Neutering unwanted pets has recently become one of the most popular usages of surplus milk.


"There is no point crying over spilt milk, unless its Jack Bauer's milk, in which case you are fucking screwed"

~ Stalin on milk

Milk is an off-white viscous ooze (not to be mistaken for Liquid Paper™) that is excreted from the boobies of fur-laden animals. This article will confine its attention to milk of the porcine (i.e cow) variety.

Contents

Famous milkmen

Your Dad


How Milk is Produced

After billions of cows are harvested from the field with industrial cow-raping machines, they are hand-sorted into several piles based on size, color, and weight. Next, the cows are generously sprayed with DDT, and led into a chamber of horrors replete with rotating knives, frenzied ninjas, filibustering congresspersons, hydraulic presses, Linda Tripp, suction hoses, and loud elevator music. The drippings are then passed through powerful centrifuges that separate out the raw milk for further processing. (The leftover gooey residue is diverted to the manufacturing of miscellaneous products such as dog food, cosmetics, baseball bats, and McDonald's hamburgers.) The country of Magnesia is one of the world's leading exporters of milk.

The raw milk is then zapped with powerful lasers to kill off at least some of the deadly bacterial contamination, which accidentally grants the rest superpowers. Finally, the milk is fortified with vitamins and minerals and testosterone and MSG and other hormones, aged to the point of one day before expiration, and then stocked in the dairy section of your local conglomerated supermarket.

History of milk

The origin of when, how, and who discovered milk remains largely a mystery. However, a popular theory, based on recently discovered cave paintings, is that a primitive human with a mental disorder walked up to a cow, and upon seeing a large pink bag, wondered to himself, "I wonder what would happen if I squeezed that big pink thing down there..." Seizing his hand around the cow's nipples, he gave it a large squeeze, causing the white liquid later known as milk to come out. The cow, not very happy about having some horny male human squeezing her private area, promptly reared up her legs and gave him a good kick in the noggin, killing him. A nearby tribe member had happened to have seen the incedent however, and after giving the cow a few good swigs of whisky, began squeezing the nipples of the now very drunk and sedate cow. Once the milk came out again, he exclaimed to himself "I say, I wonder what this weird, white liquid that just came out of this cow tastes like!" Taking a sip, he found that it had a most refeshing and delicious taste. Soon, the use of cows' tits spread across the world. Soon after, various other animals were put under the test of this method. Some of the other types of milk one can find is goat's and yak's. However, as with any revolution, many unsuccesful expirements were tried on other animals, such as turtles, sharks, and lions.

“As long as it's warm and furry, I'll grab that sucker and squirt some milk into my glass! Now that's what I call good drinkin'!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Milk


Milk Abuse

Milk became the "Sissy drink of all eternity" in 549 b.c. when Steve Erkel warped through a time--dimension rift and drank it right in front of King McMaceral who then outlawed it for all eternity. Since then, outlaw sissies have been drinking it in secrecy to gain strength in defence of bullies with its genetic enhancing powers. It is well known that Superman was once a sissy but after drinking 4 billion gallons of illicit milk, he gained super-human powers. After the American government figured this out, they promptly virally infected him with a genetically modified virus that paralyzed his body. Milk is now strictly controlled by our government and is most commonly found in cleaning products.

Health Benefits of Drinking Milk

Health Risks of Drinking Milk

Popularity of Milk

Results of 2003 survey of out-patients at de Varfschaaaarp hospital, Holland

  1. Milk
  2. Milk
  3. Lemonade

Results of 2003 survey of patients "round the corner" at de Varfschaaaarp hospital, Holland

  1. Fudge
  2. Chocolate

Famous Celebrities who Sold Out and now Push Milk for the Milk Industry

See Also