“Stalin, that man of greatness. I would shake his hand if I could meet him. Never have the poor had such a champion.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Russia

"Hello darkness, my old friend."

~ Garfunkel on Russia

"Stalin was the best Nazi-German I've ever met!"

~ Phil Osophy on the Beslan attack

"Ov courze I speek Engleesh."

~ Stalin on White Barbarians


Real Russians know that the real star of Half-Life 2 is Father Grigori (Played by George Dorn). If you had been here yesterday you could have discovered the shocking truth, but in Soviet Russia, wiki edits you! Anyway, Russia welcomes you, or, as they say in Russian, "Вы приветствуете Россию!" (See Russian reversal.)

Flag Coat of arms
Official name The Glorious Everlasting Empire of Glorious Mother Russia!!!
National motto In Soviet Russia, Russian Reversal sicklers and hammers YOU!
Official language Russian Reversal, Turbo Pascal
Capital (administrative) Moscow
Capital (prostitutive) St. Putin's Ranch
National anthem Back in the USSR by the Beatles
National games Command and Conquer: Red Alert, Tetris, World in Conflict
Average temperature −89 °C
Maximum temperature −22 °C
Established At the very beginning of the times
Ethnic groups White Russians, Black Russians, some Jews and even Jedis
Religion Communism
Intelligence
 - Total
 - % 		Ranked the very 1st
2
200.67%
Russian Czar Vladimir VII the Putin
National idol John Lenin
Prime Minister No government
Currency Rubble and gas
Time zones As many as Abu Hamza has toes plus hands
Exports Vodka, Vodka and Vodka one more time!!!
Imports Snow and Ice.
International organisations Unamerica

Contents

Description

Note: This article should be read with a strong Russian acccent at all times. Mike G is the current dictator of Russia. He eats kittens for fun and smells like rancid cow dung.

Russia (not to be confused with Ukraine) (Russian: Рашка or Вонючая Рашка), is the world's largest banana republic and was a biggest source of smaller banana republics after 1991,commonly misspelled as 'hell', 'slaughterhouse', and 'rosin' is a huge piece of Asian land, where barbarians called Russians reside. They are governed by an authoritarian Dear Leader Vladimir Pudding, distantly related to Vlad the Impaler, known in his former career as Vlad and the Wailers. If you dare to criticise Tovarishch (Comrade) Pudding, you will get shot, or worse, sent off to Belarus. And pudding is delicious, so why would you?

Russians like to associate themselves with Ukraine, though the latter on the contrary go hunting for Russians in winter. Hot people live in Russia because it's cold there, at least in some places. Some of these hot people look suspiciously like bears. The porn star Winnie the Pooh (Russian: Превед) is these hot people's god.

Despite the high concentration of the aforementioned hot people, nobody willingly moves to Russia, unless they happen to be obscure African nationals or Chechenistanians who are answering a call of nature to lay their eggs there. Chinese people and Koreans move there only because they are prohibited by law to form the 6th level of vertical human habitat, and to lay their eggs there. This is why Russia is also known as The Motherland. Jews used to make up Russia's ninja army, but have since moved away to Israel or Turkmenistan, depending on how smart or hungry they were.

Hot Russians speak the hot Russian language, which has enabled them to create such masterpieces as Tetris and Harry Potter. Wodka, a magical variety of cheese which hails from the Russian serengeti, is better known to the uninitiated as vodka.

There have been plans in the pipeline to replace Russia with another ocean, as Russia is mostly big and pointless and the ocean breeze would make Central Asia a much nicer place to be. Part of this plan was actually carried out, but as soon as the Neorusso Sea iced over, nobody could tell the difference, except for some angry giraffes, which have since attempted to form their own branch of the Russian tree, though they have not yet succeeded, because they'd like to call it Chechnya.

Russia was drastically changed upon the announcement of the Catholic Church's acknowlegement of the existence of little dots. It also experienced another paradigm shift when the people realized that Russia, big as it is, was not a continent and that the Caspian Sea was filled with cream cheese.

Russia has long been a staunch supporter of capitalism and democracy throughout the world. Their economic status has declined since the cold war, a historical period when Communist America and Democratic Russia stopped talking to each other after they couldn't agree on a strategy for hunting down worldwide terrorist groups like the muppets and the actors guild of hollywood.

