Jean-Luc Picard

“My face looks so shiny on his plate.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Captain Picard

"I am Locutus of Microsoft. Resistance is futile. Where do you want to go today?"

~ Jean-Luc Picard at Wolf 359

""Shut up, Wesley!""

~ Captain Picard on Wesley

"Captain, Kirk, was, a much, better, starship, Captain, than, Captain, Picard!"

~ Captain Kirk on Captain Picard

"You've got to be joking! Captain Picard was much better than Captain Kirk."

~ Captain Picard on Captain Picard

"At any rate, they're both better than Captain Janeway"

~ Captain Picard and Captain Kirk on Captain Picard and Captain Kirk

Captain Jean-Luc Picard (2305.32 - ??) is an officer in Starfleet and Captain of of the Starship Enterprise NC-17D. He is also the president of the Federation chapter of the Laverne and Shirley fan club, and is noted for his amazing ability to channel the dead in front of an audience every Christmas eve..

Contents 1 History 2 Kirk vs. Picard 3 Facts 4 Quotes 5 See also

History

Captain Picard was born in France. This explains why he gave in and was so quickly assimilated by the Borg. As a young man, he worked as an aid worker in Burma, where he brought the world's eye to the lamentable state of their textile industry, pointing at broken equipment and howling "Make it sew!". He later joined Starfleet Academy and graduated near the top of his class. He eventually commanded the Enterprise on a mission of discovery but did not get laid nearly as often as his predecessor, Captain Kirk, which is probably why he seems so tense and serious all the time.

He battled many wily enemies during his journies, including the Ferengi, the Digimon,the Klingons, the Romulans, the George W. Bush, the Liberals, The Green Goblin, the Magneto, the Borg, the Bjorn Borg, the Hitler,the Tina Fey, the Fjord, the multidimensional beings the Q, R, and sometimes Y, and his wiliest foe of all, Wile E. Coyote.

Kirk vs. Picard

Reasons why Captain Kirk is Better

• Got laid more often. 23,056 times. More if you count his alternate universe evil twin and his android duplicate.
• Has hair
• Can kung-fu fight
• Was promoted to rank of Admiral
• Had trouble with tribbles
• Cheated on his math test
• Had a crewman who said "Nuclear Wessels".
• Doesn't call a meeting to discuss what to do when the Romulans attack.

Nuh-Uh, Captain Picard is Better

• Has a bigger spaceship, which can separate into two spaceships.
• Quotes Shakespeare all the time. Hell, even the ability to speak without pausing every two to three seconds puts him above Kirk
• Not only the president of the Enterprise, but also a client.
• Was turned into a robot. Robots are cool.
• Can say "Make it so" in 43 different inflections in 6 different languages.
• Isn't a walking sexual harassment suit. Hiring Picard instead of a skirt-chaser like Kirk is estimated to have saved the Federation 23 billion credits worth of legal fees and hush money paid to the mothers of illegitimate children spread out across hundreds of star systems.
• Has an annoying techno song compsed totally of his lines. Then someone took the time to make a music video by finding the scenes the lines were from, and editing them to fit the song. Crazy.

Facts

• Captain Picard is a highly cultured renaissance man, enjoying sophisticated pasttimes such as playing the flute, reading Shakespeare, and rocking out on air guitar
• Picard has cool mind powers and in his spare time is the leader of the X-Men.
• His scalp is coated with Teflon to make it more aerodynamic
• Served as head of the KGB before being outwitted by George Smiley
• Picard briefly served as the frontman of the Borg, an intergalactic heavy metal rock band.
• Dated Brian Peppers during the 1980's.
• Thinks klingons are those little yellow notes that stick to evrything.

Quotes

Here's to the finest crew in Starfleet! Engage!

Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the USS Enterprise! Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the USS Enterprise! (repeat ad nauseam)

THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!!!

Engage!!!

Captain Jean-Luc Picard fears no one. Not even Chuck 'Panzy' Norris

Coffee, colombian, hot

"Fuck the Goddamned Hologram Bridge! Where the fuck is Snake II?!?"

"Balls!"

"Batman sucks! He is retarded and he cheated to steal my high score at YTMND!"

"Make it so, babe. Yeah. Yes. Mmmm. Yesss.......OH!"

"Enterprise, ready to fire! Kill that moron of Darth Revan! I'm too cool to be just a shitty apprentice!

"You ARE NOT my father. And i WILL NOT search my feelings.

"Ensign McKnight. Deep throat, Warp 5. Engage.

"Dear Mom, camp is fun. Did you know the Byelurians don't have genitalia?"

"Number One, I order you to go take a number two.

"So to get us out of the nebula, you want to get the counselor and the doctor drunk and make them have sex with each other? Make it so!

"What the fuck do you mean, "What would Captain Kirk do?", don't make me break my foot off in your ass!

"For the last time, that was the doctor's dress in my closet!

"Resume the bombardment, Kommander Kirk! Wipe Batman from the face of the planet!"

"What, you mean this big carpet is a Wookie?"

"The line must be drawn her...cough COugh COUGH!"

"Kommander Kirk, N-Gage! NOW!"

"You will return my crew members immediately or else I'll have Mr. Worf beam over to your ship and wank on your face while you're sleeping."

"In the 24th century we no longer refer to female breasteses as "titties", we prefer the more proper name of "knockers"."

"Nothing says I want a promotion like a blowjob in the morning."

"I like it when the doctor spanks me."

"Why am I so friendly to Guinan? I got jungle fever, I got jungle fever."

"Ribbet, Ribbet, I surrender."

"Mr. Data, while I can understand your wish to be more human through the study of human sexuality, I must insist that next time I bend over to pick up the soap in the communal shower, that you do not violate my neutral zone."

See also

• Kitten Huffing
• Buffyliteralism
• Star Trek
• USS Enterprise
• ytmnd
• Captain Kard
• Poopsmiths He was one of the people that popularized Poopsmiths