For the TRUE ENTRY about the software programming methodology, see Star Wars (programming)


It has been proven that George Lucas was a homosexually -inclined pedophile. Maybe.
The crew of Jefferson Starship marvel at the size of Wikipedia.
Jefferson Starship - Darth Ridiculous' vehicle of choice

"I just sat down on the sofa in my dressing gown and somehow the 6-DVD boxed set got jammed up there, Dr. Proctor."

~ Oscar Wilde on Star Wars

"Vader will be assimilated. He is Skywalker's f-ed up father. We are the rebels. They shall rot in hell!"

~ Oscar Wilde on Darth Vader

"I am not a teddy bear! I am a human being! Fuck George Lucas!"

~ Ewok

"As I saw the princess's hair I started to eat it but it tasted like shit"

~ Mr.Pickles

"When first saw the princess I vomited on her face"

~ John Reiner

Star Wars, alson known as The Holy Trilogy, is an orgasmic trilogy of 35+ movies that CEO George Lucas wrote in an attempt to exploit his deep-seeded pedophilic/sexual urges. They have won a total of sixty-nine Academy Awards, the most for any series in film history. In fact, in 1983, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences made the unheard-of move of bestowing its coveted Best Picture award as a tie between two movies in this series that had come out in the same year. Star wars movies are traditionally played backwards and the order in which the movies progress is best viewed when picked at random. Avid Star Wars fans even stand on their heads whilst watching a Star Wars movie to improve their viewing experience. Even after 35+ films nobody except its pale kid fans can figure out what it is about, though everyone loves Queen AbuDhabi when sh tells Little Orphan Annie Crywhiner to "...show me your lightsaber, Annie! Bring it!" Evryone loves that quote.

Star Wars is also the name of a television game show.

Realistic.

Contents

History

Obi-wan: That's not a moon - it's a planet of Funk!
Chorus:
In the navy, You can fight the rebel fleet!
In the navy, You can hasten their defeat!

Star Wars was invented by fundamentalist Christians as a method of birth control in Ireland because they understood that Star Wars fans would never get laid. Unfortunately, Star Wars leaked outside of its intended market and ended up being used as a birth control device worldwide. The specific long-term effects of Star Wars are unknown, but most scientists agree that it will cause total annihilation of the human race and several breeds of llama by the year 2017.

The Christians approached producer--director George Luckass in 1977, along with Ellis Boxington created the Star Wars nightmare to ask them to change the way we look at soap operas. Known only as, Star Wars: Episode IIIIIIX: A Daring Rescue from Outer Space the film went on to win a nomination for most exeptional exploitation of American mediocrity award. Due to its success, especially among the psychokinetic feng-shui demographic, Luckass decided to write eleventeen more parts to his trilogy.

Episodes IX and IXI followed, and later VIAV to T. When asked why he had decided to release his story out of order, he was reputed to have mumbled, "I must hurry. Plaid shirt sale at Mervyn's." It should also be known that, aside from being a master storyteller, Luckass is also an experienced clone and lightsabre enthusiast - interests which have spilled over into the movies. Evidence of this can be found in "Star Wars: Episode III: The Beginning of the Latter era of the Emperor's Revenge on the Galaxy," during a cataclysmic battle between Jedi overlord James Laserfellow and Plysmth Lord Darth Dinosaurus.

The films themselves turned out to be powerful weapons. In the late Eighties, the Dark Lord of the Shit, Ronald Reagan, launched the Star Wars films into outer space and announced that they were aimed directly at the Soviet Union. Mikhail Gorbachev responded by deploying newly developed mid-range Doctor Who videocassettes in Cuba. The thirteen days of tension reached a resolution only when Captain Kirk Vulcan death-gripped both superpowers, thus ending the Cold War.

Though most of the scenes of the movies are spliced together from nature documentaries, Luckass didn't have enough to get the full film 101 credit, so he decided to fill up the remaining 20 minutes of the films with mindless violence and alien pornography. He employed 1000 monkeys working on 1000 unix workstations to come up with seizure inducing filler.