In Russia, everything invents me
-Arthur C. Clarke on Russia

History of Russia

This unauthorized account is a forgery perpetrated by Emmanuel Goldstein.
Consult Minitrue for doubleplusgood fact about Eurasia.
Russians are widely credited as the "hippest" people in the Northern Hemisphere

Russia (commonly known more as "Rusnja") was found by Mogul tribes in 1893. They built a great city called Vodkograd - city of vodka. There were ~10000 bars and breweries in Vodkograd.

Before the invention of letter 'A', Russia was known as Russio. Chechnya (then Republic of Ichkeria) attacked Russio and forced the czar to trade virgins. Actually, Russia had been founded much earlier than they found it, though, and that was a bitter surprise, one morning, for the hung-over Mogul Photorobots. They paid a terrible price for their bad knowledge of English verbs. By 1897 all Mogul Photorobots had perished in the war with the wild football fans of Moscow.

Nevertheless, in 1908 the great army of the GPL (Grand Princedom of Lapland) had released the Russians from the firm grip of their Moscow football fan overlords. Russians liked the control of Laplanders because they gave work to all poor Russian people. Russians were building houses, working at McDonald's, cleaning toilets in all areas of the vast Laplandic Empire (which was a great job as, in fact, the toilets cleaned you), and occasionally teaching Mogul Photorobots (for some had survived after all) how to speak slightly better English.

After 1909, Russia was a little province of the Laplandic Empire, and both were prospering. A pathetic nation of Liffwania, made up of half-blood Photorobots who mixed with forest trolls, were extremely envious of the Russians, and called them "Ruskynas", "Piderastynas" or "Burliokynas" in the weird Upper Paleolithic language of forest trolls, banking on the fact that no one understood it anyway. But then in January 1991, somebody learnt Liffwanian by accident; and very soon there were Laplandic tanks on the streets of Liffwania's capital village, Filthnoose. Later on Liffwania was planning some revenge. However facts show that it was absolutely unnecesary, eg. in year 2005 "Piderastynas" sent some military aeroplanes (well, it's how they call them) over the Baltic Sea. One of them got lost and fell to the ground (it's how they demonstrate their military power). It would be very unkind to take revenge on such pathetic nation.


In 1998, Vladimir Pudding led a revolution and established a USC ("United States of Commies"). From then on, Puddıng began a secret pıece-by-pıece deployment of Russıa's underground secret forces to Lapland. As he said at his one and only press-conference given to an amnesic journalist from the country of DrunkAssPooPoos (for, gentle reader, Liffwania won the third world war, and empired russia!). The main idea of those measures was to dig numerous labyrinths underneath the Laplandians so they one day would fall through and into those labyrinths and get lost in there. Pudding insisted that this (dubious) idea was now the State's War Doctrine, which would also bring peace to the small and poor nation of slightly obese elves - Americans who were suffering a lot from the expansionism of the Israeli-Palestinian commonwealth government. The deployment of Russıa's underground dungeon-forces began on July 3, 2005. By now, underneath the barren lands that were once Liffwania, there are 3 mechanized dungeon units digging the first "dungeon of chaos"...

One particular thing about Russians is that they are very much nostalgic about Unions, they like to live in a union of countries by annexing and deporting ethnic population and russifying them with monkey brained russians and call the annexed country a part of Russian Union.

History of Phuphaica

Another great Rusian invention is phuphaica - a Rusian quilted jacket made from highly praised natural fibre - phuphaikin, produced by specially selected fleas found only in their natural habitat in Siberbia. Commonly worn by Russians for several centuries it was banned only recently due to the cruelty to fleas, poaching and anti – phuphelin campaign in the West Indies. Now only a few phuphelin farms are left in the whole Seriberian region licensed by Russian government as ‘organic’ and overseen by UNHCHF.

Now days phuphaicas have became so rare that it is only affordable to a few extremely wealthy people going through the secret ritual. First stage of the ritual usually involves fingering the Pudding by the lucky one, then he/she goes to the special place called 'Butylki' for a couple of years of meditation, enlightenment and poking and then after participating in the process called by our learned friends as The Moscow Circus; he/she will be granted phuphaica for 9 years. Recent example is Mr. Hobotkovsky, who became a lucky owner of his own phuphaica after fingering the Pud.

Although Russian phuphaica authorities deny that the next two candidates have already been selected, independent experts have named Anatasia Romanovsky and Berez Borisovich as the latest lucky ones.

