Star Trek: Deep Space Nine was a Star Trek spinoff that ran for three seasons too long on Fox TV. The series concentrated mainly on character development and complex story arcs that involved war, bizarre facial ridges, half-baked religious ideas, war, xenophobia, a hostile puddle of computer generated orange goo, and war. The structure of the later seasons was such that if fans missed a single episode, the universe itself would tear at the waistband and exhibit its flabby backside for the world to see.
More sinister than that, Deep Space Nine has recently been discovered to be a key part of a plot to "get the niggers into space." Network executives have confirmed that the character of Benjamin Sisko was meant to inspire black people to leave behind their miserable lives on Earth and go in search of opportunity elsewhere in the universe.
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Setting
The show was the first Star Trek program to be set on a space station. Interestingly, Paramount rejected the premise of a science fiction show set on a space station around the same time as Michael Piller and Rick Berman independently came up with the same concept. As the station was located in deep space, Federation officials creatively renamed it "Deep Space Nine," which they vastly preferred to the station's former name, Harlem.
A frequently featured location on the series was the Promenade, a hotbed of prostitution and the trafficking of drugs known as "jumja sticks." Sisko made numerous attempts to crack down on the crime wave on the station, but was routinely greeted with resounding cries of "Nigga, please!"
Main Cast
- Avery Brooks as Benjamin Sisko, commander and later captain. Upon achieving the rank of captain, Sisko shaved his head, proving once and for all that all successful Star Fleet captains are bald. Sisko was the Emissary to Bajorans for a bunch of gods he did not believe in. So he's kinda like the Pope in that way. Avid Baseketball fan.
- Nana Visitor as Almost Ensign Ro, But Not Quite, Bajoran liasion officer. A bigot, religious zealot, and all-around bitch, Almost Ensign Ro was nonetheless well-liked by her fellow officers.
- Terry Farrell as Jadzia Dax, science officer. Jadzia was sadly infested with a hideous internal parasite which led her to hallucinate a series of past lifetimes. Her fellow officers bought into her tragic psychosis until her death.
- Rene "The Eggplant" Auberjonois as Odo (aka "Unknown Sample"), security chief. Simultaneously hard-boiled and runny. Rarely uses his shapeshifting abilities due to the expensive FX involved.
- Siddig El Fadil as Typical English Man Julian Bashir with genetic enhancements. Developed a case of "time travel tourism addiction", impersonating key Middle Eastern figures in the 1st century BC and early twenty-first century.
- Michael Dorn as Worf, strategic operations officer. Job description extremely unclear, a possible economic refugee. Apparently, the role of strategic operations officer is effectively filled by being humorless and unpleasant and listening to a lot of opera.
- Colm Meaney as Typical Irish Man. Long-term economic refugee.
- Armin Shimerman as Quark, the Ferengi bartender. Works his way up the Ferengenar power structure despite being an operator of a small bar hundreds of light-years away. Memorised all 285 Rules of Aquisition.
- Max Grodénchik as Rom. A hopeless businessman and nervous wreck until he finds his true calling as an engineer. Somehow scores one of Quark's Dabo girls.
- Cirroc Lofton as Big Pimp Jake Sisko. Doubled in height over the series' span.
- Nicole De Boer as Replacement Dax.
- Aron Eisenburg as Nog. Somehow got into Starfleet despite the very tough entry requirements as experienced first-hand by Wesley Crusher.
- Penny Johnson Jerald as Kasidy Yates, Ben Sisko's one-time girlfriend. Joined Bashir in his time-travelling pursuits, becoming implicated in multiple early 21st century political scandals.
- Kukalaka as Himself
Plot Overview
Jadzia and Sisko discover the wormhole. This leads to war. The Cardassians try to annex Federation territories. This leads to war. The Klingons enjoy fighting glorious battles. This also leads to war. Everyone joins the war. Millions of people die. The war ends. There was also a plot arc dealing with the serious subject of caffeine addiction. In one notable episode, entitled "Sisko Goes Cold Turkey," all the raktajino on the station is drunk by the Pah Wraiths. Sisko goes into deep withdrawal until replenishments can be provided by Star Fleet Command.
The Writers
Tired of dealing with the writers' strikes that arose during previous Star Trek series, the network opted to kidnap a group of forty used car salesman from Kansas. These men were held in a bunker several hundred meters below the Earth's surface, where they were force-fed hallucinogenic mushrooms and whipped by large black men in tights (who were themselves punished by the White Man if their whipping became half-hearted). Under these harsh and rather extreme conditions, the writers produced gimmicky episodes like "One Little Ship," in which the warship Defiant, along with its crew, shrinks. In this episode, Rick Moranis guest starred as Captain Szalinski.
Typical Dialogue
Sisko: I don't really want to be the Emissary. Almost Ensign Ro: Too bad, captain. Sisko: Oh. Well. Woo! Almost Ensign Ro: Did you just say "Woo"? Sisko: Yeah...it's what I do, 'cause I'm black. Woo!
(It should be noted that the word "Woo!" has since been patented by "rapper" and actor Will Smith for exclusive and exhaustive use in all his rap tracks.)
Typical Irish Man: You're so arrogant, Typical English Man with genetic enhancements.
Typical English Man: I can't help it. I'm a doctor, not a holy man. Let's get drunk.
Typical Irish Man: But my wife wants me at home.
Typical English Man: Yeah, but you like me more than you like your wife. If we weren't so
typically British, we'd give into our passions and have gay sex.
Typical Irish Man: No, we wouldn't.
Typical English Man: Oh. Of course not. Let's get drunk.
Odo: I'm watching you, Quark. Quark: I'm trafficking stolen goods. Odo: You should tread carefully. Quark: I laced all the synthehol with arsenic. I have a lethal weapon hidden in my ear. Odo: One day, I'll catch you and get you to confess. Quark: I raped a Dabo girl. I'm criminally insane. Odo: I can't wait til that day. I'll throw you in a holding cell. Quark: Yeah, whatever.
Grady: I'm invisible! Woosh! (Past Tense, Part II)
Place in the Star Trek canon
Everyone knows that Star Trek is a religion. As the bastard younger brother of Star Trek: The Next Generation, what valuable lessons can DS9 teach the fanatical believer?
- Beware the black captain, for yea, he shall start a gang war.
- Thou shalt not sleep with a Trill or a shapeshifter, lest it break your heart.
- Deep Space Nine is way, way inferior to Voyager.
- Q didn't like the space station as he only visited it once, His wearing a white pillow case with the eyes cut out didnt go down to well.