"Chill, dude..."
~ British Columbia on Quebec
"The only people in the world who want to be French."
~ Oscar Wilde on Quebec
Living mainly in the newly created French-speaking city-state of Nunavut, Canada, the Québécois like their poutine and to pretend like they have a culture of their own.
Québec, pronounced Kay-Beck or Fren-Chi, is the largest province (geographically) in Canada, the world's second-largest country. The poplulation consists primarily of bluenecks (rednecks of the north).
The province's primary language, Joual, is a curious mix of French and gibberish known to many as «franglais». Franglais is to european French as Irish accent is to English. Basically, quebeckers found a way to move their mouth less while producing approximately the same sounds, leaving more energy to add more syllables, which they typically invest in cursing.
A resident of Québec is called a Québecer or un(e) Québécois(e)
The capital is Québec City, but Québec is generally divided into two parts: (1) Montréal; and (2) not Montréal. The three provincial symbols of Québec are poutine, pepsi, and maywest.
The primary export of Québec is Céline Dion, best known in Québec for singing songs like «Lolita n'était pas trop jeune pour aimer, n'était pas trop jeune pour se donner...» and for sleeping with her manager René Angélil - a very old man indeed. Québec is not interested in re-importing her so requests in this regard will be discarded.
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Quick facts (juste les faits, et vite!)
- Name
- le Bas-Canada (Lower Canada), or simply le Québec
- Capital
- Québec City, "la vieille capitale" or "la capitale nationale"
- Status
- Self-proclaimed distinct society
- Elected official
- Le bonhomme Carnaval, who rules whith the help of his lutins henchmen
- Currency
- The Piasse. Can be divided in 100 sous or four 30 sous.
- Banking
- Québec only has two banks, the National Bank and the Laurentian Bank. The rest have all moved to Toronto. Québecois therefore conceal their cold cash in a caisse of pop so that no one will find it hidden among the Pepsi.
- Geography
- Located at the top of Interstate-87, 89 and 91 just past the ski hills of Vermont.
- National symbol
- La fleur de lys (the white lily), discarded by France during the revolution française but kept alive by gardener Alphonse Desjardins.
- Government
- Constitutional monarchy in which hockey is king and Manon Rhéaume is queen. In the event of no hockey, Québec's rulers are chosen through an archaic and lengthly process known as «Star Académie».
Haute cuisine
La belle province de Québec is known for its restaurants, les «casse-croutes».
The «casse-croute» (literally, "to break the crust") is a unique Québec cultural experience. These small, local independent restaurants line the old king's highway, le «chemin du roi», as it follows the path of the mighty St. Lawrence River all the way from Upper Canada to the Gaspé Peninsula.
Typical «casse-croute» fare include «les hambourgeois» (the equivalent to a hamburger in other provinces, but twice as pretentious) and «la poutine» (a unique and world-renowned Québec delicacy made from cheese curds, freedom fries and gravy).
Other traditional Québécois restaurants are primarily «les érablières» or «les cabanes à sucre», maple sugar cabins located deep in the bush which primarily serve traditional lumberjack food such as «les oreilles de crisse» (ears made from some sort of pig fat which defy translation).
| «Caution!» (Like, caution, eh?) | One must be careful («prendre soin», take care) with the use of the French language when ordering food in Québec. One slip of the tongue and instead of ordering «la poutine» (French fries with gravy and curd cheese) you may find yourself eating «la putain» (one of the delectable «filles de joie» or "ladies of the night"). |
| «Danger!» (Like, danger, eh?) | One must be doubly careful when ordering in «le restaurant». One slip of the tongue can make the difference between ordering «le poisson» (fish) or asking for «le poison» (which is what it appears to be, namely poison). Otherwise, at the end of the meal, instead of saying «j'ai fini» (I'm done) that might just be «je suis fini» (I'm done for...). |
Geography
Almost seven times the size of France, with thirty times the ice and snow. Québec's population clusters on its south border, located exactly halfway to the North Pole. Perhaps it's the more moderate climate in the south, or perhaps its because everyone is positioning to get the hell out when the province self-destructs, err, «separates».
- Montréal
- The largest French-speaking city outside German-occupied Paris, Montreal was named after one of the big-five Canadian banks. The bank itself has since moved to Toronto, as has the Royal Bank.
- Montréal is the home of the Big Owe (le «gros bol de toilette»), home of the money-losing 1976 Summer Olympics and the now-defunct Montréal Expos baseball club. Key Montréal exports include smoked meat, bagels, Molson beer and hockey.
- Québec City
- The second-largest (behind Montréal-Laval) and the oldest (founded 1608), Québec City is known as «la vielle capitale» (the old capital) for its narrow, awkward roads which mostly run vertically as the city was built as a walled city on a cliff to annoy the English. The English invaded it anyway, landing upriver at the historic Plains of Abraham, and once the Wolfe was at the door the French régime was history.