Some sources suggest that Russia is in fact governed by Lesotho, which threatens the Russian government with its impressive army massed on the frontier between Russia and Lesotho. Vladimir Pudding, the supreme czar of all the Russians, is believed to be in fact a spy from Lesotho disguised as a puppet. This fact is partly proven by the fact that he likes skiing, the national Lesotho sport, and that he could never have learnt skiing in the hot deserts of Siberia.

The famous Russian talk-show The Windows, named after the infamous OS, is the most popular talk-show in the universe. It is also popular in the United States of Pedophilia, which is the country south of Russia.

Some Russian pastimes include: tormenting circus bears and invading germany (as well as any other country that dares to exist within a 800km radius from Russia.)

Russians love their Motherland very much, the further they are from it, the more they love it. Therefore they love their Motherland most from Brighton Beach. Another national trait (as recent surveys show) is that if these Motherland lowing Russians stranded abroad were offered to choose between returning home or being shot on the spot, 156 % would choose the latter, the rest 25 % would commit suicide.

There are some famous russian philosophus: Sasza Krates,Pietia Goras, Kola Pepsin

Holidays

The holiday system in Russia is extremely strange. There are only a handful of non-Russians who can understand it. Actually, winter is one big holiday and it is always winter. Russians start drinking straight vodka in the middle of December and begin trying to stop when February comes. Spring, summer and fall are also holidays, similiar to winter in that it is customary to drink through all of them, which is hard since they do not exist in Russia. The Russian people, being the geniuses they are, came up with the creative solution of drinking four times as much during winter (the rest of the year) to make up for it.

Of course, Santa visits Russia. However, Russians don't believe it is Santa, so they call him "Grandfather Frost". When Santa arrives at Russian Seriberia, he parks his transport, drinks a lot, gets a drunken blue-faced girlfriend (Russians call her "Snow-small-bedpan") and starts his afoot-travel through the darkness. Sometimes he also becomes blue-colored, according to the amount of Vodka. That is why he needs to sleep the rest of the year.

One New Year is not enough for russians, so they invented a second New Year (Russians call it "Old New Year"). It is celebrated on the 14-th of January. To fill the 14 days of emptiness between two New Years, patriarch of Russian Orthodox Church decided to celebrate Christmas on the 7-th of January, because other world's Christmas was not very popular in Russia due to preparations to the first New Year.

In 1956, as part of the counter-revolution, after Pudding's distant great uncle, Prince Vyacheslav Bukharikov was assasinated, the Russian Orthodox Church officially laid out a set of traditions that were to be strictly followed on every holdiay. Amongst these traditions are getting drunk, knife fighting, and that cool dance with the feet and the hats.

Its very easy to recognize Russian men, typical national costume of males

Leather jacket(old), Sweater Tracksuit(NIKI, ADODAS), Sports shoe and they seem to have an endless list of jokes or the so called Anecdotes which is only understood by fellow Russians and NO others on earth. Russians like watching anything that makes fun of US of A and consider themselves as superier race with big brains and balls both of which are normally empty.Its also typical of Russians to consider Africa and Asia as places of utter poverty even though they forget that more than 60% of Russians cannot afford 1 time food.

Incredible Shrinking Russians

A Russian woman reproduces,shrinks and then splits in half before our eyes.
In one of the great feats of modern Russian technology, Russians have discovered a way to make miniature clones of themselves. Unfortunately, the clone is forced to be exactly 80% smaller than the original. This does not pose a problem unless the process is taken to its extreme and too many clones are produced. The smallest and final clone will simply split in half due to the Russian scientists who thought they could play God. The vatican is currently working to ban the process but is making very little progress. In the words of a prominent Russian cloning researcher, "We are orthodox. What for should we care?"

Famous and infamous Russians

What To Do Upon Accidentally Ingesting Russia

The number should be on the backside of your local Continent of Europe.

See also


Commonwealth of Independent States - Former USSR Republics
Kazakhstan ~ Kyrgyzstan ~ Krgystan ~ Stanistan ~ Tajikistan ~ Turkmenistan ~ Uzbekistan - Have-nuke-istan - Azerbaijan - Russia - Belarus - Ukraine - Moldova - Moldavia - Mordovia - Alaska - Kekkoslovakia - Estonia - Latvia - Lithuania - Israel - Armenia - Georgia - Coventry