“I really love Scot, er... uh... ohh..... mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... What? Oh, Scotland. Wait, what?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Scotland

A Little Too Much Whisky?

By comparison with Wales and England, Scotland is a very old country. Its inhabitants, the Scots, have been proved (from archaeological evidence) to have been partaking in their national sports of tossing of cabers and Pillaging since approximately 35,000 BC. This causes the Scots to look with some disdain on its more recently formed neighbours, especially now they have taken it over and pillaged it back.

Not many people know that Scotland was once a separate island, that used to have a much cooler time hanging with California and Vietnam in the Indian Ocean. Unfortunately it was so annoying that in the year 6,896 BC its two friends got really bored with it and drop-kicked it up north to a spot where the only countries it could annoy were Iceland and the Faroe Islands (which don't really count as they're run by Danish Bacon.) Over the millennia it drifted south and now borders on England, where its people are fulfilling its age-old tradition of Annoying the English.

While most English people think that The United Kingdom or Great Britain are names that can be interchanged with England, most Scots - having a superior education system - realise the United Kingdom technically means "The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland" (i.e. the Countries of England and Scotland, the Principality of Wales and the Province of Northern Ireland). English people also do not know that the first King of this United Kingdom was a Scot, who was of direct lineage to the English 'Tudors' and pre-selected by the parliament of England to be their king.

That really riles the Scots, who believe him to be a true Scot, and acting in their interests, which, of course, he was not. He was an Italian homosexual.

Scots get on well with the Welsh and Northern Irish - other nations of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland - who also get missed out by the English at every opportunity they can take. They are at this minute planning a rebellion to take over the British Isles with the help of the Mafia.

Scotland was controlled briefly by Sun Tzu during his world tour. However, thanks to the bravery of William Wallace, Macbeth and Hamish the Haggis, Scotland gained freedom from Tzu's control.

The country is currently intellectual property of A.G. Barr plc, makers of Irn-Bru.

CRAIG CHARLES BOATS

For utter years and stuff, scotland has been the proud starting point for the construction and exportation of the finest craig charles boats ever seen. Some of them are massive and that. Over the last few years, the ouput in the industry has perished due to.

Transportation

One thing Scotland is well known for is it's state of the art road traffic handling concept. In the early 1800 one Scot (who was proclaimed King for this idea) deemed that the cause of all traffic problems was due to having too many roads. In accordance with this theory the Scots destroyed all the roads in the land but two; the high road and the low road. While there is much speculation on the issue, generally throughout history the low road has been considered the faster of the two.

Musical Heritage

It is widely known that Scottish music is considered pish by everyone, including the Scots themselves. The two main musical instruments as used by Scots are bagpipes and accordians. Both of these instruments were designed and sold by one man in the 14th Century by the name of Sean Connery. He thought it would be a laugh to design instruments that sounded so awful they could never be taken seriously and would be consigned to the history books as total shit. What he didn't count on however was that the inhabitants of the time (the English) were considering leaving the country as it was just too fucking cold and decided that they would annoy the fuck out of the Scots they left behind by deeming the bagpipes and accordian as the national instruments. The Scots were none too happy with this but there was nothing they could do, since they had for the past 400 years (and as it happened the next 700 years too) rolled over with their legs in the air any time the English decided something.

Current Political & Existential Situation

It was proposed in 1982 by the burgeoning psychopath Margaret Thatcher that Scotland does not, in fact, exist — that the nation is a mythical land dreamed up by travellers from England who'd been to Carlisle, got drunk, and thought they saw something moving about in the murk up the A74. However this theory was quickly contested by the Scottish Institute for Scotland, who insisted that they did so exist, and had strong evidence, by digging up fossils of Sheep Shaggers, but after realising that these were, of course, Welsh admitted their error.

Brilliantly, Obersturmführer Thatcher simply did not respond to this assertion, and when asked for a response, said "What? What assertion? I didn't hear anything." This soon caught on as a tremendous wheeze among the assorted delegates of the Westminster Parliament, and ever since, whenever a Scottish person has said anything they've just said "Did you hear something? What was that faint whisper I heard there? Could it be the wind weeping in the trees?" (see The West Lothian Question).

The Scots, unimpressed and secretly trying not to cry, took the only option open to them and set up their own parliament instead, at Holyrood in Edinburgh. However the Scottish parliament is bollocks, because years of being ruled and then generally faffed about with by the English parliament have taken their toll on Scots, 114% of whom still believe that they are required to pay one annual hogshead of ale to their feudal lords in York.

National Character

A study by the diminutive singing anthropologist Mickey Rooney has proven that for all their singing about battle, if left to themselves the Scots will not, in fact, beat up Englishmen. Instead they merely stand around looking blank, then begin a half-hearted game of football (Scottish Premier League) with the Englishman's schoolbag, before wandering off to throw things into the canal. This may have passed for a national backbone in the 1300s, but England has now got its big ugly step-child America to come and look threatening whenever anyone looks like getting uppity.

A new modern version of the Scottish Lowland Boy could be described as a Goatse loving Communist wannabe hacker.

Since the dawn of time, the Scots have worshipped a strange god which they call "nessie".

