"Prostitutes are people who practice prostitution. When they've practiced enough to get really good at it, they're called 'politicians.'"
~ Reverend Loveshade on Prostitution
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Definition
1. The act of exchanging sexual favors for cash. Similar to marriage, but without the certificate. And with sex.
2. Also regarded as the opposite of constitution.
3. What men probably suffer from or have exploited when their prostate is very swollen and infected.
Not to be confused with EuroSTDs the website handing out Sexually Transmitted Diseases FREE* for Money, no matter how similar they may sound.
Prostitutes
To avoid legal prosecution, prostitutes have become increasing vague about exactly what services they offer. They may, or may not, be willing to exchange your money for vaginal intercourse, sexual intercourse, anal intercourse, oral intercourse, coarse intercourse, and/or blankets. But they are forbidden, under United Nations Health Code "Sealed Lips," to stick their tongue in your mouth. This is because U.N. health insurance covers V.D., but not bad breath.
They are also authorized to refuse services to any person for any reason, unless you're a porn star or a Christian televangelist. If you aren't either one of the above, you are probably too ugly to get away with soliciting a prostitute for any reasonable amount of money.
History of Prostitution
Prostitution is the oldest profession known to Man, and to Woman. It was invented in the year 3994 BC by Eve, who tried to convince God to pay her for sex. This greatly upset the Creator, who kicked her, her brother and husband Adam, and Eve's pimp Snake Eyes out of the Garden of Eden. (Her pimp later became a famous television and movie star under his real name, Monty Python.)
Though unable to speak or form words such as 'prostitute' unless on television, monkeys were the first to practice prostitution (see Bullshit#Prehistory).
A prostitute originally was a woman or girl who played with a man's penis for relatively worthless items such as a polished rock, a pretty shell, or a first-born child. It was during this time they were known as "cheap whores." Later, prostitutes found they could make more money humping men who had successfully invested in real estate. This explains the origin of the term, "dirt cheap."
One of the earliest prostitutes was "Ruth," found in the Bible and other things you find in cheap motels. According to the Biblical Book of Ruth 69:12, "If thou thinkest that Ruth liest in the bed of Boaz only to sleep therein, thou art a dumbass."
Prostitutes in Movies
Noted film reviewer Pat Robertson said, "The best whorename ever must be the name 'Easy', given to the prostitute in the movie Preteen Slut III: Taxi Driver. When I first saw the film, I was so taken by her appearance and seductive manner that I was sorely tempted to break the law and enter that young vessel of excitement." (Note that a representative for Pat Robertson claims the Christian televangelist/movie reviewer was badly misquoted. "Pat did not say or imply in any way whatsoever that he was tempted to 'break the law.' Not at all. What he actually said was he was tempted to 'ignore the law.'")
Prostitutes in Literature
Prosetitutes (a splinter group of regular prostitutes) are a type of literary genius not found in Red Alert districts. While onboard the original ship used to circumnavigate the world (known as Noah and Joan Arc's Floating Pet Emporium), they built their own ship. (The name of this floating sex shop explains the origin of the popular term for sexual manipulation, "petting.") They set out on their own, splitting from their sisters Marcia, Jan, and Cindy. While on their journey, they wrote prose, invented gravity, and ate fish. This explains why they smell that way.
They later met up with their prostitute sisters on Monkey Island, near the western coast of Luxembourg.
William Shakespeare has penned a number of couplets about prostitutes, including his breakout Fatty McFat-Slut and I Would Not, Could Not, Suck Your Dick Young Man. One particularly famous one goes like this:
You say that life flies mighty quick.
Well, not so fast I'd suck your dick.
Benefits of Visiting a Prostitute over Getting Married
- The ability to walk away without being screwed more than once
- The ability to trade her for a younger, more attractive model at no extra cost
- If she won't accommodate your special kink, you can find another one that does
- You dont have to pretend to like her friends
- Blowjobs aren't reserved for "Special Occasions"
- You dont have to apologise for cumming early
- They leave after having sex with you
- You are not obliged to pay for children all your lifetime
- It's cheaper in the long run
- It won't occupy your head space
- It won't attempt to run your life
- It doesn't include a mother-in-law
- In France and Japan, you can claim it as a business expense.