Characters

"His mind has become rough and irritating, like sand." Obi-Wan informing Padme of Anakin's turn to the Dark Side.

Movies

Main Movies

Deleted scene from "Star Wars 34: Revenge of the Boston Red Sox".
After George Luckass came back from his acid trip on which he made episodes IV-VI, he realized that he was too much of a dumbass to start at I. The machines send R2-D2 back in time to kill the future father of the future leader of the future resistance; Little Orphan Annie Crywhiner. Microsoft tries to assert its monopoly over Software on Naboob. Midi-borians are born in the gutter of Que-Gone Gin's dusty mind. Obi-One Kenobi, Obi-Two Kenobi and their son Obi-Three Bendover are sent out to save the day but are annoyed to death by Jibba-Jabba Rinks. Darth Ridiculous commits Hari-kiri with the help of Obi John, who himself survives by eating both his ears. There is E.T in the scene.(to let you people know).If you want to have a good talk aboute all this please conttact me at (323)564-5579
Queen LemmeFeelaYa pisses off Little Orphan Annie Crywhiner, who has become a total geek who isn't getting any. Since most Ninji are slackers at this time, Chancellor Palpatate orders an army of penis to handle the situation. They handle the situation. The end.
Jedien kill the whole crew of a peaceful yacht, the Millenium Falcon, with the help of R2-D2, who's real name turns out to be Deeper Blue. The CIS (Confederacy of Independent Safeways) base on Dubitard is completely overrun by peace troopers. The Amazing Windex hacks into the Death Star and steal the plans for the base so they can send it back in time to 1983 to create an alternate timeline, but is put down by a playa-hata. Little Orphan Annie Crywhiner decides to change his life in a very real, very fundamental way. Yes, Little Orphan Annie Crywhiner wants to be a cool hacker too and decides the best way to do this is to start wearing black and use the alias Darth Spader, abandoning his past completely.
Fluke Crywhiner meets R2-D2 and C-3PO on Tatooine. They hire Ham Solo to fly them the fuck out of that shithole and accidentally end up killing Balderaan in a fly-by shooting. Fate brings them to the Death Star on which C-3PO dies a horrible death at the hands of Darth Spader, but not before Spader gets a chance to exploit the fact that C-3P0's eye sockets were removable, exposing an orifice perfect for penetration.
The forces of darkness causes our heroes to go on a skiing trip to the planet Hot! where they build tents out of the local animal life. Leia Organ falls in love with her brother Dupe Skywalker, and a relationship founded on incest soon develops. Dupe moves to the Dadoba system where the former mafia leader Yo!da! tries to teach him it's better to give up on your friends and live in a swamp. Dupe decides to go after his friends anyway and loses an arm-wrestling match against his father, Jabba the Slut.
Same shit, different galaxy: Dupe Skywalker rescues Ham Solo and Leia (who's forced to become a walmart employee) from Jabba the Slut. He decides to retire to a small moon called Vendor and start a teddy bear farm. The Emperor flies the reincarnation of the Death Star there and Dupe convinces his father that people who penis have lightning shooting out of their noseholes are not to be trusted. His father throws the Emperor down some puddle of very smelly water, and the guy never comes back. Then, Dupe's father suffers a seizure on the spot and dies. Dupe succeeds where his father failed and rules all the galaxy. Penis.

Follow-up movies

Fluke Crywhiner, Leia Organ, and Link encounter a temporal anomaly occupying several variable states of quantum flux simultaneously, and exponentially devouring space itself. After docking with it, they take measurements and samples and move on. Link assures that this is not the Force, but the Triforce, and Ganondorf has something to do with the problem.
Fluke Crywhiner and The Amazing Windex attempt to travel back in time to rescue Yo!Da! from being dropped as a baby, but instead wind up in germany during World War II. They are forced to live out the rest of their natural lives underground.
A team of stealth ninjas assasinate Saint Nicholos as part of a daring bid to re-start the galactic conflict. Dupe Skywalker is faced a difficult decision; to save the galaxy by donning the red suit, or to stick true to his Jewish roots together with Jewbacca. In the end, the heathenistic Ham Solo (played in this episode by fifteen stray cats taped together) saves the day.
The story of a young ewok named Wicket W. Bush (Dubs to his friends) and his life in wartorn Iran during the 1980's. He secretly meets with Saddam Hussein to plan the destruction of America and to bring the gospel of intelligent design to the infidels. Hilarity and hawt ewok sex ensue.
A group of Storm Troopers and Jewbacca have a full-scale orgy on a sexy, Hawaiian planetary star system called WeaGunnaFukuUp sector 8. 8 different bots perform multiple pleasures on them, and are shocked when Jewbacca's love juice drowns 2 helpless WeaGunnaFukuUpian's. Ends with a brief, but shocking nude pose of Dupe Skywalker and Santa. Bonus DVD includes never before seen orgies featuring Satan and Luckass himself.

