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“Yeah Klingons!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Klingon
Klingons are the lords and masters and overlords and overmasters and kings and false gods and judges and juries and "eggsicutioners" of the entire human race
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The Great Klingon-Human war of -3,141 A.C. (After Cheese)
There were, at this time in human history, exactly 42 humans living on earth. They ate celebrities and hunted with dirt tools (we're pre-stone-age remember). The greatest of their deities was Frank, the Grand Cow, Drew Carey, and a minor deity was Larry, the Significant-But-Not-So-Grand Chicken.
Then the Klingons came and shot all the humans with guns except for a breeding pair of pets, from which all humanity descends today. These humans were ignorant but happy eating slop, sleeping in straw, and having their feces cleaned out of the stall once a week. Their names were Adam, Eve and Bob.
The Klingon Language
Doo'ka buch choorai; da'kat'ak deja'k ba soora! Denj'a dyk forchooba d'ikombas'sa hor'chooba!
The Entire History of the Human Race (With Klingons)
An exerpt from the Klingon-written History Book for Humans-
"THE KLINGONS ARE YOUR MASTERS. THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN YOUR MASTERS. THEY ALWAYS WILL BE YOUR MASTERS. THEY ARE YOUR MASTERS. SUBMIT. SUBMIT. LUNCH IS AT 12:00 SHARP, EXCEPT ON SATURDAYS, WHEN IT IS AT 12:05. OBEY US. HUMANS ARE LIVESTOCK. THEY ALWAYS HAVE BEEN LIVESTOCK. THEY ALWAYS WILL BE LIVESTOCK. BOW BEFORE KLINGONS. BOW! HUMANS HAVE ALWAYS DIED BY ANAL ELECTROCUTION. THEY ALWAYS HAVE DIED BY ANAL ELECTROCUTION. THEY ALWAYS WILL DIE OF ANAL ELECTROCUTION. BOW! BOW! NOW RETURN TO YOUR TABLES, YOU DAMN FILTHY HUMANS. GRRRRR!"
The book is, on the whole, one half page long, and its factual accuracy is dubious, but it's the only record we have.
[Secret Hidden Message (Don't Tell the Klingons)]
Don't eat the tennis balls. The Klingons tell us they're cheese, but they're really made of plastic!
Klingons have never shown much interest in the sexing of bees, prefering to while away their time crocheting pink woolen covers for their evisceration devices.
The Klingons get their asses handed to them
The Klingons got their asses handed to them by FuryMaxin the year 23434 CE
A friendly message from the Klingons cheese clinging to the wall behind you
PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT "COMPUTER MALFUNCTION" ABOVE. TENNIS BALLS ARE PERFECTLY HEALTHY.
By a Vogon
A Final Word
Klingons are good. Love them.