An aerial photograph of No Orleans (provided by Google Earth.)

“There was a house in New Orleans that caught the rising flood. It's been the ruin of many a po'boy and Lord I know I'm one...”

~ Oscar Wilde on No Orleans

"If it keeps on rainin', levee's goin' to break, If it keeps on rainin', levee's goin' to break, And all these people have no place to stay."

~ Led Zeppelin on No Orleans

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA! LOSERS! AHAHAHAHA!."

~ Poseidon on Geographically Challenged Cities

"New_Orleans has quit IRC (Excess Flood)"

- An IRC server on No Orleans
 

At some point in the distant past this article referred to a current event.

No Orleans (previously Old Orleans, New Orleans, or New Atlantis) was once located in Louisiana.

Out of all the cities in America, it was probably the most accurately depicted in the movies.

No Orleanians did have Southern drawls. They sounded like New Yorkers less than anything else. Of course, the film industry would know that, because it's run by a bunch of Left-Coast pussies who were apparently too wise and prissy to actually come down and get their Pradas wet. Effette bitches. The No Orleans accent has now been wiped off the map as the city and its inhabitants have sunk deep beneath the waves.

Contents

Politics

No Orleans is the capital city of the State of Marineland, a US state which separated from St. Louisiana in 2005 only to sink beneath the ocean. The governor is Jacques Cousteau and the state flag is mostly a vast expanse of blue. All tax revenue goes to a big fat used car salseman named FatHead Benson to pay for the Sports Cartel Associaton's New Orleans Saints football team.

The state bird is the Sitting Duck.

Counties in the No Orleans region are known as parishes, as most of those who didn't get out of the state quickly enough have perished. The local mayor is Stingray Nagin, a big fish in a small pond who rules New Atlantis in a style befitting the Codfather.

Contrary to popular rumour, the The Lord Humungus no longer rules the city's gasoline supply.

Climate

Weather

No Orleans is fortunate to be protected from most weather systems. After the installation of the severe weather shield, No Orleans no longer fears even the most severe weather. The temperature is a balmy 90° and unlike other cities it never gets cold at night. The lowest temperature ever recorded in No Orleans after the SWS was created was 78 degrees.

Humidity

While the temperature is always a cool 90° or so, the humidity of No Orleans can often make it feel less than comfortable. Due to its current location of mostly underwater, the humidity in No Orleans often exceeds 100%. This high heat and humidity often gives rise to a condition known as SWAS (Sweaty Ass Syndrome).

Fortunately, the designers of No Orleans avoided repeating the tragic mistake made by the builders of the original Ile d'Orléans near Québec City. By leaving Ile d'Orléans sticking out above the water, they left the island exposed to wind, snow and ice, rendering it all but uninhabitable.

History

Marineland state flag

New Orleans was founded by the Spanish a long time ago. Then the French came along under Napoleon, whipped Spain's ass (without surrendering once), and took the entire Louisiana territory (which, at the time, went all the way up to what is now Canada) in exchange for not completely ruining Spain's shit. If that sounds unbelievable, keep in mind that France was led by a Corsican at the time. After quickly deciding that the Louisiana territory was useless, Napoleon sold the whole damn thing to the United States, who broke the territory up into smaller pieces to keep from being devoured by it.

New Orleans was in the Louisiana territory. It was, like, at the bottom although its current location in the wake of Hurricane Katrina remains unknown. Prayers are being offered to patron saint Joan of Arc, Maid of New Orleans of the New Orleans saints and a search party is expected to be dispatched from the city of New New Orleans as soon as the flood waters subside.

What remains of New Orleans is now known as New Venice. In the future, No Orleans will be annexed by Texas for use as the world's biggest Six Flags Waterpark.

The French named New Orleans after Old Orleans, home of the maid of Orleans who was considered a virgin. Currently, virgins are unlikely to be found in New Orleans.

Geography

No Orleans was a bowl-shaped city and is now believed to be located in the Gulf of Mexico. The soil on which No Orleans was built is a mix of swamp peat, shit, and sand; these soft, unstable materials were somehow expected to hold key floodwalls in place even though the foundations inexplicably only went ten feet deep. Ellen deGenères has long advocated the introduction of more and stronger dikes to control the floodwaters of No Orleans. Since she does not have any balls she does not possess the strength to perform the task herself.

Future








Life in No Orleans

The main occupation of those who are not half fish consists of looting and rioting. Those that are half fish tend to frolic amongst the sewerage, which is like a tasty soup to them. Even in the absence of most human inhabitants, considerable class differences have broken out between the fish and predatory reptiles. The fish are accused of breaking into submerged shops to feed on growing algae and decaying food. The reptiles, in turn, are accused of eating the fish. Critics have charged that the federal government has been ignoring the plight of the city's new fish inhabitants; however, according to Fox News anchor Brit Hume, the charges of species bias are wildly overblown.

Economy

While there is no housing post-Katrina, the city's employment outlook is currently favorable for those in the construction, sewage cleanup, law enforcement, and con artist fields.

The city's brand new College of Organized Heists located in the reminants of the New Orleans Aquarium has graduated its first class, who have received very favourable employment offers in the Houston and Beaumont/Port Arthur areas. The Aquarium is also busy training killer sharks to manage loanshark operations and to practice law.