The Lost Movie

Star Wars: Revenge Of Jewbacca was one of the movies which George Lucas did not allow to be publish due to it's unique outlook on kitten huffing, it involved Jewbacca and Fluke Crywhiner getting into a fight over the final chicken strip in a chicken strip basket from the Empire of Dairy Queen. After a brutal sex duel Jewbacca seems to have the upper testicle, but due to the interference from Hulk Hogan, Fluke Crywhiner blows Jewbacca into a gizallion million pieces, but Jewbacca is revived thanks to the kitten huffing ablilties of This Guy, Jewbacca soon inacts revenge against Hulk Hogan by hiring A Big Fat Gay Dude and A Small Lesbian Gal, the combine forces of these two are too much for Hulk Hogan, so instead he goes ahead and rapes himself with a rather pointy stick, up the arse. Jewbacca wastes no time in having explict sexual acts with Hulk Hogan's bloodied and battered corpse, including urine acts which were cut from the movie because it's a common fact that Jewbacca's cannot urinate. It is then that Big Boss decends from the heavens and challenges Jewbacca for The Undisputed Championship in Hell In A Cell, Jewbacca tries instead to urinate on him, despite the fact that he cannot urinate, but Big Boss urinates back and it's so powerful that Jewbacca and all the kittens of the world are turned into The Amazon River, CATS quickly appears and attacks Big Boss, but the movie is quickly cut off with an explict sex scene between A Big Gay Dude and Another Big Gay Dude.

Units

Star Wars has a lot of nice units flying round in many different shapes, sizes, speeds, and colors. Most of them can be defeated by a Orange Clean spray though. However, that action will result in some bad guys' attention, who will sue you and give you a heat stroke. You will then be dead thanks to Star Wars.

The Death Spa

The Death Spa is one of the most impressive units of the Star Wars universe and mostly called an ugly death. Like the name implies, it is a dead spa, the size of a small muffin. In its early days, the Death Spa's purpose was killing other muffins for pleasing its commander Grand Muffin Tarkin et. al. For killing other muffin, the Death Spa had a special weapon called the "Super Deodorant", which is utterly devastating to muffins, insofar, that it releases a gazillion of fart gases and vaporizes and makes the target muffin smell.

Of course, like any other super weapon the Death Spa has a weakness. This, however, will be revealed in the next episode.

Or not. The Death Spa's weakness is frosting! Put frosting on the muffin and it will be tasty, resulting in a good treat for the people that frosted it. Yum, frosting..

The Millennium Fuckton

Never heard of the Millennium Fuckton? The greatest robo-whore in the galaxy? She screwed a whole spaceballteam in just 12 seconds. She's fast enough for you, old man!

Star Creators

Star Creators are another very important unit of the Star Wars universe. They are an integral part of creating Death Stars, or more accuratly dead stars. Star Creators have so much firepower that they shoot more energy with a single Heavy Turbo Laser shot than their reactor can generate. Of course this violates the 1,434,234,542,058,209,453,829,450,283,450,284,750,284,509,287,454,651st law of Thurgo-Die Namics, for which fans have invented hypermatter to explain all the unknown things. Hypermatter is explained in more detail in the book titled The Big Book About Nothing.