- The only industries are «la function publique» (provincial bureaucracy) and tourism; Québec City therefore depends on the English to keep invading every year and to bring their cameras. Fortunately, an image is worth a thousand words in both languages.
- Lévis
- Named by Jean, the former prime minister, Lévis is the only city in Québec to be made entirely of blue denim. Lévis is situated opposite Québec City, right near the inseam, and is known primarily for shipbuilding, for its credit union and for being named after an old pair of denim pants.
- Ottawa-Hull
- The third-largest of Québec's metropolitan areas, Ottawa-Hull is unique among major Québec cities in that it is mostly in Swaziland. It's also the deputy capital of the World. Sleazy dicos that are open late are a plus!
- Basically an abandoned lumber camp. Home of Scott and Eddy (those two guys who make paper), the population of Hull is mostly bored Canadian federal swivel servants and the primary export is red tape in both official languages.
- Hull has been renamed after its largest suburb, Gatineau, by closet FLQ sympathisers who don't like the idea of such a major centre being named after Kingston-upon-Hull, England.
- Don't bother asking the Québec government for directions to «la région de la capitale nationale»; they have no idea where in Hull (or Ottawa, or Kanata, or wherever...) that is and will most likely misdirect you to Québec City. Les Montréalais will merely yawn at you.
- Trois-Rivières
- A hoax. There aren't three rivers... only two. April fish!, uh I mean April fools!
- Drummondville
- Drummondville was built to house fictional cartoon character Hi-Ha Tremblay, favourite target of jokes by the now-defunct Croc magazine (who went broke importing MAD). Now home to «le village québécois d'antan», the village of yesteryear.
- Rivière du Loup
- Literally "the river of the wolf", Rivière du Loup is inhabited primarily by wolves. Unfortunately for the French, the wolves take orders directly from General Wolfe, an Englishman famed for leading the Battle of the Plains of Abraham which led to the defeat of Québec.
- La Malbaie
- La Malbaie (the bad bay) was invented by famous watchmaker Jacques Cartier, then promptly abandoned as an annoying place due to being a bay with no water upon arrival of low tide. Not to be confused with Hudson's Bay (which is merely an annoying department store) or eBay (where shipping problems become frustrating enough to make one homesick for La Malbaie).
- Gaspé Penisula
- Gaspé is short for «gas-pay, or if you want to buy gas here, be prepared to pay...». Way out past Rimouski, Gaspé is located just as far east as New Brunswick so it gets dark rather early. There's an ocean, a big rock with a hole in it, and precious little else to "gasp" about.
- Chicoutimi-Jonquière
- Located amongst the Saguenay River fjords near Lac St. Jean (home of the chocolate-covered blueberry), this suburb of ghost town Val-Jalbert exists to make paper and aluminium. Now named Saguenay, home of the first and only aluminium bridge. Designed especially to carry aluminium cars like the DeLorean, it was also the last aluminium bridge. While the bridge is lightweight and zero-maintenance, the cost of the 1.21 gigawatts of electricity to make the aluminium to build the bridge in the first place is ludicrous.
- Rouyn-Noranda
- A mining company at the end of the Road to Rouyn. This is where you go if you offend le Bon Dieu, Québec's deity and owner of the famed Hôtel Dieu.
- James Bay/la Baie James
- A remote northern Cree territory, from which Hydro-Québec extracts massive amounts of hydroelectricity (or, as they call it, électricité). Bush pilot country.
- Churchill Falls
- A remote northern Labrador territory, from which Hydro-Québec extracts massive amounts of hydroelectricity (or, as they call it, électricité).
- Newfie country and not part of Québec at all. The Québécois managed to pull a fast one on the hapless newfies by locking-in an artificially-low price right before the hyper-inflation and the massive rise in energy prices of the 1970's. The newfies have never forgiven Québec; they have acquired 500 septic tanks and, as soon as they learn how to drive them, they're invading Blanc Sablon.
- As much as Québec would love to build more dams in Labrador, it'll never happen due to the Newfoundland political reality «Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.»
- Even a poor fisherman has his pride. Tant pis.
- Candiac
- A key Quebec town, lost somewhere in the horrible suburban area surrounding Montreal, and known for its terrorist scare in the days following 9/11. Rumour has said that an Al Quaida cell, hidden somewhere in the shopping center near the highway, was plotting to lauch a stink bomb on the bed mattress factory near there, somebody heard that at the Burger King, but no one cared. If you ever get to this place, don't tell anyone you've been there!
History
It's a familiar story: Québec was settled by France sometime before you were born. But France, being too busy smoking their cigarettes, did not take advantage of the opportunities. Then the English came. And we all know what happens when France gets attacked. To their credit, the French did not immediately surrender. First they complained, and then they surrendered. They also got smacked around a bit in the middle. Well, it was more than a mere smacking around. More like a good English style kicking.
