Time is not real... true story.

“Counter-clockwise means nothing to a digital watch.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Time


“Time is an illusion. That makes lunchtime twice as long.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Time


"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so."

~ Ford Prefect on Time

"Time is money...and if yer wastin' me time, THEN YER WASTIN' ME MONEY!"

~ Mr. Krabs on time

"Time may change me, but I can kill all those who try to stand in my way."

~ David Bowie on time

"Ticking away. The moments that make up a dull day."

~ Pink Floyd on Time

"We must stop this terrible march of evil and declare war on time. The loss of time accident with the WMDS will not be (opposite of remembered)"

- Big Dubya of the white hizzie on time
Time is easy to waste. It also appears to hate Adolf Hitler and Saddam Hussein.

Contents

A Brief History of Time

There are three prevailing schools of thought on the History of Time.

Theory # 1 Time was invented by Thomas Edison in 1803 when he was sitting under a strawberry tree and and an apple fell on his head. He went into his Malibu mansion to take a bath. While he was in the bath he thought to himself, "It must of taken long for an apple to grow from a strawberry tree", so he invented a device to monitor how long it takes for an apple to grow from a strawberry tree, he called it a watch. Thomas Edison along with his team of scientologists divided time into the world standard that we use today.

seconds (old english)- a term used when a person goes back to the buffet line to get more food.

1 second - time it takes for an apple to fall 10 meters.

60 seconds - time it takes for 60 apples to fall 10 meters.

1 minute = 73 seconds, the difference in time between patrick kielty going on stage and being booed off.

1 hour - time it takes to gather up and cook 60 apples in hot Cheese dip.... yummmm

24 hours - they forgot why they made this one

1 day - a year divided by 365 or 1 year multiplied by 1/365

1 month - 28 or more consecutive days ranging from 28 to 37 (later the maximum amount of days in a month was shortened to 35).

year - Thomas Edison borrowed the term "year" from the Good Year Blimp when he noticed it could be spotted every 365 days on July 4th.

10 years - 1 year times 10

And so on.....

Theory # 2 Time was invented by Fidel Castro in 1802, who also invented Purple. It was the first attempt by someone to explain why everything isn't happening simultaneously. The concept of time has been accepted by most scientists even though there is no evidence it exists. Even though Fidel Castro laid the conceptual groundwork for time it was your mother who wrote the standard work on time: 'Time, who cares? A introduction to time and other strange weird thingies'. This book claimed that time was square and a little bit bouncy. Time is most known for it's lack of practical uses. In 1899 Satan started the 'Practical Time Competition', giving away $100 for the first person to find a use for time. No person has entered this competition which is viewed by a lot of people as evidence that time is just a theoretical construct with no real uses.

Theory # 3 Another theory, produced by Heidegger is that time is a relatively new invention, it was invented around 1650 by the dutch clockmaker Christian Huygens. Before Huygens everything was obviously frozen and nothing was able to move or change. Conservation was total. This means that besides the normal physical laws of converstion of energy and momentum, there also existed a law of conservation of place. After the invention of time, Christian Huygens made a lot of money selling clocks.

Theory # 4 Some geek scrolls, found on the ruins of a ancient geek bathroom, testimony that time was created by Euclid after he created space. Unfortunately in Euclidian space there is no movement, so there is no way his theory can be proven, however, this theory was said "perfect" by Oscar Wilde, then nowadays it is the most acceptable unacceptable theory ever made.

Theory # 5 Recent evidence shows that time was originally created when the mythical David the Yogo puked it up after seeing the color Onion (color). Before this, every year was -100, and that made kittens cry.

Theory # 6

King George VI invented time, but it is not precisely known when. It was used by many of his subjects to measure prowess in kitten huffing competitions.

Bad Things about Time

Time is a mass murderer. It has killed more people than any other entity, other than perhaps Bill Gates. A reward of $1,000,000 has been placed on the head of time.

Good Things about Time

Time is a mass murderer. It has killed more people than any other entity, other than perhaps Bill Gates.

How to Waste Time

Time, left, standing still, with his brother, right
See: Uncyclopedia

Words that Rhyme with Time

Rhyme, Thyme, Mime, Lime, Crime, Slime, Prime, Grime, Time, Pine, Fine, Salt and Shitty.

Words You Can Make From the Letters in "TIME"

It is said that water can be made with the letters in "time". You first soak the letters in a bucket of water and then squeeze the water out. Some scientists claim that this is the proof that time is the source of all water. The general public doesn't give a damn about this scientific oddity.

TIME is MONEY

It is said that time is money. But we all know that money is not time. Unless you buy a Rolex.

Time Stands Still at the Iron Hill

On July 19th, in the year 211 of the First Age, time stood still at the Iron Hill. This unusual occurance was related to the Lord of All Noldor, the Star in the Night and the Bearer of Hope, riding into his Glorious Battle alone. Later analysis by the noted Professor of Timeology Davy Crockett revealed that this instance of time standing still would cause intense WTF Radiation that, if unchecked, would destroy the entire universe. In an attempt to save the universe, and by extension, his own hide, the pussy coward Davy Crockett tried to mix a Temporal Martini in order to spill it on Iron Hill and fix the problem. It worked (duh! if it didn't work would you be here reading this!?!? Of course not, you dumbass. Learn to think!).

Misc

Time is the pseudonym of the Time Lord, who currently rules Britannia after the overthrow of Lord British by the Avatar.

The Intertemporal Association of Time Travellers is today's (tomorrow's?) most successful group of time travellers, having explored several days in Ancient Rome and most of last week.

Oscar Wilde is known to have said a lot of things about time, but unfortunately nobody had time to write them all down, so they are lost forever. This does not prevent us from making up quotes about what he might have said.

Kathy Sue Time was the first nurse assigned to Alcatraz prison in 1934. Linguists have traced the phrase "doing time" back to prison guards in the mid to late 1930s. By the 1940s, prisoners nationwide had adopted the term.

The Ham

Time is also measured by the doneness of The Great Universal Ham (also knows as the universe).

Quotes on Time

“You think I have time to give a bloody quote on time?!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Time

Other Theories about Time and its Relation with Movement

There have been Theories that time does not really exist. This is because in order to measure time, you need a clock. In order for that clock to work, it has to exercise some kind of movement, therefore time is dependent on Movement, and not the other way around. Therefore Time=Movement and Movement=Time. Quite simple actually, take following example for example just to put one example:

If there was no movement, then a clock could not work and therefore it could not measure time and therefore time would not exist anymore. This is the ultimate Proof that Time does indeed not exist.

Movement is the real 4th dimension. Time is just the Result if you put the 3 dimensions together with Movement.

So basically if you want to know what Time(Movement) it is, you would have to ask: excuse me, would you mind telling me what Movement it is? instead of excuse me, would you mind telling me what Time it is?

What could happen if movement was not invented by Castro

It happened some years ago, in the distant future. Fidel Castro will be inventing time while Edison was sleeping under a strawberry tree. Everyone will be eaten by Grue.


Notation

There are only two ways to note time:

A 24h-day begins at 00:00 and ends at 24:00 which is actually the same. A 12h-day begins at 01:00 am/pm as am/pm is changing then. Illiterate people only use the 24h-system, as they can't read the "am"/"pm".


See also