| Jesusaurus Rex | |
|---|---|
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| Kingdom | Animal |
| Phylum | Chordata |
| Class | Reptile-mammalia |
| Order | Dinosaur |
| Family | Christ |
| Genus | Rex |
| Species | Jesusaurus Rex |
| Binomial Name | Jesusaurus Rex Christ |
| Primary Armament | Teeth with which to chomp on you |
| Secondary Armament | Feet with which to stomp on you |
| Power Plant | Heaven |
| HP: | ∞ |
| Mana Points: | ∞ |
| Strength: | 25 |
| Intelligence: | 25 |
| Weight | 10 metric tonnes |
| Length | 150-190 meters |
| Special Attack | † |
| Conservation Status | Run away from it
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Jesusaurus Rex (jeez-us-soar-us rex), also known as J-rex and "The Prophet of the Dinosaurs", is one of the final forms of Jesus, and is expected to visit Earth sometime around the year 2021. Not to be confused with Raptor Jesus or Jesusaur, Jesusaurus Rex is a carnivore, and he's out with a vengeance.
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Origins
After the first time God sent his son down to Earth, he realized that humans would crucify his prophet whenever they could. Any other tries resulted in Jesus dying and coming back up each time, and God began to grow frustrated. Republicans have predicted Jesusaurus Rex to to be the upcoming result of God's anger at the Christ-killers.
Characteristics
Bigger than even a tyrannosaurus rex, J-rex is estimated to be the largest land carnivore of all time, and the most bloodthirsty of the jesii. Compared to other jesii, the skull of Jesusaurus is really big and can withstand heavy pressures, enabling it to crush the toughest materials in between its teeth. That's right. You'd better start praying or Jesusaurus will be crunching your bones.
The neck is strong and muscular to support the giant glowing head of Jesusaurus. The arms of J. rex are very small, perhaps to make up for the weight of its enormous head. They may end up being used for grasping fleeing Nazis or God-haters, or perhaps to pin dead carcasses against the body while dragging a cross to show who's in charge this time.
The legs are strong and may allow Jesusaurus to run at speeds exceeding 500 miles per hour, or 400 miles per hour while on water. His immunity to nuclear weapons and all the awesome types of swords makes him a deadly predator that may be impossible to defeat.
Fear the wrath of Jesusaurus
The upcoming times in the era of Jesusaurus look to be dark days indeed for the United States of America, Rome, and the rest of the world. All the sinners have multiplied in number since the last time Jesus came, and then they went unpunished. But Jesus is tired of being kind to people who keep trying to kill him, and the Jesusaurus Rex says "No more Mr. Nice Christ!"
Reactions to Jesusaurus Rex
Faced with the threat of a giant angry Jesus, U.S. president George W. Bush has had this to say:
"It is with the deepest regret that I inform you, my fellow Americans, that a lot of you are pretty darn screwed. That's right all you stem-cell murderers and homosexuals, I'm talking to you. Trying to destroy the foundations of society is going to get you devoured by the Lord!"
Later investigations showed that George W. Bush did not, in fact say the above quotation, and it was actually just from some fat white old guy, also known as Dick Cheney. George W. Bush's actual words were "Jesusarus will never seek a permission slip to eat the American people." When questioned about what he meant to do about the J-Rex, Bush responded with "No act of the Jesusaurus Rex will change our purpose, or weaken our resolve, or alter our fate. God has blessed America, and we will survive his dinosaur."
Some Christians have taken the coming of J-Rex as a sign that they will finally be floating off into heaven in the Rapture, while others of different faiths have had slightly different ideas. Known Scientologist Tom Cruise has been quoted as saying "People don't know the great things Jesusaurus will do, helping the community. It will be positive and wonderful. Hey, that plane reminds me of my awesome movie Top Gun. I made a lot of money off that movie you know. Being rich is really nice, you know, since I get to ride in limos and eat Mcdonalds all day." Cruise is reported as leaving the Scientology faith because it doesn't allow him to take his Ritalin any longer.