Star Creators have the shape of a slice of cheese because of Bob Shorts's pregnancy cravings while filming the series. They also have two dorsal spikes which serve as FM radio antennaes for picking up Kiss 108. And also have a radioactive core that explodes on impact with high sugar energy drinks. Solar energy is the most highly effetive of all enery drinks. Yay, sunlight!

The Star Creators are fun to eat since they taste exactly like cheese; that is their 1 weakness! That and the energy drinks... ...of course.

Thai Fighters

The Thai Fighter is an enormously deadly spacecraft which has been the bane of many young rebel soldiers, not only those coming from No Orleans. It consists of a hull made up of very, very old thai food which has turned into an immensely hard crust. This crust will immediately kill any living organism which happens to touch it. The crew of the Thai Fighter is made up of 12 thai boxers. If the hazardous smell of the gritty thai food crust won't kill you by lethal nausea, the twelve thai boxers will jump out from the craft and basically kick the shit out of you. Anyway, you'll die.

X-wing

The X-wing is a common term for that part of a CIA-building which contains X-files. Beware! The X-wing may not seem deadly, but since most of the X-files actually are scripts for the TV-series, they will slowly, yet decisively, kill you if you read them. Either you will die from sheer stupidity (e.g. either you find them interesting or actually believe them) or you will die from a case of undescribable boredom (if you have an average or above average IQ).

Races

People

A person. A Monster is in the background, with a modified battlestick.

In the Star Wars universe, one who resembles a human is known as a Person (pl. People). They are the ugliest of creatures known to live, but have wit that would make you laugh hysterially.

Jedien

A person who is among the ruling elite has the opportunity to become a Jedi (pl. Jedien). The jedi weapon of choice is the Battlestick, and sometimes a spork.

Robots

A robot slave

Robots in the Star Wars universe are programmed to be a total pain in the ass and are given guns and tasks such as being killed by Jedien. All except the wristwatch which is utterly useless in all aspects when it comes to star wars. The double sided wristwatch is somewhat usefull, if you need to fend off a jedi master and his padawan, who is doomed to be killed by his own padawan.. Despite being seemingly infinite in number, Robots can never beat Jedi, because whenever they try, they just end up being killed. There really is no compromise. In fact, the only time a Robot nearly beat a Jedi, he ran out of Preperation H but at the same time the universe ended. True story. See the equation of certain doom at an inappropriate time.

Monsters

A common monster

Anything not a Person or a Robot is a Monster (pl. Monsters). Monsters can always interbreed, and have produced several popular breeds, such as Ewoks, Politcal partisans, Hutts, and Twi'leks. All robots must obey the 5 Laws of Monsterdom.Also see Howard Stern.

Ewoks & Woopies

Ewoks (short for Electrical woks) are actually small degenerated Woopies. Woopies (like Jewbacca) are actually large degenerated Ewoks. How this evolutionary theory hangs together, I leave totally to Darwin and his bedfellows.

Javas

Javas are very short, strange-speaking, disguised Russian Triads on Tatooine, who incidentally make great coffee. The only thing they do except making coffee is pillaging, pillaging, pillaging...you know, like folks in Iraq.

Stuff

Telekinesis

In the Star Wars universe, telekinesis is used to make solid objects such as midgets fly about with reckless abandon and self-combust within three feet of Jar Jar Binks. The more explosions there are, the better the scene. Lucas himself received a lifetime special achievement award from the Director's Guild for his use of no less than nine hundred thousand explosions. In Star Wars fandom, that particular scene is known as, "The scene which won the Oscar" or "Lots of stuff blowing up so we could win an oscar even though it cost us around the same amount of money as the national debt but thats ok because at least we got to blow stuff up."

Battlesticks

Warriors like Darth Ridiculous and Darth Hilarious use multicoloured sticks (see: Pez dispensers) to fight each other. While using their weapons, they make humming noises with their mouths, and usually the one who makes the most impressive noise wins the duel. The black guy dies in the third movie because his battlestick isn't blue like the others. Instead he has a purple one... obviously, this gives him a disadvantage: He was killed when he tried to usurp the throne of Darth Ridiculous because he forgot that purple < (red * blue^3).

