"NERDS!!!!"
~ Ogre on Oscar Wilde
"I found the whole idea of nerd infuriating"
~ Winston Churchill on nerds
"I hate nerds!!"
~ hot babe on nerds
"I don't fuck woman anyway"
~ Oscar Wilde on hot babe
"Nerds...... MEGATROOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!""
~ Optimus Prime on nerds
"what was god thinking when he created nerds?"
~ Benedict XVI on nerds
"All nerds should be sent to concentration camp"
~ Hitler on nerds
"Hehehehe nerd! teehee!"
~ Ninja With Pants Moshe on nerds
"Maybe my darker instincts are correct about Nerds. Maybe the knowledge that I deny is the truth... the knowledge that Nerds is dark and willing to destroy all things."
~ Martin Heidegger on Nerds
A Nerd is a super sexy halterofilist. While some lucky individuals are born nerds, the rest of us have to work hard in order to achieve such potential. Nerds love to eat steak.
Contents |
History
“Who? Me?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Nerd
With Al Gore came the internet, and with it the nerds...
Nerds have only existed for the last 250 years. Before that, individuals who were nerdlike were called twats, buggers and "Your Highness".
The Nerd
Nerds are a sub-species of the genus Homo Sapiens Nerdicus. They are much like miniature humans, with long gangly arms, short thin legs, and large limpid pools for eyes (much like Gollum). Many nerds also have a hunch, which is developed from living in their parents attic or basement for many years. Nerds can also be distinguished by their terrible facial acne, elongated heads and glasses. Most nerds, like Kevin Koh (aka cousin kevin) and Ian Askins live at Bergen County Academies.
Nerdic fashion can be frightening in the first encounter. Trousers are worn around the midsection rather than the hips. This is because nerds actually lack hips of any sort; instead they have hinges attaching legs to pelvis. The odd, shambling gait of Nerdkind is attributed to this, as they can only throw their legs forward rather than walk. Nerds generally wear shirts or t-shirts. Shirts will be tucked into the waist, and secured by a faux-leather belt. T-shirts will generally bear a hideously unfunny joke, comprehensible only to other nerds, or a Dungeons and Dragons logo. Nerd clothing can be used to distinguish the two kinds of nerd. The clothes of the nerd which lives away from its parents will be stained, as nerds have no knowledge whatsoever of laundry. The clothes of the nerd still living with his parents will be clean, ironed and starched, limiting the movement of these nerds.
Eating Habits
Most nerds live off a diet of ordered fast-food, as they dare not venture far from their nest. Nerds have a unique stomach: it digests only a fraction of all eaten food and bypasses protein completely. this is why nerds are skinny and have massively underdeveloped physiques. Nerds also miss many essential vitamins from only eating fast food, which is why their skin is pallid, and many develop scurvy.
- It should be noted some nerds lose their ability to bypass protein completely. They become large and will never mate.
Habitat
Nerds will set up a nest in their chosen domicile, which will be either in student accommodation with other nerds (such as the chess club) or in their parents house. Nerd nests are very dark, as all windows will be covered, and dominated mainly by a computer, where a Nerd will spend most of his time. Nerd nests can be dangerous; anyone who touches the computer of a Nerd will be attacked viciously . Many Nerds are rabid so if you are bitten by a Nerd you should see a doctor immediately. Other hallmarks of a Nerd nest are fast food containers, computer magazines, rare comic books and a heap of scrunched-up paper which the Nerd will sleep on.
Nerds are native to several locations including Slashdot, Kuro5hin, Seattle, Uncyclopedia...yes, you are on the way of becoming a nerd yourself.
Lifestyle
Nerds are semi-nocturnal creatures, and will sleep for a few hours during the day before returning to their computer. The majority of the time a Nerd spends on his/her computer will be on internet forums, where they will sneer at everything they consider to be of a lower class than them, which they believe is everything. And when they carry out vocal conversation with other nerds, if any at all, they would inevitably sneer at everyone whose specialty is of a lower class than their art of prgramming, which they believe is everything too, except when they are talking with non-nerds, whom they will never have the ball to attack in real life. Despite their being defenseless against non-nerds, these "non-nerd bastards" will nevertheless be regarded as losers who are too stupid and pathetic to understand the higher human truth shared by the nerd community, where these blasphemers would suffer from eternal damnation, for example, in the internet forum, though the effects of these damnation in real life are still in question. Many Nerds have put forward theories that Nerddom is the highest state of being, which have later proved to be wrong. The social life of the Nerd consists of e-mailing other Nerds, school/college/university, and the single out-nest meeting place of Nerds, comic book stores. Most of the time they talk in their widlely accepted language of binary. This continues to baffle leading experts on nerdology. The other pastime of the Nerd is playing Dungeons and Dragons, which is a board game mainly consisting of imagining things, and has been condemned by the Catholic Church as being an introduction to the Dark Arts, and that all who play will burn in Heck.
