"Wow, what a stinky weapon."
~ Captain Obvious on shit cannons
Contents |
Beginnings
The Only Remaining NYRS Shit Cannon.
Shit cannons were developed in the year 1337 by the New York Red Sox (little known pirate clan). These cannons were rumored to have ammo (shit) that can eat away hulls on contact. The following information is all that is known about these legendary guns.
Uses In History
- 1337: The NYRS Pirates gave birth to the shit cannon. Used it to plunder Devil Dogs and Twinkies. Pirates get hungry too.
- 1338: Still plundering.
- 1496: Shit cannons used for precision brain surgery, in conjunction with Playboy magazine, to keep the patients alive. Gandhi and Alexander The Great were both treated with this kind of medical technology.
- 1535: Random date, shit cannons were not used at all that year.
- 1629: In this year, Lobster Jesus commanded a huge army against Dark Jesus. Thousands of Lobster Jesus shit cannons pounded away at the home of Dark Jesus until he surrendered the lawnmower he borrowed from Lobster Jesus. Dark Jesus also gave Lobster Jesus his Xbox because Dark Jesus wanted a Gamecube.
This shit cannon doesn't need shit to work.
- 1990: Rap invented. Shit from oral shit cannons (mouthes) fired at microphones. Babies die.
- 2000: Shit cannon elected as the president of the United States of America. Hail.
- 2004: Shit Cannon Games are accepted into the Olympics as a group of sports. (see below)
- 2006: Shit cannon article born online.
Shit Cannon Games
In 2006, shit cannons were accepted into the Olympics. The following are the main sports.
- Shit Their Pants: This game is played on a large field with naked men marking the out of bounds areas. The rules are simple, two teams fire shit at each others pants until the smell becomes too unbearable, where said team will submit.
- Shit Eating Grin: This game is played by a group of people from a team. One member has to open their mouth and get as much shit fired into it as possible. Then after they cannot hold anymore, they run into the nearest Wal-Mart and empty their mouth into a floor model desk/drawer set.
- Shoplifting: While not completely related to shit cannons, the objective of this game is to fire shit covered men into a store, preferably the Wal-Mart that they unloaded their mouthful of shit into, and steal goodies from said store. They then run back to their headquarters (highway overpass) and throw the stolen goods at cars that drive by under them. These events are usually during the nighttime as to not attract local authorities.