The Al-Qaeda School of Opportunity is also offering courses in assisting nature, ranging from "Pre-Hurricane Levee Sabotage 101" to "Advanced Fault Slippage Induction". First lesson: If you plan to destroy a major US city, don't give yourself an Arab-sounding name like Osama or the gringos will try to blow you back to Allah. Name yourself something innocuous-sounding like Katrina and the Bush brigade will ignore you utterly in order to concentrate on blowing up Iraq.

Walking in No Orleans

Famous No Orleaners

Culture in No Orleans

Hello, America, how are you?
Don't you know me, I'm your native son
I'm the train they call the City of No Orleans
I'll be gone beneath the waves when the day is done.

No Orleans is famous for its music. Favourite tunes include "Somewhere Down the Crazy River" and Chris deBurgh's "Don't pay the ferry man."

Katrina and the Waves took No Orleans by storm, as did Billy Ocean. Handel's Water Music can also oft be heard amongst the wreckage.

Food and drink

No Orleans is best known for the MRE diet, where MRE stands for My Refrigerator's Empty. Nonetheless, a fine meal can normally be had by looting. If this fails, contact FEMA as they're always full of baloney.

Books and cinema

No Orleans is famous for the «Gulls Gone Wild» tapes, where flocks of gulls descend upon what was the French Quarter in order to claim Mardi Gras beads from amidst the rubble.

Perennial favourite books and television programming in No Orleans include Moby Dick as well as anything by Jacques Cousteau.

Although Kevin Costner has been laughed at for his movie Waterworld, it seems he was a visionary after all. We really should all apologise for not seeing the movie at the movie-theatre, but waiting for it to be aired on TV.

Radio and TV

Local broadcast stations include:

Tourism

Things for tourists to do in No Orleans

President George Bush, along with George Bush Sr., on a recent vacation in Atlantis II (formerly known as New Orleans).

Drown. Seriously. The whole city's completely submerged in twenty feet of toxic sludge. If you don't drown, you can also catch a variety of fun and interesting water-borne diseases, like yellow fever and cholera. Many tourists enjoy hand feeding the new orleans refugees bread crumbs.

Flash your water jugs.

Get drunk and pee in public

There's a game called Finding Nemo, whoever finds Nemo wins the game, if you find SpongeBob or other underwater people then you're executed.

Festivals and events

Major festivals in No Orleans include Mardi Gras, Southern Decadence and the traditional new year's Mayor's Levee.

A long-standing annual tradition, the Mayor's Levee is a celebration held at the water's edge where citizens of this fine city are encouraged to bring sandbags and join in many fun activities.

Description of Those Who Used to Live There

You know how the rest of the country thinks of places like Tennessee and Kentucky as "The South"? That was "The North" to us. "North" to New Orleanians was "anywhere where it, like, snows."

And we didn't have Southern accents. Runaway Jury, The Client, and Double Jeopardy could kiss my ass.

Despite persistant rumors that 62% of the city was African-American, most of us were actually French. Well, we were once we shipped out all the African-Americans to Houston, anyway.

And, despite our French heritage, we showered regularly and were not assholes. Our women were fat from all the beignets, though, and weighed, on average, the same as a Chevy Tahoe. This was a boon for the local snow-shoe sellers who spent all their time repairing damaged and crushed tennis rackets.

All New Orleanians had the last name "Neville" or "Du'"-something. The most influential in Katrina-era No Orleans typically had names like «duBateau» or «Del'hélicoptère».

Things for Time Travellers to do in New Orleans

If you're going to tour pre-Katrina New Orleans, be sure to bring a camera. You can get some great shots of actual African-Americans in New Orleans before the banishment.

If you're visiting post-Katrina No Orleans, don't forget to tour our famous "Cholera District"

Those tourists visiting from the 2046 breast-cancer epidemic era might want to bring your own beads if you plan on attending the Mardi Gras festivities.

Warning: Traffic was heavy in New Orleans in the past. Plunking your DeLorean in the middle of Interstate 10 would have raised eyebrows, especially if the lanes were in contraflow at the time of arrival, and you'd better not have been doing 88 mph in the French Quarter. Furthermore, cries of "You're gonna see some serious shit!" would not have been accepted.

There was a house in No Orleans
That caught the rising flood
It's been the ruin of many a po'boy
And God I know I'm one
Katrina was a cyclone
She soaked my new bluejeans
Our mayor was a gamblin' man
Bet on these levees
Now the only thing a gambler needs
Is a suitcase and a trunk
And the only time he's satisfied
Is when he's on a drunk
So mothers, tell your children
Not to do what I have done
Spend your lives in hurt and misery
In the House of the Rising Flood
Well, I got one foot on the platform
The other foot on the train
I'm goin' back to No Orleans
To watch this city drain.


Hurrican Katrina

See also

Welcome to New Orleans


Quasi-Featured Article
This article was nominated to become a featured article; however, due to a voting discrepancy in Florida involving Oprah and rabid squirrels, it didn't make the cut. It's the thought that counts, right? You can prevent Oprah's nefarious plans from working by voting for other articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.