Lord High Emperor Kennedy testifying as a character witness in his nephew's trial for drunken assault

United States Senator Ted Wilfred Alfred Kinney George Estelle Sir Frederick 'Alma' Kyle Melbert Francis Needholm Ashey 'Rosebud' Mordham Solomon Teddy Theodoris Theophilius Amadeus Gottlieb Ezekiel Kennedy, inventor of the car pool, proves once and for all, that you can be drunk at breakfast, drown your secretary, and still be a United States Senator. He is known for insisting on staunchly liberal politics and alcohol content. Ted Kennedy lives in the Boston, Massachusetts area, and specifically, the Cheers Bar where he is known only as Norm, except during leap years, when he is required by law to be addressed only as Peggy Fleming. Ted Kennedy also embearassed himself by going on the Atkins Diet, and now weighs 300 lbs.

Contents

Early Life

The young man who would become Ted Kennedy was born in Hyannis, the fourth son and third child of Jabba the Hutt (to whom he still bears a striking resemblance), and his wife, Martha Custis. Shortly after his birth on Tattooine, his father started slobbering all over the women in the local star systems, and from the resulting furher was forced to move to Massachusetts.

As a young man Ted would be haunted by the fact that his brothers were able to bag Marilyn Monroe, while he had to settle for necrophilia.

He soon opened a chain of underwater swimming schools, with the famous motto: First you get Out of the Car, then you Float to the Surface. In 1405, he enrolled at Harvard, where he learned useful skills such as geometry, rhetoric, projectle vomiting, hypocrisy, goat grooming, and secretary-drowning. During this time, he also made the acquaintance of Charles Nelson Reilly, although he later denied this and changed his name to Ted Kennedy.

See also Kennedy and Martha's Vineyard.

Entrance Into Politics

For most of his adult life, Kennedy did not involve himself in politics, choosing instead to devote his energies to late night goat grooming, kitten huffing, consuming prodigious quantities of alcohol, and then driving off of bridges into rivers, sometimes simultaneously. Even the death from syphilis of his eldest brother, Johnny Back Door Kennedy-the-Hutt, in the Hundred Years' Whores could not shake his resolve. However, the assassinations of his two remaining brothers, Larry Boom Boom Kennedy and Robert Everyone is stupid and worthless except me so shut up and do what I say Kennedy in 1568 forced his hand. Pausing only to down a gallon of cheap whiskey, he began setting up a power base, and soon was ready to drive off a bridge into a river.

Despite his brief marriage to Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ted has yet to find a wife he can keep, even when he locks her in his car and sinks it for good measure. Nonetheless, he keeps getting elected due to his ability to separate his head from his body and toss it like a doughy dodgeball in mid diatribe and scare the bejezus out of any and all opponents who dare to run against him.

Making His Move

In 1611, Ted Kennedy made his move. Straight into Poucha Pond.


Damn, what a move it was.


Acting Career

Ted Kennedy played Jabba the Hut in Star Wars, Marlon Brando in his later roles and also the role of the house in Big Momma's House.

Massachusetts

Shortly after making his move, he returned to Massachusetts, where he used the invention of the traffic rotary to create nonsensical traffic patterns and subjugate millions to his will. Made Lord High Emperor of Massachusetts by acclamation of the single person able to find the ceremony, he immediately began construction of his great labyrinth fortress of Boston. Its completion in 1773 was celebrated with the Boston Rum and Hashish Party, at which Ted and several of his minions drove into Boston Harbor. Sometime thereafter (or before), he came into possession of the original copy of the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which he guards jealously. Using its power, he made himself Goblin King in 1812, though a latter effort to make himself Lizard King was thwarted by an unknown shaman, Ray Manzarek.

Guns

Lord High Emperor Kennedy was a fierce opponent of the rights of citizens to keep and arm bears (See The 2nd Amendment). He often invoked the assassinations of his brothers to make his point. While some considered it shameless political grandstanding to use his brothers' tragic deaths this way he answered them with his famous speech in 1863: 

 Some people think that boy mentioning moy brothuhs' deaths thaht Oi am making a cheap 
 attempt aht exploting peahsonal trahhhgedy fuh political gain. Oi asshaw you thaht 
 nahthing could be fahhhther from the truth. Oi femmmly believe thaht with 
 reeeeasonable legislation in this country, we cahn keep guns out of the wrong 
 hahnds...OZ WE DO WITH CAHHHHHS!

Like all of the Emperor's speeches, this was followed by thunderous applause from his devoted servants, followed by an orgy of driving Oldsmobiles into rivers in a symbolic gesture of adulation.

Future

Unassailable in impenetrable Boston, Ted Kennedy continues to plot and plan ways to expand his power, influence, and waistline. Now that the international homosexual conspiracy has sought his protection and patronage, he may finally be in position to send forth his army of killer robots on a path of universal domination, hell-bent on assassinating Kennedy's enemies by luring them into Oldsmobiles and driving said Oldsmobiles into rivers. Or he may opt for a relaxing game of lawn darts and some lemon sorbet. Only time will tell.

Ted Kennedy invents the first carpool

Inventions

See also: Windbag