Cultural Contributions

Scotland has provided the world with many great inventions over the years, including the television and the sporran. The list of things invented by Scots grows directly in proportion to the amount of alcohol one feeds to the Scot who is reeling off the list. If they are allowed access to an ordinary supermarket wines & spirits aisle, the Scots will apparently have invented, in no particular order:

• The Glasgow Kiss
• tossing of Cabers
• The monkey shave at the University of St. Andrews
• bagpipes
• Television
• monkeys
• bosoms
• loon pants
• the idea for the Eurovision Song Contest
• GOURANGA
• Mr. T
• Whores
• Cannibalistic inbred families
• Clogged arteries
• Andrew Melville Hall
• unemployment
• foaming at the mouth and falling over backwards
• Train-spotting
• digging holes in the road and filling them in again
• Death of a Salesman
• the early years of Duran Duran, before Simon Le Bon went all fat
• the idea for Russia being really big
• repressed sexual tension
• grannies
• highlander
• cholesterol
• Jack Russell
• acting like you're somebody's best mate when you're not really
• having ACTUAL OIL FIELDS and still paying the HIGHEST FUEL PRICES IN THE WORLD because some eejit gave it all away for a handful of magic beans
• Monopoly
• The Jenga Ships
• throwing things into canals
• The Cosby Show
• stabbing
• the idea for Those magazines where you get a free DVD and binder with part one, but get hammered on the next issue
• anoraks for horses
• languishing
• Early death
• Scams
• splendid isolation
• haggis
• an overpriced parliament
• Scotland
• this list
• NEVER eating vegetables. Ever.
• Shite bread

Some famous Scots of recent years have included The Scots Porridge Oats Man, Einstein, Screaming Lord Such, Robin Williams, Lord Byron, Christopher Lambert, Mel Gibson, Russ Abbot, the Duke of Edinburgh, Graham Hancock, Gerard Butler, Scotty off of Star Trek and the duo Justin Ryan and Colin McAllister (presenters of TV's 'How Not to Decorate').

Alliances

Scotland is not currently allied with anyone although they do go out drinking and having a good time whilst watching the football with Ireland on occasion. Although prone to the odd bit of unwelcome sectarian chanting, in general the peaceful folk of this quaint place leave all the real hooliganism to their bastardly neighbour England. Along with Wales, the three countries were close friends during their high school years, often giving England a swerlie during study periods, however they lost touch after graduation. They used to get on quite well with France, but the relationship cooled after Scotland got drunk and suggested a threesome with Norway. This proposition was referred to by historians of the time as the Bald Alliance, because it was at this time that Norway's hair began to come out in clumps.

Though officially insisting that the decision had been mutual, after the split from France, Scotland is widely thought to have let itself go. It put on weight, took up Protestantism, and began importing even more alcopops than before, tripling what was already a world record. Most recently Scotland has left over fifty increasingly disturbing messages on Mediocre Britain's answer machine, asking if they'd like to be an ally, but they haven't returned the call yet. While Scotland, the country, is not officially at war with any country, the City of Glasgow and the City of Edinburgh have been at war ever since the latter collided with the former. Huge numbers of casualties have resulted on both sides, and both cities are pale shadows of their former selves. The small hamlet of Berwick-upon-Tweed has apparently been at war with Russia since 1853, after a weegie prank went tragically wrong.

Scots are very good at forming temporary alliances with any country that happens to be playing England - no matter what sport is being played.

Wildlife

Common to the lochs of Scotland for many years has been the Nessie or Loch Ness Monster, a shy and retiring creature which only comes into public a few times a year when the smell of American Dollars is carried on the wind from tourist resorts. The monster eats only American Dollars and Euros, although it is also pleased to accept most major credit cards. Frequent visitors to Scotland can elect to feed the monster by Direct Debit, and make savings of up to £14 a year.

Prior to its flotation on the stock market, the monster was for many years mistaken for the towering mobile eye of a Martian War Machine, and caused the regular evacuation of villages — not to mention a number of unintelligible and threatening phone calls to Hollywood star Gene Barry.

Eventually the local council was given a briefing as to the difference between Fantasy and Reality. An ancient exploitate cynica capitale ritual followed in which the Scots pledged themselves to guard and exploit the monster for as much as it was worth, for the rest of their natural lives. It is estimated that the monster's annual contribution to the Scottish economy is equivalent to the sale of forty million tartan dollies in plastic tubes.

Other common favourites among Scottish wildlife include:

• the Beo, one of the most common birds of scotland
• the frightening and august Rock Creatures, incubated in many a Scottish heath
• the haggis, a bizarre mutation consisting mainly of diseased offal from other animals like zombie kittens and exploded puppies. Now persecuted almost to extinction by Jamie Oliver.
• the ned, a peculiarly aggressive form of urban monkey
• the midge or midgie, the result of a Glasgow University experiment in nanotechnology, which did in fact follow tradition and get out of control - but due to the poor funding of the university was unable to destroy the human race, settling for annoying the shit out of it instead

Local Geography

See also

• Scots
• Things Invented By Scots (expanded list)
• Shetland Pony
• Scotchtoberfest
• Scotland Yard
• Clan Microsoft

External links

• Glasgow Survival
• Subcrawl — Glasgow pub crawl by subway train, designed specifically to trigger violence
• Scottish Premier League
• Justin Ryan & Colin McAllister