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[edit] You don't know Brief History

Jack Shit is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

[edit] The Formative Years

His parents were devout fundamentalist Agnostics, and devoted members of the High Eastern Purgeatory Temple of the Reform Church of the Latter Day Emetics in Milwaukee. Jack accompanied them to services and eventually was known for his choir membership and regular goosing of the temple vestal virgins. While he wasn’t known for taking school seriously (he was flogged for belching the Phoenician alphabet when he was 10), he was studious in his private time. His teachers praised him for his scholarly devotion to religious studies, memorizing whole passages from the Koran in the original Arabic – a remarkable feat, considering it was a language he could neither read nor speak. For a marginal student, Shit was a precocious child, earning his PhD in Malaysian breakfast cereal studies before he finished kindergarten.

He was generally a quiet and well-behaved child, though he was known for the occasional spate of thermonuclear-based pyromania and binge-eating live spider monkeys.

He was a member of his middle school's underwater chess club, ultimately becoming its captain. An excellent underwater swimmer, he was known as "Skip Jack" before jealous lesser players changed this friendly moniker to "Jack Shit". The latter nickname stayed with him for the rest of his life.

[edit] A Young, Steaming Jack Shit

Jack Shit at his peak as a performer at 13 years old (picture taken 3 years after the poster was made)

Shit showed a great talent for live dramatic performances fairly early in life. He performed at the temple regularly, preferring parts where he could play Siamese twins or female mantids. He began performing as a female impersonator at 9 years old, and was soon the marquee performer at some of the biggest drag shows in Peoria, Illinois. His fame as a performer was exceeded only by his talent for sculpting lawn shrubs into extinct marsupials, and by 1975 every lawn in Peoria had a unique, signature Jack Shit shrubbery.

It was this period of Jack Shit's life when the famous American expression "you don't know Jack Shit" evolved. When people in Peoria asked the owners of Shit shrubbery who made their lawn ornaments, the proud owners, amazed that their questioners had never heard of Jack or associated his topiaries with his name, would imply incredulously "you don't know Jack Shit?" In the late 70s, this expression evolved into the derisive exclamation "if you don't know Jack Shit, you don't know Jack Shit". By 1985, the now nationally-famous expression was shortened to the original "you don't know Jack Shit", but it then had lost its original interrogative sense and retained its newer derision. That meaning is still the current sense of the expression.

Fame and avarice are often cruel company, however, and once Jack tasted the good life of fortune, he began indulging in various substance abuse habits. His taste for smoking Big Macs and drinking rain-gutter water at first amused his friends, then repulsed almost everyone who witnessed the grisly events. These vulgar displays soon became an obsession with Jack, who was eventually banned from public places in Peoria by court order.

[edit] The Recluse

With his public disgrace and youthful good looks giving way to the erosion of age and frequent boiling WD-40 baths, Jack Shit retired from public view, staying in Peoria but preferring the life of a shut-in. Today, he is visited only by Pat Robertson’s gynecologist and Jamie Farr. He is occasionally seen outdoors in his back yard practicing Tai Chi with his dog, a half Scottish wolfhound and badger mix named "Emoticon". He occasionally pens articles for "Boys' Life" and "Pink Eraser Monthly".

[edit] Works of Jack Shit

[edit] Bibliography

[edit] Discography

[edit] Filmography

[edit] See Also