Religion
The majority of Nerds are believers in Star Trek, a mysterious religion based around an old space expedition. Nerds will flock in their thousands to conventions, where they will dress up as their gods and conduct strange and terrible rituals. There is no official head of the Nerd religion, though the announcer at the convention is treated as a nominal leader. The God Captain Picard is thought of as the ideal for all Nerds, none of whom ever attain such a state. Interestingly, all Nerds are secretly attracted to the Goddess Captain Janeway.
Nerds and race
The nerdish race was a term used by the populations of both nerds and non-nerds. While the nerds use it as a symbol of their self-proclaimed technical superiority, the non-nerds deem it more appropriate to use it to classify the nerds out of their community.
Many nerds envisage a day, most probably inspired by science fiction which sets the stage at 30000 AD, when the nerdish race becomes the only race capable of creating and maintaining culture and civilizations, while other races such as the "handsome race" and the "socially presentable race", will be barely able to sustain their lives without the help from nerds. Many books and movies have put forward this glorious vision of their future, most notably, the Revenge of the nerds.
Nerds and S.E.X.
Nerds have zero sex drive. All the hormones in their bodies escape through burst pimples and evaporates into the surrounding air. The closest they come is fantasies of their god--goddess Captain Kirk or Captain Janeway.
On the rare chance a nerd mates it's always with another nerd. The offspring are known as Nerdlings and will always grow up to be a nerd.
Definition of safe sex for nerds
Contrary to popular belief, Nerds IN FACT need sex. Due to their superior genetic nature, their sex partners are always their computers and moist towels. During their sexual arousal, their faces will undergo muscle restructuring and their facial nerdish characteristics will automatically manifest themselves such that they look like having suffered from extreme fire burn. Reports from the latest research showed that some 30% of nerds do cry out during orgasm, which is effectively their only chances of practicing their vocal folds, while the remaining 70% have already lost their speaking abilities.
For Nerds, their definition of safe sex is a bit different from others'. For them, Safe sex is when they jerk off with a clean moist towel, while dangerous sex is widely regarded as jerking off with a rotten moist towel or those used by other nerds in their community.
Predators of the Nerd
The main natural predator of the Nerd is the bully. Nerds live in perpetual fear of bullies, and will scuttle from dark corner to dark corner when they leave the nest. Bullies can sniff out a Nerd from two-hundred metres, as the Nerd releases a hormonal chemical called geekisterone (actually <<Poindextrose>>, but they don't watch The Simpsons anyways) when they sweat, speak, and or urinate.
Common Nerd-spotting Mistakes
When a nerdwatcher spots a Nerd wandering down the street he has to make sure that the nerd is an actual nerd and not a geek. Geeks are regular humans with an lesser IQ rating, and are smaller, more frail and more acne-covered then nerds. The best test of Nerd or Geek is to check the nest. The Geek nest is grungy, dark and rank, and will feature a large selection of books and a chemistry set as well as a computer. The Nerd's nest is probably Uncyclopedia. Another outstanding feature of a geek that seperates them from nerds is that geeks, especially of the pencil-neck variety, are often hunted by professional wrestler Classie Freddie Blassie, who once swore to kill all grit-eatin', scum-suckin', dirty smelly pepper-bellied cotton-pickin' freaks (pencil neck geeks). There are also many mistakes as to what class of nerd they are. Class 3 nerds are the lowest and are usually found in the footsteps of a class 1 or 2 nerd. Class 3 nerds have no common sense, but alas common sense isn't that common anymore. Class 2 nerds are those whose life's purpose is to become the ultimate nerd or class 1 nerd. The ultimate nerd is someone who will get into arguments with others such as "Everyone knows you at least need a hyper drive to outrun the millenium falcon." and "The star ship Enterprise has some serious design flaws that could be fixed with a simple antimatter globaldiscombobulation device." Class 1 nerds will spend hours at a time constantly rearring their magic deck to better trick the opponent. They have been found to draw immaculate paintings which apparently say " I love my spleen!". Another way to distinguish a nerd is if the subject is stuck inside a building trying to pull the bar of a door with a "Push Bar to Open" sign on it.
Luckily, Glamour magazine has published some tips on being nerdy. Below are a few of the suggestions they made for those individuals looking to be called a nerd:
- Style - dress like you do not care. Girls like you because of your natural sex-appeal
- Social - read Slashdot a lot. The chicks digg it
- Money - spend it all on hardware an D&D-rulebooks (chicks dig the worthless expenditure of money.)
- Cocky - they act as if they are smarter than anyone but often miss the whole point especially when penetrating. They always want to outsmart other non-nerds but never realize trying to act less "smart" as they are can also be a socializing skill.