"He's the Jesus of Scientology, except retarded. Really, really retarded."

~ Oscar Wilde on Tom Cruise

"This guy gives me the heebie-jeebies. It's those eyes that really disturbes me..."

~ Satan on Tom Cruise

"His Eyes Looked Puppy-like, Meaning Everlasting love.."

~ Katie Holmes on Tom Cruise
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called-experts at Wikipedia have an article about: Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise, born Thomas Cruise Purplenurple IV, is an American actress, beard collector, Oompa Loompa, and annoying git. His first screen appearance was in 1983's Return of the Jedi as the beloved Ewok, Wicket. This role propelled him into a long and illustrious film career during which he amassed a fortune by playing vacuous and arrogant heterosexual pretty-boys with limited emotional range. He plays some of this role well in his offscreen life, having been an outspoken representative for everything from the mental health profession to felching, lawsuits to soul-stealing aliens (see scientology). Proving himself to be semi-competant at several activities, he also qualified for a spot on the Men's Couchjumping Team to represent America in the 2004 Olympic Games, but unfortunately had to decline due to an ongoing anal injury. However, he remains a keen exponent of this ancient sport, and (it is rumoured) finally achieved a lift-off of sorts, some months ago, following years of fruitless struggle.

Cruise, extending a warning finger toward Xenu, is in no danger of being glib.

Contents

Education

Educated by Xenu himself, Cruise enjoys high brain fluctuations then normal people. This causes him to say things without thinking, ADHD, and other cranial conditions.

Life in Munchkinland

Standing at just 4'7", Cruise is the size of a common table lamp, and is often seen wearing stilettos, dangling from a string in front of the camera, in order to correct the perspective when working with normal sized actors. Danny DeVito, the smallest fat man in film, is his alleged Robot father.

People Magazine has continually ranked him as one of the 100 sexiest stars in film history ever, behind Carrot Top and Yoda. A darling of American cinema, Tom Cruise is best loved by fans in films where he does not appear.

Oprah informs Cruise that they are out of cookies.
Tom Cruise has Katie Holmes' head attached for convenience during a media blitz. Mr. Cruise happens to be below monkeys on the evolutionary ladder. Ms Holmes used to be above them, until she allowed the munchkin get her up the proverbial duff.

Tom Cruise will do anything to indulge the audience, including, but not limited to, hopping onto and dancing on miscellaneous furniture in the studios of morning talk shows. Tom Cruise is well known for his irrational hatred of homosexuals as well as couches. In 1941, he attempted to pass the 42.42nd Amendment to ban homosexuals and couches in the USA, but was rejected both by the Serious wing of the Decepticon Party for being "too silly", and the Silly wing of the Silly Party for "not being silly enough". Angry, Cruise went on a rampage through downtown New York, breaking into people's homes and destroying their couches with his laser feet and crazy eyes.

He is known to relax by smashing couches to "little tiny bits". He is also famous for his inventions, among which the most known are the chicken feces sprinkler, banana shaper, fart filter and mirror for the blind.

When asked why so many people are cynical of Cruise's relationship with Katie Holmes, Cruise said "Anyone who's not happy for me, is against me. And, I'm not gay. Just sometimes I like co..".

Cruise gives Oprah a demonstration of what he looks like right before taking a poopy.

In 2005, Cruise revealed his multi-disciplinary expertise on the Today Show with Matt Lauer. Cruise chided Lauer for being ignorant of Tom's true splendor and confirmed that he had "studied the history of psychiatry", making Tom Cruise a historian. Cruise called Lauer "glib" and had him desperately hunting for a Merriam-Webster dictionary. Tom Cruise is a devoted and zealous follower of Scientology claiming it is a religion. Cruise affirmed, "It is a religion. Because it is dealing with the spirit". Cruise further added, "Alchoholism, which deals with the spirit, is also a religion. Nanu-nanu". He then made the Vulcan hand gesture and was whisked away in an alien spacecraft.

Tom Cruise has also revealed, during the course of his lecture to Lauer, that he dosen't believe in psychiatry. "Psychiatry is... is a pseudo science", Tom Cruise informed the audience. He also went on to make known to one and all that "there is no such thing as a chemical imbalance". He further divulged that he does not believe in dentistry, geography, gravity, Lithuania, oranges, diet sodas, or any other "science". Except for Scientology.

What he does believe in, however, are past lives. Tom Cruise has recently stated that he believes that he is the reincarnation of William Shakespeare, thus bringing the number of people worldwide who believe they are the reincarnation of William Shakespeare to an estimated 1,423,622 (this does not include Howard Dean, who said, and I quote, "YEEEAAARRRHHH!").

Prophet of Scientology (Not gay)

Tom Cruise is engaged to trainee historian Katie Holmes, and they will continue to date until June 2006. Holmes is a radiant, jaw-dropping beauty, with mesmerizing eyes and teeth with more unique directions than a compass. Katie states "He is my man, oh yes, he is my man." Why photos always show her leaning away from Cruise remains a mystery. And she also is not gay and, although widely reported to be, is neither a robot nor a zombie. She may be posessed, but the vatican is yet to confirm.

Tom Cruise also recently discovered the cure to AIDS, but he insisted on having it be the "best kept secret in the whole wide world". He was promptly attacked by Dr. Doom, who revealed that Tom Cruise created AIDS and must die in order to have AIDS cured. When he attmepted to kill Cruise, Doom discovered that he was a Highlander and then cut off his head, ending the plague of AIDS Tom Cruise had spread throughout the land via bad acting.

Trivia


Hot chicks he's slept with

Tom Cruise has a peen and he sticks it into the non-peen areas of women to make babies. He has complied a list of all the women he's slept with:

Links

The Offical T-Shirt