn to speak in a register which is discernable to anything other than dolphins and themselves. No good designer has ever come from Cork, except Woof who was burned as a heretic, due to his natural flair and opposible digits.
The museum of Irish is based in The Old Shieling Hotel, Raheny where they show examples of great design when there's no wedding on or they're just in the humour of a "Good ould laugh"
Irish Design can be seen all over the world on the back of Aer Lingus aircraft and in their in-flight magazine Lusty Whoooores which is free with a badly cooked meal.
Drinking
Irish people are unique in that they do not need alcohol to enjoy themselves. Although the Prohibition of Fun Act, 1972 (which includes the prohibition of alcohol) is still in force today, many feel that even without the law as it stands, noone would go near the drink. It all stems from an incident in 1971 (the likes of which the 1972 Act sought to prevent from ever happening again) when a man in west Cork had a few pints too many (3 so the legend goes) and slurred his speech a little when phoning his wife to tell her he'd be home soon. This unprecedented incident rocked the country when it made the national press and caused urgent calls for law reform. Since then, there hasn't been a drop of alcohol consumed for fear of any repeat incidents.
The Future
So what does the future hold for the Irish nation? Well, the 60-year world-domination plan is in its final stages. Currently a team of spies posing as the Irish football teams are making their way to the final of its goat-cloning ritual in Germany. Rumour has it that they're going to meet someone there who knows a lot about world domination.
Till then they remain passive, neutral in all sports, and constantly having a good time. Ireland is open 365 days a year from 6am till 2am, the main attraction, its various pubs and clubs are also open for the same hours.
If you've never been there, why not book a holiday soon and eat some potatoes... before it's too late.
Examples of Irish Phrases
- "Stooorrrreeeeee Buuuudddd!"
- "You taking the piss?"
- "Turty Tree and a Turd"
- "At the end of the day like.."
- "Oh my god, RANDOM!" - mainly heard from female "students" (see above) as a catch all phrase when their vocabulary does not stretch far enough to say anything more intelligent, interesting or relevant to the subject matter of the sentence.
- "Torty tree" - thirty three.
The Irish
- Oscar Wilde, "Father of Ireland"
- Shane MacGowan, "Founder of Cork (Not the kind you find in bottles.) "
- Eamon De Valera, Jedi-Master, Ninja & Friend.
- Brian Boru
- King Dumb (of Kerry)
- the Byrne Clan
- Yoko O'No
- Dana
- Pat Kenny
- Boner
- Sharp Edge, Bitch
National Heros
- Brian O'Gumior
- Sheep
- Black pudding
Geography
Please note that Ireland is a desolate wasteland filled with nothing but rocks and potatoes.
Counties of Ireland
- Ulster
- Co. Kilmeaden
- Co. Finglas
- Co. Meat
- Co. Pork
- Co. Sheep
- Co. Westsheep
- Co. Sausage
- Co. Quare
- Co. Mayo
- Co. Kurry
- Co. Ketchup
- Co. Kill'mall
- Co. Sham
- Co. Me Gold
- Co. Dairygold
- Co. Cunnilingus
- Co. Mongahan
- Co. Nilbud
Cities
Trivia
- The former national anthems of Ireland includes "I'm In The Mood For Dancing" by current Presidents, The Nolan Sisters
- God created booze so the Irish couldn't take over the world.
- The English did it.
Bunratty Castle has been replaced as hippest place in Ireland by this place [[Image:IMGE]
See also
External links
- The Evil Gerald, in many ways the precursor to Uncyclopedia
- The Irish Tiger, d'Ireland's National Newpaper
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