Original manuscript

It has been a well hidden secret that the original script of Star Wars was explicitly sexual. George Lucas himself even admits to this saying "If I had total control over the script, Star Wars would have taken a more sexual, kinky form." But, thanks to resourceful uncyclopedians, the original manuscript can now finally be revealed.

Here are examples co-producers of Star Wars never intended to be known to the public:

Luke-Excuse me?

Solo: "What's the cargo?"
 Kenobi: "Just me, the boy and these two pleasure droids. And no questions asked."

Skywalker: But she (princess Leia) has been scheduled for penetration!
 Solo: Better her than me!

Solo: This is never gonna work... I've got a huge hard-on!
Skywalker: You should have jerked off before!
Solo: I DID jerk off before!

Leia: "I'd just as soon fuck a Wookiee!"
 Solo: "I can arrange that! You could use a good fuck!".

(An X-wing pilot having sex with his co-pilot):
"Almost there...almost there...it's away. Negative. It didn't go in. I just impacted on the surface."

Rebel: "Luke, at that speed will you be able to pull out in time?"
Luke: "Get clear, Wedge; you can't do any more good back there!"

Luke: I can't do it. It's too big.
 Yoda: Judge me by my size, do you? There is no try. Do, or do not.
 Luke: You ask the impossible.

Han: You've got something jammed in here real good.
 Chewie: Growl

"What an incredible smell you've discovered!..."

Leia: You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought!

"Lick it up, fuzzball!"

C-3PO: "Sir, it's quite possible this position is not entirely stable."
Han: "Not entirely stable? Well, I'm glad you're here to tell us these things. Chewie, take the professor in the back and plug him into the hyperdrive!"

C-3PO: "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
R2-D2: "[Series of beeps]"
C-3PO: "Of course I've looked better!"

Rebel: It's possible he came through the south entrance.

Han: I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?

"You want this, don't you?"

Jabba: Stop pulling on my chain... (he says this in another language - not subtitled)

Jabba: You there, with the face, you are my bitch!


"I raped them. I raped them all. Every single one of them. And not just the men, but the women, and the children too! They're like animals, and I raped them like animals!"

Obi-Wan: "It's over Anakin. I have the high ground!"
Anakin: "You underestimate my power!"

In the series, Chewie is definately the most sexually active. We counted over 20 sex scenes involving him in the origonl manuscript (not including gay, group or animal to animal scenes (its about 42 including those)). He was also prone to spontaneous orgasms, which were never actually edited out of the script. Everytime he makes that Chewie noise (you know, the muuuuuuuuuuwuuwuwuwaa one...) he is having one. And when he throws his head back and beats his chest, you know its a really big one.

Bloopers

In Star Wars, Episode IV, when the group of Storm Troopers is walking in the Death Star, and one of them says "Take over," (when the Stormtroopers find the droids in the control room) one of them hits his head on the doorframe. In the DVD, a clank sound is added for effect.

In Star Wars, Episode VI, The Dancer in Jaba's palace (not Leia) has a wardrobe malfunction. Her breast literally pops out! (seriously, watch for it.)

In Star Wars, Episode VI, When Leia is shot near the bunker, Han Solo grabs her breast. (again, seriously, watch for it)

In Star Wars, Episode VI, when Chewbacca is taken away in Jabba's palace Jabba's servant says to Leia "He's gay". The next shot features Boba Fett nodding in confirmation

In Revenge of the Sith Deleted Scenes, when Mace Windu tells Anakin that he won't become a Jedi Master, he pulls down his trousers and tells the Jedi Council:' Suck on this, fake ass gangsters.'

(note: These are actual facts, scenes in the movies themselves.)

Trivia

1. Yoda is in fact a human, however after 900 years of celibacy, became the way he is. He was supposed to be the factor that convinced Anakin to marry and get with Padme, as depicted in these deleted lines from the original Episode II script:

ANAKIN: I can't do this. It's not the Jedi way.

PADME: But look at Master Yoda.

ANAKIN (pauses to think): What about him?

PADME: I'm sure he's never made love to anyone.

ANAKIN (thinks for a moment): C'mere, bitch!

See also

External links


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