Poutine was the Prime Minister of Canada from 711-725 AD. He is to Canada what paté de fois gras and Jerry Lewis are to France, combined.
Discovery and Modern Use
While his 14-year rule lead to significant cultural advancements, including the establishment of Ehtheism as the national religion, he is best known for the bizarre accident in which he died. While attempting to make a giant cauldron of gravy for his Thanksgiving dinner, he was absentmindedly snacking on cheese fries, which he had invented a week ago. He slipped on a moose cock and fell into the gravy, along with his fries. While his loved ones were horrified upon discovering his gooey corpse, they had to admit that he was pretty tasty.
Ehtheists quickly realized the importance of his discovery, and introduced batches of "poutine" (some containing a little bit of His Holy Hoser, some vegetarian) into their weekly religious services. For it is written, "The Lord is my food cart, I shall not go hungry."
Also Note: Poutine is known to give the consumer special powers, such as the 'Power to Ignore American Imperialism Even Though It Is Obviously Corrupting the Land of the Igloo'
Other Things Called Poutine
When on pilgrimage to Canada, one must be cautious not to confuse «poutine» with «putain» - otherwise who knows what you may end up eating.
New Brunswick also exports a variation of poutine, in which the ingredients are actually compressed under a heavy weight until they congeal into a solid lump which resembles a medicine ball.
Often confused with the food, Vladimir Poutine is the current czar of Russia. His name comes from the fact that the Poutine clan of Cocksacks were well known for their sallow complexions, weakness for cheese, gravy and fried potatos and their tendency to die early from heart disease.
Frequently Asked Questions
- Does anyone really actually eat something that looks like it came out of the back of a moose?
- Yes, his name is Gord.
- Where can I get a poutine?
- In Québec.
- What is the fastest way to get a heart attack in the province of Québec?
- Find a building with a sign outside labelled “LaFleur”
- Repeat the phrase, “Une poutine, s’il vous plaît” (for Americans, simply approach the counter and shout repeatedly, “GIMMEE A GODDAMN POO-TEEN!”—it’s expected)
- Exchange small metal objects or pieces of paper for a plate of something resembling moose excrement (see above)
- Eat
- Repeat.
- Why would someone do this?
- Native Québecers use it as a compact, high-calorie fuel source for their long journeys to and from the bar to get Canadian Beer, which they use to keep their blood from freezing. These treks often involve many miles of burrowing through solid ice, and short periods of hibernation along the way are not uncommon.