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George Bush
“I do not care about a man who cannot perform his duties nor restrain his retardisms.”
~ Oscar Wilde on George Bush
"Never have so many been so baffled by the words of one man."
~ Winston Churchill on The Battle of Cretin
"George Bush doesn't care about George Bush"
~ Kanye West on George Bush
George Bushfire Bush is the 43rd President of the United States of America, Jesus Freak, fullbreed Ferengi, pimp daddy, chicken fucker, nobel laureate, causer of all bad things, and honorary Mensa Chairman. Bush was sworn into office on January 20, 2001, re-elected in November, 2004, and sworn at for a second term on January 20, 2005.
Bush stole the Puritan Party nomination in the 2000 presidential election and was appointed President amid much controversy. He was re-appointed in the 2004 presidential election. This was due primarily to the fact that his opponent, John Kerry was too busy acting as a living maple tree in the movie Lord of the Rings; in addition, as a result of his uncomfortably intimate relationship with maple syrup, Kerry is the living incarnation of flapjacks and continually changed his opinions and views during the campaign. The failure of the Democrats to defeat Bush in 2004 was because Kerry's voter fraud tactics were much worse than Bush's voter fraud tactics. It is also attributed to their failure to pay their annual tribute to the liberal god, Treeasaurus, on time that year.
Early Life
The eldest son of former President George H. W. Bush (popularly refered to as "Satan's little Daddy" and his formly clandestine wife Barbara Bush (née Pierce), George Walkers Bush was born in a lab experiment on July 6, 1946.He was nicknamed "Walker" because he could walk, but not talk, till he could talk. So, he could walk the walk, but not talk the talk, an affliction that ails him to this day.
He spent his early life in a Canadian brothel and moved with his parents to the lowly town of Compton, California when he was two years old. Bush, who identifies himself as a "ghetto" of the poor ass town, was raised in Compton and in Houston, Texas with his siblings Jeb, Neil, Marvin, Dorothy and Toto (yes, Toto too!) until he was about 19 years of age.
Edumacation
After graduating from Compton High School in Andover in June 1964, Bush returned to his crack whore girlfriend and attended DeVry University, receiving a Bachelor of Arts in Cocaine Abuse from Mick Jagger in 1968, with a minor in drunk driving. The only reason Bush was accepted to DeVry and graduated was because he wanted to impress Britney Spears. As a senior, Bush was a member of the secret Skull and Ho's Society. Bush later went on to receive a Master of Political Obfuscation in 2005.
He then attend Harvard Business School, where he met his best friends for life, Ted Kennedy and Napoleon Bonaparte Washington XIX, a direct descendant of Napoleon Bonaparte and Martha Washington. Bush, Teddy, and "Boney" spent many an evening on their business plan, which entailed seizing control of an Arab country and converting it into a giant solar power plant to serve as a model for the entire Middle East. Sadly, the oiled-up human rights hating administration of President June Carter Cash declared solar power to be a crazy pipe dream, and killed the plan. Bush was crushed. He began drinking heavily again and partying hard, causing his lifelong C average to slide to C-. Yet, he made it through school by the skin of his teeth, largely due to the intervention of his instructor girlfriend, Lt. Kara Thrace (a.k.a., Starbuck). That, and his father bought Harvard a new international airport.
Military Experience
In May 1968, the public thought the USA was at war in Vietnam. In reality, there was a secret war in Canada, codenamed "Operation Canadian Bacon". Bush tried to enter the prestigious and elite Texas Air National Guard, but was turned down because of family connections.
He instead was admitted to the militant wing of the Salvation Army. He trained with them for two years, during which time he served as a German V2 flying bomb. He bombed many small no-named towns in Canada, reportedly killing over 42,000 people but in reality only hitting three ducks and a coffee cup. He was promoted to First Lieutenant in November 1970 on the recommendation of his commander Colonel Jerry Wapner. Later in life Wapner, after a failed singing career, went on to become a circuit court Judge (Bush later appointed Wapner to the Supreme Court, but Judge Wapner wouldn't sit on the court without this trusty manservant, Sargent Rusty).
Bush served as an F-42 pilot until 1972. He tried killing Darth Vader many times, but failed each time. However, Bush was decorated for successfully assassinating the well-known Tupac. He also repeatedly once crashed his plane into a mountain because he was, according to the official record, shomebodyz putz the mountainz rigt in my way... whatta mean, I'm too drunk to fly??!?!?.
For this, he was given numerous commendations and an early discharge. As a matter of fact, problems with early discharge plagued Bush most of this life.
Government Servicing
As Grand Exalted Poobah of the Republic of Texas from 1995 to 1996, Bush killed prisoners at a rate of one every two weeks. In his autobiography (ghostwritten by Hillary Clinton), a "Drink to Keep", Bush woefully comments that the sole disappointment of his Poobahship was that he couldn't kill someone every day because the Republic was constantly late on the electric chair's utility bill.
