“Ok..so a man on board the Titanic walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic. "Would you like ice with it, sir?" asks the barman. The man answers "Yes, but not that much." What? Too soon ?”
~ Passengers prepare to board the Titanic as it prepares to leave port.Titanic (correctly spelled Tit-antic)is a retelling of that ancient Egyptian fable by Ernest Hemingway, "The Little Boat That Could". The original tale was about a group of dike prostitutes that were sent by ship across the Mediterranean to Peru where they were to form a coalition government that would expand to conquer South America before its eventual decline into decandence some forty years later. In the original, the boat didn't sink, but when Hollywood created their block-buster movie, they decided to make a few changes.
The first known Titanic film was filmed back in the early days of Hollywood cinema in 1997. The original take of the film had the two principal actors Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet arriving in Finland, but as a joke the director decided to film an alternative ending where the ship sunk. In post-production, the audiences actually found the alternative ending better (mostly because it was shorter), and so it was kept. Also, the name Titanic did not actually refer to the name of the ship, but was diCaprio's nickname for a certain part of Kate Winslet's anatomy (contemporary sources believe it was her mouth, but this has not been confirmed).
It is a little known fact that Guy Harris was surfing behind the mighty liner shortly before it parked up beside the iceberg.
"Did Bernard Hill cry?"
- New Radicals on Titanic
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In 1912, the far looking director of the Caucasian Star Line, Ernest Borgnine, decided to take advantage of the incipient publicty that would be attracted by the name Titanic (due to a popular sexually transmitted disease sweeping London at the time), by building a ship of that name. As was the fashion at the time, the boat was made of marshmallow with graham cracker reinforcements and holes in the side for the oars, chocolate and cannon mounts. Due to the extreme lightness of the marshmallow, the ship was pronounced "unsinkable" (which is a strange way to say "Titanic", but the English have odd accents).
Later that year, the Titanic made it's maiden voyage (the maidens were to be delivered to Afghanistan to be sold into slavery. It is thought that the fact that Afghanistan is land-locked may have contributed to the ship's demise). The voyage took it past the Bermuda Triangle (often thought to have caused the downfall of Vanilla Ice), which is known for its abundance of crayfish. These crayfish eat plankton, krill, the occasional local native, and manganese nodules which are found on the seabed. Manganese is a ferromagnetic substance, which is why most of the crayfish are magnetised (this is why you find them in large conga lines at the bottom of the ocean). Occasionally, these lines of crayfish double back on themselves, and create loops. Once these get up to speed, the rotating magnetic field can cause significant inductive heating and structural failure in nearby metal. Unfortunately, the Titanic was floating over one of these so called "lobster twirls", the stuctural supports gave way, and the marshmallow collapsed into the water. People say that the surrounding water was syrupy for days.
In the days following the Titanic disaster, numerous theories surrounding the event were proposed. Some said that Kate Winslet had put on a lot of weight. Others said that Leonardo DiCaprio was gay. Perhaps the most outlandish suggestion of them all was that the iceberg in the movie was nothing more than a metaphore for four growing social consciousness in the newer generation, and may have been actually been the cause of the sinking of the first Titanic. This is also claimed by some of the survivors of the wreck (although their opinion shouldn't count since they were too close to the event to see things objectively). It is well known however that high magnetic fields (as would have been present in "lobster twirls") cause unusual effects in the brain, and may have caused them to see hallucinations of an iceberg. Some people say that there were several icebergs in the area that could have caused it, but this "iceberg consipiracy theory" holds no water, which is ironic unlike the wreck of the Titanic, which is still soggily floating in bits and pieces on the oceans of the world. The Tit-anic is truly a global phenomenon. Lengend holds, that if you utter the word "Tit-anic" three times into an mirror, you'll look stupid.
The prospect of there ever being a 'Titanic II' - alternative titles included 'The Ship That Wouldn't Sink' and 'The Boobtaculous Adventures of Kate Winslet and her Gay, Monkey-Loving Matey Leo' - is scarce since both Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet were killed in a double-murder-suicide after Kate caught Leo making out with director James Cameron. Suffice to say, the movie industries has lost three truly great idiots.
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The Moral: AHAHAHAHAHA TOLD YA SO! YA NIEVE BASTARD, YA FUCKIN' "BOAT" SUNK DIDNT IT? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.........................YA FUCKWIT!
Yet another alternate view states that the Titanic was in fact attacked by pirates.