France then made the key mistake of propping up that lot of traitors to the Empire who threw the gov'ners tea in the harbour in 1776, causing Canada to be inundated with an influx of English refugees at the end of the American Revolution. This led to English-Canadian refugee camp Ontario separating from Québec in 1784 and declaring itself a distinct society based on its rôle as the most boring province in all of Canada.
As a result of watching too many newsreels while the elders were away, Québec was swiftly invaded by the Pennsylvania Germans in 1941. It was occupied until 1962 when combined US and Canadian forces finally noticed.
Colonisation
Québec was colonised by «les filles du roi» (the King's daughters), Canada's first mail-order brides.
Les filles du roi were mostly poor folk, sent to Québec because they had few other prospects in the old country. As all Québecois shared a common last name, passed down from one pair of «la famille Tremblay» who arrived four centuries ago and took over the province, bringing in mail-order brides was essential in order to bring fresh blood into the colony.
The use of les métiers (the trades) as last names was widely adopted («monsieur Boucher» is the local butcher, «madame Boulanger» the local baker...) as everyone in the entire province being named Michel (or Michèle) Tremblay became far too confusing in the vast maple syrup and lumberjack camps which are the backbone of the Québécois nation.
Politics
Québec's most famous politician was Maurice «Rocket» Richard of the «Habs» political party. He reigned from 1940-1975, when he was killed by a flying hockey puck.
His exclusion from the playoffs sparked riots which ultimately led to «la révolution tranquille», the Quiet Revolution, and the overthrow of the corrupt Duplessis conspiracy.
After his death, aggrieved French Canadians, unsatisfied that the rest of Canada was not kissing their ass and recognising their «special status», began a separation movement. The movement's stated goals were to (1) piss off the English everywhere and (2) drive all business out of Québec and into Ontario.
Currently a political group called Bloc Quebecois has begun to ask for Quebec to defect from Canada to join the French. At first Canadians were skeptical but atlas decided that if Quebec so wished they could join France but only if they do so by getting the fuck out of Canada and leaving Quebec free for swedish strippers and nobel prize winners to move in.
Economy
The most popular job in Québec is hockey goalie. After that, it is lumberjack/lumberjill, maple syrup producer, and beret-maker. Any job involving a professional degree is non-existent, since anyone with half a brain has already left and anyone with no brain has already been elected and shipped off to Ottawa on a raft of logs.
The economy of Québec depends on the key exports:
- Céline Dion
- patates frites
- Poutine
- Jos'Louis pastries
- Neil Old
- pea soup
- tabagisme
- hockey players
- électricité
- snowmobiles
Unfortunately, there are no other Joual-speaking nations to trade with Québec, making «les exportations» most awkward indeed.
Language
The official language of Québec is Joual. Named for a strange mispronunciation of the word «cheval» (which means horse), Joual is as synonymous as poutine with the Québécois identité culturelle.
Joual is best known for phrases like «moé, j'chus icitte» (which would translate roughly into plain English as "Me, I'm here" or into proper French as «moi, je suis ici»).
If you're looking for the «toilettes» while in Québec, ask for «les bécosses» (the backhouse), the closest Joual translation.
Cursing
Amongst the Québécois cultural heritage, the feature that stands out is their superhuman ability to swear.
To swear like a proper French Canadian is not as easy as it might seem. Many gramatical subtilities take place here; for example, some curse words combine while others do not. Some more advanced forms of this use of curse words in the form of adverbs; allowing sentences like "C'te crisse là j't'y en ai tabarnakement crissé une ostie d'câlisse", in which curse words are aligned to represent the whole concept. Linguists agree that in 80 years from now, quebeckers may be using approximately 2% non-cursive words.
Driving through Montréal is an interesting experience, in the «may you live in interesting times» sense. It's hard to tell whether the people shouting the Joual equivalent «host of communion wafer of chalice of tabernacle of Christ in sacrément» are swearing or praying fervently to the god of the Québécois people, le «Bon Dieu!», that they make it home alive.
World domination mondiale
The following world leaders are suspected of being Québec undercover operatives:
- every Canadian prime minister to be elected with a majority from Trudeau onward
- Vladimir Poutine, who sells french fries with gravy when not moonlighting as president of Russia
- Jana Vike-Freiberga, president of Latvia
- Bobino, entertainer
- Steve Nash, even though he is not from Quebec. Leader of the Quebec Separatist Hippie Brigade
There may be others but, unfortunately for «la reste du monde», they remain undetected as the motoneige trail went cold before they could be tracked down and identified by Newfie intelligence operatives.
Voir aussi
| This article may contain a bitter point of view. It also contains an unhealty dose of clichés and parts of it may sound borderline hateful. English, French and franglais unite on the talk page to make it funnier.
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