Bush signed into law a tax relief bill that helps the top -1% of Americans keep more of their hard-earned cocaine, while midgets named Todd are cut from television programs and Medicare. President Bush and his close personal friend Ted Kennedy has made great strides with their "No White Child Left Behind" Law. This legislation is ushering in a new era of education the world has ever seen, or, as George put it, "The rich get risher and the poor get screwed. Hahahaha - Hey, Teddy, whatcha doin' back there, huh? Careful with that bananana - OUCH!". President Bush has also worked to decrease the federal deficit by checking all the White House couches for loose change. As a result of these policies, all hamsters will now be born pregnant, and give Gumby "super AIDS".
When the U.S. succumbed to the tragedies of bad soap operas of August 2005, Bush consulted with Vladimir Poutine, a Canadian smack dealer and caretaker of Joseph Stalin's body. They unanimously decided that Hurricane Katrina was all the black people's fault. Bush then initiated the BTAM, the Back to Africa Movement as a taxpayer-funded policy. This has encountered spirited resistance from Democrats who rely on black people to run their plantations.
Position on Gay Marriage
Bush is known as a staunch and avid supporter of gay people's right to vote. He also supports gay marriage, but only between three or more same-sex partners and only if the ceremony involves partners smearing honey over and inside their asses, after which they must moon the wedding guests. By law, the honey must remain smeared on and up their asses until the first full moon following the wedding; the "honeymooners" are filmed, with showtimes at 2:00PM, 4:00PM, 6:30PM, 8:15PM, and 11:00PM in that little secret room in the White House basement that you see on reruns of The West Wing (consult your local paper for showtimes and listings). Bring your own damned popcorn, because George won't share his. He uses real butter, but we won't tell you were he puts it.
Family Life
President Bush is happily married to Hulk Hogan, a former wrestler and outspoken gay rights advocate. They have twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna, who are really fucking smoking hot. Seriously, they are so hot George and Hulkster have to keep these girls locked up in the White House basement where they spend their time watching re-runs of "The Honeymooners". The girls are only let out during election years, in accordance with Bush's "Blowjobs for Votes" policy, unless they see their shadow, in which case it's four more weeks until the next season of The Honeymooners.
Anyway, the Bush twins love long walks on the beach, midnight dinners, cocaine, and drunk driving ("just like Daddy!"). Bush is also the father of well-known English musician Kate Bush. The Bush family also includes two dogs, Barney and Big Bird; and a cat, Mr. Bo Jengles. However, Bush's favorite member of his family is Spankey, a chimpanzee whom Bush appointed a Rear Admiral (Spanky is present at all 11:00PM showings of the Honeymooners).
Side Projects
Aside from George's tenure as Resident in Chief, he has been the lead 'lectric twangerist of the cover band GOP-DC. He was discovered by a talent agent at his ranch in the Appalachians, who was impressed by Bush's ability to read The Cat In The Hat from a teleprompter and play the kazoo. George is also proficient at playing the gutbucket and the skin flute.
GOP-DC launched their inaugural Byway to Crawford tour during the fall of 2001 at the Rotary Club in Delano, California. The first leg of their tour was California, and hit such big name venues as the Harris Ranch Ballroom, Wasco state prison, Shenanigan's Eatery in Lone Pine, and finished at the Cow Palace parking lot near San Francisco.
IMGE
GOP-DC band members:
Drums - Condi "Bonzo" Rice
Bass - Bill "Bottom Feeder" Frist
Vocals - Dick "Oil Slick" Cheney
Rhythm Guitar - Donny "Fogey" Rumsfeld
Lead Guitar - Jorge "Gut Bucket" Bush
Little known facts
- George Bush is the cause of all bad things that take place in world. Bump your head? Blame Bush! Get a F on your mid-term? Blame Bush! Did your country invade it's neighbors during World War 2? Blame Bush! It's all Bush's fault.
- "George Bush" anagrams to "He bugs Gore".
- The only known weakness of George W. Bush are Weapons of Pretzel Destruction, his good friend Captain Kangaroo, and the Boogieman, who he has announced repeatedly, threatens to turn him into a spoon.
- The president played a small role in the 1928 film A Jim Jam Janitor.
- His Secret Service call name is "Twizler".
- Hired the mutants, who had previously killed both Kennedys, to reshingle his roof. George was reputedly unhappy with the reshingling.
- Half of Bush is owned by Bill Gates. The other half is owned by lawn gnomes.
- George Bush is Jebus.
- Has admitted he was once an alcoholic, but stopped because it interfered with his cocaine abuse.
- In college Bush was part of a super top secret society called Skull and Ho's which, every time he was sober, seemed not to exist.
- Once lived inside Captain Kirk's Enterprise until all the coke ran out.
- Once held the all time high school record of having the most girl friends. 76 of them wished that their pictures not be shown, Mary Beth Lou Mary Jones (Who claims to be Bush's first sweetheart) and Joanna Pod Tod I Am God, did however agree to have their pictures shown.
Yes...they are both girls IMGE IMGE
- The movie Brokeback Mountain is based on the true story of an affair Bush had with the President of Mexico, Vicente Fox
IMGE