Koala

The koala is a small bear-like animal which lives in most parts of Australia, as well as some other parts of the Universe. A small fraction of the thousands of koalas spend their lives sitting at the tops of tall trees in bushland sleeping or taking drugs. But most koalas are incredibly aggressive and will attack any unfortunate person who happens to get in their way.

Koalas have been known to hide in the tops of trees in bushland, then jump down when they see hikers passing by, landing on top of them and ripping their brains out.

This year alone 90 hikers have been killed by koalas. Last year, in 2004, 220 people in total were killed. 180 were killed in 2003. Now in 2005 the death rate has at least tripled in Australia as well as in China and parts of New Mexico. Those stupid bastards need to be caught.

The aggression of koalas has been attributed to their diet. In particular, koalas are fond of eating mescaline containing eucalyptus leaves. This gives their coat a glossy sheen, but has the unfortunate side effect of causing paranoiac freak outs upon over indulgence. In the 1970's, the Australian government exploited the local population of mescaline addicted koalas to harvest mescaline for the Vietnam War effort - in addition, a side project formed to create "super koalas", today known as Drop Bears. Since this project ended, koalas have been exploited by the Gypsy Jokers; where harvested mescaline is now sold on the black market as speed.

It has been advised by the Australian government that all hikers should carry a semi-automatic rifle or a similar projectile-firing device when hiking in bushland. But this idea may not necessarily be better.

A few months ago, a large group of about fifteen koalas attacked a group of five hikers who were hiking in the bushland of Western Australia. The hikers had two shotguns between them. The koalas killed all of the hikers, then stole their guns.

A few months later, the same koalas used the two shotguns to rob a bank in the city of Perth in Western Australia, near where the koalas had killed the hikers. They stole about $100 million Australian dollars. The koalas escaped before police arrived and were never found again.

Two years later we are still trying to find those little bears. The Australian authorities say that they may have jumped on to a bus and driven across the ocean to get to China. In China the koalas were sighted and there have been rumours of attacks on pandas. "We really like panda and we no like koala killing panda" a local Chinese person said. "The other day I see panda running with koalas all over back" he stated, "at first me want to help panda but I know koala do much harm to me." This local has asked to remain anonymous but we don't care his name is Chung Wangeater.

The United States has also had problems - which is strange since not many koalas live in the United States. Two koalas which were hanging around 5th Avenue in New York City attacked and killed thirty people, and injured a further ten. The police arrived and were able to shoot and kill the koalas before they attacked anyone else.

The British have also had problems with koalas. Twenty koalas one day attacked passing cars on the M4 motorway leading out of London. They leapt off bridges and landed on top of the cars, before jumping in, killing the drivers and driving off. Fifty people were killed during this attack.

There have also been many other problems, most of them in Australia. The Australian, US and British governments have come together to create an international koala hit squad. Consisting of about one hundred professionally-trained soldiers, this hit squad will be able to take out any koalas anywhere in the world within minutes.

Until we find out more about how to destroy these evil koalas once and for all, watch out - you may be the next victim of a koala attack.

SOME INTERESTING KOALA FACTS:

• The attacks on the world trade centre towers on September the 11th, 2001 may have been organised and carried out by koalas. When the black box was collected from one of the crashed planes, a strange chattering was heard on the radio. This may have been a koala.

• The leader of the Al-Quaeda terrorist group, which organized the September 11 attacks may not be Osama Bin Laden. Osama Bin Laden may just be the second in command of Al-Quaeda. The main leader of Al-Quaeda may actually be a koala. Some other members of Al-Quaeda may be koalas as well. In fact, some people suggest that Osama Bin Laden, as well as everyone else in Al-Quaeda, may be koalas.

• Saddam Hussein, the dictator of Iraq may actually be the vice-dictator. The main dictator may actually be a koala. It is also said that Saddam and either many or all of the members of the Iraqi government and military may actually be koalas in disguise. This has been proven. When a US Marine Corps unit was fighting against a larger force of Iraqi soldiers, they heard a strange chattering from some of the men - which wasn't Iraqi language. It may have actually been koala language. Only one man of the unit of five Marines escaped alive. He said what had happened, but died in hospital a week after he came back alive.

• President George W. Bush, one of the main people who is trying to stop the koala attacks may be a koala himself. So may a number of people from the US government and military. People from the British and Australian governments may also be koalas, including John Howard, the Prime Minister of Australia and Tony Blair, the Prime Minister of England.

• Koalas may have planned and carried out the recent bombings of London underground train stations and buses. They may also be planning a large-scale attack on Washington.

• Koalas may have incited the recent riots in France