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Yo' momma's so fact that when she sits around the house, she does it literally!

Oscar "The Pimp" "Wildebeest" Wilde is the penultimate master of the pen, as well as the debate.

Wilde in his famous post-binge drinking slouch, his drink of choice being Passion Pop.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called-experts at Wikipedia have an article about: Oscar Wilde.

“He is a man I greatly admire.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde


Oscar Wilde, also known as The Irish poet, "Butch Oscar", "Ladykiller" and "Macho Commando", was a novelist, playwright, musician, Freemason, Master of the art of Headbutt, cosmonaut, cheesemonger, member of Riverdance, time traveller, noted wit, professional trampolinist, world snooker champion, knight, Inventor of ham, martial artist, cossack dancer, the 12th member of the Patriots, linux hacker, world bingo champion, level 57 manbeast, Reiki grandmaster, yodeller, wizard/warlock/Rabbi/sorcerer/magician, chancellor of the exchequeor, master of the deadly art of Dimac, former underwear model, world yo-yo champion, pikachu, master monkeyraper, and Lord High Arbiter of the Nintendo.

In addition to these many achievements, he is also the inventor of baking soda, night storage heaters, wax, and bondage gear. An avid hippo hunter, Wilde is a stylish man-about-town, occasional car mechanic, jack of all trades, woman, Oscar of some others, goalkeeper for Angeren 6, part-time superhero, Eurovision winner, and the Champion of Hyrule. However, he is best known for being the record-holder of Saying Bugger off, tic-tac-toe grandmaster, older brother of Optimus Wilde, original injector of the cream in Twinkies, and one of the greatest men ever to live.

More recently, he has been elevated to the status of demigod, which has been confirmed by God ("Yeah, Ole Wild-E sure knows how to convince a guy through freestyle battle rap." -God) He was also the Founder, Secretary, and Chief Editor of the Uncyclopedia and Master of the Hallowed Book. He gave birth to Pithy Saying Man, and Cecil. Joe Walsh is rumoured to know his current location, although he refuses to answer any questions.


Contents

Political Career

Amongst his many talents, Wilde was a master storyteller and serial fibber, which quite naturally led him into Politics. Much has been written about his political career, but perhaps the most telling was the following exerpt from It's a Wilde, Wilde Life

"He led a highly controversial presidency, and is largely considered to be a failure. He was voted out of office abruptly in 1971, replaced with the reformer, Charles Nelson Reilly. The Presidential Battle Royale of 1975 is believed to have been caused by him. Calvin Coolidge became determined to retake the Presidency after such a humilating show by Oscar Wilde. Oscar Wilde was later killed by Coolidge, in 1989. Despite this fact, the war continued for 11 more years."
~ It's a Wilde, Wilde Life, Andrew Morton (2002).

As well known as he was in his native Ireland, Wilde was never able to beat the O'Marleys at the pollbox, nor in the pub.

Oscar Wilde, an infamous counterfeiter of the 1990s, only printed his own picture on $5 bills believing no one would notice. He was correct.

BONUS FACT: Oscar Wilde was an infamous counterfieter in his youth.

Deification

Oscar Wilde is the unofficial short-duration personal savior of Uncyclopedia.

In his journeys back in time, Oscar Wilde went back in time to visit the Mayan civilization, "because I heard about their bitchin' chihuahua burritos", he said. His trip, intended only to be a stopover at a Taco Bell, became a five-year saga later detailed in the Popoh-Vuhl, in which Oscar became the multi-peniied deity Oxcar Wylzaerxhatrwha, which descended from the sun to bless the land with an overabundance of spooge and orange soda.

Star Wars fans, driven mad by the infinite suckitude of the three prequels, maintain it is Oscar Wilde's exploits with aliens one Halloween which led to the scene in Return of the Jedi with C3PO being mistaken for a god by the Ewoks. However, this is actually the exploits of John Wayne.

At one point in his counterfeiting career, Oscar did try to give himself an entry into the Book of Kells, detailing him as a god of ancient Ireland, but William Butler Yeats caught him and, Oscar was sentenced for a season to become a can-can dancer in Las Vegas.

Other resources include:

Art inspired by Wilde

The Wilde Quote Saga

Oscar Wilde is, without argument, King of the Quotes. However, this has not been without consequence. Amongst his more illustrious achievements, Oscar Wilde is also known as the "King of the People Who Get their Quotes Stolen". More so than any other man (save Anonymous), Oscar Wilde has his quotes stolen, misrepresented, and has hideous travesties attributed to him.

So rampant is Wilde quote-misattribution, that even his own publication, Uncyclopedia, contains many quotes falsely attributed to the Great Author. To combat this, his children now authenticate all Wilde's original quotes.

