Ronald McDonald

"We know what to do with... chicken"

~ Phil Osophy on Mackee D

“ I prefer him to a dead sheep. ”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ronald McDonald

With his bright red curly hair, massive shoes and row upon row of jewel-encrusted gold teeth, Ronald McDonald is a friendly face indeed, and is looked up to by children across the globe (parents are actually encouraged to buy his records and present them to their children as gifts in reward for good behaviour). McDonald's father was Ronald McDonald Sr. (who held the title of Greatest Person on the Face of the Earth for 20 years, until brutally slain by the Hamburglar in 1047), and his mother was Carrot Top.

McDonald's early life

Ronald McDonald (Real Name: Barney Rubble) is without a doubt one of the most influential figures on the Gangsta Rap circuit.

McDonald had a tough upbringing in the dangerous slums of Basildon and was regularly beaten up and anally raped at school by his geography teacher. He sought a way out of this dead-end life and managed to secure a job as a Whore at nearby gay club Spearmint Rhino.

He soon realised that his talent extended far beyond pole-dancing and started to write lyrics in his dressing room in-between beatings from his manager.

A record executive who was quoted as "just passing through Spearmint Rhino by accident" received a lap-dance from McDonald, and after bribing his way back into McDonald's dressing room, and performing fellatio eleven times, he decided to sign McDonald up for well known record label Sony Entertainment.

The rise and fall of Ronald McDonald

McDonald was signed up initially for a one-record deal, but after debut album Smack That Bitch Like You Just Don't Give A Shit(1996) went triple-platinum, Sony immediately signed McDonald on for a further 4 albums, and gave him the keys to the company washroom.

McDonald couldn't help but gain popularity with each passing single, and it seemed he was destined for the big time. Fast cars, luxurious mansions, springer spaniels... he had it all.

It was at this point in his life when everything started to go wrong. Firstly, notorious ex-girlfriend Michael Jochum told the press that she was expecting a love-child with McDonald. Jochum had also expressed her love for scientology, and so was not the ideal mother for McDonald's baby. McDonald denied any relation had ever taken place, but DNA testing later proved otherwise. This affair was detailed in McDonald's 2001 single "Silly Bitch".

     "Silly Bitch is not my lover 
      She's just a girl who thinks that I am the one"

Secondly, he suffered an attempt on his life, when fellow gangster rapper, the late, great Sixpac fired 8 rounds at him with a cabbage-rifle. He survived, but spent the next 4 months in a series of hospitals. Sixpack went into hiding until his sudden death at the hands of Cliff Richard.

McDonald recovered and released his new album Mr. T Ain't Got Shit On Me in 2001. McDonald realised that he could have died in the attempt on his life, and decided to live each day as if it were his last. He bought a large share in what would become the McDonalds fast-food restaurant chain, and went on to spread his subliminal messages throughout the globe.

It was at this point that McDonald's life took a turn for the bizarre. He took up several furry creatures as companions and turned them into his new crew. His once youthful and boyish good looks were replaced by that of a weathered old man. His locks began to curl and his tanned complexion became more and more pale. It was becoming obvious to all and sundry that something was amiss.

Appearing on an Oprah special in the mid 90s, McDonald told the millions watching that he was happy in his life and that everything was fine. He also made it quite clear that he was not undergoing cosmetic surgery. Despite his lies, evidence that his face was undergoing some kind of transformation was finally obvious when he was spotted out shopping complete with large bulbous red nose. Those closest to him who have agreed to speak to the media have blamed McDonald's clownlike appearance on his obsession with the circus and the countless times as a child when his father whipped him to within an inch of his life while dressed like a ringmaster.

McDonald's Business Life

McDonald is not just renowned for his worldwide rapping status. He is now in fact the head of the 'McDonald's' corporation. In November 1996, a failing businessman by the name Ray Karoc approached the rapper after hearing of his triple-platinum success. He did not know the reason why his fast food joint, Salmonella, was sub ceding but believed a new face like Ronald Macdonald's would improve it. After months of being stalked and receiving hate mail, McDonald gave in to Karoc and signed a $10 million contract that would almost overshadow his rap career.

Together, McDonald and Karoc created the world's top food corporation, knocking KFC from the long held position. The mixture of addictively crap food and a clown rapper was just too irresistible to America and children of the world. With this initial success, McDonald decided send the other members of his rap group Mc Unit to countries around the world and spread the chain's grasps. Big P tripled the yearly gross; Miss Birdie Fly proved a hit in 5 countries; Kid Fiddler however did not seem to have any appeal.

With his change in appearance, McDonald became obsessed with his fast food chain. He fired Karoc and entitled himself, 'de Furher' of McDonald's. Seeing that he was the biggest success with children, he began to invite them to his McRanch, calling them the McKiddes. No one was to know what went on in his ranch until 2005. He also added supersize option to every meal, but had to cut down the size after the disastrous 'Supersize Wee' documentary. The kids remained untouched though.

McDonald today

McDonald's latest albums: Yo Kids Need To Eat Yo Food To Grow Up Phat Like Me & Shut Yo' Fuckin' face, Bitch! , which arrived in September 2005 was an immediate flop, shifting just 8 copies in a two week period, and spelled financial disaster for McDonald. This had been just the icing on the deep fried cake that is McDonald's downfall. With no extention to his current record deal, McDonald had taken to releasing Greatest Hits album after Greatest Hits album before leaving Sony to join independent label "Shit Music" and recently released his new solo project "Ron - By Request Only" - a modern take on the easy listening classics of yesteryear. The album also includes a song penned by McDonald as an ode to his father, entitled "Fuckin' Wit' Mah Daddy".

McDonald has recently been under the spotlight for his controversial scheme to give money to fellow rappers if they include references to his fast food chain in their music and following further allegations that he had been allowing children to sleep in his bed, he was taken to court and narrowly acquitted of being involved with five child actors within the space of four months.

Following his court room success, it was found that McDonald was struggling to make ends meet and was in fact letting out rooms in his mansion to children purely as an extra source of income.

He was recently arrested, along with accomplice Ty Pennington, for attempting to sell drugs to minors.

McDonald is 78.

Discography

Sony Music International

• Smack That Bitch Like You Just Don't Give A Shit (1996)
• 5 Piece Chicken Dinner And Large Fries, Y'all (1998)
• Mr. T Ain't Got Shit On Me (2001)
• Greatest Hits: Vol I(2002)
• McDonald's In Da House (Just Call And We'll Deliver To Yo Door) (2003)
• Greatest Hits: Vol II (2003)
• Number Ones (2004)
• Yo Kids Need To Eat Yo Food To Grow Up Phat Like Me (2005) now just $0.99!
• Number Twos (2005)
• Shut Yo' Fuckin' Face, Bitch! (2005)

Shit Music Inc.

• Ron - By Request Only (2006)

See Also

• McDonalds
• Basildon
• Food Court
• Scrooge McDuck