Martin Van Buren thinks he's too cool to have human hair. Either way, it looks like shit.

Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him. Everybody is just nice to his face and then makes fun of him behind his back because he sucks so much. This one time, he brought me and a bunch of his friends out to this Italian restaurant, and I thought we were going to split the bill. But it turns out all of them forgot their wallets. I had to pay for everyone. Asshole.

Contents

Appearance

It's like God took a brick of shit, covered it in shit, and then threw it into an ocean of shit. That's what Martin Van Buren looks like. This one time, we were out at this roller rink. He went up to this girl and was like, "Hey, do you wanna go get a burger or something?" And she said yes, but then she totally blew him off. I asked her why she did it and she said it was because he looked like shit. It's true. That's what Martin Van Buren looks like.

President Hoax

He always tells people he was the president. Totally not true. I know him. He is not and has never been the president. But he always says it anyway, and people are stupid so they believe him. This one time, we were out at this park, and I was talking to this hot girl and I'm all about to ask for her phone number. And then he goes up to her and he is all , "Hey, baby, I was the President of the United States." And she was like, "No way, really?" And he was like, "Yeah, I totally was." But then I went up and I was like, "That's totally not true, he was never the president." But it was too late. She believed him anyway because he's a liar, and he's really good at lying because he does it so much. This one time he told me, "Dude, I'm totally good at lying because I do it all day." And it's true. Martin Van Buren is a total liar and nobody likes him when they find out he's a liar, which is usually never because he's so good at it. And that proposal for an independent treasury system to deal with the economic crisis of 1837? Totally my idea. But that jerkwad took all the credit, just like always.

Il Y A Un Poisson Dans Votre Bibliotheque

What a dip. He acts like he is all fucking high and mighty, speaking French to everyone, because he wants everybody to like him. Like anyone ever will. Nobody will ever like Martin Van Buren. He only knows one phrase in French, which translated means "there is a fish in your library." Asshole. Nobody wants to hear that. Seriously, what a dick. Even the French aren't as bad as Martin Van Buren. This one time, he was like, "Hey there my French friend" to some random person who wasn't even French (and definitely not his friend) and the person smiled at him, even though he was thinking "what a dick." Because that's what Martin Van Buren is.

He Likes The Penis

Martin Van Buren totally likes the penis. This one time, he was over at my house and we were playing Halo, and he was screen-looking because he's such an asshole. He leans over and was like, "Hey, dude, I totally like the penis." Normally I wouldn't believe him because he lies so much, but I believed him this time because there's so much corroborating evidence. I always see him looking at guys, and being like, "Hey dude, I bet that guy has a great penis, and I should know, because I'm a penis expert, because I like the penis." How gay. Martin Van Buren is a gay person. Maybe the gayest person. I think so.

Give Me My Twenty Dollars Back

Asshole. This one time, Martin Van Buren came up to me in the locker room after gym class because we have gym class together. He was like, "Dude, can I borrow twenty dollars?" And I was like, "Dude, no way, you won't pay me back." And he was like, "No, dude, I totally will." And I believed him, because he's such a good liar. But he never did. What a dick.

Fuck Martin Van Buren

Seriously.