"I shall not judge this man. Why, I myself have big nipples."
~ Oscar Wilde on James T. Kirk
"You can never have too many random crewmen in red shirts."
~ Captain Kirk on Star Trek
"KHAAAAAAN!!!!"
~ Captain Kirk on Khan
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History of Captain Kirk
Captain James "Mr. T" Kirk, starship captain, ladies' man, dermatologist, kung-fu fighter, Grammy Award-winning singer and president of the Federation chapter of the Chuck Norris fan club, was born in the year 2233 in Iowa (statements to the effect that Kirk was born in Canada have been flatly denied by the Canadian government). Following a distinguished career at Starfleet Academy, Kirk gained notice when he helped deliver a cargo of dramatic pauses to Tangalos IV during the Galactic Comma Shortage of 2259, and was soon promoted to the helm of the starship Enterprise NC-17.
During the voyages of the Enterprise, Captain Kirk battled countless foes, including Klingons, Romulans, Republicans, the Vegans of Planet Vegan VII, an evil energy being, an evil twin of his toupee from an alternate universe, passionate feelings for Mr. Spock, passionate feelings towards an evil Spock with a goatee from an alternate universe, and sixty-seven paternity suits. He was intended to explore space for a five year mission, but this was cut short three years into the mission when Kirk remembered he had left a burner on at home.
Kirk had more violations of the Prime Directive than any other Starfleet captain, violating rules against time travel on no less than 23 occasions. He he later slingshotted around the sun to travel back in time and rewrite the Prime Directive to permit time travel. After the evil alternate universe Kirk travelled in time to re-rewrite the Prime Directive, Kirk again travelled back in time to prevent a time-travel incident. However, it was a wash: since although he successfully prevented himself from travelling in time, decreasing his number of violations, he had to time-travel to do it, resulting in no net change in Prime Directive violations.
Although not actually a ninja, Captain Kirk was known across Federation Space for his skill in the martial arts. His unique fighting style can best be described as a combination of karate chops, wrestling holds, and punches, all being performed by a man having an epileptic seizure and a really bad ice cream headache.
Captain Kirk, Interstellar Space Stud
Kirk's mission in life was to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, and to boldly bang species no one had banged before. Captain Kirk has had sexual relations with more species than any other humanoid in Federation Space, with 137 children spread out across the Alpha and Beta quadrants. However, when a DNA census of the sector is completed this number will increase substantially. If Kirk is (as widely suspected) the man who fertilized Atalonia, the Hive Queen of Talanos-III, then he may have as many as 37.9 million children in the Talonosian system alone.
In the process, Captain Kirk became infected with 138 incurable sexually transmitted diseases, including Terminal Comma Overuse Disease, also known as William Shatner Syndrome, and those nasty things that get in your ear from Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan . As such, he poses a galaxy-wide health threat. Fortunately, Kirk was able to bring an infection of Bajoran pubic lice under control (Bajoran pubic lice being sentient, orange and purple, six-limbed, saber-toothed creatures which grow to the size of a brown bear), although he briefly lost control of the Enterprise to the creatures until Dr. McCoy was able to supply him with the special shampoo. As a result of these cosmic dalliances, the Borg were somewhat hesitant to assimilate him, because "When you assimilate someone, you're assimilating everyone they've ever slept with." The threat Kirk posed to the Borg was the reason the Federation remained safe from them in the 23rd century.
Known Enemies of Captain Kirk
- Klingons
- Romulans
- KHAAAAAAN!!!!!
- The comma
- Tina Fey
- Uncyclopedia
Known and Suspected Sexual Encounters of Captain Kirk
- Klingons
- Romulans
- KHAAAAAAAN!!!!
- Tina Fey
- Uncyclopedia
- Uhura
- Vina, an Orion slave girl from Orion
- Mulva, a Omicronian girl from Omicron Seinfeld X
- Leiva, a Deltan girl from Delta Vega III
- Britney, a sorority girl from Delta Delta Delta
- Androida, one of the Android Women of Thanatos-II
- Dr. Crusher and Deanna Troi, after time-travelling in search of nookie
- Eva, a hot chick from the Nazi Planet
- This one chick Stacey he met at the Home Depot on Talanton V
- Energia, an Energy Being from the far side of the Gamma Quadrant
- Sue, an Energy Being from just outside Cleveland
- Cloneena, Clona, and Clonetta, identical clones from Clonon-IX
- Evil Mirror Universe Kirk
- Neural parasite from Neuron-VI
- Random girl seen in the back of the control room in scene 3, Episode 17 of the Original Series
- Monica Lewinski, from the Planet Where Everyone is Monica Lewinski
- Silicon-based life form from Hermes VI
- Germanium-based life form from Hermes VII
- Vaseline-based life form from Hermes VIII
- Captain Janeway, but only because he was under the influence of six glasses of Romulan Ale
- Android Kirk
- Tribbles
- His sister's college roommate Sarah
- 7 of 9, following further time-travel in search of nookie
- Spock. But that was just a fluke resulting from Spock entering his mating phase and the Captain being infected by a behavior-altering parasite, so that incident doesn't really say anything about the Captain's sexuality. Similarly, the other 137 incidents are the result of mind-controlling aliens, mood-altering alien diseases, alien parasites, alien telepaths, quirks of Vulcan biology and soforth, and as such are NOT a reflection of any real, deeper, underlying feelings.
- Oprah, following yet more time-travel in search of nookie