Wilde quote-misattribution is the national sport of England. Because of this, it is extraodinarily easy to find Oscar Wilde quotes (official and not), leading to greater confusion. Indeed as Wilde himself once said:

“It's a sorry man who can not invent an Oscar Wilde quote to fit his situation.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Making up Oscar Wilde quotes


Due to it being the national sport, it is considered most polite among the middle classes of England to answer any telephonic enquiry relating to the desirability of a quote with the sentence "Oooo - yes please, can I have an Oscar Wilde one? He's my favourite!"

The more progressive and risque among Britain's social climbers may on occasion be tempted to ask for a quote by Winston Churchill, although the old money still views this as irredeemably gauche.

"Man's achivements are not measured in the quantity of quotes he has been responsible for. Quite the opposite. I, myself hope nobody ever quotes anything I ever say."

~ Des Williams on Oscar Wildes quotes.


Famous Quotes Stolen Borrowed Stolen By Lesser Authors

Throughout history, many pearls of wisdom have been stolen from Wilde by other authors. The most commonly heard stolen quotes are:

For a complete list of stolen quotes, see Stolen Oscar Wilde quotes.

Filmography

Appearance on American Idol

In late 2006 / early 2007, rumors spread around the Internet, started by this guy about the missing "Oscar Wilde Bitch-Slaps Simon Cowell" episode of the 2006 season of American Idol. It was rumored that Simon Cowell was beaten so badly he had to be replaced by a robot. Any links promising footage led to 404 or porno pages. Spam e-mails went around the Internet saying Oscar Wilde had enrolled in the contest as a way to get past Cowell's security, to "physically express his loathing hatred of Simon Cowell".

However, the story finally hit the mainstream media when Entertainment Tonight aired the shocking video clips. The clips began by showing Oscar Wilde show up drunk, then begining to belt out the lyrics to "Baby Got Back" in a sort of Jamacan/Welsh falsetto accent. Simon then stops Oscar from singing and begins to diss Oscar in his trademark fashion. However, unlike other contestants who stand their like a bitch and take it, Oscar proceeded to leap over the table and beat Simon mercilessly with a sturgeon he'd previously concealed in his codpiece. The video recorded Oscar's prose for posterity, including famous insults such as "Do you think being gay means you have any taste?", "Recording wrestler's records? Teletubbies? WHAT WE YOU THINKING?!", "Usurp me as Brittain's most well-know poof, NEVER?", "If you know what makes good singing why are you hanging out with Paula Abdul?", "Stop spreading the myth that British and gay are the same!", "You know damn well Elton John is dead-butch and gays it up to sell records!" and other things not beeped by the censors.

However, Wilde soon after unleashed the ravenous attack lawyers the Church of Scientology he keeps in its basement upon ET!, suing the entertainment show for slander, libel, and making the camera add 20lbs to his ass. Geraldo soon came out with his own examination of the video, claiming the ET! expert's examination of Oscar's bitch-slap ("back...and to the left.....back...and to the left") was really lifted from the Oliver Stone movie JFK.

Simon Cowell however never spoke up about the incident, while the FOX network denied it ever happened. Simon Cowell's publicist later denied his client and Oscar Wilde had ever been in a fight and that his client had been injured to the point he needed to be replaced by a robot, even when the National Enquierer ran pictures of Simon Cowell oiling himself and fixing the wires sticking out of his neck, as well as the candid shots of him connected to an electrical socket at a popular L.A. nightclub, as well as reports of a comatose Simon Cowell being found in a nursing home in Bad Ass, Texas.

the movie "Wilde"

In 1997, Oscar tried out for the title role playing himself in the biographical movie about him named "Wilde". Much to his dismay, however, the casting director said he was far too butch to play himself, and therefore the title role went to Stephen Fry. Oscar complained that Stephen Fry looked nothing like him and his voice was much too dry ("Not enough absinthe! My god, the man's a teetotaler for Heaven's sake! Get that man some absinthe!") and threatened to sue the producers, though they offered him a technical advisory position if he'd stop litigation. Oscar agreed, but the lawsuit was back on when Jude Law was selected to play Lord Alfred Douglas ("How can Jude Law, a man who's so straight he cheated on his wife for another woman, play a mincing little queen as grand as Alfie was? Just because he has a good fake English accent doesn't mean he's gay!") This time, the producers scoffed at Oscar's lawsuit, and he was bared from the set when he tried to show Jude Law how a real homosexual screws another man, using Jude Law himself as an example.

Litigation against the producers is still pending at this time. Jude Law has a restraining order saying Oscar Wilde can't be within 500 feet of him, nor can any 500ft dildo or other sex toy Oscar Wilde may be using.

Bibliography


Discography

See Also

Making up Oscar Wilde quotes The Most Quotable Smackdown of All Time Oscar Wilde's Guide to Being Emo